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A wave of tiredness crashed over me the instant I stepped into my apartment.

Cam was still asleep and though I initially headed for the couch to nap, I decided better and crawled into bed alongside him. For a moment, it felt a bit strange. Like I didn't really belong here in my own bed so long as we shared it, but he flicked his fluffy tail in his sleep and a smile crossed my face as it came in contact with me.

He was so soft, so warm, so unlike the crocodile that had crushed me in his arms last night.

I snuggled up against him, my hand over his side. My snout tucked against his neck. He exhaled steadily, his hand groped lazily back to hold mine and stroke my fingers as we dozed the morning away.

In this quiet moment, it still felt right. Despite everything that had happened this week, it was so wonderful to relax alongside him.

He rolled into my arms and moved a hand to my face.

I winced, still sore from the beating I'd taken last night.

"Ooh, you alright?" he asked, all sensitive and soft.

"Little bruised is all."

"Uh, like, in what way?"

"A good way." I rubbed my nose against his. A smile creased his lips. "Things got more than a little rough with a guy last night."

That smile died on his face.

My heart sunk. I'd forgotten his reaction to me going out last night already.

And though it soured the moment, he wriggled closer to hug me tighter.

"How rough?" There was hesitation in his voice, like he was forcing himself to ask.

"Smacked around a bit, don't worry about it." I nuzzled the top of his head. "Don't have to ask if it's like, upsetting or something." An awkward pause followed.

He sighed. "It is. We should talk about it."

Surprise twinkled through my mind.

Yes. Yes we absolutely should talk about it.

"Agreed."

"Yeah." He dipped his chin against my chest. "Think I'm like, kinda ready to actually."

Nerves seized my belly. "Ah. Good, that's good. Like, now?" I wasn't even sure I was prepared to, not when I was this tired.

"Um. Let's get up first." He drew in a long breath and sat up. "Don't wanna mess up, been thinkin' on what I should say for days now."

"Okay, alright. Good. Yeah." I sat up, heart racing.

He went out to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. I was slow to rise, nerves picked away at my thoughts. I'd been so certain, so ready to talk about all these things on my own terms and though I was glad he was finally pushing for it too, I felt a tad intimidated by it.

He placed a steaming mug of coffee on the counter before me. I opened my mouth to speak, to initiate the conversation but I found no words. He took a seat beside me, his breathing a little heavy. Stress brewed between us as we drained our mugs.

He put a hand on my knee and took in a deep breath.

"Got my thoughts ordered." He looked me in the eye, nervousness about him.

I dipped my chin. "Me too."

I had no clue what to expect, but I was ready to stamp out fires. I was ready to admit shortcomings. I was ready to point out his own. But most importantly, I was ready to take this any place it needed to go.

He lifted his hand. "Trist, I wanna start by sayin' that I'm kinda, bad at this thing. I know you know, but please gimme some time if I stuff up how I wanna say somethin'. Alright?"

"Of course." I watched him close, looking for some tell he might be ashamed. Something that might give me a clue where he was coming from. With that lead in, I suspected he was going straight for his discontentedness with me sleeping around.

"Ok. I..." He exhaled. "Gotta start big, and fuck. Scared but, I have always gotten the sense you think you know what's right for me."

That caught me off guard.

"'N credit to you, I think you're usually right." He rubbed at the back of his head and sighed. "But lately, I dunno. Man. Like, the sex thing. Before we had that... disagreement. You wanted me to fuck you. But you told me that like it was somethin' for me as well. Burn up all those feelings or whatever. I spent most of that night fighting down my anxieties about it, then it didn't even make me feel better really. I felt bad about gettin' so rough. Then we fought and ugh." He hung his head. "I've been so upset, like so upset. I thought I did something very wrong, 'n maybe I did, when I didn't wanna talk about... y'know. That."

I nodded slowly.

This was so far from what I expected to be hearing.

"What I've been sittin' on is this. Tried to find a way to say these things. That I do think you might misunderstand me. I like how you think about these things, cuz you never just blame one of us. I wanna think like that too, cuz I know I tend to be a lil quiet, or not say somethin' fully but I'm trying. So yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." He offered me a gentle smile.

My heart thumped awkwardly. I stared at the ground, a touch of shame in my chest. "You might be onto something. Like, I had a similar realization last night." I sighed. "And I'm really glad you brought it up, because I'm worried I don't know how to respect you, and that's something I need to work out. I thought I did. I thought I understood you too." I grimaced. "I don't really know how I got to this point, but, you probably don't need the kind of encouragement I give you."

"Yeah." He nodded. "It's, I dunno. Kinda got used to you just knowing better, but it feels so different now I think I'm on top of a lotta things." That statement was bittersweet. On one hand, he'd clearly grown. On the other, I'd missed it entirely while treating him like he hadn't. And that hurt. It was proof I didn't know him as well as I thought I did.

"Alright." I took a deep breath and swallowed. "This is good, actually. I think we can talk about like, needs and stuff. Work out where we differ. Be clear about the kinda things we want out of life, out of each other. And we can sort it all out so we're both happy. Alright?"

He nodded. "Sounds good." There was a gentleness to his eyes I hadn't seen for a long time, like there was comfort in this discussion for him. And within that, I found pride for him once again. This was the first time he'd ever put himself forward and made us have a conversation like this.

"Just be aware that means both sides right." My tongue went dry in my mouth. "And I have more things to say about my own needs."

"Sure." He nodded. "That makes sense."

"I just stress that because I don't know if you're going to like what I have to say." I clenched my jaw.

He raked his teeth across his lip. "Sure. Um, but don't assume, cuz you might be wrong. Did you wanna go first?"

"I can." I felt a little cold taking this moment from him, but I'd tried to start this conversation days ago. "I'm starting sweet and simple by saying that I do want a relationship with you." I smirked.

He chuckled and nodded. "Me too. I love you 'n I really want this to keep going."

"Yeah, that's how I feel too but I think I'm feeling more and more certain that I need something poly."

He scrunched up his face. All that positivity evaporated. "Right."

My heart sunk in my chest. "And that means I'd like to explore it, work out what my needs even are. And I know that'd go against the terms of our relationship, so we should talk about them."

He sighed.

"What are your thoughts on that?" I asked.

"Um." He rubbed at his face as he thought. "I... don't know. But I hate having to fight for your attention. I don't like that when things get bad between us you go run off with other guys." He sounded so flustered.

I frowned at that. "I have always, and I really mean always been willing to talk anything out between us before anything else." I kept my voice stern. "But for the longest time you brushed me off. Look. You're my first serious relationship. I did not know I'd run into these feelings down the line when we agreed on the terms of what we were doing. Like, I've always been promiscuous, always. And after this last week I don't think I could do monogamy because my only solace has been in other people."

