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I was not an angry person.

There was nothing I hated more than getting caught up in anger. It was blinding and hurtful. Awful to have so much negativity ricocheting around my head.

And yet, for days now it was all I felt.

Cam and I weren't talking.

We went about our silent lives. He'd go to work. I'd bum around the apartment, keep it clean. Do the shopping, dumb domestic tasks that needed doing.

I still made food for the both of us.

And he'd come home, take his dinner to our room while I sat in our lounge tied up in my frustrations. I wouldn't see him again until morning, when he rushed out the door to go to work.

In the heat of my anger, I forged a steely resolution. I wouldn't break this silence. I'd done too much already.

And it tore me up that was so at odds with who I was.

I thrived off of communication.

But I wouldn't break it.

Wouldn't dare think of it.

It was a hard line I had to stick to, couldn't trust myself any other way.

So I left the ball in Cam's court, where it sat. Ignored.

And I tried.

Fuck me, I tried to keep my thoughts away from him.

But like balm for that anger I soured around the sensation of knowing he must be feeling like shit.

And there came the guilt.

Because this was emotional torture for the both of us.

But I wouldn't break my resolve.

Four days passed in a seamless funk.

Scott reached out to me twice but I palmed him off.

'Not feeling it'

I felt guilty about that too.

But late afternoon on the fifth day, there was a knock at my door.

And craving something new, I rushed to answer.

Rob stood in the hallway, a concerned look on his face.

"Hey," he said.

I gave him a meek nod.

"You okay?"

I cast my gaze to the floorboards. "Nope."

The bear reached out to put a hand on my shoulder. "Figured I'd come check in on you, see how it's all going."

I sighed and let him in. "Been talking to Cam?"

Rob huffed. "Tried to. He's been a bit unreceptive."

A bitter laugh escaped me. "Yep."

A slight frown wrinkled his face. "Even to you too, huh?"

"The more I look back on it the more I wonder what the fuck I'm doing." I scrunched up my face. "Few nights ago, in response to saying that we can get through this, he hit me with a what's the point?"

Rob glared at me. "Are you serious?"

"Uhuh." I nodded. "And stupid me took it like one of his moods. Whoops." I shrugged. "Not meaning to sound like an asshole but I've been seething. It gets worse."

Rob wrapped me in an embrace, and for one tender moment I felt my frustrations recede. "I'm so sorry." He kissed my cheek.

"I'm tight about a lot of things right now." I snorted. "Not the biggest fan of being caught up in this mood, but eh. Such is."

"I understand." Rob stepped back from the hug. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Dude I got no clue. Like, yeah. I do, but I'm not doing anything more for him. You know what I feel more pissed about?" I cocked my head. "That I've been brushing off Scott too."

He nodded. "Yeah, he's mentioned. Figured he should give you some space." He cut his eyes away as he spoke, and that was telling. He knew Scott had told me that they've considered opening their relationship up to me. That Scott wanted that.

"Oh good, you're aware." I quirked an eyebrow.

Rob winced. "Mhm." He sighed. "Now's really not the time for that conversation."

"For sure."

After a pause, he spoke up. "It is true though. We have talked about it, pretty seriously even." He shifted awkwardly about his feet. "You helped bring us back together, you were there when it started, when we got engaged, got married. Feels like you've kinda..." He let his breath stream through his lips. "Sorry, really should shut up shouldn't I?" He softened his voice, made himself sound a little silly. But there was longing there, tucked away beneath it all.

It really shouldn't be that much of a mindfuck for me to consider, but I was still conflicted. Cam was so not okay with it he wouldn't even talk to me about it. I had no idea if it was even something I wanted. "I brought it up with Cam actually."

"Oh."

"Told him I wasn't sure how I felt about it, that maybe I could be more poly than I realize and that it sounds pretty good." I watched him closely. His expression lightened. "He flipped. He's not about it, didn't even want to have that conversation."

Rob sighed. "Right." He scratched at the back of his neck. "Yeah. Scott telling you now wasn't something I expected, and I got a bit grumpy with him when he mentioned it. Do you have more thoughts on it?"

Like he'd struck a match in my head I flared up.

Now wasn't the time for that conversation? Really?

"You two are TELLING ME there's a better situation for me if I just split it off with Cam." I snorted, fire in my throat. "What am I meant to say?"

Rob raised his hands defensively. "Whatever's on your mind."

"In that case, I'm frustrated with both of you." I glared at him. "You were right, now isn't the time for this conversation."

He stared back at me, maybe a little hurt. But he swallowed it and bowed his head. "I understand."

"Then why are you so eager for my thoughts?" I did not feel good about chasing him down like this.

"I'm sorry." He sighed. "You're right to be upset with both of us."

"Be honest with me. Knowing that Cam isn't okay with that, but I might be. Do you want me to break up with him?" I stared into his eyes, hardly believing I'd even asked the question. It was so deeply unfair.

Incredulity shaped his expression. "I won't answer that. I'm sorry Tristan," he cut his voice low and uncomfortable. "I didn't want this to affect your decision making at all. Anything like this should happen cleanly, with rules and stuff to work out all the messy details. I don't feel good about it interfering with your relationship with Cam."

I eased up a little.

"It's nice to hear that, actually." I took a deep breath.

"I beat the shit out of Scott when he told me." He rubbed at his nose. "But he's been over the moon with you lately, and he agrees he shouldn't have said it now."

"Mistakes get made." I shrugged. "At least we can talk about them."

He tilted his head. "Of course."

"And having a bit of contrast isn't unhelpful." I'd cooled off enough to speak clearly. "Being able to address something directly is starting to feel a little new to me." I smirked.

Rob knit his brow together. "That doesn't sound good."

"Not at all."

Silence brewed between us, I wasn't sure what to add. But he sighed and spoke up. "Not to go on a tangent, but there's something I did pick up on when I was talking to him."

"Oh?" I tilted my head. "And please, by all means tangent away from the conversation we're not meant to be having right now." I gave a weak chuckle, even being heard out a little was so soothing.

