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Eleven months ago

_I was lying in bed, relaxed when Cam entered the spare room Rob had lent me to crash in.

There was something about him I couldn't place. Something new. An embarrassed grin shaped his lips. A lightness in his eyes, so different to his usual uncertainty. He stood taller now than he ever had before.

I sat up, staring at him. My heart paced a little faster. After this week at Rob's he'd been pushing so many boundaries he'd placed upon himself.

He took in a deep breath.

"Tristan," he started and paused and exhaled softly. The slightest touch of hesitation put a smile on my face.

Maybe I was reaching.

But I could feel what was coming.

My heart beat harder.

Every strand of fur stood on end.

Every muscle tensed.

"There's somethin' I gotta tell you." He bit his lip. I stared at him expectantly, too excited to breathe. "I..." He sucked in a quick breath. "Um. I like you. A lot..." He clamped up.

My smile widened.

My heart raced.

I quivered, unable to contain my reaction. But he kept going.

"I dunno if, like, you feel the same. Or somethin'." He looked so anxious all of a sudden. "But. I-I dunno. Think you do. And Rob said that-"

I laughed, all joyous and certain. "Of course I do."

His eyes went wide.

"Oh." A breathy chuckle slipped his lips. "Oh shit. Really?"

I jumped to my feet and embraced him.

He shook in my hands as he put his arms around me. His breath came rushed and uneven.

"Little secret." I tightened my hold on him. "Been crushing on you for years."

He twitched. "Really?"

I leant back from the hug and nodded. "I tried to make subtle moves since I couldn't tell if you were ready or felt the same. And, like. Kept feeling like I should wait. Then there was that... night." I wasn't sure if I should mention it. The night we crashed at a friend's place after a party. Where we shared a bed. Where tipsy and uncertain I made my way into his pants.

And tipsy and uncertain, he wanted me to.

I blew him.

He couldn't look me in the eye for two weeks after and I was certain I'd broken our friendship. But it was fine, we just never talked about it. And I'd been curious and wanting for more ever since.

"Mmm." He glanced at the ground, his lips tight with embarrassment. "Sorry."

"Don't be." I lifted his chin and stared into his eyes. "It was a mistake, you weren't ready for that yet. And that's okay, like, we get there when we get there. And seems like you've worked it out." I smiled warmly.

He nodded.

Silence stretched between us.

He looked awkward as he reached for something to say. "Um. Are we like, boyfriends now?"

I chuckled and gave a shrug, but I felt so elated something in my brain flipped. "Usually there's an adjustment period." My heart was racing. Yes. This. Exactly this. I had wanted this for so long. "Y'know, dating and like, getting closer but... this last week kinda feels like it's already served part of that purpose and we've know each other for so long." I chuckled, unable to contain it. "And like, I want to have a relationship with you, more than anything. We'll still give it some time, alright? But... yeah, like, if that's how you wanna see us, it's fine by me." I smiled warmly at him.

He stared at me, mouth agape. Slowly, very slowly, he sucked in a breath.

"Holy shit." He trembled. "Holy shit Tristan are you serious?"

I nodded enthusiastically as I beamed at him.

He shook on his feet as he lurched forward and tackled me onto the bed. "Oh my god," his voice was ripe with joy. "I can't- like... I didn't think... well I did but not so, like this?"

I wrapped my arms around him. He was tense with nerves but he hugged me hard to his chest. Bundled tight in his arms I found tears in my eyes as relief surged through me.

All this time I'd been weary around my feelings for him, lest I scared him off by coming on too strong like what happened after I first blew him.

But for once it felt good to indulge them.

Felt right.

Like he always did._

*****

I was lying in bed, relaxed when Cam's key clicked in the front door.

He'd just spent the evening with Rob, talking about the issues between us.

I rose, calm and ready. He jumped as I came out of our room.

I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He was tense at first but he eased as he returned the hug.

"How was it?" I asked.

"Good." He rubbed his snout in my mane. "Wait, how'd you know?"

"We should talk, eh?" I pulled back, smiling at him. And though it was a little forced, I felt it. There was hope in my chest and I could see it in his eyes as a slight smile pulled at his lips.

"We should, yeah."

He followed me to our couch, we sat facing each other. A bit of distance, respectful yet still close.

