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Waking up felt like stepping into another world.

I'd fallen asleep happy.

I'd dreamed happy thoughts.

And when my eyes flicked open, it all scattered.

Panic caught in my head. I yanked my pants back over my hips, wide-eyed as I glanced about the open field we'd slept in. Mortified someone might've seen us.

But it was early morning and there was nobody around.

Leon jolted awake. He stared at me, his mouth open like he was about to speak. He got up, all tense and uneasy.

Embarrassment kindled a fire within me. Had we really done that?

Faintly, I could still taste his dick in my mouth. I quaked, feeling a bit sick.

I passed him his shirt as he hiked his pants back up.

"Um," he said. A strange look on his face.

There was a lump in my throat. "Yeah."

"Like..." He couldn't look me in the eye.

I couldn't either. "Mhm."

He pulled his shirt back on.

I was in shock. Reeling. I didn't expect to feel like this, not at all. Not after how happy last night had made me. If this was one sided, it would make sense to me. But even I felt that uncertainty, a hint of disgust at myself.

What was I thinking?

I hadn't thought. Neither of us had. We acted fast on emotions neither of us were well versed in.

"Sorry." He hung his head, holding his arm.

"No it's..." I bit my tongue and smoothed out my clothes.

"I should um, get home." He turned.

"Leon." So many words tangled in my throat. Shame, hurt, embarrassment and more. I needed him to know how I felt, because among all those sensitive thoughts there was something kinder. Something appreciative. A memory of the warmth from last night. And I wished I could hold onto it, but it ran like water through my fingers.

He started walking.

I didn't stop him.

I stood there, watching him cross the field to where his home was in a nearby street.

I shook.

Guilt burned my throat.

Why? How did this happen so fast?

I turned for home, feeling nauseous. How quickly everything had come undone. How friendships I'd had for my entire life suddenly fell to tatters. How life had gone from as clear as mud to a greasy, senseless sludge.

My parents were still asleep as I let myself in, rinsed my mouth out and crept to my room.

Walt's final gift to me lay on my bed, the framed photo of the three of us smiling like idiots.

There were tears in my eyes now that nobody else could see them. Grief took my breath from me.

Sometimes I went somewhere to be alone.

Away from everything that troubled me.

Usually it was my room, but even that was full of memories that only agitated my malaise.

I hurried downstairs to my basement. A space that was mostly my dad's cave, with a bar and a pool table. His accolades filled the walls.

It was a space I hardly used.

A space so detached from what I was yet still filled with some part of me.

I took a seat on the modular sofa that surrounded an older entertainment system and tucked my knees to my chest, staring at the empty screen.

My head hurt.

I started breathing heavier and heavier.

Panic ate away at me.

Last night was my first time with anyone.

I didn't think it would be like this.

Didn't think it'd be with Leon.

Didn't think... at all.

My heart raced as I thought back to those moments of contact. Rubbing Leon's back. How that lit up my thoughts. I blushed over the sensation of his arousal which sent a memory hurtling back.

It wasn't the first time we'd been mutually aroused.

Once when we were all 13, Leon and Walt slept over.

We went through my dad's stuff while my parents weren't home.

Walt found a tape and we watched it on the same screen I stared at now.

My cheeks burned at the memory.

It was porn. Two burly wolves playing with this smaller tigress. Their big hands toyed with her breasts. Their fat, juicy cocks in her face as she licked at them. I was so mesmerized, one of the wolves had to be at least eleven inches. It made my breath tight, all fluttery and excited.

I remembered thinking we shouldn't be watching it.

But the three of us were stunned as we stared in awe.

We watched a few minutes, our hearts pounding in our chests.

Once the foreplay was over the wolves started spitroasting the tiger. The bigger one crammed his thick cock into her pussy. It was shocked it even fit. The other humped her face without abandon. To this day, massive cocks were my biggest turn on and I was certain that video was why.

I got up to turn it off. The tigress's loud moans were too much for my senses.

I know for a fact both Walt and Leon saw the tenting in my pants.

And I know I saw theirs too.

It was the first time I'd come across anything sexual.

We never spoke about it directly, only reminisced on it in vague references to 'that one time' or 'the video' or some other euphemistic mention of our first experience watching porn.

It was a formative experience for me, soon after I started looking up porn and jerking off. I started to make sense of my sexuality. Something which at first I thought I'd be ashamed of for the rest of my life.

And then when he turned 15 Leon told us he was gay.

And Walt, all shocked and supportive said he was bi.

And they looked at me.

And I shrugged and mentioned I was probably gay.