"Good point actually." He rubbed his chin. "We'll pick that up sometime though."

"Agreed, we should."

"What I noticed was he speaks a lot about what you've helped him with, how much time and effort you've put into consoling him and guiding him through difficult things." Rob paused. "He's thankful, of course. But I asked him what he'd done in return and he didn't really have an answer."

I shrugged. "It's how we've always been, I guess. That sort of thing used to matter to me a lot. Probably still does, but eh. Can't say I'm thrilled that's our relationship at the moment."

"Sure, but you've been looking after yourself along the way right?"

I winced. "Maybe? Kind of?"

"And tell me if I'm way off, but, the thing I've noticed is it feels like you might've outgrown Cam." He did not sound happy to be saying it. "And that's okay. I mean sure, it fucking sucks. But it's okay."

I froze, the penny dropped.

Outgrown? He couldn't be more wrong.

Never before in my life had my issues been so clearly focused by a word.

For the entire time Cam and I had been dating, I hadn't grown.

I'd been stagnating as I encouraged him to keep growing. Like I was waiting for him to catch up.

Because that was how our friendship was before this, only I wasn't bound to him then. It didn't matter to me as much, I still had time and space to myself to grow.

But these last eleven months, I'd gone nowhere. Done nothing with myself but coddle Cam.

I probed my thoughts, expecting that anger, that frustration.

But there was only regret.

I'd done this.

I'd put myself in this position.

Too keen to help my friend and blinded by some misguided ideal that we were right for each other. I'd completely lost track of me in all of that.

There was wisdom in this realization. Scott had made me contend with selfishness, prompted me to take what I needed: new experiences. Something I'd been so drained of stuck by Cam's side.

I sighed. "You're off but damn." It was no wonder I kept probing my thoughts on Scott and Rob's relationship, that was something entirely different than what I've tried before. And that newness would led to growth. "I think I get it."

"Hmm?"

"Done nothing with myself." I sighed again, heavier this time. "Not that I've outgrown him, more than I haven't grown at all and that blows to realize."

"Ah." Rob frowned. "Are you going to do something about that?"

I nodded. "Guess so. There's stuff I want to try, need some new experiences that Cam's not interested in. Like, I wanna travel a bit, but it'd take so much effort just to get away for a weekend with him. And if I went without him, eh. He'd get anxious, and I wouldn't feel good about it. And then that's more energy I'm spending for something that really doesn't need to be that difficult."

"Right." He shifted a little. "Um, think I was a bit like that years ago. Scott's answer was to put us on break and go do his own thing, and that felt awful for me at the time but I look back on that fondly. Because he came back to me as a more interesting person and with some distance from him, I grew up a bit too."

I wrinkled my face. "I've considered it. But I just..." I exhaled sullenly. "Can't actually imagine wanting to come back to him if we put things on pause."

Sadness crossed his face. "I see."

"It's uncomfy. I like, am committed. I think. I dunno how to feel about him at the moment, but I know how I'd feel if things change. And it wouldn't be good."

"For what it's worth, he's committed too. And I think that means you two can work it out."

"Sure." I met his stare. "But what's the cost of doing that?"

"Too hard to say."

"I can tell you one thing right off the bat." Even harboring these thoughts made the coals of my frustration crackle back to life. "Couldn't explore anything more with you and Scott."

He dipped his chin, his eyes cut to the floor. "Yeah." He rubbed at the back of his head awkwardly. "I- I have thoughts on that, but I don't think I should say them."

"Go for it."

He shook his head. "Told you I don't want this to get in the way of your decision making." The longing in him was obvious.

"Little late for that, just so you're aware."

He sighed. "Sorry."

"Sure."

Silence fell upon us.

"Really didn't want to complicate things," he mumbled after a weighty moment.

My thoughts seized up around anger as he softened. Too much like Cam. But he wasn't the same, so I took a chance. "It's alright." I raised a hand to his arm. "It's a complicated situation and you've helped more than you've hurt. Trust."

He brightened at that. "I'm happy you think so, but even still I-"

"It's alright, really. We'll talk about it when the time's right and until then I have nothing but good faith in you and Scott. Like, I'm frustrated with both of you. But that hasn't boiled over into anything more. We've started talking about it and agreed we should park it for now, that's all it has to be. And if I'm a little frustrated with you for a bit longer, it's really no big deal." It was soothing to express these things. To have them be heard and acknowledged.

He gave me a slow nod. "Mhm. You're right and I'm thankful you're being so understanding about this."

I shrugged. "It's how I try to be."

He clicked his tongue. "It's not lost on me that I came to check on you and wound up having my own worries dealt with instead."

I snickered. "Funny that."

"You're such a little bitch." He rolled his eyes, playfulness in his voice. "But listen. You need to take charge of yourself, alright. Make decisions not about Cam. He'll survive. I survived when Scott did the same and we were better for it. Cam shouldn't be getting in the way of how you want to live your own life. You're his partner, not his caretaker, and he should respect your own needs."

I nodded. "I'm getting better at that."

"Alright. Good man." He glanced at his phone. "I gotta go, date night with Scott, you could come if-" He froze up and chuckled. "Honest slip up, not trying anything. Promise."

I laughed and damn did it feel good to. "Didn't even catch it until you mentioned." I smiled. "It's tempting, but I'll pass." I stepped forward to embrace him. "Really appreciate you coming to check in on me. Didn't expect it, but I'm so glad you did. Feeling a lot better."

He thumped my back. "Any time you need some help Tristan, I'm here for you. Same as you were for me." He leant back, his hands rose to my shoulders. "I want you to know I'm looking forward to the day we can continue that conversation. But it's only going to happen when it's right for it to happen, okay?"

I nodded. "I'll let you know when I'm ready to have it."

"Good man." He pet my cheek. "Take care, alright?"

"Will do, see ya man. Enjoy your date night."

He left me to my thoughts.

I sucked in a long breath.

