A Blurb on Burb: Burb Dogs Talking About Burb Dogs, Ch 2
A Blurb on Burb: Burb Dogs Talking About Burb Dogs Ch 2: Eizenzahn (Alric) on Bad Dogs
Hello, and thank you for attending. My name is Alric Eizenzahn, and I am honored that Mr Campbell has asked for me to speak to you. As the Chief Marketing Manager, Director of Operations, and Chief Executive Officer for Mein Hund, I would assume that there is no question as to my expertise on the matter of Burb Dogs-- it is not a secret that our brand name is often associated with the Burb Dog culture. Rather than being resistant to this affiliation, Mein Hund has instead chosen to embrace it.
So often in a world of preconceived notions it is imperative that new ideas, new ways of thinking, and new ways of living find a champion. I have long believed that no company can survive long without having a long term goal beyond just increasing profit, so bringing the Burb Dog culture to the main stream has become a passion of ours, and we mean to accomplish that by making the realization that humans and Dogs can do more than just exist, they can coexist... and it is my belief that Burb Dogs and Leashers exemplify what it means to maximize one another's potential. I should know, because I freely admit to being among their number.
For me, being a Burb Dog is more than just a label, and, certainly, I am more than just a stereotype, as certain aspects of our market research reinforces. I, like the average Burb Dog an male, but, in general, most Burb Dogs are between sixteen and thirty five years of age-- as I have not had the opportunity to dye recently, the gray in my muzzle can obviously attest that I do not fit into THAT bracket... ah ha ha. The average Burb Dog comes from a low-to-mid middle-class household, drives a car between eight to fifteen years old, and usually works in the public service sector. Yes, we have done our research.
But what does this tell us really about Burb Dogs? To be honest, very little... because these statistics are just numbers and numbers, ladies and gentlemen, do not have heart. If there is one trait I can tell you exists within each and every Burb Dog, it is that; it is heart. Many people who do not truly understand us often think that Burb Dogs are deviants, seeking something "outside the ordinary" in humans, but that cannot be farther from the truth; if anything, Burb Dogs are conformists, furthering the belief that there can be one person in life who can make us happy. I am not speaking of marriage, of course... I speak of a Leasher.
There is a great disparity between looking for someone who can have your puppies and someone with whom you may feel a strong attachment. Far too often in this day and age Humans and Dogs alike find unhappiness in their marriage, or may even have a loathing for someone with whom they have offspring. Can we honestly be so blind as to think that the simple act of presenting a flower or a ring is enough to create a happily ever after? Can pheromones and hormones really be the perfect beginning to a fairytale life and create a lasting basis for a relationship?
Could there not be some basis to the thought that a Dog and a Human might become attached based on a compatibility of something other than biology? In my mind, the mental and emotional bonding that can result WITHOUT the aid of species-specific chemistry has the capacity to be much stronger. Coming to care for and feel for someone without the crutch of emotion-inducing body scent and glad excretions but again, that is my OWN ideology, and does not have backing of the Mein Hund market research team.
Yet, for many Burb Dogs, there is a calling beyond finding that one special human. Among some cross-sections of the culture there are those who consider their relationships with humans to be ones of much less emotional and much more intellectual significance. Relationships do sometimes develop from these interactions but, just as often, it remains casual, friendly, or even business-oriented. The most common example of this kind of Burb Dog is called, the Bad Dog, which I feel is actually a disservice to the classification, as I much more prefer the term Alpha.
The term Bad Dog came about because, out of all of the Burb Dogs, the Bad Dogs are more inclined to mistreat their chosen humans. They are much more likely to get in trouble with the law, have criminal records, and choose anti-social outlets for their stress. Many Bad Dogs end up in spiraling bouts of depression because they have difficulty understanding why they often feel so powerless in society, why they end up feeling isolated among their own kind, and not understanding that something as simple as looking outside of their own self-generated problems can provide a cure. Those of us able to come to grips with this aspect of ourselves arise as something stronger... but enough do not that it continues to perpetuate the Bad Dog image.
Forgive me my splitting of hairs, but, at this point, I wish to focus on those Burb Dogs such as myself, who have managed to set aside the negative aspects of the stereotype and talk to you about who we truly are and how we interact with our humans. Firstly, I will be using the term Alpha henceforth because, honestly, Alphas are used to getting their way... ah ha ha. Moreover, however, I do not like the way that the term 'Bad Dog' describes us because, simply put, I do amazing things for the humans who come and go in my life.
Like Guard Dogs, Alphas have a strong tenacity when it comes to humans that mean something to us. While Guard Dogs often work WITH their chosen Leasher, Alphas choose to work ON our humans, bringing out aspects of them that they didn't know they had. Often, as with me, I might have humans work FOR me and yet, my ultimate goal is to leave them better for the experience. Unlike what some people may hear about Bad Dogs, a true ALPHA is a leader... we do not want to use or abuse anyone, least of all the humans with whom we form a bond. That is not to say that ALL Alphas are so altruistic; sadly, there truly are some who have earned the Bad Dog name.
