Oh, College: Time to Go to Class!
#2 of Oh, College
Let's see what goes wrong on the way to his first college class.
LAST TIME ON OH, COLLEGE: Albus and his new bi buddy get settled in, and THE FUTURE IS SEALED! BAH DAH DAH!!!
After meeting his new roommate, having plenty of awkward moments, and finally going to bed on the last day before classes began, he actually had a dream where he was in a desk, with a futuristic hologram computer thing, and he was getting his thoughts together from the day. There's something I'm feeling about him now, and I just don't know what-_then he realized, after thinking it was just a more subdued form of lust, before realizing that it was about his personality. _I genuinely fell in love with him that quickly! That void that I just tried to ignore this whole time, the one from not having seen Jem in years, is finally filled. I finally have somebody that I can at least try to get into a relationship with, someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. College is gonna be great.
Then he woke up. He was woken up when his roommate, Devon, ever the troll, jumped right onto the bed and was just above him, looking down at him. "psst. Albus. TIME TO WAKE UP!!!" He shouted, and that jolted Albus awake. He noticed the position Dev was in above him, with his hands on either side of Albus, and then said "You know, on the one hand, you're kind of intimidating me by just looming over me like that, but on the other hand, that kind of turns me on." "Maybe I'll have sex with you, but at the end of the day, and when I want it, okay?" he replied. "That actually sounds really nice." "Well, it's not like most people here are putting out enough for me, anyways." Albus didn't know how to feel about that. On the one hand, his roommate seemed to have quite the sex drive, and he liked that. I mean, for fuck's sake! With plenty of people that no doubt want to have sex with him, he's still horny. On the other hand, though, that might be the only reason he might want to bang Albus. "So what's your major, Dev?" "Business" "What in the ass? We have the same major!? That's fucking swood!" "Please just don't say that." "Oh."
Then, they left their room, and started walking down the hallway. They passed some things that Albus couldn't help but notice, and take note of. They saw a cheerleader Wolf, obviously female on account of being well-endowed, chatting up another cheerleader, a Bunny, male, but in drag. They saw a bunch of Zebras and Hyenas exchanging compliments about each other's appearances, all with the addendum "no homo". "You could be bi. Trust me. It's more fun." Albus pointed out. Then they gave him judgmental looks in unison, and one of them said "You know, bi guys are just straight" Albus then flipped him off and said "Bitch, no." "Gay, then?" "Also fucking no. What is it with your bullshit false dichotomy?" "Just keep walking". Albus and Dev kept walking.
Then they saw an obviously stoned Armadillo with the voice of Pauly Shore walk out of his dorm room, bong in one hand and TV remote in the other, who walked up to them and asked them "You guys wanna watch some movies with us? We got some real funny ones", as a slasher film played in the background. "Nah" Dev replied. They kept walking, and ran into a Ferret carrying something in a duffel bag. Albus asked "What's in that duffel bag?" "Nothing that concerns you" the Ferret replied in a voice that sounded like Grand Moff Tarkin's. After a while, they made it down to the exit, and left the dorm building. On their way out, Albus and Dev briefly held hands, got a judgmental look from a Bull in a football uniform, and then Dev noticed. He pulled his hand away, and said "Just a friend, and I might fuck him, and how does it concern you, anyways?" The Bull simply backed away and left after saying "I guess I'll see you at practice, then."
They passed by various buildings on their way to the class building, which, of course, is where the classrooms are. That goes without saying. They passed by cheerleader tryouts, noticing another well-endowed female cheerleader and another male cheerleader in drag, both copping cheap feels on each other while trying to do a pyramid. The one on top spread her arms out and did a bow, sending an otherwise-perfect pyramid crashing down. They noticed soccer tryouts, with Dev asking Albus "Who gives a fuck about soccer anymore?" "Most of the rest of the world. They call it football, though. They all call it football, and we are the only ones to call it soccer. Saying that THEY have it backwards would, thus, be inherently ethnocentric and absolutely douchey, as well as incorrect." "How do you know this?" Dev asked. "I like learning things." Albus answered.
They noticed a player kick the ball, and noticed the ball ricocheting off of the heads of several players on the opposing teams and into the goal. Albus noticed, but Dev didn't, that particular player getting in trouble for it. If he's able to pull something like THAT off on purpose, then they should give him a fucking medal. If it was an accident, how? How do you do something like that on ACCIDENT!? "The coach is a dick" Albus remarked. Dev didn't question that. Then they finally made it to the class building. They walked in, and as they passed by various classrooms, Albus noticed that most of the students and even the teachers at this college were attractive. Well, this is going to be beyond problematic. Oh, well. At least since the men AND women are wearing revealing clothing here, I'm not going to be complaining all that much. They finally got to the classroom, and opened the door. What happened next was a whole new level of awkward.
NEXT TIME ON OH, COLLEGE: They actually fucking get to class.