I needed that, a circuit breaker to this cycle of anger and guilt. I wasn't washed of these thoughts, they still gripped me but they'd been knocked from my focus and I could think a little clearer. There was so much more out there than the mess between me and Cam.

I considered reaching out to another friend, something social would give me more space but as I flicked through my contacts there wasn't anyone I really wanted to spend that time with.

But an idea struck me.

Hesitantly, I typed out a message to Cam.

Going out tonight, probably won't be back until tomorrow.

I still didn't want to break silence on heavier topics, but this was simple communication that'd avoid unnecessary pain. Or so I thought. My phone buzzed as he responded.

Ok. You can tell Rob and Scott I don't wanna talk to them

I squinted at it. The hell kind of bad faith response was that?

Not going to be with them :/

I sent back.

Oh right, forgot you liked spending time with randoms more than me

I snorted, eyes wide.

All that anger lurched for my fingers.

He was worse than a fucking child.

But I caught it.

I wasn't even going to examine that. He was in some sort of mood, and that was his problem.

But fuck that.

Just, fuck that outright. I wasn't going to get baited into a fury by whatever bullshit he was peddling.

I hissed and stuffed my phone in my pocket, peeved and confused. Everything had grown unpleasant so fast and I couldn't even begin to untangle that.

All I wanted for Cam was a peaceful resolution. I no longer cared what shape that took. I could stay with him, I could walk. No direction pulled me but quiet. I didn't want this to end up a mess but I couldn't see how it could be avoided.

I frowned as I ran through those thoughts, at their core was a central failing I didn't feel great about.

It wasn't that I didn't know how to feel about him anymore, it was that I no longer cared about my relationship with him. And to me, that meant it should end.

But to end it would hurt him, which was the last thing I wanted to do.

But at this point, it felt like sustaining it was just hurting him too.

No matter how bitter or how shitty he got, I did not want him to be feeling like that.

I ground my palm into my forehead. I'd love to bounce these things off of Scott, but I wasn't convinced I trusted his word anymore. He knew what he wanted for himself and that compromised the integrity of his outlook on my situation.

There really was nobody else I could talk to about this either.

My parents were so distant, even a touch unaccepting of me. I had a brother but he'd made it clear he wanted nothing to do with any of us after he moved away. Other friends I had were generally closer to Cam and not people I trusted to handle this with the delicacy it needed.

I'd always wanted a bigger social circle or maybe just more places to go.

More people to meet.

Wanted more freedom.

It was no wonder I had a thing for strangers.

There wasn't much risk, anything I told them would have no relevance to their lives.

I rubbed at my snout. I'd been a long time since I'd really gone looking for a hook up. It was something I'd lost the habit of while dating Cam. Something I missed. That stag at Fo's was unexpected but I craved another like him now.

I loved working a stranger's buttons.

Loved watching them cave to their desires.

Nothing made me feel more special than hearing them moan as I gave them what they wanted.

Very few guys actually sought good sex, they just wanted to get their rocks off. But I could give them something a little better.

That was the one hobby I had that really made me feel alive.

And reconnecting with my passion for it now of all times was what I needed.

I threw myself in the shower, got dressed up and doused myself in the sluttiest perfume I had. The scent raw and heavy, almost musky but with a touch of synthetic sweetness for some allure. It was a comfort. I was always a little particular with how I presented myself to strangers as a way to signal how I wanted them to treat me. Coming across primarily masculine with a touch of feminine qualities was my way of suggesting how submissive I could be. Maybe encourage them to get rough.

I was rushing as I finished getting ready, trying to get out the door before Cam got home but I didn't quite make it.

The door shut behind him, my heart beat a little faster. He stood in the hall with a sad look on his face.

"Trist." He stared at me with tired eyes. "I need to apologize for those texts."

I sighed and gave him a soft nod. He had more to apologize for too, but at least this was a start.

"I'm so upset about all'a this. And I'm sorry, not keepin' it together." He rubbed at his nose. "Hope you have a good night." He cut his gaze to the ground and made for our bedroom.

"Thanks," I spoke low. "Um, if you wanted to talk about it I don't have to go out."

He froze midstep and stared at me for a long moment. "I... don't think I'm ready to. Sorry. Soon though. I promise you, soon. 'N I mean that. Alright?" There was some resolve in him, and that was uplifting but I couldn't help feeling it wasn't going to be as understanding as I hoped it would be.

And I wanted to shake those feelings. I wanted to have faith in him, but after he shut down that conversation about Rob and Scott I just couldn't. I wasn't used to thinking about anyone in this way, but I'd been so close to him for so long. I was so intimately familiar with the things that made him tick. I wouldn't count him out, but my expectations were low and that just did not bode well with me.

"I'm looking forward to it." I kept my voice neutral.

He hung his head. "I really really don't mean to test your patience, and I know I've been a bit unfair. Just, need some time." He sighed. "Um, is it okay if I give you a hug? I've missed you these last few days."

I tilted my head, a weak smile on my face. "Sweetheart you've always been able to give me a hug."

His ears perked up as he embraced me. I wrapped my arms firm around him and though I appreciated the contact, I was surprised to find myself indifferent to it. It didn't feel wrong, it didn't feel right. I just hardly cared.

He coughed and pulled back. "That perfume's strong."

I nodded. "Always been a manwhore," I said.

He stifled a wince. "Right. Well, have fun." The lack of approval in his voice was plain as day. He lay down on our bed, not looking at me.

I raised an eyebrow at that.

Before we started our relationship, he was always curious about the things I got up to. But once we were together, that started to change until he eventually adopted a bit of a don't ask don't tell policy towards it.

But this was new.

A bit uncomfortable even.

Me being promiscuous was something that was far older than our relationship, it was something I'd done to express myself for a long, long time now.

A sparkle of nerves lit in my chest.

I wasn't going to lean towards any conclusions until we spoke about it, but I didn't feel good about it at all. It felt like he was dismissing a piece of me.

Like he did when we spoke about Rob and Scott.

I left home feeling disgruntled.

I really didn't want to be thinking about him tonight.

But I needed time to sit with that discomfort, to examine it deeper.