"Um, sorry I didn't tell you about tonight." He rubbed at the back of his head.

"Nah." I shook my head. "Sorry I didn't tell you about last night. You had good reason to be upset with me, I think and like, I'm not gunna fault you for wanting to do something similar."

"Scott tell you about it?" His voice softened.

"Rob actually."

"Really?" He jolted, eyes wide and nervy.

"Yeah. Scott and I were going back to theirs to fuck, didn't expect Rob, but he was there. And we talked a bit, it was kinda tense at first." I watched his face closely. "I can tell you all about it if you want, not going to hide anything." And I meant that. I'd tell him what Scott had confessed to me too if he asked.

He frowned. "Um, I think it's ok. I can imagine, I guess you all fucked around then?"

I nodded. "Honestly, the hottest sex I've ever had."

He grit his teeth. "Bet you needed that, huh?" He went a bit quieter, he gripped his fluffy tail in his lap nervously.

I nodded again.

"Sorry."

I shrugged. "We'll talk about it."

"I gotta- um. I dun wanna really say it but I gotta. All this time, I dunno. Um. I felt kinda weird about, like. You letting me do whatever with you. But I thought you wanted it like that, and even when I knew you weren't enjoying it I wasn't sure if I was meant'a stop or keep going or what?" He hung his head. "And I've been watching this happen not knowing what to do and I'm so sorry."

I reached over to put a hand on his shoulder. "It's alright." I smiled at him. "I think I've realized it was a stupid thing to promise and I'm sorry I didn't do anything about it either."

"Dude I'm so nervous." He gulped a heavy breath. "Heart's fucking racing and I dunno why." He stared at me.

I pulled my hand back carefully. "It's okay. We're being calm yeah? We'll do some talking. Communicate, so we can do better."

He nodded quickly.

"You going to be okay?"

He furrowed his brow.

"Deep breaths." I felt uneasy. He was prone to panic but I'd never seen him like this. "Why don't you tell me a bit about what you and Rob talked about?"

He took a moment to steady himself. "He um, I called him this morning, on the way to work. I dunno what happened. I-I wanted to be like, calm. I wanted to hear his thoughts and I started speaking and I lost it, flew off the handle. Had to pull over and I just sobbed to him for almost an hour." He wrung his bushy tail between his hands. "He got upset. Like. Mad, like shouting and angry. And I think that made me worse. Cuz I thought it was appropriate and I felt so hurt."

I nodded, a slight frown on my lips. It pained me to hear that.

"Had a real shit day. Just thinking on everything over and over. 'N all I can hear in my head is Rob going off at you and I was getting mad too." He dipped his chin and took a deep breath. "I was convinced that tonight, I was gunna break up with you."

I winced. My heart beat uneven in my chest. "How are you feeling now?"

"Better, I guess. Like, nervous as hell, but better than before." He sighed. "When I met up with Rob the first thing he did was apologize. He kept telling me over and over he overreacted. Saying he jumped to conclusions and like... guess that makes sense now, if you'd spoken to him." He took a deep breath. "Then we started talking better about y'know... this. And he told me to try see it from your side. Went on and on about how badly he used to treat Scott and all the problems that caused." He sniffed. "But I-I'm not like that, right Trist?" He stared at me, almost pleading. "I don't hurt you do I? Not like that? Fuck, please tell me I haven't... er. Tell me if I have."

It was hard to answer that while staring into his eyes as they creased with fear.

I scrunched my eyes shut.

Very carefully, I spoke. "I think we hurt ourselves. And like, yeah. Gotta emphasize that, okay? We, together. You and I. Both hurt each other, and not on purpose either." The words were heavy on my tongue. "And I don't quite think it's the same as what they went through. Rob used to push Scott's boundaries over and over and that's much worse."

"But what do I do?" His paws were shaking.

I grimaced, there was no easy way to say this. "Take advantage of me. Don't reciprocate the things I offer in your own way."

He stared so long and hard at me I could feel his eyes bore through my skull. "I..." His hands moved to his head. "Trist, fuck. I know. I know I know I know." He started shaking. "It's like I said earlier. But what do I do?" He stared at me. "How do I fix that? I don't want you hurting I don't but it's- fuck. It's too late. I know it is. The harm's done."