And that moment was, I think, the first time I understood just how much my friends meant to me.

That nobody else could ever understand me as much as them. That I appreciated our platonic bonds more than anything.

Tears spilled from my eyes.

I started sobbing.

There was nothing I wouldn't give to go back to that moment.

How precious it was to me, how much it mattered.

How different it was to what I now felt.

That safety, that love, that respect for each other.

I fell on my side, wrapped in a ball as tears streamed down my cheeks.

In time, my parents roused. My father called out to my mother, asking if she knew where I was. I tracked his footsteps around the house as he checked my room, then went to check his phone to see if I'd messaged him as I usually did if I wasn't coming home.

Then he came down the stairs behind me.

I tensed and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Hey." My father's voice was soft. His hand fell to my shoulder. "You okay?" He wasn't melanistic with a dark coat like me and my mother, his yellowy-orange fur interspersed with jaguar spots.

I sniffed. "No."

He sighed and took a seat beside me. "I know it must be hard," he said.

I exhaled sullenly, unsure if I needed his sympathy or not. I was 18, old enough to not need him for everything.

And yet, his support was what I needed now.

"Walt's not dead though, you know?" He smirked at me. "He's moving a few hours away, you'll still be able to see him from time to time. But it won't be easy to adjust." He rubbed my shoulder. "And Leon's still here for you and..."

He trailed off as I tightened my grip on my knees. All that shame bit back twice as hard.

Was Leon still here for me? Or had we just ruined that.

"Did something happen, Will?"

"Just sad," I mumbled. "It's not the same without him."

"Sure." He nodded. "And that'll take time to get over. Maybe you'll find more friends though, maybe you'll have more to do with Leon. I dunno. This is life though and I'm proud of you." He ruffled my ears. "You're a good kid, and you'll work it out."

"Thanks." I drew in a long, shaky breath. He left his hand on my head a moment longer. I always felt so different to him, with the difference in our fur. With our interests so far apart. With him being my father.

But there were moments like this where he'd tell me things I needed to hear.

And maybe I was desperate for change.

Maybe I just wanted validation for something, for anything.

I sat up, still awash with uncertainty. Everything I was spun out around me. I just wanted something to hold steady.

After last night, there was part of me that I had to know wasn't broken. Nerves filled me to bursting, but there was a need within me, one I'd wanted satisfied for so long.

I was in a dangerous mood, where taking risks felt necessary.

So I took the plunge.

"Dad."

"Mmm?"

"Something did happen with Leon last night."

"Oh?"

I was so nervous. This wasn't something I ever imagined sharing with him. But he'd always told me I could tell him anything. And there was no other way I felt I could make the reason for my mood clear. "Um." I froze.

"You can tell me." He spoke warmly with a touch of curiosity.

"We did stuff," I squeaked.

"Stuff?" He tilted his head, not understanding. "Like, what? Drugs or something bad or what?"

I opened my mouth but I couldn't voice it.

"I'm not going to be mad." He shrugged. "You can break a window, do some pot or whatever. I'd rather know than not."

Wincing, I scraped the words off of my tongue. Embarrassed to my core. "Sex stuff."

"Oh." His head twitched. "Oh," he said again. "I see. Right." I couldn't read his face. "I know Leon's... are you...?"

"Gay?"

He nodded.

"Yeah."

He nodded again. "Cool." He sounded neutral.

I breathed a sigh of relief, surprised by just how tense I'd become.

"Um, first time?" he asked, he sounded embarrassed.

"Yeah."

"Ok. Um, are things alright?"

"I don't know I-"

"He didn't hurt you or anything?"

"What? No." I leant back, surprised by just how much force he'd put in his voice. He relaxed. "It's just... awkward. And I don't know what to say to him. I feel bad."

"Yeah." He rubbed at his chin. "I'm sorry," he said. "I don't really know what to say either. He's been your friend for so long I don't think something like that could really get in the way and I'm sure it'll be okay."

"You think?" I met his eyes, it warmed my chest having something certain to stare into.

"Yeah." He ruffled my ears again. "These things happen sometimes. And so long as you're mature about it, I'm sure it'll work out."

"Mhm." I cut my gaze to the floor. I wasn't sure how to be mature about it at all.

"Will," he said. "You know I'm proud of you, no matter who you are okay?"

I shook, smiling. Relief cascaded through my body. "Thanks."

He leant over and hugged me briefly. "Would you like me to tell your mother or should I leave that to you? It's not going to bother her either."

"I don't mind." I grimaced. "Just the gay thing right? Not what happened with Leon."

