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And uh... Yeah... That's uh... That's where the diary ended. I flipped the page of my old diary to see if there was anything else, but the rest were all blank pages. So many memories came by while I was reading it... Memories I'd rather have forgotten... Memories I wanted to cherish... I looked up from my old diary to give my eyes a little rest while I heard it started to rain again. Even now, years after all of these events that took place in my life, is still difficult to live with. But I guess that's just life. There's always someone out there who experience something much worse. But you can't measure someone's experience. All I know is that everything made me emotionally stronger and that I can deal with things that will cause a mental breakdown to other people. I can honestly say that period of my life was the most difficult I had to deal with. And all I wanted was to be left alone and to find peace. I could talk about the war but I rarely did. And even if I did, most people wouldn't even understand. I've seen and heard things you can't even imagine. How they've cut people's limbs off in retaliation against the "foreign yoke of oppression". I don't understand how that's supposed to help their own people. Or even help themselves, for all that matters. But how was I supposed to understand? I was seven years old when the war broke out and witnessed the genocide. I got here in Renaria when I was nine old and was adopted by loving parents, giving me a chance of happiness and a future I couldn't get if I stayed in Salahadihn. And even though I lost all of my relatives during the war, I was lucky to escape with my life... But there hasn't been a single day gone by that I haven't thought about my family... About everyone I lost... And back when I was a teen, I even lost myself after everything that happened with Mikaela and Sarah... I was the one who stayed behind, just like it happened back at the refugee camp. But the unbearable thing was that I couldn't talk about what happened with me, when they took my dignity... I couldn't talk about it, even if I wanted to... I can go on and on about it how I totally lost my mind, how much I was hurt, how ashamed I was of myself and drown in self-pity, but I never was like that. It's just the way things were... And all I could do was to move forward and not to look back... The road is still long and difficult to follow and even though the end is far from being in sight, I know that one day, I'll reach the end... And everyone I ever lost will be waiting for me there at the end of the road...

I closed my diary and let out a deep sigh while I wiped the tears out of my eyes. I was staring in blank space for a moment until I felt her soft hand touching mine, gently caressing with her thumb the fur on the back of my hand... I swallowed my tears back and looked at her... I moved over to her and rested my head on her chest as she held me like a baby... I'm taller than her and I'm certainly not as shy as her... It seems kinda strange that someone like me is in the arms of someone else... I'm usually the one holding others in my arms... But I know that I don't have to pretend... She knows... Nikki gently placed her hand on my muzzle while her other hand scratched behind my ear while I touched her silky long maroon hair. Nikki looked straight at me as her violet eyes sparkled in the soft illumination of the bed lamps... Her gentle strokes over my muzzle and the way she looked at me made me realize she considers me as the most beautiful being on the planet... You have no idea how I feel whenever she looks at me like that... She doesn't have to say anything... Just the way she looks at me is enough for me to know what I mean to her... And Nikki...? Nikki is absolutely the most beautiful being I ever set my eyes upon... And even though we've been together for two and a half years, I'm still madly in love with her... I miss her whenever I'm not around her... I became so addicted to her... She became the air I breathe... The ground I walk on... A foundation to build upon and is meant to last forever... I closed my eyes and rubbed my muzzle against her soft chest-fluff and I felt more peaceful the longer she caressed me and held me in her arms... She had a weak smile on her face when I did... But I could tell in her eyes that she was worried about me...

'How are you feeling...? You okay...?'

'Yeah, I'm fine, dushi...'

'Would you like another cup of tea...? It might help you catch some sleep...'

'No, thank you... I'll be fine...'

'Alright...'

'I'm keeping you awake, don't I...?'

'No, it's quite alright... I'll stay up all night for you if I have to...'

'Heh...'