I raised my hands cautiously, shaking my head. "It's not too late." I hesitated, unsure where to take this. "I feel like I pulled too much into our relationship. I put too many expectations on you. I should've been more patient, should've realized what wasn't working and spoken up so we could've nipped this in the bud."

His eyes misted up as I spoke.

He watched me, nose wet as he sniffled. "What the fuck am I meant to say to that Trist?" Agony tore at his face. "It's so fucking plain to me I've done so much worse to you. And I-"

"Cam. No." I raised my voice, scowling. "We're not going to try quantify these things, okay? Neither of us has done worse here. We both fucked up, alright? And that's the only way I'm going to tolerate either of us handling this." Anger backed my words.

He clamped up. Stunned.

I wasn't one to shout.

Anger was perhaps the rarest thing for me to express.

But here we were.

And in the quiet of the moment after, all I could feel was him absorbing that. That he'd brought me to anger.

I'd give an arm to go back a moment before and respond more calmly.

"This is hell," he said, eventually.

I sighed, nodding along. "We'll get through it."

"What's the point?" He brought his knees up to his chest and scowled at the ground.

I grunted.

Ow.

Fucking. Ow.

"Cam..." My eyes stung.

He glanced to me, frustration on his face.

I saw the moment he realized what he'd said.

His eyes went wide.

He opened his mouth to speak and shut it immediately.

He reeled back, clutching his head.

He panted, shaking.

"Didn't mean it."

The words were so quiet I could hardly hear them over the ticking of our wall clock.

I was about to reach over and pat his knee, just some simple gesture that showed him no hard feelings.

He bolted.

I flinched, hand paused midair.

He ran for our room and slammed the door.

I scrunched up my face, feeling queasy. That was so much more complicated than it had to be.

I wanted to scream.

I snatched my phone out of my pocket and hissed as I typed a message to Scott.

Cam's a child and I'm upset

He replied immediately.

Yep! You're a patient man and that's a wonderful thing. Just make sure you're looking after yourself too.

I could feel it in his response. He was nudging me in the direction of making a choice off of what he'd offered earlier, that I could fit into his relationship with Rob. I tried to ignore it, but it bit at my curiosity.

And that stung something fierce.

Was he helping me? Or just confusing me? Was I deluded into thinking this could work out of hope? Out of loyalty?

Cam had been my best friend before this and I was a romantic idiot. It was part of why I'd stuck so close to him as a friend for so long. I liked watching him grow, only now it was clear he hadn't really.

Had I wasted my time then?

Surely not.

I refused to believe that.

But that question didn't leave my mind.

And what could be done about it? I could dump him and go run off with Scott. I'd be happier there. I knew that.

But I'd have lost something important to me in doing so. It'd hurt Cam so badly if I did that too...

I sighed.

The minutes marched on. I got up eventually, resolving to spend the night by Cam's side. It was an easy gesture, hopefully which would help restore his faith and ease his panic.

But I found myself hesitating as I stood. The granular reality of my options sprawled out around me, this moment carried a weightier choice than I realized.

Did I want to be the one carrying gestures? Why did I have to restore his faith? Did I really have the be the one to ease his panic?

Scott was right, wasn't he? I should assert my own needs. Stop sucking people off when it was only hurting me in the end.

He spoiled me on my whim and that made me feel so much better. But that was special, his treat for me. It wouldn't be forever.

Why was I going out of my way to spoil Cam? It was what I'd always done. I'd always been patient with him. Always tried to help him see things more positively and help him grow.

That no longer felt like my charge.

I took a deep breath.

It was still my nature to nurture. So just this one last time I'd take the easy route.

I stepped into our bedroom, hoping to hear him snoring.

He was lying on his side of the bed, eyes wide as he stared at me.

"Feeling okay?" I asked softly.

He shook his head. "I really didn't mean that. I promise. I really, really didn't."

I sat beside him, hand on his shoulder. I was uneasy as I rubbed him, nice and gentle. "Mhm, I understand. You were upset and-"

"You were about to cry. Saw that look on your face." He rolled over, his back to me. "Dunno what the fuck I'm doin'. You deserve better."

My brows stitched together.

In all honesty, he was right.