"Of course." He took a deep breath. "It's funny. I've always been ready for something like this, never really cared so long as you were happy and respecting yourself. But I'm all nervy." He laughed. "Feels like it was this big deal."

I laughed, so suddenly distracted from the mess I'd made. Appreciation kept me stable. "Sort of. I've been dreading this for so long."

"Pff." He snorted. "Like I'd degrade my own son. Wait." He whipped his chin up to stare me in the eyes. "Are you still my son? Like, anything else I should know or?"

Embarrassment pulled a rough smile out of me. "Still your son."

"Cool." He leant over and kissed me on the forehead. "If anything changes, you can let me know. And I really do hope things with Leon are okay, and you can talk to me about it any time. But for now, I want waffles and I'm sure you do too."

He stared at me, a simple smile on his lips. There were times he'd treat me like a child, only it was never out of negativity. He'd always trusted my maturity, always been a firm guide if I needed one. So when he looked at me, eyes brimming with something playful it only ever brought the best out of me.

A source of kindness and affection I always could trust.

I nodded, tears back in my eyes.

I had a bad habit of presuming the worst.

And it was very likely I'd done that with Leon too.

Still, it was a difficult problem and I wasn't going to try rush to solve it.

Not when there were waffles to be eaten.

Later that day, my mother ambushed me with a hug and a dozen kisses. She didn't say why, just left it at "Because I love you," but it had meant she'd spoken to my father.

And there was no comfort greater than that of knowing I was accepted.

That night I hung up Walt's gift on my wall, feeling both happy and afraid.

I lay down in my bed, phone in my hands.

I sent Leon a message. It felt like the hardest thing I'd ever done.

_Hey.

I wanted to tell you I came out to my parents today and they're really cool about it. Things aren't too weird between us for me to tell you that, right?_

He shot back immediately.

!! LET'S GO!!!!! THAT'S SO GOOD

But he was typing another message, one which took him a really long time. I lay there, clutching my phone and waited for it.

I don't want things to be weird between us but it feels like they are. Sorry. I don't know what to do about it. We shouldn't have done that.

I sighed.

Maybe.

I stared at my screen, heart aching. I had to let him know that it wasn't all bad.

It was fun though, in the moment

Yeah

He replied.

I had no response, wasn't sure what to do or say. And I was tired, too tired to think of anything.

Good night

I sent back, though it seemed so awkward I needed to show him I wasn't afraid of being normal

Night Will.

After a day riding a wave of emotions, I came back to rest by next morning. I still felt awkward about Leon, but that was all. Even the happiness of acceptance didn't linger.

And I wasn't sure how to feel about that.

My mood for the day was a perpetual frown. Not displeasure, just frowning. Things always seemed so close to making sense to me, and then I'd fall back into this state of apathy.

I was terribly bored throughout the day. I texted Walt a lot, though it only made me less enthusiastic to do anything. In the back of my mind there was this thought that I could go see him. That I could step out my front door, walk for a few minutes and give him a smile.

But I couldn't.

It left me in a very particular state of wanting that nobody could satisfy. Not even Leon. I was looking for an escape, something to set my mind and heart at ease.

Because my idle thoughts made me queasy.

They made me horny too, in brief moments I could reflect on what Leon and I had done. But it couldn't last, not with the aftermath I was stuck with.

I went to bed that night not knowing what I should be doing. That my life felt adrift in a way I'd never known before. I was existing without purpose, without people to spend my time with.

And that continued for almost a week, the days bled together. My apathy had never felt more like a sickness.

Six days since Leon and I had awoken in a field, half naked in each others arms and all I could remember was an indistinguishable smear of time. It could've been an hour since I came out to my father. It could've been months. Years.

Nothing else felt like it mattered for that time. I could wake up tomorrow twice my age and so long as this mood continued, I'd have felt like nothing had happened.

And it was approaching midnight on that sixth night when I got a text from Leon.

Can I come over?

Like I'd plunged into a lake of ice, I woke up to myself.

My heart raced. Panic spiraled into longing and made itself merry.

Yeah

I was too much of a coward to ask why. Words layered themselves on my tongue. So many things to say. So many.

And though it hardly took minutes for Leon to walk to my house, that wait was agony.

I let him in without my parents noticing. We crept silently up to my room.

And there, alone and in private I was beset by anxiety.

"We should talk about it," Leon said, staring at Walt's gift on my wall. "Hate feeling this way."

"Mmm." I nodded.

"Do you think it was a mistake? Is it something we can make peace with?" He frowned.

And that pained me.

Because as I gathered my thoughts, all I was certain of was that it was actually pretty good. What followed was miserable, but not that moment.