I got food in town and sat alone as I picked away at it.

If he didn't respect that part of me anymore, I wasn't sure what I was meant to do. It was something I valued more than even him. Hookups, that fresh experience of new guys. Treating them to something good. All of that made me feel like my life had some meaning. It wasn't a particularly great outlook to have, but it's how I was and it was never something I felt the need to challenge. It was how I'd grown into a more positive person, someone who wanted to help others.

And it was easy to feel a little bitter about him disregarding that.

But I tried to deconstruct it a little more. See it from his side.

And there I found the crux of the issue.

I couldn't.

Things he put so much importance on were things I struggled to understand. He likely wanted me all to himself, and that wasn't something I thought was a bad thing for someone to want out of a relationship, but not with me.

The idea of monogamy was actually quite stifling to me.

No single person could ever meet all of my needs, which did stray from more typical things most people had friends to fulfill. I could have fuckbuddies, but I didn't really want to just have sex. If it was going to be regular, I did want something a little deeper. Like I had with Scott and Rob.

But so long as there was that fundamental divide between my outlook and Cam's, I wasn't sure I even knew how to respect him.

I didn't feel great about that.

In fact, that was an underlying assumption of basically everything I'd ever done with Cam.

That we both wanted a similar thing, because that's how he'd presented to me for the longest time. Only if that wasn't true anymore then it was no wonder he resisted as much as he did.

That went deeper than just relationship things.

If he was that different in outlook to me, but all of the support I'd been giving him was under the assumption we were similar then I would've been pushing him in the wrong direction.

And that thought latched onto me something fierce.

It would explain a lot, like his approach to sex. He hadn't really engaged in it much until last year. Then for a while it was something new for him.

And that was the time I felt our relationship was strongest.

As he explored that and found his own outlook on it.

And no doubt he had when things started getting worse.

It just wasn't the outlook I wanted him to have.

I sighed.

He'd tried to keep it up for my sake, he'd admitted as much a few nights ago.

And I, so caught up in my own misery completely overlooked it and pushed right back to the presumption of how I wanted our relationship to be.

Which no longer seemed to be what he wanted.

...was I the asshole for presuming then?

It was a pretty awful thing to get wrong.

I drew in a long breath.

He'd hardly spoken up about it in the past, and I'd missed any signals he might've sent.

But maybe this was the discussion we should be having.

I still didn't want to jump to any conclusion, but if any of that was true it cast this situation in a very different light to how I'd been seeing it.

At its heart, however, there was still an underlying issue in his lack of communication. If he felt like I wasn't respecting him, or had the wrong idea of our relationship that was something he should've told me instead of me having to piece it together with guesses like this.

I did feel a little better though, because if that was the issue then we could discuss it clearer.

Part of me wanted to go home and try talk it out right now, but he'd told me he needed more time and I'd respect that.

Instead, I made my way to our town's lone nightclub: Lavender.

Being a small rural town we didn't have much of a clubbing scene and Lavender left much to be desired. The venue was underground and poorly ventilated, with pounding music playing from tinny speakers. The grimy scent of old sweat overlaid by a spritz of cheap lavender scent wrinkled my nose.

A tacky light system flashed hues of violet light across the ceiling and dancefloor, which wasn't too active at this time of night. There was a handful of others here, more would filter in over the next few hours but I didn't intend to be here by the time this place was getting busy.

It was a little amusing to me that I recognized some of the people here.

And I know for a fact one of them recognized me as we made eye contact. A big crocodile peeled off from his group of friends and made a beeline for me as I came down the stairs.

I'd slept with him well over a year ago.

I couldn't remember his name, but I did remember him being a little gentle. A little sweet.

Definitely not the sort of thing I was after tonight.

"Tristan, Tristan, Tristan." The croc shook his head as he closed in on me. I gave an awkward chuckle. Why'd he remember my name? "Been a bit." He spoke loud over the frenetic electronica buzzing from the speakers.

"Hey." I raised an eyebrow at him. I had a bit of frustration still kicking around my head, and maybe this was a little cruel but anything to save me the effort of convincing this guy I wasn't going to be as easy of a fuck as last time. "Do I know you?" I asked.

He chuckled. "We went for a drive up the mountain pass once." His eyes trailed down my body. "I fucked you at the overlook." I didn't expect him to be so forward, but it was clear what he wanted.

"Ah. Done that a few times actually, sorry. Don't really remember."

"Fair, it was a while ago." He stepped towards me. "Maybe we could do it again?"

"Not really interested, sorry." I moved to brush past, he stepped back. A bit of tension about him. I'd bruised his ego, but he wasn't going to arc up like some others might here.

He left me to myself as I made my way for the bar.

Most of the regulars of this place were a little foul. Violent scuffles and seedy drugs weren't too uncommon. There was a time where I was game for all of that but it didn't take long for me to wisen up to how stupid it was.

To avoid that sort of thing my general rule was to look for someone who also wasn't enjoying themselves and get out as soon as possible.

But for now there wasn't anyone who caught my eye.

I ordered a beer, watched the dancefloor and started to unwind. My head pounded with the volume of the music and destroyed the capacity for any significant thought.

I resonated with this energy, this kind of dumb fun. The risk-taking that went with a night out.

I craved it and more, but something better than this.

I'd even considered traveling just to go to a proper club and get wild.

But in its own way, it was nice to be back here again. This place was where I cut my teeth. The instant I turned 18 I was on that dancefloor and prowled for new bedmates on the regular.

It took a while, but another group showed up and among them was a tall wolf that caught my attention. He was well built with rugged brown fur. Two golden rings pierced through his left ear and a streak of vibrant red dye through the longer fluff atop his head. He wore a bothered look about him that made it clear this wasn't his favorite place to be.

I watched as his group mingled with the crocodile's group as I ordered another beer and built up the nerve to get involved.

But I didn't have to.

The wolf splintered off to head for the bar. We made eye contact as he approached. He ordered his drink then leant against the bar beside me. "You come here often?" he asked.