Relationships an Alpha shares with humans can be as varied and colored as the many individuals out there. Personally, I tend to find it easiest relating to humans on a management capacity... at least, at first. Certain humans who bring about my Alpha instinct tend to, given enough time, become good friends and, on occasion, perhaps something more. Please note that I am a married Dog-- when I say 'something more' I wish to identify that, as with many Burb Dogs, I do not automatically assume that a human is going to become a partner in bed; I seek humans that I can have a lasting impact on, not someone with whom to fulfill a carnal need.
To this end, like any Alpha, I have specific traits I seek in humans. Having been an executive for many years, I consider myself very efficient at knowing people and seeing both their capacity for growth and the best ways to help them achieve it. Some Alphas look for raw clay that can be molded into a shape they desire; other Alphas want to discover an already completed masterpiece and leave their print on it; despite a given Dog's style, the end result is USUALLY to leave the human better for their interaction.
In my case, I consider any human I take under my wing to be capable of far more than they have achieved and, rather than provide them what they need, I want to help them learn how to get it themselves. The one thing that is the same between all prospective humans for an Alpha is that they need to be impressionable, and easy to work with-- though I do hear occasionally that some Alphas like a challenge, this is more often an exception rather than the norm.
To that extent, most Alpha interactions with humans are not as lasting as some Burb Dogs. Guard Dogs, for example, often spend a decade or more with their Leasher-- sometimes their entire life. For an Alpha, relationships MAY be forged on a permanent basis, but usually not as intense as the first years in which we have the most impact on the human or humans we are helping to guide. More often than not, once an Alpha has made a change in the human's life the relationship becomes much more like old friends and much less like an Alpha-and-their-human... I know I can say that about many of my past 'investments'. Yet, on more than one occasion, even in my own history, things have sometimes gone further.
Which brings us to a topic that some consider quite important; what kind of physical intimacy is there between an Alpha and their human? A term I heard the first time I came to the United States intrigued me: 'Friends With Benefits'. It is a human term, that much you can be assured of, as Dogs are often much more willing to share a degree of intimacy with their closest friends. Why I found the term to be so interesting is because I found that it fitted so well into what I considered to be a description of the way many Alphas interact with the humans towards whom they develop feelings.
Although I have nothing against those Burb Dogs who choose to have physical relationships with their humans there are, unfortunately, far more documented cases of what I consider to be the Bad Dog relationships going this direction than the more refined Alphas. Reports of Dog-on-Human rape almost always extends from the misguided advances of a Dog who doesn't understand that the control they have over a human does not automatically let them have their way in all situations. I make this clear: true Alphas do NOT consider their human property and there is a vast divide between freely given consent and rape.
That being said, there is truth to the rumors that Alphas like to be in charge in ALL aspects of a relationship. It is not abnormal for physical relationships between Alphas and their Humans to be instigated by the Dog, and, in most cases, the Alpha will have the dominant role-- male or female Dog, we are normally directing every aspect of the relationship, sex included. To that end, physical relationships are most common between an Alpha and their human if the human tends to be a little more complacent or accomodating when it comes to the Alpha's needs.
In truth, most humans that establish a relationship with Alphas tend to be complacent and accomodating in all aspects. Whether they are just unsure of themselves, eager to please, or simply indifferent, humans with no strong preference are usually the prime candidate for an Alpha's attention. As these humans tend to have a much more submissive role in the relationship, you will note that I have not referred to them as Leashers; some Alphas do not care about the differentiation, but I do make it a point to identify that it is hard to hold a leash when you are the one being walked... ah ha ha.
So, in closing, I wish to acknowledge that the cross-section of the Burb Dog sub-culture most commonly referred to as the 'Bad Dog' is not truly bad at all-- we are simply most often in a position of power in the relationship, which is quite non-traditional among humans and Dogs. Yes, there are some Burb Dogs out there who may truly deserve to be considered 'Bad' but that can be said about anyone from any classification. Those of us who pride ourselves on the relationships we establish and cultivate with our humans are not bad at all-- we are Alphas. For those humans who seek a guiding paw through life we are a welcome addition, and so I say to you, please consider that before you consider labels.
Finally, in return for Mr. Campbell's courteous invitation, I would like to repay the favor by encouraging each and every one of you to look beneath your chairs. Before you entered, I took the liberty of attaching a coupon underneath your seats. This coupon is good for any Mein Hund product, buy one, get one free... and one of you, chosen at random, has a free ticket to see the "Get Spotted" concert, sponsored by Mein Hund. Thank you very much for listening, and I will now be accepting questions.