"I think..." I started, tongue heavy in my mouth. I wasn't sure what to tell him. I knew what I had to say but that veil within me strangled the words.

I felt the moment, a rare shot in time where I could express myself as I needed to. Something I was so used to discarding.

Even when it was as important as the last moments with Walt.

Didn't want to resent myself over missing again.

I rallied against myself so desperately. I wasn't going to let this pass. Wasn't going to let myself keep being like this. Anger sparked within me and gave way to passion that beat back the tide of apathy that filled me.

Very carefully, with words so unlike any I'd ever said before, I started. "Leon, that night is the first time I've felt anything in so long. I've never been holding myself together at all, I just don't know how to show anything. I feel so numb, always, but that night..." I trailed off.

He stared at me and at first it was unnerving, but something in his eyes softened.

He put a paw on my shoulder as he came to sit beside me on my bed.

I was so taut with nerves I could've snapped.

"I see." He took a deep breath. His head dropped to my shoulder.

I was shaking, heart pounding in my chest. I expected an outburst from him, happy or upset or something. Not this.

He wrapped his arms around my torso. I couldn't tell if that boded well or not. "Will, I've been... so ashamed it's... I don't know, I hate myself for what happened. I- we both, you know. So quickly and-"

"Leon." I put my hand on his back, my stomach in a knot. But the gates were open. I could speak my mind, especially to him. "Don't be ashamed. It was good. And I hope you liked it as much as I did." I took a deep breath. "Because it'd be fun to do it again."

Those were words I wish I could take back the moment they left my mouth.

Now wasn't the time to try for that.

Leon took in a deep breath. "Do you remember when Walt and I were kinda dating?"

"Yeah." It had happened when we were 16, they started seeing each other more without me. I didn't mind, I thought it was kind of cute but it came to an end two weeks later and things slowly drifted back to normal.

"We stopped because of this." He dry swallowed and lifted his head. "I wanted to do things and he didn't."

"Ah." I put an arm around his back. I never tried to pry.

"We dealt with that privately, didn't want you to know it was messy. But then you and I already went further in one night without meaning to." His voice went quiet. He lurched forward as he lay down on my bed, his head in my lap. He stared up at me. I stroked his mane, my heart jittered like a hummingbird.

"It was good though." Instinct demanded I lean over and kiss him. But still I couldn't. I didn't want to add to his shame. Didn't want him to feel like we were being too impulsive or making dumb mistakes.

I glanced to my side, his body lay so close. I put a quaking hand on his belly. It felt appropriate.

Leon took another long breath. I expected him to say something. He didn't.

I wasn't sure what to do.

So we sat there like that, awkwardly trying not to avoid eye contact.

But I did have eyes for him, as I always had. I knew he was attractive, that I liked thinking about him. I just blinded myself to it because he was my best friend and something about it felt wrong.

And I believed that until that night.

His brown eyes were usually so calming, so full of intelligence. He was caring, he was gentle, he'd always been so emotionally available while I couldn't be. Yet on the night Walt left, he called me calming. Like we were two sides of the same coin.

I loved the way his scrappy mane spilled out across my lap.

I loved the weight of his head on my thighs.

I loved the way he deepened my breath.

And I loved the way he aroused me without trying. I tried to control myself, this mightn't be the time for that. But he was making me hard.

Then he turned his head towards me.

He kissed my belly.

I put my hands behind me, leaning back a little. My chest tightened, butterflies made me tingly.

Every fiber of my being wanted to unzip my fly.

To rest my cock on his muzzle.

I needed to see it.

But all I could do was breathe harder and harder as he licked my chest. A whimper escaped me. He raised a paw to my waistband and unclasped my pants. I gasped as he lifted his head, the pressure on my throbbing erection gone. He pulled my pants down a bit as he stared me in the eyes.

I leant in and kissed him.

He grabbed my bulge.

Anticipation forced a moan from me.

He broke the kiss to expose my cock. He pressed his lips against the tip, still staring at me. I exhaled, shaking, already gritting my teeth at the warm sensations welling within me.

As he took me into his mouth, I flopped backwards against my bed, staring at the ceiling. Body heaving as he blew me for a second time.

The pleasure shook me, made me eager to give back to him. He ran his tongue up the length of my shaft, his coarse bristles made me shudder, made me weak.

The thought struck hard and fast. I was acting on it before I even considered how best to do it.

I threw myself at his crotch, curling to disrupt him as little as possible. He glanced up at me as I yanked his pants down.