He cut his eyes away, discomfort plain on his face. "But how do you think that makes me feel?" He stared at me.

"Not good, obviously." I sighed. "But how do you think everything else makes me feel? I just told you I'd like to talk things out first, but if you're not able to the hell am I meant to do? Just wait for you while I feel like garbage?"

"Is it so bad to feel like garbage for a bit if it avoids bigger problems?" His brows knit together.

"I can take it for a bit if needed but when my patience runs out, yeah. Feeling like garbage isn't how I wanna spend my life." I tried to keep any sense of frustration out of my voice. "It makes sense to work myself out instead of suffer while I wait for you."

"Alright. Fair enough. But why's that gotta be like, another partner? You have friends."

I shrugged. "I don't have an answer, it's just how I am. I just like getting close to people. Physically and emotionally. And if things start going, I want to start exploring it. And I can do all of that while still maintaining another relationship." I felt like I was still trying to convince him, but that in and of itself felt wrong. It shouldn't have to be something I convinced him of.

He shook his head. "I dun get how, especially when it fuckin' felt like you just dropped me outta nowhere to fuck around with Scott and Rob."

"That got messy." I nodded. "And I'm sorry you felt that way. I didn't realize at the time, to me it seemed fine. We agreed we could do things with them, so I did things with them."

He clicked his tongue. "Thank you for apologizin'. I understand now, so it's okay." He softened his eyes and sucked in a tight breath. "But I hate that it's opened this... this box of shit. I don't know what to do about it." He made an exasperated sound and went silent.

I bit my lip, afraid to say the words on my tongue lest it spark a fire between us. "My needs aren't a box of shit. And if that's how you feel, I don't even know that there's much of a solution there to talk about. We so clearly want different things."

"That's not true." He squinted at me, and that was the spark.

"Isn't it?" Emotions started to heat up within me. I didn't like that I felt them, but I couldn't stop them either. Not now. Not after this week. Not when he refused to see the issue.

He nodded.

"I want to sleep around. I want that freedom." I lashed the words at him like it'd make him admit otherwise.

With a modicum of hesitation he responded. "I want you to do that too. You like it, you've always been that way."

"You just told me you don't like me splitting my attention. That if I fuck someone on a bad day you'll take issue with it." I met his gaze, trying to pick at the emotions he'd filled those texts with yesterday. "And that's not even talking about my want for multiple partners." I was growing more and more bitter by the moment and I couldn't hold it off. This wasn't like me at all, but this now on the heels of this week. After these last few months, something had to change.

He backed down. "I just mean, like..." He sucked in a long breath. "Better rules on it, or something. I dunno." He was completely ignoring my last point. But I'd humor it, for now.

"That's good actually. Why don't we try set some down?" I softened my voice. That was something useful, something necessary. "What would you like to change?"

"We could put some limits down, like for hook ups only once a month or somethin'. I dunno on the time frame, but yeah. Somethin' like that." He nodded. "If you wanted more, we could talk about it. I'd probably let you if things were good."

"Alright, sure. That's a starting point. But does that include Rob and Scott? We agreed we could do anything with them." I stared into his eyes.

"Well, I was also thinking." He rubbed at his snout. "Nothin' with Rob or Scott without me being there."

I winced. "I don't feel great about that, having the freedom to do whatever with them has been the biggest relief of these last few months."

His composure slipped. "Oh yeah, bet it's been a huge relief fuckin' around with the idea of joining their relationship." He snorted, bitterness in his voice.

"It has, actually." I met his stare. "It's what's helped me realize I do lean poly. Like, that is proof of it actually. That I longed for other partners I could engage with however I wanted to. And if you don't want me to do that, well. I understand but..." I exhaled.

Like I'd stabbed him in the chest, he scrunched up his face.

I groaned internally.

"Cam, I'm going to be frank. Nothing has shaken my faith in you more than you taking issue with me exploring that part of my identity." I crossed my arms. "I understand it's a big deal. I understand that if I went that way, it'd go against the initial terms of our relationship. But you wouldn't even talk to me about it. Even now you're dancing around it."

"Because we agreed nothing serious with other guys."

"And we agreed we could do whatever with Rob and Scott too, but things change. Why's it okay for you to ask to change that and not okay for me to ask to change something else?" I took in a deep breath. "We should talk about it. Because we want different things. Just know I have never once disrespected anything we agreed to. And so you're aware I've been keeping Scott and Rob at an arm's length while we try sort these things out."

"Good." He snorted. "Here's how I see it. Relationships are about compromises and-"

I furrowed my brow. "And if I'm not willing to compromise on my own comfort?"

He growled under his breath and went silent.

"Hmm?" I tightened my focus on him. "I am absolutely serious. One of my needs is having the ability to have multiple partners."

He wilted.

We fell silent for a long moment.

There was nothing more I could say but I refused to let him not engage with that. It was a pressing issue, something that had to be sorted between us.

So I kept going.

"Is there any part of you at all that would be okay with me having multiple partners?"

He shook his head, the action so soft and gentle. So lacking in strength. "We agreed."

And seeing it broke my heart a dozen times over.

"Alright."

I took in a deep breath.

It was plain to me what should happen.

And no matter how terrible I felt about it, no matter how much I wished it didn't have to be this way, I couldn't let it lie.

"Then we shouldn't keep torturing each other any longer." I felt sick. "Look at what we do to each other."

His eyes went wide as he trembled. "Trist no."

"Then talk to me about it because I can't keep compromising on my own happiness." Frustrations arched my voice. I was pleading, begging for him to engage. "I tried. I worked so hard but this isn't something I think I can go without."

"Stop. Just stop it. I love you, alright. Just stop." His teeth chattered as he pleaded.

I stared at him through tears.

His expression shifted through hurt and heartbreak. "We can work it out."

But he made no move to address the problem.

I kept waiting for him to say something. Anything. He didn't need to totally change his mind, I just needed this to not be a dealbreaker.

"How? I want to. But if you're not okay with something I need, what's there to even work out?" Sadness dredged itself through me. "We need solutions, not platitudes."

He only hid his gaze from me.

But as we stood there, awkwardly making eye contact it became clearer and clearer it just wasn't going to happen.

And that just had to be fine, I guess.

Damn it.

He raised his head. "It's okay." His voice shook. "You can... do whatever. It's fine with me."

Discomfort roiled in my belly. "No, dude come on. You don't mean that. I know you don't. Don't give up what you want just for me." It stung to see it.

"Maybe I'd rather be a lil unhappy but make it work." His voice cracked.

"No." I glared at him. "Cam, no. I don't want this if we can't have a healthy relationship. Just look at the last few months, come on." It hurt to hear him reaching, scrambling for purchase on whatever this was.

