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The news didn't strike me as hard as I thought it would.

Walt was moving upstate.

We'd only found out for sure yesterday, though we knew it was coming. That his father had lost his job a few months ago and something had to change for them eventually.

But they'd found a place out of town and things were in motion.

I was dazed.

Walt was one of my two best friends. He was a wolf, just turned 18 a few months ago. As had I, and our other best friend, Leon. The three of us were inseparable since we were 5 years old.

Only now we would be separated.

And I wasn't sure what to feel.

I was startled but I wasn't sad like I thought I should be, I wasn't sure what to make of it. Like those emotions couldn't grow into anything more certain and rather than be a mess I was hollow.

We'd hardly finished highschool, each of us still working out what our next step in life was. I wasn't sure how to factor this into anything. The rut I'd gotten stuck in kept growing deeper and more and more full of uncertainty.

We were given two weeks to say goodbye.

Those days passed in a flurry.

At first nothing changed between the three of us, but Leon was a sensitive lion who wore his heart on his sleeve. He broke into tears while we were making ourselves dinner one night at my place and threw his arms around Walt.

"I'll miss you dude," he mumbled. "It's not going to be the same without you." He shuddered, tucking his muzzle against Walt's neck. The wolf exhaled, sadness in his eyes as they embraced. I watched on, dumbstruck. "Not ready to say goodbye. I'm sorry." Leon sniffed.

Walt sighed, a delicate frown on his face. "Neither."

I hung my head, brow furrowed. I stepped forward and put my arms around them, feeling empty. At times, Leon's emotions were my guide when I couldn't sort mine out.

"I'll miss you too," I said. It didn't feel enough but I didn't know what else to say. Didn't even know what to feel. It was a shame to say goodbye. I didn't want him to leave but it wasn't my place to stop it.

I'd said enough, apparently, because Walt sniffed and tears spilled down his cheeks. "You guys'll still have each other." His voice cracked. "And we'll stay in touch. I'll see you again, I'll come visit, you guys can come stay with me too." Then he whimpered. "You're my friends and I love you so so much."

Leon shuddered, more tears in his eyes. "Love you too," he said.

"Mhmm." I couldn't speak the words that were on my tongue. My throat ached. My eyes stung. But tears were beyond me.

Everything was a confusing tangle. I didn't know how to say the things I had to say.

But they never minded that. I was quiet, a black jaguar who was easy going and never felt like I had to say much. They understood, I knew they did.

I still wish I could just say it.

I purred as I nuzzled Walt's cheek. It had to do.

I let the moment pass.

We watched a movie and they stayed the night.

I was in a funk the entire time. Never before had I felt so misaligned within myself. Everything about this was important, all of it. All these moments with a friend I'd hardly get to see again.

But I just felt ambivalent.

It wasn't like I didn't care either, far from it. I was numb and I hated it.

They left the following afternoon. I curled up in my bed, begging myself to cry. Trying to force it out of me, but it only made me feel worse.

And that's just how it was until the final day was upon us.

There was something in the air, a sense of wrongness out of reach. Something almost twisted, too difficult to consider.

It was all I could breathe, the sensation filled me.

Walt showed up at my place early in the afternoon with a gift.

A framed image of the three of us grinning wildly by a waterhole. We were 16 at the time. And again there was scratching in my throat.

And again I couldn't bring myself to tears.

I sat on my bed, glumly staring at the photo, realizing we'd probably never do something like that again.

Grief filled me, all black and glassy. It froze my tongue. Walt put his arms around me.

"I'll miss you so much," he said, already sniffling.

I hugged him back. "Me too." To my own ears, my words sounded fake. Sounded empty. Like I wasn't trying. Only the thought of misspeaking now terrified me. The fear that if I forced words I'd just sound awkward and wrong. That I'd ruin what was likely the last moment I'd get with him alone for a long time.

I squeezed him. "I'm sorry."

He clapped my back. "Don't be, not your fault."

I couldn't even articulate why I felt the need to apologize for myself. So I left it. Eventually he released me. I stared back at the photo, the words on my tongue felt robotic and insincere. "Thank you," I said. "I'll put it up later, somewhere I'll always see it."

It was precious beyond meaning to me that he'd gone out of his way to get me such a gift.

And I had nothing for him, not even sweet words like Leon could share.

Guilt and grief paired off in my head. I wasn't sure who I was, didn't know how to speak myself, how to be understood.