Just because I was having a sleepless night didn't mean she had to experience one as well. But like I said before, she rarely slept when she noticed I couldn't sleep. It's something I deeply appreciated... It caused me to have some distractions from all the things that went through my mind and I'd eventually fall asleep in her arms after drinking a nice hot cup of tea she brought for me... Whenever I'm in her arms like that, it takes me back to my youth... To my own mother... To Catherine, who did the exact same thing whenever I couldn't sleep... But knowing that I was safe in her arms made me feel safe and peaceful... Made me clear my mind and could only feel those wonderful feelings I felt whenever I looked at her...

'You look so tired, dushi...'

'Yeah... Thank god it's weekend... I finally get to sleep in...'

'Yeah... Sooo... You got any plans for today...?'

'I should do some groceries... Do you know what you'd like for dinner tonight?'

'Kofte with rice...?'

'Hehehe... I can't do it the same like grandma does...'

'You don't hear me complain...'

'Hm-mm...'

'You wanna go to the gym with Sam and me today...? We can practice some more if you like...'

'Naah, I really don't think I'm cut out for this...'

'What...? Come on, I thought it went great last time...'

'By accident...'

'So...? Come on, I know you loved it...'

'I'll take it in consideration... I need still need to clean up and do some laundry...'

'It's just for two hours...'

'Hehe...'

Nikki is so gorgeous in any way imaginable... Whenever I went to the gym with Sam and Nikki watched us, she turned the heads of many guys... I can't blame them... Nikki could have anyone she wanted if she was straight... But she's not... She's lesbian... And I'm very lucky to have her as my girlfriend... Out of all the people she can have, she chose me... You don't know how it makes me feel to realize she wants to spend her life with me. How special it makes me feel... And how unworthy I deemed myself... But she made it perfectly clear to me... I need to see her beauty... To touch it... To feel it... Every time I touch her makes me feel as if I'm touching my guardian angel... I was lost for so many years but the day I first met her, she took my hand and guided me through to where we are today. She's my cure for everything. She keeps me stable... The band that Nikki and I have goes so much deeper than just a simple relationship... It's because of the things we experienced when we were young and the things we experienced together... It takes decades to build up a band like that with someone... But it just took two and a half years for us and it only seemed to get closer as each day passes by... And after what happened tonight, it made us unbreakable...

I can't tell her how much I love her. How much she means to me. But you wouldn't understand even if I tried to tell you. That's something only Nikki and I understand... And even though Nikki and I grew up in completely different situations, I realized that we weren't any different. She let me in on her life and accepted me for whom and what I am... And she made that clear with every gentle touch she gives me... I stared in her twinkling eyes and lost myself in them... But gazing upon her beauty wasn't enough for me... It's never enough... I had to feel it... To touch it... To smell it... To taste it... She'd never deny me, even if she doesn't want to... So I'll do my best to pleasure her and satisfy her every need... And maybe that's the reason why she always gives in to temptation... So it wouldn't be any different tonight...

I touched her upper arm as my fingers slowly made their way to her shoulder... Slowly removing the strap of her nightie while I kept looking at her breast... Very slowly, I pulled it down... Nikki didn't do anything about it... It seemed she only wanted to encourage me to continue... So I pulled it down even more until her breast was visible... Fairly big, round and firm and so soft when I touched it... They are the definition of beautiful breasts... I felt her heartbeat started to beat faster when I touched it... And when I looked at her, she looked a little nervous while she had a little blush on her face... Nikki's not so shy anymore like she once used to be but she still has her moments every now and then... Sometimes I still wish she's as shy as she once was... It just so cute to see... She didn't try to hide herself... Nikki didn't seem to be bothered with her exposed tit... All she did was looking down at me while she caressed my hair...

'What's on your mind...?'

'Nothing... I'm just amazed how you look more beautiful with each day passing by...'

'Heh... Well... '

'Do I make you happy...?'

'Of course you do... Why do you always ask that...?''

'Because, well... It's just very important for me to know...'

'You know what I think...?'

'Hm...?'

'I think you're just a little insecure... That's all...' she said with a smile...

'Me...? Pfff, naah...'

'I know you longer than today, sweetheart...'

'Yeah well, it's just...'