"Stop. Just stop sayin' things like that." He sounded so hurt. His ears fell flat against his skull, there were tears in his eyes. "It's fine. I can deal. You can keep doin' whatever."

I hissed. "Maybe I've had the wrong idea of you for a while now. But dude. Anyone can see that isn't right. What you did earlier, starting this conversation. That was good. That was you seeking what you needed to be comfortable." I leant forward and held him in my arms. He shook like a scared lamb. "Don't give that up, not for me. Not for anyone. Alright?" I brushed back his ears.

He nodded glumly. "Don't do it."

"Cam..." He felt like dead weight in my arms. I released him.

He stared at me, all pitiful and weak.

It plucked at my softest impulses.

Didn't want to see him like that.

Wanted to fix it, to do anything but what I had to do.

The words were on my tongue.

I didn't want to say them.

Not a single piece of me wanted to.

But I had to.

I knew I had to.

I went numb as I fished for any sense of hope.

"Prove it," I said. "Prove you mean that, somehow please."

He sniffed. "You bein' happy makes me happy and if that's what makes you happy..." He trailed off.

I shook my head.

It was a stupid lie.

"Me making myself happy this last week has been nothing but pain for you."

The words sat heavy in the air. He stared at me, not a lick of strength left in him.

He only sighed as he nodded.

"So it's gotta end or we'll both be unhappy."

I could hardly believe that left my mouth.

He stuttered, his face fell as he gasped and shook out a weak sob.

"No." Pain shattered his composure.

"Cam..." I scrunched my eyes shut, he had to understand. I felt pressure to end this quick, to avoid prolonging this torture for either of us. Nausea strangled my gut. "It's over."

Fuck.

Oh fuck.

I'd actually done it.

"You said we could fix it." He sounded hollow, like I'd torn everything out of him and left him empty.

I sniffed back a sharp breath. My heart froze. I had given him hope, hadn't I? Days ago. He'd sat on it. Filled himself with it, and came to me all charged with it that this would go well.

But this wasn't right. I couldn't keep hacking away at what I wanted out of life. I wouldn't let him do the same.

Regret and anger burnt my throat. All acrid and frustrated. All I wanted now was for him to get through this alright.

I was shocked it'd come to this.

"The fuck is wrong with you?" He shuddered, distraught. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks. "I meant it. It woulda been fine."

All I could do was stare.

My tongue felt nailed to my jaw.

He buried his face in the nook of his elbow and raised his voice to bellow frustrations.

"I was even ready to talk about all that other stuff." He sobbed into his arm. "Fuck you." The raw anguish in his voice wracked guilt through me.

I hung my head.

I'd done that to him.

Only now I wished I hadn't.

The only time I had ever wanted him to run was now.

But he stood his ground, pain bright in his eyes. A snarl on his lips.

I wept for him.

Why had I done this? What kind of heartless bitch had I become that my own pleasure required something so painful? And my deepest urges demanded I grovel. That I apologize and beg for forgiveness. That this grievance could pass. But why?

I was so at odds with that desire, only reaching for something to numb his pain. It was terrifying how quickly I'd forgive my own wounds for someone else's.

I swallowed deep, tears spilled from my eyes as I took an unsteady breath.

I needed to get out of here before I made things any worse.

That urge became so pressing. Needed to leave.

I'd only make a bigger mess.

So I ran instead.

"I should go," I said, voice cracking. "I'm sorry."

He glared at me, his jaw tense.

I'll never know what hideous words he held under his tongue.

But he let me pass in silence as I slunk out of our apartment.

As the door shut behind me I clamped a hand over my mouth and sobbed to the empty corridor.

This wasn't over yet. Everything I owned was in the apartment behind me, there'd be a dozen domestic processes before Cam and I were properly split.

But that was just part of the bill of our mistakes for rushing into what we had.

I'd be vigilant in ensuring we footed that equally and kept civil throughout.

I took a deep breath, there was too much turmoil in this moment to focus. My thoughts were a storm of regret that only grew more tempestuous as reality sunk in.

At least I had somewhere to go.

I put on a strong face, I was numb to myself as I wandered towards town. Stuck in a daze. Shocked I'd even done what I'd done.

I never thought it'd be me who broke it off.

I'd always done so well at keeping myself happy. I thought we'd have something comfortable, something consistent that we both needed.

But I hadn't prepared for our relationship becoming the source of my unhappiness.

No matter what thought or emotion my brain threw at me, I held onto that.

Our relationship was the source of my unhappiness.

There were no two ways about it. That's how it was.

And I'd tried to mend it. I did. I know I did.

Ultimately, we just weren't right for each other.

But I couldn't stop this barrage of questions, these endless waves of regret.

Even a small rise of doubt that I'd truly done all I could.

But at its heart, there was an unbridgeable gap between Cam and I.

And I know that meant I'd made the right choice.

I just wished it didn't have to be this way.

Uneasiness coated my thoughts as I stumbled through Scott's work and into his office.

He lifted his head, surprised. The bear's eyes widened as he saw me distraught. Understanding crossed his face. He sucked in a long breath as I fell into his arms.

He cradled me like a child in his arms, one hand on the back of my head and the other around my torso.

I sobbed into his chest.

He held me tight, I could feel his heart racing.

Here in this space where a week ago I came to escape Cam, it was hard not to tear at myself for it. That I had escaped him truly, and I hadn't meant for it to be that way.

There was no judgment. Scott simply held me, stoic and silent. A source of strength when I had none for myself.

I sobbed myself empty.

Numb to everything but the guilt that I'd hurt Cam.

Scott spoke as I fell quiet. "You'll be alright." He kissed my ear. "What happened?"

"Think I broke his heart." My voice all croaky and faded, I flopped my head against his shoulder and sniffed.

He sighed. "Mmm, not fun." He thumped his hand against my back. "And how do you feel?"

I sucked in a tight breath. "Shitty."

"Is it over?"

I nodded.

He sighed again, his thick fingers rubbed against my back. I was so thankful for his warmth, for this contact. But that only sharpened my guilt to the point of nausea.

Was this fair? At all? That I could break Cam's heart and slink off to someone I had this kind of connection with?

"It's going to hurt for a while, believe me. I've been there too many times to count." He curled a finger through my mane, the gentle affection stressed my thoughts. "But it's never easy to do something like that, and I'm proud of you."

I leant away from him, dark thoughts swarmed like buzzards through my mind.

That I was a selfish shithead who'd sorted himself out. That I'd sheltered myself with Cam until I already had something else, something better.

Only sitting before me was the man that'd tried to encourage that to deepen. I scowled at him, grating frustrations rising within me.