But he looked at ease, just thankful we had this moment. Glad to share his gift, glad for me to accept it.

Words garbled in my throat. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me. That it was love, but not like, romantic love. Platonic. But he was special. And we had all these memories, and they were important too. And the notion of expressing those feelings spun out in a vortex of justifications I couldn't reach. Didn't want to be misunderstood, didn't want to say the wrong thing or come off the wrong way.

Just wanted my friend to know I loved him. That I'd miss him like I'd miss a part of me.

Only I couldn't say it.

And again the moment passed in silence.

Our neighborhood had planned a farewell party. We were a small rural community and losing a family was significant for all of us. We headed down to the party, which spilled out across the street outside Walt's house. Leon was already there, the three of us took our fill of chips and soft drink and cake.

We joined party games, we laughed and made good of what little time we had left.

So suddenly it was dark.

The party had wound down. Walt's parents wanted him home soon, they were leaving before dawn in the morning.

Ice burned in my throat, my tongue frozen to my jaw.

The three of us sat in a field, a short jaunt away from the street. Where it was quiet. Where the three of us could be alone, watched only by the glistening stars above.

And for all our merriment from hours before, we were now quiet.

We'd been here a while, hardly talking. Only glancing between ourselves, then back at the stars. A fuse was lit, a timer on this last final moment. Walt was holding off as long as he could, though he was exhausted. His eyes hooded, his posture hunched.

I was fearful.

Didn't want this to end. Couldn't fathom what might follow.

Then Walt took a deep breath. He yawned. "I think it's time," he said.

Leon shuddered, nodding. We all stood, each of us shaking and uneasy.

We wrapped each other in a hug, the three of us huddled tight. Walt whimpered, he started crying. Leon sniffed back tears.

And I stood among them like a sack of meat.

Grief knotted my chest and tore me up inside. But I felt no closer to showing it.

This really was it.

"We'll see each other again." Walt's voice cracked as he spoke.

"We will." Leon's voice was husky, he was breathing hard.

"I'll miss you," I whispered, like we hadn't already shared the sentiment a hundred times. I didn't know what else to say. What else to add.

Walt stepped back. He scrubbed at the tears on his face, his mouth twisted, brow creased, nostrils flared. I'd never seen him so distressed. "Bye."

Leon's composure cracked. Tears spilled down his cheeks. "Bye," he echoed.

"See you," I said. It didn't fit the moment, didn't feel right at all.

And as Walt walked into the night, that's all I could think of. How my choice of farewell was off. I watched his silhouette fade into the darkness. And that was it.

Leon put his head in his hands and sobbed.

I wanted to do something. Wanted to say something, to free these thoughts from my head. To let him know I grieved just as much as he did.

But all I was was silent.

And it didn't feel right.

I put my arm around Leon and held him, unsure how to feel. My best friend sobbed in my arms. My other best friend was gone. And I was numb.

Couldn't even focus on the moment.

Some song kept bouncing off the walls of my head. I stroked my fingers through Leon's mane almost mechanically, staring at the stars above, too uncomfortable to watch him cry.

So long as I stayed numb life would keep going on, keep passing me by.

And that felt more pressing of a realization to me right now. That this was significant, so much so that it brought my best friend to tears.

But to me it hardly felt like a blip in time, almost normal somehow.

I couldn't even bring myself to feel guilty about that.

It just... was a thing. Another thing that didn't bring a reaction out of me.

"I'm sorry." Leon sniffled. "It- I- it's... he's always been here." He turned his gaze up towards me, his eyes red-rimmed in the bright moonlight.

"It's okay," I said. I tried to sound caring. It pained me that I wasn't sure if it did. I just sounded... bored. I rubbed his shoulder, hoping it conveyed how I felt well enough. I had to try harder. Had to.

He drew in a long breath and sighed, heavily. "You okay?"

"Yeah, you know me." I hated how that sounded, but what else was I to say?

Leon gave a silent nod, fresh tears on his cheeks.

"Going to miss him," I added.

"Yeah." Leon rubbed a paw across his face, sighing again. "Thanks."

"For what?" I smiled at him.

"Keeping it together." He rubbed his head on my shoulder. "You've always helped calm me."

"Ah." I cut my gaze to the grass, shame nipped at my chest. "Yeah," I said. "I guess. Glad it helps."

Leon brushed more tears off of his face. "Dunno what it'll be like without him." He sniffed and sighed again. "At least we've got each other."