"Maybe." I lay down, keeping my hand on his arm. "But you want to fix things, right?"

"Uhuh. Just dunno how. I'll do anything."

"We can't solve everything right now, but there's something you could do now if you're up for it?"

He rolled back over. "What is it?" There was desperation written all over his face.

I drew in a long breath. "Cam."

"Yeah?" There was a rise of hope in his voice.

I grabbed his hand and moved it to my hip. "I want you to fuck me, like really fuck me. Like you used to. Put all these feelings into it and burn them up."

He paused. "Oh." That hope fell in an instant.

His fingers braced against my fur, but he didn't move. I waited, nervous.

He pulled his hand back. "Um."

Nervousness tightened in my gut. "Something wrong?"

"Mhm." He nodded. "I uh... Don't? Can't?"

"Ah."

He grimaced. "I'm... uh, really sorry. Trist. I-I..." He scrunched up his face. "Fuck." He heaved a raw breath, husky like he was about to cry. "I just... I'm so afraid of what's happening. So anxious. Can't like... do it. Y'know?"

I held back a sigh. "It's alright." This wasn't the sort of thing I'd try push him into.

"It's not." His voice trembled. "I want you to be happy. I do. But I can't and I want to and..." he trailed off into tears.

I ground my palm against my forehead, agony beat in my chest. I didn't want to make this any worse. "Cam."

He spluttered, shaking. On instinct, I think I did the worst thing I possibly could've.

I cuddled up against him, holding him as I cooed. "It's okay. It's okay. Don't cry, it'll be alright." I kissed his snout.

He sniffled as he panted.

"It's not just about me." I kissed his snout again. "Don't think of this as just me, please. That's doing both of us a disservice, alright? You're unhappy too. And we're going to do something about it, for both of us."

He sobbed into me for a long moment. I felt so awkward. Didn't know what the hell I was doing, or even why I was doing it. He sniffed one last time and nodded. "I hope so," he croaked. "This- we... it made me so happy."

"It still can." I tightened my hold on him. "And it will, if we sort these things out."

He drew in a long breath. "Did I make a mistake telling you how I felt back then?"

"What?" My throat tightened. "No, Cam. No, not at all. It was one of the most true to you things you've ever done. Even if things don't pan out, please, never think of that as a mistake. I'm still proud of you for how much you've grown."

It was scary how quickly he was pulling back, I wasn't sure what I was meant to do.

Wasn't even sure if I wanted to do it.

But I'd done it again.

Put him before me.

I could feel my frustrations lurking back into my bones.

He exhaled hard, tensions fled his body. "Thanks man. You've always been there for me, even now with all this mess. I love you, I do." He leant forward to kiss my lips. "It tears me up inside that things aren't good with us. I feel numb to everything but panic every time I think about it. But I wanna fix this, more than anythin' else."

I could hardly even nod.

My frustrations warmed to anger.

But I couldn't express it, not here, not now.

So I swallowed them.

And fuck me did it burn.

Burn like nothing else had before.

I'd tried to communicate what I needed and he couldn't handle that.

And that was fine, honestly. In isolation that was alright. I'd never force him to do anything sexual.

But I'd defaulted to coddling him, soothing his concerns while I burned.

I only had myself to blame there.

Sleep was uneasy.

I lay awake and smoldered until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

My head was a dense mass of regret. I should've handled this differently.

But I didn't.

I was so soft. So ready to accommodate him.

Damn it.

My thoughts spiraled around what Scott told me. That there was more for me, should I want it. And of course I was curious, because anything was better than this.

But I'd made a commitment I intended to stand by, regardless of how difficult it would be to mend. But there was another way. If our relationship changed to something that didn't need mending?

Perhaps those were dangerous thoughts.

But I was curious and wanting for them.

Because it was a solution I hadn't really considered.

I drifted off, not looking forward to whatever mess tomorrow would bring.

Cam's teeth grazed my neck at the crack of dawn.

I gasped as I roused. He rolled into me, planting kisses up my neck until he found my lips. His hands brushed my sides as he climbed on top of me. Bleary-eyed and tired, I was slow to react but I kissed him back. Uncertainty flashed through my mind and faded as he held my cheeks. There was lightness in his eyes, an eagerness I couldn't refuse.