"I'm actually pretty disappointed in you." I spat the words. "You made everything so much harder to make sense of, made this situation so much harder on Cam." I knew it was unfair, we were guilty in that together but there were words I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to say if not now.

He winced. "Mhm." He fell silent like he was waiting for more.

And though I glared I had nothing else to throw at him. I was exhausted, a mess of feelings I didn't know what to do with.

I had expected him to get defensive. That with all of my upset and anger, I'd have something to fight over and get it all out. But he cut his gaze away, ashamed and when it was clear I wasn't going to say more he spoke up again.

"I am a pushy little shit." He dry swallowed. "And I got ahead of myself when I told you what I did. I was excited and stupid and I didn't realize what that might be like for either of you." He raised his head to stare me in the eyes once more. "I know better now and from the bottom of my heart, I am so, so fucking sorry. I want to tell you everything will be okay, I want to mean those words so much my heart aches trying to hold them back 'cuz I'm not sure I believe it yet 'cuz I don't even know how much it's hurt you both." He paused to take a deep breath.

"Rob told me what you two spoke about yesterday and I just... couldn't. I've felt so shit since you started to brush me off and honestly I deserve it for being so dumb and inconsiderate. If you have anything more to say, say it please and just know I'm here for you no matter what."

I watched him, silent as I waited. He sounded so genuine, looked so troubled. And no matter how emotional I felt now, I wasn't going to let myself torture anyone else.

"I'm sorry too." I hung my head and sighed. "I'm just so tired. I don't think I can talk about this yet. Sorry. Sorry you feel shit, this isn't just your mess."

He nodded, pain sharp in his eyes.

I stepped forward and hugged him. He put his arms back around me.

"Did you wanna come back to ours and take it easy?" He sounded husky in my ear.

I nodded and sniffled. "Thank you."

He clapped me on the back. "I'm gunna make this up to you," he whispered. "I dunno when, I dunno how but I will."

I sighed. "I roped you into this." The more I cooled off, the more I felt I was to blame for everything. For Cam's hurt, for Scott's, for Rob's. Even my own.

"And I'm glad you did." He lifted me to my feet. "Cuz you needed help, and that's not really your fault." He put his hands on my shoulders and turned me towards the door of his office. "Now shut up, lemme take you home so you can rest. You're tired, you said you can't talk about this yet, so don't." He ruffled a hand through my mane. "Stop pushing yourself, idiot."

A weak smile crossed my face. "Yeah. Thanks."

Though guilt hardened like black glass around my thoughts, I relaxed a little.

Scott drove me up the mountain pass to Rob's, fresh air eased me further.

Once in Rob's lodge I collapsed on the bed in the spare room, the same place Cam had admitted his feelings for me.

I sobbed myself empty again, but I was so thankful it was over. That with some time would come distance, and I could find my sense of normalcy again.

Throughout it all, I wasn't happy with myself and that felt so essential for me to hold onto and examine. I used to pride myself on my emotional intelligence, that I could make sense of things I felt, that I could use that understanding to perhaps help others too.

But it was clear to me I had my limits, and pushed past them I wasn't able to hold together as well as I'd presumed.

I lay there alone as I reflected on everything with Cam. Not just our relationship, our friendship too. I kept digging up memories where I now felt I'd acted poorly, that I'd let my presumptions of him get in the way of what he needed.

And I never, ever wanted to be like that again lest I end up in another situation like this.

It was more than just a schism between Cam and I, were it so simple this would've been easier. Sad, sure, but easier. Over time, our relationship had bent itself around poor representations of each other. We hadn't guided it, hadn't nurtured it like we needed to.

A week ago, I might've presumed he held most of the blame for that.

But no longer.

I was just as much a part of the problem as he was.

The guilt of that encased my heart.

That first night, I didn't surface from the guest room. Both Rob and Scott let me be.

That second day, I drifted about their home nervous and silent. Both Rob and Scott let me be.

On the third day, they indicated they'd both be there for me, for anything if needed. I let them be.

The only weighty conversation we really had was around the logistics of me moving in.

The weeks started to roll by and I started to feel comfortable living with them. Their generosity was boundless and they never kicked up fuss about me hanging around. Never acted like me living with them required something else.

But the feelings between us lay buried.

My guilt remained.

I spent much of my time alone, not feeling like I wanted to be around others when I wasn't happy in my own head. But it wasn't quite depressive as it was explorative.

I was seeking something internally.

Better understanding. Better ways to think. Better ways to act.

Cam was my first serious relationship and through it, I'd learned so much. It became essential to me that I grew from it.

But it took a month before I'd even made a dent in that guilt and started to come out of my shell.

That entire time I'd been distant and while they gave me all the time and space I needed I knew there was something very unfinished between the three of us.

Day by day, that started to energize me more and more. I found myself eager to explore it. It'd been over a month since Cam, which wasn't a lot of time but it was enough for me to see a little clearer.

And then came the weekend.

It was late on the Friday, I was about to go to sleep but I got up to get myself some water.

Rob was already in bed, but Scott was watching television through hooded eyes. He looked so tired, so comfortable.

That longing within me flourished and I was too tired to fight it down.

I sat beside him.

Instinctively, he put his arm around my shoulders. I felt him tense a moment, like he'd just realized he shouldn't have done that. I exhaled, relaxed as I lay against his chest. He eased and held me warmly. It was the first real contact we'd had since I'd moved in. Relief painted warmth in my breast for he felt no different to how he always had. I rubbed my face against him and purred as he circled his hand around my back.

I stared lazily at the television, basking in the moment until his show was almost over. I glanced up, about to excuse myself and go get some rest.

He was looking at me with subdued desire.

It felt like the easiest thing in the world to lift my head and kiss him on the lips.

Passion caught like fire in my head. I crawled onto his chest and held his cheeks as I kissed him deeply. His thick arms tightened around me until we were breathless.

My heart thundered in my breast. Through our clothes his cock pressed against my back, and mine against his chest. These feelings I'd kept starved and chained behind that guilt for a month thrummed through my veins now they were released.

He didn't even ask, he just bundled me into his arms as he stood and carried me to his bedroom. I held onto him and kissed his face until he lay me down besides his husband.

Rob made a tired sound and rolled towards me. His hand landed on my belly and brushed through my fur. "G'night sweeth-" He froze up. His eyes flashed open. A smile sharpened on his lips and wiped the tiredness from him. His hand drifted south, below the waistband of my boxers. I gasped as he fondled my cock.

Scott forced his muzzle against mine and kissed me. With him in the way, I couldn't see Rob. Only feel his movements as he tugged my underwear down. As his chest brushed my thighs.

As the warmth of his mouth surrounded my dick.