"Used to." I met his gaze with a slight smile. His nose twitched as he caught my perfume. "You?"

"Nah, sorta." He nodded at the group he was with on the dancefloor. "Couple of friends drag me down here once in a while. Not usually my kinda thing, but it has its moments." The bartender placed his drink beside him.

"Yep, I feel that." I took a sip from my pint.

"You here with anyone tonight?" He leant in a little as he asked it.

"Nah." I gave him a warm smile.

"Whatcha come here for then?"

"A bit of fun."

It was bemusing to watch him test the waters, even more fun to see the interest rise on his face.

"Ahah, I see. What's your name?" he asked, a breath of confidence about him.

"Tristan, and yours?"

"Chris."

We traded more pleasantries, got to know each other a little deeper. He was a painter by trade, not the artsy kind though he did wish he was a little more creative with it. He told me about some of the projects he wanted to work on some day, vivid landscapes and other interesting kinds of scenery he'd had floating around his head.

He seemed fun, if a little aloof. I'd definitely had worse conversation with someone I was planning on sleeping with.

He commented on my perfume and dug a little deeper into me as well, but he had to ask the one damn question I was hoping he'd steer clear of.

"You single?"

I grit my teeth. "It's complicated." There was freedom in that answer, neither a yes or a no. If I knew Chris from anywhere else, I'd have made it clear I was in an open relationship. But tonight, for this stranger, things were complicated and I did not feel tied down by anything.

"Tends to be." He dropped his hand to my knee. "You sound like you need to get your mind off of things."

"Eyup."

"Well. I'm kinda stuck here for a bit." He took a quick sip from his drink. "But why don't I introduce you to some of my friends? Would hate to leave you sitting here all alone."

A smile crossed my face. "Sure, sounds fun."

He led me across the floor to his friends, where we danced and mucked around with drinks in hand. The kind of senseless fun I craved. It was hard not to feel myself wanting for Chris in amongst it all. Every move I made to get a little closer to him, he reciprocated in kind until we had hands on each other in the middle of the dancefloor.

That crocodile kept giving me bemused glances throughout the night and I couldn't work out why until some of the others decided to call it.

I was on the outside of the group with Chris, he had his arm slung around my hip like I was his prize for the evening. The both of us were just a little past tipsy.

"Wanna head back to mine?" he asked.

I nodded. "Hell yeah."

"Alright, my roommate can give us a lift." He turned to the group. "Eric, you heading too?"

The instant that name left his mouth I made the connection.

An awkward grin filled my face as the crocodile turned around.

"Yeah, might as well." He addressed Chris but his eyes dug into me. "Bringing that slut with you?"

I leveled a look of mocking incredulity at him.

"Not cool man." Chris tutted, his arm tightened around me.

"Nah it's cool." Embarrassment warmed my cheeks. "Deserved that one."

Eric chuckled and dropped it until the three of us were in his car. Chris and I sat in the back, I lay against him. I couldn't help fantasizing about other situations I could've had a moment like this with a more romantic tone. I was just longing for something more than Cam, and through the acute delirium of alcohol, Chris became my lens to focus those thoughts.

Eric straightened his rear view mirror. His beady eyes leered back at us. "You know that's right where I fucked you, Tristan."

The crude statement broke my daydreaming. I laughed.

"Woah." Chris looked a little surprised.

"For context, yeah." I nuzzled my face against the wolf's shoulder. "It was ages ago, I kinda forgot. Palmed Eric off at the door because all I could remember was how gentle and boring he was." I didn't feel much need to control my tongue.

Eric only sighed. "Chris, you still down to share?"

"Uh, I guess." He sounded a little hesitant. "If he is."

"Sure." I kicked the back of Eric's seat. "Go harder this time."

He glanced at us, a dangerous glint in his eye. "Oh trust me. I will." He put his car in gear and tore off.

They lived in a small flat on the outskirts of town and neither of them wasted any time the moment I was through their door.

Chris descended on me and shoved me against a wall in their living room. His fingers fell down my front as he undid the buttons on my shirt. I leant forward and unzipped his fly. His cock strained against his boxers. Overcome with a rush of arousal I threw myself to the ground and tugged his pants down.

The wolf's thick cock sprung out. I stared up at him as I lapped up the underside of it. He exhaled and slowly closed his eyes.

I drew my tongue across his tip. He moaned softly. I opened my mouth, about to suckle and ease him into it but Eric kicked off his pants and stepped into my field of view. The croc's cock was even bigger.

"Lick me." He leered over me, a sense of frustration in his voice. He swatted his dick against the side of my face until I grabbed it. A mess of eagerness drove me to meet his demand. His pre moistened the fur of my cheek and as I switched my attention, Chris jerked himself and inched a little closer.

I curled my tongue around the fat head of Eric's cock and rubbed it slowly against him. He huffed and threw an arm around Chris's shoulders.

"Get in there, make this whore work for us." The croc's voice was stained with hunger.

Chris thrust his cock against my face. I pulled off of Eric to go down a little on him, but Eric's meaty hand slammed against my head and he shoved me down on the wolf's dick.

I gagged as I bottomed out and tried to jerk back but Eric held me in place. Chris groaned, his back arched as he grew used to the warm sensation of my body.

I scrunched up my face, trying to control my breath as I shifted about to find a more comfortable way to hold his cock in my throat.

Eric spat on my face and swatted his fat dick to smear it over me. "If you wanted me to go harder last time," he said, his hand drifted down to my neck. "Should've fucking said so." He half shoved, half threw me by my neck backwards. I gasped as Chris's cock ripped from my throat. I landed on my ass, heaving breaths. That hurt.

Chris stared at me, a little worried. Were my life any more steady, I might've drawn a line in the sand there. It was a bit much.

But I wanted to push myself, wanted something different.

Tears stung my eyes, I tried to stay composed as I crawled forward straight for Eric's cock.

"Look at that. Treat him like the filthy slut he is." He eyed Chris as I went down on him. The croc's hand brushed through my mane as he pushed me down on his massive cock. I drew in a long breath, taking him inch by inch. I was thankful he was leaving me time to adjust.