He kissed me until I was wide awake then sat back. He didn't tremble, only met my stare with confidence that made my heart swell.

He coaxed a gentle moan out of me as he rubbed my belly. "Think I owe you somethin'." A warm smile filled his face.

I chuckled. "Would hate to think of it as owed," I kept my voice light lest the meaning of my words spooked him.

"'Spose you're right." His hand slid down to my crotch. I smirked as he fondled my morning wood. "See it like me makin' it up to you." He crawled back over me and nuzzled my face. "'Cuz I love you, and we gotta work this out."

I crept my hand up his back and held him in place as I kissed him firm on the lips again.

"You're damn right we do." I stared into his eyes, joy coalesced around the coals of my frustrations from last night and smothered the residual heat.

I embraced him fully, relief trampled last night's thoughts.

This contact reaffirmed all that certainty I had in him.

He took his time but he meant well, always.

I felt a little silly my faith had been shaken at all.

I wanted to examine that closer, but he leant back to strip his shirt off and my thoughts tilted hard in one direction.

I lunged for him, wild with lust as I ran hands through his copper fur. He shoved my head down and buried my face in the white fluff of his belly. Arousal sprung out of the relief as I was reacquainted with my desire for him. Like some deep truth of my existence was that I wanted him. Craved him and his body, how familiar it felt to me once again like I knew it as well as I knew my own.

That distance between us vanished in an instant.

And there it felt like our hearts beat in time, that our affections were shared and certain.

That we mirrored love so boundless and free it mingled in the air around us.

And coming home to him as I knew him best was so soothing, so important. So convincing that all this turmoil was unnecessary if only we could reunite in this passion.

I traced the curve of his hips as I tugged his boxers down. His thick cock bounced free, nine inches glistened with pre. I cupped his balls as I suckled his tip.

He sat back on his haunches, neck crooned as he moaned. I ran my tongue up his shaft, delighting in the soft sounds he made. His fingers brushed through my mane as he pushed me firmer against him. I could feel every muscle in his body tensing as I lashed my coarse bristles against him.

"Mmh." He exhaled and thrust deeper into my muzzle.

I purred as I adjusted and lapped at his sweet pre. A low chuckle rumbled out of him as I kneaded his balls. The sound delighted every part of me. To hear the pleasure I gave him so clearly only soothed me further.

I wanted this.

It was these moments I came alive.

These moments we'd been lacking now for months.

I slurped at his cock. He groaned, the encouragement clear.

I worked my way down his shaft until my nose brushed his pubes. His hand trailed down my back.

My tail twitched as a wet finger circled my hole.

I whimpered, so wanting I bowed deeper before him and raised my ass.

He pressed his finger in.

I purred and nuzzled his crotch, his meaty cock twitched in my throat.

"Damn you feel so fuckin' good." He thrust twice against my mouth. I answered by leaning back against his finger and gasped as it went deeper. "You're filthy for it." He jabbed a second finger into me.

Pleasure warmed me through.

I could only moan an agreement.

"You're so loose." He shoved a third in. "The fuck have you been doing?" Passion lit up his voice.

I brushed my tongue up the underside of his cock as I pulled off of him. I stared up at his eyes, a little taunting as I spoke. "Took Scott and Rob at the same time."

Bewilderment sharpened into lust. He snorted and shoved me over. I bounced on our mattress as he jumped on top of me and pinned my arms down. "You are such a fuckin' slut." The softest sparks of anger backed his words. I laughed to egg him on.

This was perfect. Exactly what I wanted. For those feelings to come out, a way of handling them.

He moved a hand to my chest and pinched my nipple. I winced at first but he clenched his fingers against it until I yowled and tried to throw him off of me.

But he held firm. I hissed and kicked until I was just about to shout. He let go.

I grunted, staring up at him through a mask of pain.

A smirk shaped his lips. "Roll over."

I squirmed under his weight until I lay on my belly.

Chills went down my spine as he got in position, his cock twitched pre against my ass.

"I was so fuckin' upset the last few nights." He growled in my ear.

"Got so drunk some stag fucked me in the bathroom at Fo's." I grunted.

He smacked me hard across the cheek. "That pisses me off." He clenched a fist in my mane and shoved me into the sheets. I hissed into the bedding. He stabbed his cock into me.