"Yeah." That word felt so hollow. I kept leaning on it but I wanted to say more. "And I'm not going anywhere. Especially not now."

"Especially?" Leon's brown eyes fell upon me once more, he looked as vulnerable as ever.

"Can't leave you by yourself." I wanted to be more cheerful, I hated this melancholy. "Nobody'd stop you crying." It sounded awkward to me.

He shook against me, a smile cracked the uncertainty on his face. "Thanks."

And there, amongst all the nothingness within me, a spark of something warm lit in my chest.

I wasn't sure what would change between us now that Walt was gone, but so long as I could make sure Leon was happy things would be okay.

We lapsed into weary silence for a time, neither of us wanting to move from this spot. To say goodbye to each other, even if only for a few hours, seemed too painful a thought.

"Can we camp out tonight?" Leon asked as he yawned. "Just us and the stars."

"Sure." We'd done this a lot as cubs, it wasn't the most comfortable way to spend a night but it was nice. I yawned too, it was late and without anything else to stop us we lay in the grass.

Above us a brilliant spread of stars twinkled. This late at night, the sky was a deep purple and riddled with constellations. We were so far from the cities and their lights that hardly a star's light went hidden.

I'd always found it beautiful, only now it calmed me too.

A gentle breeze carried soft autumn air over us. The night was warm for this time of year.

Leon put his head on my shoulder, which wasn't what I expected but I didn't mind. He rolled onto me and rubbed his nose against my neck. I squinted, feeling a tad awkward.

"Sorry," he said. "Feeling sad. Is this okay?"

"Yeah. S'cool." I kept staring at the stars and yawned again.

It wasn't the first time Leon and I had slept together - not like... just, near each other. In the same bed or whatever.

But this was the first time he'd slept on me.

And at first it was a little uncomfortable. But he was warm and he was so genuine with how he conveyed his appreciation that it didn't trouble me.

I just didn't know where to put my hands. He had one arm slung across my chest, the other lay limp against my side in imitation of a hug.

It felt wrong to lay with my arms spread away from him. But that didn't leave me with many options.

This physical comfort stuff wasn't something I had much experience with. I was better at receiving hugs than giving them myself. I placed a hand on Leon's back. It didn't feel inappropriate, but it didn't feel like something I'd do. I left it there for a time, my elbow bent at an uncomfortable angle to also be bearing his weight.

My hand drifted a bit lower down, trying to find something more comfortable.

I froze up as I swept over the base of his tail.

My hand flopped inelegantly into the grass, feeling awkward once again.

Leon made a tired sound and shuffled tighter against me.

Staring up at the stars, I wondered if I should call it off while I had the chance. That it'd be uncomfortable outside, my house wasn't far from here. He could sleep over as he often did.

But usually Walt was with us.

And he wouldn't be now.

Wouldn't be ever again.

Leon wanted that distance, something different, something he could reflect on as special. Sentiment carried so much meaning for him.

So it felt wrong to consider ruining that.

I put my hand on his back again, idly stroking his shirt until I found a spot near his tail that felt comfortable enough to leave it there for the night.

His mane spilled across my chest, I raised my other hand to comb my fingers through it.

He purred.

I purred back, thankful for this moment. My eyes still glued to the stars above.

But then he stopped.

He sat up. "Bit hot," he said, and pulled off his shirt. He sounded so tired, so close to sleep. "Don't mind do you?"

"Nah."

He tossed it beside us and lay back down on me. "Thanks," he muttered into my chest.

I put my hands back in place, only now I didn't feel so sure about touching his back directly. He was quite muscular in a way I enjoyed. I'd always known I had eyes for him, only I never really looked at him. It felt wrong to. He was my best friend.

I shivered as his fingers stroked down the far side of my body, stopping at a sensitive spot above my hip. I continued stroking his mane, more awake than I was moments before. His purring deepened.

We stayed like that until gentle snores wove into the delicate rumbling he made.

I relaxed a little, my breathing still tight and uncertain.

I raised my paw up his back, gently running my fingers over his fluffy fur, feeling his lax muscles.

This wasn't even the first time he'd slept near me without a shirt, but it was the first time I'd laid hands on his body like this.

I was surprised to find myself enjoying this more and more by the moment.

I kept stroking down his back in a steady pace, smiling up at the sparkling display of stars above. My grin grew wider every time his breath shifted to my touch.

And then against my hip I felt movement, like something swelling. I lifted my hand, fire in my cheeks as I realized what was happening.