I moaned into Scott, the older bear kissed me harder. His tongue pushed back into my mouth as he pinned me under his weight.

Pleasure gathered warmth in my chest and spread through my body.

This had been a long time coming, I denied myself this joy as long as I needed to be certain of my self-improvement. But now I was wanting. Craving them.

Rob forced himself down on me. I shuddered as his nose pressed into my crotch. He growled, tossing his head from side to side as he savored the taste and feel of me. It was almost overwhelming, I hadn't even jerked off in the time I'd been living here, so distant to any sense of arousal. It only made the pleasure of this moment sweeter.

I whimpered and humped my hips weak against Rob's muzzle.

Scott stood and brandished his thick cock in my face.

Staring at it flared up another layer to the desire within me.

I reached a hand up to cup his balls as I opened my mouth and tongued the underside of his cock. A runnel of sweet pre ran down his length. He dropped a hand to my head, making breathy sounds as he pet me for encouragement.

I lashed my tongue against him, teased him with my bristles and delighted in his moans. The taste of his pre coated my mouth as I started going down on him, slow and tender. Focused on every move I made, eager to make this as pleasurable for him as possible. Both of them had a tendency to get wild and rough, but tonight they'd both relaxed to an easier pace.

Rob held the backs of my thighs as he lapped at my cock. I writhed at the pleasure, my legs squeezed against his head.

Scott grunted and pushed forward, pressing me back against the headboard. His hand slapped against the wall as he braced himself. I raised my hands to his ass cheeks and squeezed them as I ground my face in his crotch. His stubby bear tail wiggled as he groaned.

I stretched my jaws and pushed forward a bit, gulping as his cock poked into my throat. He exhaled low, the sound almost guttural. His hands shifted to my ears as he held himself against my head. He started thrusting softly, and I grunted encouragement.

Rob slurped on my cock as he lifted off of me. I moaned at the motion and gasped as he placed his tongue at the tip of my cock and started jerking me with his hand.

A drop of pre leaked from me, he lapped it up eagerly. I kicked my legs as the pleasure started to coil within me.

I was gasping around Scott's cock as Rob jerked me faster, his tongue flicked across my head in ceaseless strokes that worked more and more pre out of me.

Scott huffed, tension built in him as he thrust harder into my muzzle.

Between whimpers, gulps and gasps I was losing focus. My eyes scrunched shut and every lap of Rob's tongue brought another sound out of me. I was heaving breaths, almost convulsing as I gyrated my hips against him until I couldn't take it anymore.

I spluttered.

My cock jerked as the pleasure burst within me. My cum shot over Rob's face in four lengthy strands. I collapsed back against the headboard, unable to escape Scott's cock in my mouth. My hands fell from his ass and I lay passive as he thrust into my throat.

Rob stood. I glanced up as he leant into his husband. A low growl emanated from Scott as he started licking my cum off of Rob's face. I braced as he started humping my muzzle harder and harder. He snorted as he grew more frenetic, his hands gripped the sides of my head.

Without warning he shoved back out of me and stumbled back a step. His cock throbbed visibly as he exhaled hard and shot his load over me. Rob reached down to squeeze even more out of him. Scott panted, another glob of his spunk landed on my chest.

He dropped to a knee, still heaving then flopped on his back beside me.

"Fuck." Scott's voice was ragged. He perked his head up, took one look at his cum soaking my torso and dove on me. I chuckled, still trying to catch my breath as his tongue and nose traversed my body, lapping up his own ejaculate.

Rob took his place on my other side, a bemused look on his face. As Scott finished licking me clean, I reached a hand for Rob's crotch, keen to get him off too.

He brushed me away. "No need." He yawned. "Tired." He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me to the pillows. "Always time for more in the morning."

Scott slipped an arm under my head and rolled against me. "Mmm."

I exhaled, relaxed.

They held me between them, all warm and tender. Scott kept his muzzle tucked into my mane as he planted tired smooches on my neck. Rob's hand rubbed gently at my chest. Neither of them stopped until they were snoring.

I became a purring mess. The affection was overwhelming, like this moment was just a natural continuation of the last time we fucked.

Relief cascaded through my body.

In the back of my head, I was worried I might've squandered what I had with them while I dealt with my guilt. But it was like we'd never skipped a beat.

Tiredness came for me fast and I slept soundly that night.

Perhaps for the first time since Cam.

I awoke the next morning with my head under the covers and a cock in my mouth. From the shape alone I could tell it was Rob. I suckled it lazily, barely able to open my eyes but still eager to please.

I yawned around him, my tongue curled slightly about the base of him. He grunted.

I lapped at him as I roused. He watched me with a warm grin on his face and a hand on the back of my head.

Scott gripped my tail and drew his hand up its length over and over. He stretched his body around mine, his dick pressed against my thighs.

But instead of fucking me, he flopped against Rob's belly and watched me work his husband's cock.

I lifted my head and stretched my back, yawning again. "Couldn't wait?" I asked.

Scott reached down to jerk his husband.

"This perv's idea," Rob replied.

I chuckled. "Nice."

Scott nuzzled his way down to Rob's cock and took my place.

Rob rest his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling, a content look on his face.

I went down between his thighs and sucked on his nuts.

Despite my involvement, a strange rise of envy rose within me that they had this sort of thing. This kind of contact I craved. It was more affectionate than it was sexual, the kind of way I could only have dreamt of starting my days. Sexual contact was a cornerstone of my love language. It was what I knew best, even after this last year.

But I was here now and appreciation for the moment squashed that envy.

I could have this now.

This and more.

I sucked harder at Rob's balls, rolling them across my tongue. I slipped a hand between his thighs and prodded at his hole. He gasped and whimpered. I pressed a finger in. He tensed around me and humped at Scott's face. I could feel his excitement grow, which only encouraged me to go at him with more vigor. I fingered him steadily, feeling him open up before I picked up the pace.

Scott got sloppy and bobbed his head like wild, hardly reacting to every buck Rob gave of his hips. Every moan and shudder.

It didn't take long for Rob to pop a load, which his husband gulped down happily.

Scott sat back with a content exhalation and smacked his lips. I crawled back up between them.

And though Scott and I were both hard, as I nestled back against the pillows it was evident none of us particularly cared to sort that out. It wasn't some impassioned sexual experience, we'd simply given affection and that soothed me. I could relax again, take it easy and chill beside the two bears that had taken me in.

I glanced over at Scott, he shot me an easy grin but something caught my eye.

Sitting on his bedside table was a polaroid picture.

I recognized it before I'd even focused on it.

It was the two of us, in that photo booth in the mall in town. Our cocks out, having just blown each other. Me upside down in his lap. We looked a little shell-shocked that we'd done that in public.