'Yes...?'

'The fights we had in the past and... All the things that were happening...'

'And yet we're still together... Everyone has fights... It wouldn't be right if we didn't have fights...'

'Hm-mm...'

'Still, if we are getting involved in a psychical fight together, I'd rather have Samantha doing it for me...'

'Hehehehe...'

'No, seriously...! Last time it looked really painful when she gave you, uh... What's it called? a jab...?'

'Uppercut... A jab is when you punch someone straight on the muzzle...'

'Oh yeah... It looked really painful nonetheless...'

'Hehehehehe... It was. She almost knocked my canines out... I knocked her down after that, though...'

'Yeah but sometimes you two seem to take things a little too far, you know...'

'You're telling me to go easy on Sam? She's not exactly going easy on me encase you haven't noticed, dushi...'

'Yeah but sometimes, it looks as if the two of you are trying to beat each other in the hospital... I'm just worried it'll actually happen some day...'

'We use protective gear, Nic... And besides, Sam's a tough girl... No matter how many times you knock her down; she'll always manage to get up...'

'She roughed you up pretty bad a couple of times...'

'Yes... She's good at what she does... But we're still felines, nonetheless... Being wild is what we do best... I thought you figured that out by now, dushi...'

It took her a moment to sink that one in. But once she understood what I meant with that, a beautiful smile appeared on her face as she started to scratch behind my ear again. She knew all too well what I meant with that... Hihi...

I'm not ashamed to say that sex is important for the both of us. Those moments we have reminds me of what it's all about... The how, why... It wasn't exactly difficult for me to go to bed with her... The first time we did it was... I don't know... A strange combination of magic, lust, passion, intimacy and a huge amount of trust and friendship... I remember our first time all too well and how surreal it seemed to me... It just happened... And maybe that's why it was so surreal to me... If you know Nikki, you'd see in a blink of an eye that she's not willing to expose her feelings and emotions to anyone. It takes a lot of time and effort just to be friends with her. And the reason why it seemed so surreal to me is that it just happened... Nikki used to have such a closed nature and wouldn't let anyone in her life unless she wanted to, let alone someone to undress her... It's because she let me... And right from that moment, I knew how special I am to her... But I often wondered what it is she sees in me. What makes me so special for her? I asked her that a million times and she always gives the same answer that I don't understand... She tells me that the little things in life we take for granted matter the most, like a hug or a kiss. But the next question would be, why me? People often say that I look so beautiful but there's always someone out there who looks even better. And that's when her philosophies and ideals come in... She thinks that the inside counts the most... Nikki always gives people the benefit of the doubt and she's way too nice against people... It makes her so naïve sometimes... But I, on the other hand, look at people from the outside and judge them by their appearance... And Nikki is the living proof that things are not always what they seem to be... The fact that she has a beautiful and caring personality came as a bonus... I'd never imagine that we'd be together for so long because of our totally different personalities. I think it's safe to say that I taught her a lot of things about life. But she taught me a lot of things as well from the moment I first met her. It's very rare to meet someone who looks beautiful from the inside as well from the outside, let alone the fact whether she has the same feelings for you... And maybe that's the reason why we can get along so well with each other... We compensate one another's flaws... Is it destiny...? Maybe... But I don't believe in those kind of things. But right now, when I think about it, I would almost start to believe that it is...

I had my eyes closed for just a couple of minutes... But on sleepless nights like these, minutes seemed hours. And I felt that Nikki wasn't scratching my ear anymore... I looked at her while she could barely keep her eyes open... The poor thing was totally shattered... When I quietly whispered her name, she opened her eyes and looked around for a short moment. Then she realized where I was and looked down on me...

'Yes...?'

'You don't have to stay up for me, dushi... Just close your eyes and try to get some sleep, okay...? I'll go outside for a smoke...'

'Alright...'