His cock struck my nose as it bounced out of his underwear. I stared at it, salivating. The other night I hadn't seen much of it, but there in all its glory I wanted it more than ever before.

My head ached, hardly abated by the waves of pleasure he coerced out of me.

His cock was seven inches, both bigger and wider than mine. Veiny, already slick with pre. I shoved myself down on him so hard I gagged and recoiled.

He jolted, moaning. Breaking his pace to stare at me with wild eyes.

But I wouldn't be deterred. Fervent thoughts blazed through my mind as I took him in my mouth, suckling his head.

He moaned once more, which faded to a muffle as he buried his snout between my thighs. We were wrapped in a cycle of pleasure as we blew each other.

All of my thirst for him manifested as rough bobs over his cock. I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew it felt good for him and that's all that mattered to me. He kept moaning, his voice growing louder the more I rubbed my tongue against him.

His moans felt good too, he kept moving around my dick. His lips tight around the base of my shaft, only breaking contact when he stretched his jaws to moan even louder.

My entire body gave into the pleasure, my hips thrusting out of time with the staggered motions I made with my head. My eyes scrunched shut, I grabbed a handful of his shirt and gasped. It was all too much for me. So unused to these feelings, this warmth.

I lifted my head, face twisted as I grunted. My cock jerked.

A flash of pleasure made me fall forward, bracing against Leon's body as I came.

He rose up off of me, lapping at my head as spurt after spurt of my cum jetted from it. I stared at Leon, dazed as he started licking my spunk off of his muzzle.

It was filthy, never in my wildest dreams could I have seen something like that.

Never would have wanted to.

But here in the moment, it only added fuel to the fire in my head. That this was something we were doing now, for a second time even.

That I'd tasted his cum too.

And soon I'd taste more.

I pushed my snout back between his thighs, mouth wide as I went down on him again. He shuddered, one hand on his chest as he sat up. His other hand landed on the back of my head, pushing me down even harder against him. I rubbed my nose in his pubes, wishing there was even more of him to take. I teased his shaft with my tongue before rising up, trying to suck him as I went. He moaned and gasped then pushed me down again.

He set a pace I was happy to follow. Every sound he made, every twitch he gave, every new drop of precum I tasted, all of it lit as desire in my chest.

He was my best friend and I wanted nothing more than to get him off.

The thought burned in my head. Perverted in ways I so rarely thought.

I embraced it fully. This was what my body wanted more than anything else.

He lasted longer than me. When he came, he jerked backwards out of my mouth. I licked at his head as a jet of cum splattered against the dark fur of my muzzle.

Last time, I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. It was salty with a strange consistency, but seeing the fire in his eyes as I licked it out of my fur settled it for me.

I did like it, a lot.

And I absolutely adored doing this sort of thing with him.

He leant back against my pillows, I dropped into place beside him and wrapped him in an embrace.

As my panting ceased, I stilled. I held Leon tight in my arms, my face buried in his mane. He kept breathing coarse a moment longer. He smelled nice, faintly of something fruity tempered by a hint of his sweat. I grabbed fistfuls of his mane and nuzzled him.

Nothing else felt more right.

"That was good right?" I asked.

"Yeah." He rubbed his paws down my back. "No shame tomorrow."

"Agreed."

He drew in a long breath. "Thanks."

"For what?"

"Keeping it together, again." He exhaled slowly. "Keeps me steady. Helps me think right."

A massive smile cracked my face. Happiness brightened my belly. "Really glad I can do that." And unlike the night Walt left, there wasn't any shame over that sentiment. My steadiness wasn't a side effect of my apathy. It was real.

I had to hold myself back from shaking. Giddiness made my jaw ache from how tight my smile became.

Relief eclipsed the warmth of my afterglow.

Slowly, we came at ease. Normalcy crept back upon us, so much nicer than the shame and guilt.

I got up to put pyjamas on. Leon tugged up his pants.

We slept side by side, closer than we usually would but not too close. It was a respectful distance that felt comfortable.

I stared at my ceiling as I drifted off, where dozens of plastic stars had been stuck for over a decade. The kind that fluoresced at night, only they had long since lost their glow. Now they held the faintest touch of green light, muted and distanced. Hardly enough to pick them out in the dark.

I'd always loved them. As a kid, I was fascinated by the wonder they instilled within me. And then again as a moody teenager for their dimness that felt crushingly real, as I aged into a world that became less and less vibrant.

Only now that felt wrong. Misaligned with all the energy within me.

And that was so soothing to realize.

Once more I was happy, only I wanted it to last.

Come morning, I'd be ready. But it'd be different this time.

It had to be.