My eyes went wide. Coarse emotions fumbled about my chest until I couldn't hold them. I took a deep breath, trying to center myself.

There were almost tears in my eyes.

Out of the tumultuous hell that was my breakup with Cam, there was this memory so cherished that Scott had kept it on his bedside table.

In the month I'd taken to gather myself, it was hard to focus on the good of that time. I'd done so poor a job that the possibility of it had almost slipped entirely from my mind. I'd bathed in the guilt of my own complicity in all that turmoil and shed the idea that the months leading into my breakup had any good in them at all.

Especially that last week.

But here, plain as day was proof to the contrary.

I drew a husky breath.

"You alright?" Rob asked.

I nodded. "Think it's time for that conversation," I croaked.

Scott exhaled, trying to hide a smile on his face. "Shoot," he said. "Think you know how both of us feel about it."

I nodded again and tried to gather myself. "Gimme a moment."

A touch of hesitancy stalked my thoughts as I readied words. This was substantial, there were things I had to respect, things I needed to phrase right and try stamp out any uncertainty or make sure were made clear.

I took a deep breath and found my center.

"I think I should make it clear I'm not disappointed in either of you and haven't been for a while." Rob smiled, Scott nodded to himself. "Letting me crash here a little out of nowhere is more kindness than I feel I deserved after I dragged you both into that mess."

Rob waved the thought off. "We'd both rather have someone in that room than leave it empty."

"Sure, but it's no minor gesture. Like, I don't want to make it about money but you've saved me like-"

He shook his head. "Don't put it in numbers, it's not even on my mind."

I clicked my tongue and conceded it. "Sure. Anyways, Scott, you gave me such a strong apology on the day and you promised you'd make it up to me. And you have, a dozen times over already but there's one thing that really seals it for me." I reached over him and plucked the photo of us from the mall's photobooth, just after we'd blown each other in public. "You kept this." I stared him in the eye. "You put it on your damn bedside table." I snorted.

"And I look at it every morning." He smiled wide.

"Like, the fact that there's even a single moment out of that entire period of my life worth cherishing like this is..." Breath streamed through my lips. "I don't have words, man. I appreciate you. So much. So, so much. You made such a difference for me then and you didn't even have to." I cuddled up against his side and buried my face in his chest. Joy welled up within me and warmed me through. He rubbed a hand down my back.

"You deserved it." He moved his hand to my face and brushed a finger under my chin. "But after I said what I said, I was so sure I'd fucked it." He was a little shaky, the smile kept growing on his face. "And I still am sorry, it was so stupid."

"Yeah." Rob exhaled. "Just real dumb."

I sat back against the pillows. "Both of you seemed a bit desperate."

Rob shot his husband a glare. "This one in particular."

Scott hid his face behind a hand.

"I feel I should explain," Rob said. "We'd talked about you a lot and we were keen but then we uh, got a bit infatuated. Scott caught it first, then we fucked, and yeah. I caught it too. And I know that's not a defence for our actions, but common sense vanished after that." He dipped his chin, a touch of shame about him.

I laughed heartily. "Almost 50 and neither of you know how to control yourselves."

Scott snickered. "Aye. You try keeping it in your pants when you've only ever loved one guy your entire life, then there's someone else, and it's mutual between you and your husband." He planted a wet kiss on my cheek. "We spent one too many nights just lying here talking about how we should go about it, uh, and then I jumped the gun."

Rob snorted. "You know he thought he was helping? Dumbass sounded so confident, so smooth when he told me." He folded his arms. "I almost bit him."

A grimace soured Scott's face. "Yeah look, I'm stupid and that's news to nobody."

I chuckled. "Anyways." A grin crossed my face as I eyed both of them coyly.

"Just say it. I can't keep waiting." Scott squinted at me.

I put a hand on their arms, my heart beat faster in my chest. I knew exactly what I wanted to say.

"I'm not entirely sure what's right for me, but I've been thinking on it for a while and I do want to feel loved and respected. Appreciated in ways that matter to me. To be able to be part of something special I can give back to similarly without tying myself down." I glanced between them. "At least for a while, you're like twice my age. So I make no promises how long it might be the best decision for me to hang around, but if you're both still willing then yeah. For the meantime, this would be incredible."

Something shifted in the air.

Scott folded into me, his paws gripped my shoulders as he nuzzled my neck.

"Yesss." He lunged for my face and kissed my cheek. "Fuck yes." There was passion in his eyes and he smiled so wide his teeth were bared.

Rob's hand fell to my shoulder. I met his stare. "As long as you're happy, stay. Do whatever you gotta do to make yourself comfortable, we support you."

Scott laughed into my mane. "I wanna mess with your hook ups."

The joy within me bubbled over. I hugged him against me, giggling. Rob leant in to embrace both of us.

Already, it was soothing.

I could feel all the nuances in my relationships with each of them. Reasons why I might want one more than the other, or both, or neither. Things each of them had taught me, the ways each of them had helped me.

The ways in which I could help them.

But relationships had so much more meaning to me than just that, and I'd celebrate this knot of emotions we'd tied between ourselves.

Scott sighed, content as he lifted his head. "Think it speaks to your wisdom that you're viewing us the way you are. It's probably not the best idea for you to stick around with us forever, but I'll cherish you as long as we've got you."

Rob nodded an agreement.

"Thank you." I kissed him on the forehead. It was so easy to feel spoiled by them already and I'd work hard to make sure my appreciation for that was known. "And thank you for being so patient with me."

"It's nothing." Rob scoffed. "We agreed we'd only talk about this when it was right to."

"Helps when you're confident you know what's gunna happen eventually," Scott added.

I snorted and nuzzled his face. "You're a bastard."

"Yeah." He only hugged me tighter.

Every piece of this felt comfortable, felt right.

But it had with Cam at the start too.

I'd be vigilant this time and make sure I was aware of what was really going on. With these two, it felt easier to manage. Both of them could communicate well, and I had freedom to do whatever. They hadn't even tried to claim me for a set time, I could leave tomorrow if that was the right decision and they seemed like they'd understand.

I still had the picture of Scott and I in my hand. I glanced at it one last time as I put it back on his bedside table.

I knew in that moment that it was special, that I wouldn't forget the riskiest sex I'd ever had. But seeing that Scott valued that memory even more than I did was something else entirely. It was so convincing that I mattered to him. To both of them, really, if they had spent so much time discussing bringing me into their relationship.

It'd take time to tell where I really sat between them, but I was curious how things would grow.

I needed to know what else might change as I acquired new experiences.

Only now the idea of change wasn't scary.

I wasn't bound to being a certain way by anyone but myself.

After a year of stifling my own growth for someone else, I'd never do it again.