I got out of her bed and got hold of my thongs to put them on. And even though Nikki has seen me naked countless of times, she always stares at my body... Nikki tells me that she really loves my figure and she always touches my belly to feel the muscles... She's amazed that I don't have an ounce of fat... Everything is just nice and tight... And I do mean everything... Hihi... Still, despite all the training and working out, I still look quite feminine... If I'm not flexing my muscles, that is... I'm not that strong but I can do thirty chin ups while I weigh seventy nine kilograms... That may seem a lot but then again, you don't know how tall I am. I'm one meter and seventy three centimetres tall when I'm not standing on my toes, which is like the size of an average guy. And whenever I'm standing on my toes, you can add up another twenty five centimetres to my length. So yeah, I'm pretty tall but then again, I'm a tigress. It's in our blood to be tall... Some felines learned to shift their weight on their ankles so that they may seem plantigrade but it's something you really gotta learn when you're young. I never learned that and besides, it feels rather uncomfortable for me to do so. So I walk around on my toes and always wear high heeled boots or shoes. It gets kinda awkward sometimes because I stand out from most people due to my size and my noticeable colour patterns... I'm even bigger then all of my relatives... What's worse is that I got really big feet... I've got a size fourteen for fucks sake... And that's a woman's size! You know how weird it looks when I place my ankles on the floor? Which... Is another reason why I walk around on my toes... They don't look so big then... Nikki, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be bothered by my big feet... I say feet but that's actually not really a good name for them. Digitigrades are considered paws and plantigrades are considered as feet. Don't ask me why because I didn't make up the rules. I paid attention in biology class once and happened to pick this particular fact up... Still, I don't give a fuck so I call everything "feet".

I pulled my thongs up and wore a t-shirt while Nikki watched me getting dressed. And before I got out of her bedroom, I looked at her and smiled... Her living-room room was right next to her bedroom. And even though Nikki's apartment isn't really that big, it makes me feel at home. She has an open kitchen with a bar like thing with a couple of bar-seats that separates the kitchen from the living-room. Everything looks rather humble... She lives in this apartment for more then eight years now yet she never shopped for new furniture... Nikki doesn't have to because she's very careful with her own stuff. She has a used couch and a comfortable lounge chair in the far corner right next to the window with a small, humble coffee table in front. Nikki does have a not so humble huge thirty two inch HD LED flat screen with an HDMI Blu Ray player and a Bose audio system... Nikki bought all of those things not too long ago and you can guess who could set everything up? Yours truly... Me, encase you haven't guessed it, because I'm technically minded and work in the IT business... Well, she saved a lot of money so that she could buy all of these things because she's a huge movie freak. And well, you guessed it; every Friday night is movie night at our place. It actually got me wondering why the neighbours haven't complained about the sound that Bose system produces... Watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen on that rig and you'll be blown away by the sound... Literally... It's a Michael Bay movie... Lots and lots of explosions occur...

I was looking for my pack of cigarettes which I thought I left on her coffee table. But as expected they weren't there. So I looked around until I finally found out they were in my handbag... But you can't light up a cigarette without a lighter... And of course, that was missing as well... I found it, nevertheless and made my way to the balcony. And encase your wondering; Nikki doesn't like it when I smoke inside... I can totally relate to that and I respect that so I go outside on her balcony whenever I want to smoke. Now I know that smoking is really bad for you and it'll get you killed but so does jumping in front of a moving bus. Seriously, if there's one thing I hate the most, is whenever people tell me what's best for me, smoking in particular. Can't I just enjoy my cigarette without someone bitching my ears off on how bad it is for me? I smoke because I like it on contrary believe. Too bad it's bad for you. But like I said, I work in the IT business and there are two things you need the most when you work in that line of business. Plenty of coffee and cigarettes... And I bet you probably go like "Oh my god, a girl in the IT business? You really must be a nerd!" Let me get two things straight first before I continue my story, okay? First off, girls' working in the IT business isn't that much of a big deal anymore. This isn't the fucking sixties anymore... There are a lot of things girls can do just like any other guy and sometimes, we do it even better. Second, that whole nerd thing is just a fucking stereotype. I'm far from being a nerd and I just share a passion for IT technology. Fact is, you'll be studying for as long as you're in the business because there will always be new technology available. And if you think studying is nerdy, I'll be waving my big fat pay-check and laugh at your pathetic income. If you disagree with everything I've said, try explaining me how DHCP works without using Wikipedia. And if you do know the answer to that, you can suck a big floppy donkey cock for being a smart ass. To be short, I seriously hate those stereotypes and I sure as hell hate it whenever someone calls me a nerd because of it. So don't call me a nerd, m'kay? 'Kay. I just had to say it... Don't hate me because of it...