I arched my back at the rush of it.

"Fuck." I grunted. No amount of double penetration could prepare me to take him to the hilt so fast.

I grappled with the pain as he started plowing me with urgency. I gasped and shuddered over every thrust as I begged myself to relax into it.

He hammered my ass and only pushed me even harder against the sheets. My face scrunched, breathing was difficult but it was all I could focus on as he slammed me over and over.

His passion was wild and tense and I felt it full-throttle. His balls slapped loud against my cheeks.

He snarled in a frenzy as he pushed himself to go even faster.

I whimpered and collapsed under him, resistance fled my body as I submitted.

I was an outlet for his feelings and nothing more. I'd never seen him so wild, never felt just how much passion he'd hidden away. And now exposed to it, I melted. I shuddered as he used me. Pleasure ground itself out of the pain of his initial penetration and crested in my heart.

Warmth flooded through me. I clenched the sheets and moaned louder into them. I felt every motion of it as his thick cock rubbed against my prostate harder and harder.

My brain was aflame with joy. Pre oozed from my cock in length strands.

But he started to flag, his passions ran cooler. A smile grew on my lips. I groaned as his pace slowed. The sensation more intense. His fist unwound from my mane, I lifted my head to breathe deep.

I purred as he lifted some of his weight off of me.

He gasped and moaned before he leant back.

I rolled over to stare up at him. He was smiling too, a wild look in his eyes.

He fell against me, grunting as he kissed my face. He breathed hard and heavy. I kissed him back. He pressed his cock back into me. He went steady as he unwound, each thrust was met with mutual moans. His hand jerked my cock almost tiredly. My pre coated his chest. The soft sensation of his fur against my cock was ecstasy.

I arched my back, head fuzzy with pleasure.

"I love you." His voice curled. He dipped forward to kiss me firm on the lips. "Fuck." He gasped. "I fuckin' love you Trist."

Between rushed breaths I answered. "I love you too."

He shuddered, slowing to a crawl. His cock throbbed within me, pleasure emanated through me. I was so raw the tenderness of the moment put me at ease.

I grunted as his cock prodded my prostate.

I tensed and groaned. An orgasm shook me to my core. Cum splattered right up Cam's chest in three huge spurts.

He shuddered over me as every muscle in my body clenched.

His breath came rapid as he whimpered.

His cock twitched twice within me before he emptied his seed deep inside me. All warm and thick as it coated me and eased the exhaustion of how hard he'd fucked me.

Minds wiped bare, passions exposed, we lay there for a long moment.

All the tension within me was gone.

My gripes, my frustrations vanished.

I was riding a high as my orgasm coursed through me.

And still we lay there, bodies tangled.

He pulled out of me, all weak and gentle. He lay beside me, his arms around me.

And for the briefest moment, the world was at peace.

That deep truth I'd acknowledged still rung true.

That I wanted him, that we were right for each other and what we'd just done was proof.

But in the afterglow, I came down from that high.

And that truth rung hollow.

There was no rush of endorphins, nothing like what happened earlier with Scott and Rob. No aftercare.

We just hugged each other loosely, and I wasn't upset about that. I don't think, at least.

My face hurt from when he smacked me.

My nipple was sore.

My ass ached.

That was fine, I guess. Added to the heat of the moment.

But that was it right?

Momentary.

And then I stung with the aftermath.

Like always.

I could hardly even relate to the intensity of the things I'd felt for him in the moment anymore. He just lay there, a little sweaty and tired.

The disconnect was staggering.

I stared at the ceiling, more than just a little concerned as I flicked back through my memory of that passion. And that was weird.

Because I could feel it, all fiery and certain but it looked inert to my mind's eye.

I drew in long breaths, so filled with uncertainty.

Was that even good?

I couldn't tell.

He hadn't actually lasted that long.

But it was passionate.

Was that what I wanted?

It was what I'd asked for.

And he'd done well.

But...

I winced.

Compared to Scott and Rob, even to that complete stranger I'd fucked at Fo's.

That was boring, I think? Was it really?

Surely not.

But that was all I could think about as we cuddled.

That I was bored. Where was that passion now? I was so convinced I wanted him. Was.

I gulped.

Because there was passion lurking about my head.