And I was game for anything, so long as it was right for me.

Epilogue

We sat on the banks of the river behind Fo's Waterhouse. Moonlight glistened on the water's surface, the cool spring breeze washed the trepidation out of the air.

After a night of catching up and light drinking, we were easy for the first time in months.

"Was I ever unfair to you?" I asked, a little hesitant.

Cam took in a long breath. "No." He sighed. "I don't think so." He pawed nervously at the grass beside us. "Things got... rough, but mmm." He sighed again.

Six months on from our breakup, this was the first time we'd done something social together since.

He'd organized it as an olive branch, something we could do to help rekindle our friendship.

I was scared to let him back in.

But it was his plan, his gesture.

And coming to Fo's was symbolic for both of us as we finally got back on track for things we'd once planned to do.

"It hurt," he said. "Knowing you were off with Scott and Rob." He rubbed at his snout. "But I couldn't give you what you needed and I made peace with the fact that you were happier. For a while, I guess."

He glanced over at me, his face pale in the moonlight.

"I'm going to miss you. A lot."

I nodded, my throat stung. "Yeah." I lifted a hand to his shoulder. "I'm glad we had this though." I offered him a smile. "I'm gunna miss you too."

"We'll keep in contact." He cut his gaze to the grass. "If things were different, do you think...?" He trailed off, voice husky.

I shrugged. "Always felt like I needed something more to keep me busy, still do."

Cam nodded. "I'm happy you're goin' looking for all that." He frowned. "And I'm sorry I couldn't-"

I waved the thought off. "Not sure if a single person could ever meet my needs. Hell, two of them still can't. I changed a lot while we were together and it only pushed me towards a better understanding of who I am."

He nodded again. "I know. 'N it's the same for me, but doesn't make it any easier."

"Life's wild." I rubbed his shoulder. "But had I known everything that'd happen before we got together, I still would've taken a chance on you."

He slouched a little. "Same." He stared off at the river. "But there's still... ugh. Trist, you were the only guy who'd ever shown interest in me back then. And I wanted... was hopeful that, it could..." He trailed off and went silent for a long moment. He wrestled with something in his head, indecision plain on his face until he stared back at me. "And I still feel that way, like, about you."

I inched closer and slung an arm around him, heart in my throat. "Part of me does too, and I'm not going to count anything out for the future." I rubbed his back. "But Cam, there's bound to be someone out there who's better suited for you. Someone you have more in common with, someone you won't have to clash over expectations and needs. And I think that's what you should be hopeful for."

He rest his head against my shoulder. "You're right," he croaked. "But doesn't make it any easier."

I sighed. "Yep." I felt awkward as I kissed his forehead. "You'll always have a place in my heart."

"Same to you."

"And that only means you've grown to fit it." I nestled my head against his, the contact dangerously familiar.

"Mmm." He sighed. "Kinda realized somethin' recently."

"Yeah?"

"Head's a lot clearer when I don't have to think about sex." He sighed. "Think I was pushing myself too much 'cuz I thought I was meant to like it more, and like. I do like it but I dunno. It messes with me still, don't really like how I start to think when it's something I'm doin' lots of."

I hugged him harder. "That's important and I'm so glad you're aware of that now."

"Yeah." He sighed. "Guess it's no surprise I'm a lot different to who I thought I was when I was with you."

"Guess so." I pulled back from the embrace.

"Um." His fluffy tail curled into his lap as he held it. "Wanted to tell you that 'cuz I started speaking to someone."

"Oh?" A smile grew on my face. Now that was a surprise, but it was so wonderful to hear he was coming out of his shell.

"Yeah. Dunno like, if there's much there. But it's... I dunno. Different, and um, more comfortable. Natural even, don't need to try so hard."

I chuckled, a touch of relief in my chest. "Sounds awesome to me, and you should try embrace it. Don't let your fears hold you back."

"Yeah." He eased up. "Um. Wanted to tell you tonight, see how it made me feel, 'n I'm glad we could talk about those things. I'm gunna like, do that."

"Good man." I stood and stretched, staring up night sky. "Why don't we call it here? End on a good note, I'm tired. Got a big day tomorrow."

He stood. "Yeah."

I wrapped him in another embrace. "No matter what happens, you'll always be one of my most important friends."

He shuddered in my arms as he hugged me back.

We held each other for a long moment.

There were tears in his eyes as he pulled back.

"You too."

And with that, we went our separate ways.

Relief flooded my system as I made my way back to Rob's.

I wasn't sure if Cam and I would ever settle after the breakup but tonight was convincing. Even now, amid all the excitement within me for what was coming I still had energy to be happy for him. But that's all it had to be, I didn't need to walk him through the rest of his life. Perhaps I never did, but from the friendship we had before our relationship it was the outlook I'd formed around him.

This was a comfortable distance I needed from a guy like him so I didn't wind up wounding myself on my own sympathies. Enough space where I could focus on myself too.

But damn.

Tomorrow was something I did not entirely feel prepared for, but I had to throw myself into it.

I'd made a lot of decisions in my life which to anyone else would've looked insane.

And maybe the wildest thing I'd ever done so far was choosing to partake in the marriage of two bears twice my age.

But not even that held a candle to what I'd planned.

I had everything here. A safe, cheap living space. Regular work. Two bears to fuck whenever I wanted. Two bears that had opened their hearts to me.

But after living that life for half of a year, it was eating at me. It was too good in too many ways, but it wasn't me. Wasn't a life I felt comfortable growing old in.

I needed time after Cam to lick my wounds and build myself up again.

Then I needed more time to recognize why I couldn't live like this.

But one day's idle thinking started a snowball of thoughts that devoured me.

I wanted out in a big way.

I had money saved and I was ready to blow it all backpacking.

Having spent my entire life in bumfuck nowhere there were too many places I wanted to see. Too many people I wanted to meet.

But this was huge, so beyond the scope of anything I'd considered. I was full of nerves yet excited all the same. If it didn't go well, I'd always have a home here.

But I'd try my hardest.

I was doing this for me and nobody else.

And that was a way I'd never lived my life before.

I tried for a while to spice things up, to see if I could work things out here.

Spent a few more nights with Eric before I decided he wasn't quite it. I'd even taken Scott to get smacked around by the croc just to see if it added any clarity, but it just wasn't meant to be.

I slept around some, but I always found my self yearning for more. I'd had so much sex in my life, but not a whole lot else for a long time.

And leaving felt like the only way to fix that.

I learned a lot being with Scott and Rob. Managing two relationships was tricky, but made easier by their marriage. Even still, over time Rob and I drifted apart a little. We just didn't click as well as I did with Scott. We put in the effort and that was also a lot of necessary experience but the longer things went on, the more I became Scott's boyfriend. I was still close to Rob, there just wasn't nearly as much we excited each other over and our relationship lessened.