So after I found my lighter, I walked towards her balcony door and opened the it... A soft cold breeze welcomed me and I took a deep breathe once I got outside on the balcony... It was still raining but that wasn't bothering me... There's another balcony above this one so I stayed nice and dry... It wasn't windy so I didn't get wet or had trouble to light my cigarette. It was just another beautiful night in Ravello... Nikki lived not too far from downtown Ravello... The streets were empty and deserted when I looked around... Every now and then, a car passes by but that's pretty much it. No one wants to be outside on nights like these, except for me... I lit up my cigarette and watched how the dark grey clouds were slowly moving by in the night sky... I took a puff and kept staring at the scenery in an attempt to clear my mind... I'm having these sleepless nights for as long as I can remember but I just don't know why. I always tell everyone that I'm not afraid of anything... But... Truth is... I'm scared shitless sometimes... I'm afraid for stupid things and if you heard it, you'd probably laugh at me. But... The thing is... I'm afraid to fall asleep sometimes... I see and hear things whenever I close my eyes, as if it's some kind of a hidden world that has been pulled over my eyes to blind me from reality... As if it wants me to loose a grip on reality and I don't know the difference between what's real and not...

So many memories sped by when I made my way to the balcony... The bathroom, where I first kissed her... The couch, where she made me experience my first orgasm in a loooong, long time... Her bed, of course... Her bathroom... We had sex in every corner of her apartment... And I even got this fantasy that we make love at the beach at sunrise... That would be so awesome but uh... Well... Beaches are filled with sand as you might know and sand tends to get stuck in places where you don't want to. Having sand in your butt-crack while having sex doesn't sound like a pleasant experience... But still, I can't complain... There were of course times when things didn't went so great but it was so worth it when we catch up... I can only imagine how the next time would be, even better than the last time... we haven't had sex in well over a week, which is very long by our standards... Hihi... Fingering her earlier that night doesn't really count...

The night felt more cold and lonesome the longer I stayed outside... Millions of people are asleep at that very moment while I couldn't... These sleepless nights were wearing me out both psychically and mentally... On some nights, it drove me insane that I just cried my eyes out for not catching any sleep... But I'd fall asleep eventually from exhaustion... I'd be sleeping for months if that was possible... I feel so exhausted and I just feel that I can't go on anymore... But somehow, I always find the strength to carry on... I promised myself that I would live my life with the dignity my father and mother have taught me, no matter how difficult things may be... I was very young when I promised myself that... It's because of my parents... I could only wish that they could see how I grew up, respecting and honouring them so that they may live on through me... Here, in my head... I think I made that choice a long time ago, when I was very young... I saw my parents at the shrine of our ancestors when I was young... Praying... Asking for guidance when the war was coming closer... And on one particular night, I could hear my father walking outside the door... When I followed him, I noticed he was kneeled before the shrine of our ancestors... I remember that all too well... The shrine was very impressive to see... Pictures of deceased relatives were engraved in a stone and it held several candles, with symbols around it that I couldn't make much sense of it... I was too young to understand it... I stayed my distance and even though he was talking very quietly, I could still hear him... He touched the symbols and held his hand on his heart... After that, he lit up a candle and bowed down in respect while he whispered very quietly...