If he was awake, this would probably be pretty awkward.

But nobody could be judged for a sleeping boner.

My cock started to harden too.

I stroked his back once more and smirked at the stars, so thankful for his light snores. Were he awake, I would've been ashamed in some way. But this felt like a private moment, something I could appreciate on my own no matter how dirty it was.

He kissed my shoulder.

I jolted so hard I could've thrown him across the field.

My heart hammered in my chest, he probably felt it too.

He shifted across my body so he lay more on me, his nose pressed against mine.

My thoughts were flames.

I kissed him on the lips.

He kissed back.

I heaved breaths, giddiness trampled through my chest. He rubbed his hips against my crotch, our erections touching through our pants.

I was so unbelievably hard. Couldn't believe this was happening.

He pushed his tongue between my lips. I moaned, surprised.

When my hand reached the end of his back, I let it rest on his ass.

He was so firm.

I could've squealed as I squeezed him.

He tensed in my arms, his breathing grew heavier and heavier. Mine too.

His fingers fell to my fly.

I froze up as he undid it and tugged my pants down.

I winced and gasped as the cool night air touched me.

Nerves rushed to fill me.

Self consciousness almost tore me from the excitement.

I was hardly six inches, as average as they came.

But Leon's head dropped to my lap.

I gasped, entire body tense as his hot breath brushed against me.

A whimper slipped my lips. I was shaking.

His tongue swiped the head of my cock.

Pleasure ripped my breath from me. I moaned, eyes scrunched shut as the most intensely positive sensation I'd ever felt dredged joy through me.

I lifted my head to the stars and almost fell over him as he took my cock in his mouth.

Warmth flared in my chest, it made my legs weak. My fists were clenched. I was heaving breaths and shaking, moaning out loud as he suckled me. His mane brushed against my thighs as his nose pressed into my crotch.

He had all of me in his muzzle. I grabbed one of his ears, my eyes screwed shut as I tried to savor the wild feelings that coursed through me. All that apathy within me was dwarfed by the pleasure of the moment, it was too much to contain.

My breath ran ragged. I was sweating. It was beyond what I could handle. Surreal, almost dreamlike. Closer to fantasy that reality.

I stared at the sky.

My eyes watered with blurry starlight as an orgasm rocked me. I bucked my hips wildly, moaning as pleasure pounded through my body in intense waves. I winced and gasped until all I could do was pant and bask in the warmth radiating from my hips. He kept sucking on me, his coarse tongue sending jolts of electricity through me.

He rose to kiss me on the lips.

I could've nutted again from the taste of my seed in his mouth. I purred as I ran my tongue against his.

It was the first time I'd ever had sexual contact with someone else.

And as exciting as this moment was, I couldn't delay. Couldn't hold back the urges within me.

I pushed him back into the grass, hands shaking as I unclasped his shorts and tugged them down. His boxers strained so hard they failed to contain the head of his cock as it poked out from one of the legs.

I threw myself at him, mouth wide as I buried my nose in the fabric of his underwear.

His head was coated in sweet precum, the flavor not at all what I expected. He moaned. He thrust against my face, his entire body arching. His hands found the back of my head, he pushed me down. I threw myself at him harder.

I had no idea what I was doing but with how intense my emotions were moments before, I knew I wanted that for him too. I sucked on him, bobbed my head, not even bothering to pull his boxers off. My muzzle pressed into the cloth.

His cock didn't feel like I expected. I loved the curve of it, how sweet he tasted. There were more flavors there, too complicated for me to work out in the moment.

Scents too.

But all I could focus on was the motion, lifting my head and dropping it. My chest tight with lust and shock.

Leon moaned louder, his voice almost a bellow. He humped back against my face, his claws pricked the back of my head.

He shouted.

His cock jerked.

A hot spurt caught the back of my throat. I threw myself away, spluttering. Smacking my lips. I swallowed it on instinct. It was salty and thick, I wasn't sure I liked that. But I had no time to think.

Before I could catch my breath he was on me, kissing me.

I was purring, shaking. My heart racing faster than it ever had before.

We fell into the grass.

I kissed his neck, his cheeks, his lips. He held me in a tight hug, panting as he recovered.

I don't know how long we lay there, motions growing slower and more labored before our exhaustion took us.

I slept the best I'd ever slept.

In an empty field, half my clothes pulled off with my body pressed against my best friend.

For once, I felt happy.