We were never upset about it, all of it was well discussed between the three of us without a lick of frustration.

But I think that was part of why I felt the urge to move on, to get out from between them lest there ever was an issue we couldn't solve cleanly.

At least it was proof to me that I was capable of handling more and that I could make these kind of decisions.

I crept into bed alongside both of them and steeled myself against the sadness that this could be our last night together possibly forever.

We'd been saying goodbye in our own ways from the moment I told them what I was planning and at this point, anything more would feel somewhat insincere.

Scott bundled me against his chest.

Rob cuddled up behind.

I teetered on the edge of tears, second guessing whether or not I was really making the right choice.

I hardly slept, so lost in thought.

We rose at the crack of dawn, I was numb as I gathered my things and loaded them in Rob's car. Scott was going to drive me but Rob had stuff to do and wasn't coming.

Before we left, he wrapped me in a bear hug.

"You've been nothing but wonderful and I still feel I owe you for everything you've done for me." Rob squeezed me tight. "Might still have been a lonely drunk if not for you and there's not a day in my life where I don't feel thankful for that."

My heart throbbed, I nuzzled his neck. "I feel the same way after all you've done to let me into your life."

He sighed. "You'll always have a place with us, alright? If you ever feel homesick don't even hesitate."

"Thank you." I nodded firmly and squeezed him back with the same strength he held me. "I'll miss you, miss being here."

He let me go. I stepped back. "We'll miss having you. Goodbye Tristan."

And that was all.

Scott and I got in the car and left.

Nostalgia rolled over me as we drove down the mountain pass and through our town. Almost all of my life had been spent in a twenty mile radius of this place and while I was glad that was changing, I wasn't sure what would happen.

It was a two hour trip to the airport in a larger town up north.

The entire way Scott and I silently appreciated the time we got to share. I stared out the window, heart in my throat and occasionally glanced back at Scott. Every time I did, he'd cut his eyes to me and smile.

Every time he did, I nearly shook myself into tears.

I pondered on what more I could say to him, to help ease what was about to happen. We still held such strong feelings for each other, but soon we would be separated by distance. In a way it felt cruel, but I knew I was alone in thinking that.

When I first told him I was thinking of leaving, he sat me down and poured over travel guides with me. Helped me pick routes and destinations that would be the most fun. His excitement was a big reason I even had an itinerary now, without him I wasn't sure I could've prepared.

Wasn't sure I'd even leave.

But he pushed me because he knew it was best for me.

And the entire time I could tell he was grieving the loss I was putting into motion.

But he never complained.

Never begged me stay.

Only helped me organize while we both coasted through this underlying sadness that there had to be a split at all.

I think we both knew something like this would have to happen eventually. He was too old to be my life partner, I just figured I'd always be nearby. Maybe we still would be, eventually.

When we arrived he helped me carry my stuff in.

There were things I was certain I wanted to say but I couldn't find my voice until we were inside. The polished tiles and white lighting of the airport felt too clean.

Around us dozens of people bustled about for their flights as a woman's voice spoke through the intercom.

It was easy to feel small here. For all the complexities of my life I was just another traveler in the system, unaware if anyone else was feeling the things I felt.

I sighed and stared at Scott.

"Thanks." There was a huskiness to my voice. "For everything, really. Like, dunno what I should be doing but I know it's this and I know it hurts but your help is why we're here."

He drew in a long breath. "Learned a long time ago that trying to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be there only makes both sides worse. It hurts but the best thing I could do was help you make yourself happy." He frowned. "There's this tiny part of me that wants to drop it all and come with you." He rubbed at his throat. My heart panged. "Fuck. I'm gunna miss you Trist." He started tearing up as he wrapped his arms around me, my eyes stung as my own tears gathered.

I buried my head in his chest. "I'll be back some day." I sighed. "Going to miss you too."

"Mmm." He rubbed his fingers through my mane. "You sure you'll be alright?"

"Yeah." I leant away from him, hands on his arms as I smiled to try brighten the moment. I didn't want to reflect on this memory as a sad one. But it was hard. "Think about how happy I'll be cruising my way into a new stranger's bed every night."

Scott nodded. "They won't know what they had their cock in until you're gone." He exhaled heavily. "What are the odds you find someone though?"

"Slim, but not zero. Won't be looking for that sort of thing." I shrugged. "But you'll be the first to hear if that happens. And I'd drag them all the way back here for you to meet."

After a long pause, he nodded again. "I hope it does happen Trist. I hope you meet a guy who takes your breath away. I hope he's so wonderful and wild you dash your plans and take a chance on him. I hope he understands you. Helps center you and lets you have everything you need. I hope he becomes your home, your comfort." He rubbed at the water in his eyes. "Because there's nothing more beautiful than feeling that and nothing more Rob and I could ever want for you."

"Thanks." Tears scattered my vision. He wasn't making this any easier, but I was so thankful for him.

He fiddled with his wedding band, his eyes red-rimmed. "Promise me you'll stay open to the possibility that it could happen."

"I will." I leant back in for another hug. "I promise you, if I ever meet someone like that I'll give them a chance. And the entire way I'll be keeping you updated."

He thumped me on the back. "Good man."

I stepped back, heart in my throat. I could tell he was proud of me for making this decision, even now as we both burned in the melancholy. "I should-"

He lunged forward and kissed me on the lips. We stared into each other's eyes, his were brimming with joy and heartache. Every part of me wanted to soothe his hurt in that moment, stay by his side and assure him all we'd shared wasn't for nothing. But I knew what called to me. Knew what was right for me.

I broke the kiss, tears streaming down my face.

I reached for my suitcase.

"Thank you Scott. I hope we see each other again."

He shuddered. "We will. We fucking will." His face cracked. "Take care. I love you Tristan."

I nodded, fingers going numb. My heart ached so firmly in my breast. "I love you too."

And there came the most painful moment.

We stared at each other, silent. No more words left to say.

It was all on me now.

I forced it through.

I raised a hand.

"I'll see you then."

"Goodbye Trist." He waved me off as I strode away.

But even now, I could feel the catharsis down to my bones. This town was a noose for someone like me. I needed new places and new people to see. Ripping the bandaid was never pleasant, but there was comfort in Scott's farewell.

We would see each other again.

I took one last glance and gave a final wave before I entered the bowels of the airport.

He waved back, eager though his face was crumpled.

Every memory I had was behind me now.

All this experience and I was still looking for my place in the world.

For the first time in my life, there were possibilities in front of me. I had choice, I could find my own direction to walk towards any goal I chose.

And I wasn't going to waste it thinking on what could have been.