"<Ancestors, I ask you for your guidance... Blessed mother, come to me with the gods' desire for our future... Blessed father, watch over my wife and children with a ready sword... I live only to hold them, for all else is dust and air... Ancestors, I honor you and will try to live with the dignity that you have taught me... I ask that you watch over us and to keep of us safe of whatever may lie ahead of us...>"

He let out a deep sigh but he didn't notice me when I slowly started to approach him. He look up all of a sudden and just stared at me while I still walked slowly towards him... My father reached his hands out to me and I placed mine in his... His hands slowly made their way to my cheeks while I got down to cuddle him... He gently kissed my forehead and caressed my hair slowly...

'Bachtahu fe rima, mi dushi...' he whispered quietly...

"Dushi..." Heh... It's just a word, really but... I value so much to its meaning... My parents always called me that because of my big cyan colored eyes... It means something along the lines of "Beautiful"... And one day, I called Nikki "mi dushi"... Ever since then, dushi became her nickname...

But the day that I lost them felt as if a part of me died... Up to this day, I still don't know what it did to me when I found my mother in that camp... And even though it's been so many years ago, I can remember it all too well... That's pretty much the only thing I remember about her... I can't remember her voice... I can't remember what her favourite colour was... All I remember is that she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen... I only have a picture of her and my father... Nikki once told me that I look a lot like my mother by looking at her photo... And I'm glad that I do... By having a striking resemblance, it feels as if I'm staring at my mother whenever I look in the mirror... But I don't have any pictures of my little brother Sanjay... I can only imagine how he would look like today...

I stayed outside long after I flicked my cigarette away in the cold night. Even though it was cold, I stayed outside while my mind drifted away... So many things were going through my mind that night... And maybe that's my problem... Maybe I just think too much about things, you know... Too much about how things could've been if I made different choices. Then again, if I did, things wouldn't be the same... I wouldn't have the things that I have now. Shit just doesn't happen to people. It takes a reason for shit to happen... And like I said, it'd better be a damn good reason for it to happen. Was it worth it in the end...? When I look back at my life, I'd say that it wasn't... But when I look at the things I have now, then yes, it is...

I felt my nipples were like fucking toothpicks the longer I stayed outside... I already flicked my cigarette away long ago and when I got back, I noticed it was five minutes passed four in the morning... Time must really hate me... I went to the bathroom after that and quickly used the showerhead to wash my feet, because standing outside on a concrete floor on your bare feet makes them dirty... And well, after I dried my feet, I got back to Nikki's bedroom... She was already asleep... She held on a pillow and was curled up like a ball on her bed... I carefully let myself in bed and gave a gentle kiss on her forehead... She opened her eyes for a short moment and placed her head on my chest... Nikki smiled weakly as she clenched her arm around my stomach... And I watched how she fell asleep peacefully... Just like that... So I turned the bed light off as I held her... Staring in blank space against the ceiling, waiting for my moment of serene peace...

I wish I could've met Nikki the day that I lost Sarah. Sometimes I think that so much anger and sorrow could've been spared if only I met her sooner. I think my life would've been much enjoyable back in those days. I changed so much in my life that I often wondered who I really was. I went from an hyperactive annoying brat to an overconfident bitch to an emo and whatever the hell that was in between it. But back when I was a teen, I often wondered who I really was. Why life was taking such a big shit on me. But luckily, there were people who were there for me when I needed them the most when I least expected it. They helped me getting back up on my feet and kicked ass whenever it was necessary. Sometimes literally... But uh... It wasn't until I was twenty years old when I met Nikki... I was sixteen years old at the time... So what exactly happened in those four years before I met Nikki? Well, a lot to say the least. I had a lot of friends but in the end, there were only two who sticked with me when I needed them the most. And like I said, I wasn't expecting them to be there for me... Up to this day, they are still my best friends... And I'm forever grateful to them... They managed to pull me back together and made me enjoy life again... And it all led to Nikki in the end... Nikki's the reason why I changed into the person I am today. But those two just gave me a nudge in the right direction. And sometimes, that's all it takes... Just a nudge in the right direction...