Chris kept staring, hesitant until Eric slapped him hard on the ass. "Go dude, fuck him up. It's what he wants."

I gave the briefest dip of my chin in acknowledgment. The wolf jolted into action and shed the rest of his clothes before walking around me and yanking my pants down. I swished my tail in front of his face and pressed my ass back.

"Daaamn," he muttered under his breath. His fingers brushed through the fur of my cheeks, titillation sparkled bright within me as he flicked a claw over my hole.

I took Eric's cock deeper, bracing as he slid into my throat. He moaned, his hand in my mane tightened as he started pushing me firmer against him. Chris pressed a finger against me.

I quivered with excitement between them.

My nose brushed the smooth white scales of Eric's belly. He chuckled, his hand fell from my mane.

"Nasty bitch." He slapped the top of my snout hard. I tried to hiss as I pulled back, gulping as his cock came free. Teeth bared and panting I stared at him through narrowed eyes. He only snorted and smacked me again. "Freak." He spat the word like he meant it to be insulting. I hesitated only a moment. He was building me a role to fill and I was game.

I lunged back for his cock.

He laughed. "The fuck is wrong with you?" he asked, his hand back on my head as he forced me down to the hilt.

I gagged but held, bracing against the pain of it.

Chris paused to stare.

Eric shuddered with pleasure as I kept myself down on him until my lungs were screaming. I rubbed my face in his crotch until the pain was too much and I lifted my head. Gasping as I heaved in a massive breath. Eric's thick cock glistened with my spit.

He stared down at me, a toothy grin on his face. "Poor thing." He raised his head to glare at Chris. "This freak needs a cock in his ass, not another bitch. Hurry up."

"Man, I dunno." Chris stood. "You sure?"

"Get some lube or I'll fuck the both of you." Eric's voice dipped into anger.

I pleaded with my eyes at the wolf and nodded, unable to vocalize a response. Chris wandered off into another room, I glanced back at Eric just as he put one arm around me and grabbed me by the scruff of my neck with his other hand. He picked me up, sat on the couch and dropped me at his feet.

He shoved my face between his legs and forced my snout against his heavy nuts. His cock rest against my muzzle. He was ripe with some distantly masculine scent, too reptilian, a little unfamiliar to what I was used to. Strong legs tightened against my sides to hold me in place.

"You're actually such a fiesty bitch." He glared at me and smiled wide. "Tried to fucking get rid of me, I'll show you better." His hand fell against my head. "Suck my balls."

I took his sack in my mouth and lapped at it. His sweat tasted a bit salty, a bit strange, maybe even offputting but I was in no position to reject the demand, nor did I want to either. He gripped one of my ears and crushed it painfully. I whimpered and suckled on his nuts harder.

"Don't recall you being a little masochist." He snarled and pulled me off of him by my ear.

I winced. "I'm not."

"Well you are tonight." He smirked. I met his gaze, wondering if it'd have any affect on the predatory delight in his beady eyes. The slits of his pupils focused on me. He pressed the tip of his cock against my lips. I opened my mouth and started going down on him, a mix of nervousness and excitement within me.

I could handle the pain, I'd grown used to roughness but this was a level above what I'd tried before.

And that's what I wanted.

Chris emerged from his room with a bottle of lube in hand. He knelt behind me, tingles of anticipation welled up within me.

He ran a wet finger up my crack and pushed a dollop of lube in. I moaned into Eric's crotch as the wolf's finger spread me open.

"He's pretty stretchy," Chris said, digging another finger in.

I flinched as Eric smacked me across the face. "Told you he's a fucking slut."

I stretched my jaw and garbled a hiss around the thick dick in my mouth. Getting slapped about was a little disorienting but it jostled my sensibilities a bit more each time he did it.

"What's a matter pussy?" He tensed his legs against my sides and squeezed me painfully. I coughed my way off of his cock, spit fell in a strand from my lips.

Was I starting to like it? I couldn't quite tell, between the alcohol and the pain bright in my thoughts it was hard to think.

I pressed myself back against Chris's fingers and moaned, eyes shut as I basked in the pleasure of it.

Blunt force nearly knocked me over as Eric clapped a hand down hard on my shoulder.

I staggered and grit my teeth.

"Stop fucking around." He grabbed me by the top of my muzzle, his fingers invaded my mouth braced against my fangs as he yanked me forward. My nose brushed against his sticky cock.

Before he could slap me again I was going down on him, forcing myself to take him as fast as I could manage lest he take it as an excuse to hit me again.

And in that panic was pleasure, for him at least. For me it was stress, but not how I expected it. I was stressed from the fear that I couldn't please him enough. Not from the pain directly. It urged me on harder, made me want to be certain he was enjoying it.

I gagged as his cock pressed into my throat.

He stared down at me with guarded satisfaction. I snorted in steady breaths through my nose, a little woozy with headspin.

A moan shook out of me as Chris pulled his fingers from my hole.

His cock brushed between my cheeks. I shuddered, moaning again in anticipation. The wolf crammed his dick into me with force.

I gagged on Eric, surprised by the sudden push forward but as I tried to lift my head the croc's meaty hand forced me back down. I hacked in a rough breath and braced my arms against his legs, focused entirely on holding it together.

Pleasure spread through me as Chris humped into me a few times, feeling me out as he grunted loud. "You feel so good." His voice was a distracted growl, but I only heard it distantly. All of my senses dulled except to touch. Trying to relax as I was spitroasted on two thick cocks was all I could focus on. I could hardly even think about Chris, my thoughts swirled around Eric. Managing to hold him in my throat took all of my grit and gristle. I shuddered out pained exhalations but I couldn't keep up.

I rocked my head back and gasped in a deep breath.

I hardly even finished inhaling before Eric slapped my muzzle.

I exhaled a groan, guilt rumbled about my chest. I only had one job and I wouldn't let myself disappoint. I tried to take him again, but with Chris slamming his hips against my ass I struggled around Eric's thick cock. I kept getting forced forward but I couldn't adjust for it properly.