Only it wasn't for him.

Guilt burned my throat as my thoughts came alive.

I had to say something.

"Hey Cam?" Anxiety gripped me.

"Yeah?" I could hear the hopeful rise in his voice. Damn it, no.

"I need to tell you something a little difficult." I felt like such an asshole.

"Oh."

"I'm really, really conflicted about something." I scrunched my eyes shut. He tightened his hold on me.

"You can tell me what it is, like, please do." He tried to make himself sound understanding but I could hear his nerves.

"Scott told me something yesterday. And I can't stop thinking about it, and I think we need to talk about it." This wouldn't go down well. I knew this wouldn't go down well. What was I doing? Why was I doing this now? Now? Like, right now? Right when I should be affirming how much he meant to me. How much I appreciated him ponying up and giving me what I wanted.

"Okay." That word was rife with terror.

"I wanna make it clear I'm like, still thinking about it okay? But uh, he told me that he and Rob have considered opening up their relationship to me." I dry swallowed.

Cam tensed so hard his claws dug into my arm.

"Um. I dunno if that's like, right for me. Or us. You know?" My voice quivered. "But I think, like. It's... maybe? I've always been like open, and maybe I lean more poly than I realize and..."

I stopped talking.

He gripped me like I was dying in his hands.

"I can't do that," he whispered. He started trembling. "Tristan I can't do that. I don't want that. We agreed you could like fuck around n' stuff but nothing serious."

My heart sunk.

I wanted to back down but I forced myself not to.

"It wouldn't be like, all the time with them. Kinda like the last few days, but more even between you and-"

"The last few days were the worst of my fuckin' life." He growled and sat up. He stared down at me, intense anger in his eyes. "I don't want you to do that."

I shrunk against the pillows. "Yeah, that's why we should work out our feelings on it. Humor it a bit, see how it might look if--and I really do mean if it's something that should happen. Like I said I don't know how I-"

"I'm telling you I'm not okay with it." His voice came dark and ugly.

I went silent.

What was I meant to say to that?

I wasn't even sure what was right for me but to be given such a hard no to even having a conversation about it hurt.

I rolled to face away from him and sighed.

My heart ached.

None of this was right.

Cam just didn't act this way. He was terrified, but for once that didn't feel like my problem.

It was a strange thing to feel this relationship slipping through my hands.

He placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Is that okay?"

"Dunno." I frowned. "Don't know how I feel about it." I had to fight to keep my voice level. "Just wanted your thoughts and I got them." Frustrations burned in my belly.

He rubbed my shoulder. "Sorry."

I came so close, so so close to letting it pass. But my curiosity had melded seamlessly with my frustration that having them blocked so coldly made me bitter. I lifted my head to glance back to him. "I think you should be."

He flinched.

"Things change and it's clear this isn't working. You said you wanted to fix things so we should have proper conversations about the nature of our relationship. Like, I know what we agreed. I've stuck to it. This is new, and it's something that's given me a lot to think about. It would've been nice to have a real conversation about it, and you could've still said no and I would've respected that. I still will, but this is horseshit." I took a deep breath, brushed off his hand and crawled out of bed. "So can we talk about it properly?" I didn't mean to make the question sound so damning, but my anger came clear.

He dipped his chin, a look of concern blossomed on his face as he thought.

It took a moment, but he stared me in the eye.

"No."

The word was my curiosity's death knell.

I gave a slight nod. He was too worried what a conversation like that might reveal and that was beyond infuriating. Anything hidden should be revealed. Should be spoken about. Else we really were deluding ourselves.

"Alright." I swept my mane back off of my face. "I can't begin to express my disappointment, but I understand. Cam. I know you're afraid but, like, fuck man. I'm trying to work things out. What are you doing?" Maybe it was a little sharp, but I was hurt he wouldn't even talk with me.

He crumbled.

He tucked his knees to his chest and gave a half shrug.

I sighed.

"I love you," his voice cracked as he raised the words like they were a fair defence.

I winced as I stifled a rush of anger. "I don't know how I feel about you right now."

He wrenched his head up, pain creased his face. "What's that supposed to mean?" he whispered.

I mirrored his shrug and quietly paced out of our room with my heart in my stomach and tears in my eyes.