The wolf's balls slapped against my taint with every thrust, he was going at me hard and though I reveled in the pleasure that came with it, it felt like a distraction.

The croc leant over me, he wrapped one arm around the back of my head, his other hand came to rest between my ears. I gulped once and braced as he used the bulk of his body to force me down on him.

His cock speared into my throat.

Pain made me seize up, but I leant into it instead of tensing away.

He thrust into me weakly, testing the waters for how hard he could go. I grappled with the urge to fight it, to try push back and breathe like normal. But to do so was to fail. To let his pleasure escape him.

There was an ironclad will within me to do whatever I had to do for his pleasure, reinforced by the beating I'd endured. So I yowled into his lap and cowered under the thrumming pressure of Chris plowing my ass.

The pleasure of it was so distant I wasn't even sure I felt it.

All I could do was try not to gag, to relax as Eric's massive cock slid in and out of my throat.

He tightened his arm around my head, squeezing me harder into his lap. My nose ached against the scales of his chest. He pistoned his hips as he fucked my face. I went limp, hardly able to hold myself up on hands and knees. My eyes were screwed shut and the sensation was so wildly unpleasant.

But I didn't want to retreat.

I wanted him to finish.

I wanted him to get what he wanted out of me.

And if he hit me again so be it, I'd go even further if I had to.

I wriggled my tongue against the underside of his cock.

I wasn't even sure he felt it but it only reinforced the willpower within me. I could do it, had to do it. It was my purpose that justified all the pain. It hurt to draw breath. It hurt more not to breathe. My sense of time drifted, one moment became so focused by the pain I could feel every slight twitch Eric made, another moment passed and he'd humped my face a dozen times in a frenzy. The entire motion a blur.

I could hear Chris growling like a distant memory as he fucked me raw.

He snatched my tail and tugged me back, a lurch of fear shot through my mind as it threatened to pull me away from Eric. I braced and nuzzled the croc's crotch. Determined.

He only fucked my face even harder.

He started groaning, deep and carnal sounds that shook through my body.

A new sensation shifted my focus, warm and wet within me. I grunted, shocked, realizing that Chris had finished. The wolf pulled out of me.

The distraction finished.

I gulped against Eric's cock, I stared at his face as he closed his eyes and lost himself to the pleasure of it. His burly arms still head me against him as he thrust into me, but his strength was fading.

The croc's thick cock twitched in my throat. He threw his head back and groaned, his hold on me loosened. His motions grew softer but I went at him harder. I needed to compensate as he flagged, it felt so essential. He started moaning, his deep voice cracked higher. I kept going, forcing my head to move despite the pain. His arms went lax and I only went further. I pushed myself to my limit in lieu of him keeping his strength together as I threw my head wildly at his lap over and over.

My lungs ached for air.

My throat groaned in pain.

I was his freak, he'd shown me how he wanted it and his pleasure was all I cared for. I guzzled his cock and rocked my head back and forth, wincing as it moved in and out of my throat. I could hardly even breathe but I couldn't care.

He was shaking, making low sounds as he struggled to hold it together.

His hand tensed in my mane and he cried out a filthy moan.

His cock jerked within me. I gagged as his cum shot down the back of my throat. I leapt back and fell against the floor. His dick twitched as it fired off another two thick ropes of spunk that landed across my body.

Relief surged through me.

I was amazed as it swept me. I heaved in massive breaths, my brain fizzled with excitement. Pins and needles coursed through my limbs. I'd done it.

My purpose fulfilled.

I lay there, stunned as I recovered.

They made no move to get me off, but surprisingly I felt little urge to.

I wasn't even hard. What I felt now was so different to an orgasm, better than one in some ways. I was trembling, unable to hold myself together. There were tears in my eyes as the pain across my body eased. It felt like an anxiety attack, an unruly storm of emotions only all the panic was replaced with soothing positivity.

I'd been so single-mindedly focused on Eric that succeeding at getting him off under supreme duress had brought me a sense of apotheosis. I'd built up a mountain of stress and broken it simultaneously. The relief kept raining down on me as I basked in the moment.

I hadn't noticed Chris leave but he came back with a rag to wipe me off, then he nuzzled up beside me on the floor and held me quite tenderly. My heart soared as every fiber of my being thrummed with joy.

Whatever the hell this was, I wanted more of it.

Lying in a heap on the floor, exhausted but content I probably could've passed out then and there.

But Eric scooped me out of Chris's arms and carried me a few steps to his bedroom.

A frown crossed the wolf's face, but he made no move to intervene.

Tired and still a little drunk, I let the issue rest. Eric took me to his bed and snuggled firm against me. His thick arms wrapped my chest, his snout buried in my mane. It wasn't that comfortable with his scales digging into me, but at this point I could hardly care.

He'd dominated me tonight, he could keep me however he wanted until morning.

"Gunna fuck you awake." He growled in my ear.

Coming down from the peak of my excitement, I wasn't convinced I wanted that. Though I wasn't unconvinced either. I chuckled, too tired to say anything. The lack of clarity in that response summed up my feelings on it anyways.

"Maybe I'll keep you a few days." He nipped at the skin under my mane. "Really put you in your fucking place."

It sounded so extra, but in this tired state it was hard not to muse a little about what that could be like. In fact, it did feel a little desirable to drop off the grid, disappear into this man's bedroom and be his fantasy for a few days. It'd also be remarkably irresponsible given the situation with Cam, but maybe that's part of why it was so attractive.

Our chests were pressed together, our cocks in direct contact. I started to harden a bit as I considered it.

And that was dangerous.

Eric's hold tightened on me a little as he reacted to my arousal, likely it only affirmed to him he was going to get what he wanted. With my horny brain becoming more and more engaged with these tired thoughts it really was getting dangerous to consider.

Like, hideously dangerous.

It tapped some shrouded desire in my head, a need for a stronger connection to someone which we could form if he used my body the way he threatened for days at a time.

Without a doubt since I already liked it once, I'd want to do it again.

And things most certainly would come from that.

Damn.

That realization made my thoughts run head first into a brick wall.

Currently, that wouldn't work with my relationship with Cam. I wasn't going to break any agreement but for the first time ever, I felt tempted to.

I tried to shake those thoughts from my mind as I settled down and drifted off, glad for the contact. A little sad it had to be a temporary comfort.

Eric smothered me against his chest as we slept. His claws pressed against my back like he was worried I'd get away from him. There was a bit of tension to him, like he was preparing to make good on his threat to fuck me awake.

But I woke before him at the crack of dawn.

Groggy and feeling a little ill, I glanced around the room. I was all bleary and tired as I shook my way out of his arms. My chest ached from being clutched so tightly and my fur had the pattern of his scales pressed into it.

I flopped onto the floor and groaned as I stretched.

Concern filtered through my thoughts, I wanted to get out of here before Eric woke up. Not because I didn't want him to fuck me again, more that I was worried how I'd react internally to it. How it'd shape my desires.

Right now, I had to keep my thoughts a bit clearer lest I did end up doing something truly unfair to Cam.

And though I felt a touch of misery and uncertainty the morning after, it was drowned out by a sense of accomplishment. I'd done something. Had new memories, and credit to Eric I might actually remember his name this time.

My shoulder ached something fierce, all tight from how I had to sleep on it. That croc left me no room to wriggle.

I tried to stretch it out but it just wasn't having it.

With a sigh, I left Eric's bedroom and almost tripped over his pants right outside his door.

I kicked them aside and gathered my clothes. A smile crossed my face as I woke up a little more, his room smelled of my perfume.

Now dressed, I turned to double check I hadn't forgotten anything.

Eric's wallet sat on the floor near where I'd kicked his pants.

I was about to leave but a devilish thought crossed my mind.

I really, really shouldn't.

But also, my face and shoulder hurt because of him. He had taken me from Chris. I didn't really care about either of those things, I'd stop hurting in a few hours and I wasn't really planning on doing anything more with Chris. But it wasn't quite how I'd imagined last night going and something about that made me feel a little owed.

I had the power right in this moment to set that straight, so I did.

I held my breath and stared through his bedroom door as I tiptoed over, picked up the wallet and fished out a $10 note.

I could've taken more, but I had no desire to. It was such a small sum of money he probably wouldn't even notice it missing, I could use it to get myself breakfast in town. It felt almost wrong. Not quite entirely wrong, it didn't feel at all like I'd done something bad. I'd done something I knew better than to do, but... eh?

The sort of thing I'd never done before.

So why not?

I wanted new experiences right?

Perhaps I could repay it soon. Rile him up with it some other time, see how he'd get his revenge. And though desire stalked that thought, I knew I shouldn't indulge it.

But I felt chuffed. I was sore and rather than just hold that, I did something to settle the ledger. Something that'd probably go entirely unnoticed to anyone but me.

Pinching cash wasn't the kind of thing I saw myself forming a habit out of, but it was a little treat for me.

Something I never would've thought of if not for Scott making me think about putting myself before others.

I hurried to the kitchen to rehydrate before I headed out, not wanting to risk an interaction with either of them.

I breathed deep the crisp mountain air and came at ease. On this wintry morning, a light fog rolled down the slopes of the mountain and cloaked our town in mist. The sun was still rising and with it, my mood soared.

That was it, hook up complete.

It'd been far too long since I'd done this, and rather than lament my frustrations or regrets about that I felt just dandy. There was a $10 note in my pocket that made all the difference.

As I walked back to the heart of town, a thought crossed my mind.

Eric had been far rougher with me than anyone else before, but especially Cam. The other day, the aching I felt after Cam had roughed me up felt so bothersome. But this was worse, but I took no issue with it at all.

Was I just looking for grievances with Cam then? I wasn't sure what to do about that, but I didn't like that it could be true. For anyone else, I think I could've examined it carefully, but this issue was so deeply personal that I couldn't think on it properly.

I didn't really believe it, but the only thought I had to convince myself otherwise was that it was just a symptom of the dissatisfaction we shared.

Those thoughts kept me busy as I picked up coffee and a croissant from a bakery. It was so early they were the only place open.

I had so much time on my hands before Cam would even be awake, to clear my head and freshen up I went for a long walk around the town.

I ended up on a bench in a park near our apartment in a strange mood.

The sun had risen, the fog had dissipated.

Relief encircled a sense of foreboding I wasn't quite ready to engage with. I had to pick at it from the outside to make sense of how I really felt. It didn't take long for that foreboding to fall to tatters.

Because I was happy.

Last night was so silly. I could still hardly believe Eric remembered me. Replaying the moment I realized he was Chris's roommate brought a laugh out of me from the rush of awkwardness I felt.

But those kind of moments were special and I wasn't going to deny myself them ever again.

And then there was Eric's gruff statements before we slept...

I sighed. The longer I thought about it, the more I wanted it.

I stared at the cloudless sky above, warmed through by the morning sun.

I couldn't keep struggling with myself.

Last night was too much fun.

The kind of thing I wanted more of with regularity.

But also with people I had a deeper connection with.

Be it Scott and Rob. Be it others I hadn't met yet.

Perhaps Chris and Eric, I was very curious to see if there was potential there.

Even that stag from Fo's.

Hell, why not all of them?

Be it anyone more than just Cam.

My mind was made up and that certainty glowed all gilded and warm in my chest.

What I needed was more than just an open relationship, it was multiple. Being committed to just one person left me wanting.

Of course I still wanted Cam, but... I sighed. He likely wouldn't take well to this, and if not I knew what had to happen.

But I'd try. For once I knew what I needed, and I'd seize it. I had to, I was so done not living life how I wanted to.

All that anger of the last few days sat like a distant memory. I'd found my solution.

It was time then.

My eyes tracked through the cloudless sky as I hesitated a moment longer, unsure if I was ready.

It was big, but it was necessary.

I was just afraid it might hurt.