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_ Part 6 _

(Alen)

What remained of Saturday came and went at a staggering pace. That afternoon, I joined Jonas and his family on their trip to Kastenic, a larger town just along the coast. The pool that Mirko had suggested to us back in Padinica was our first port of call, while he and Marta wandered away from the promenade to visit some nearby stores. Toni on the other hand didn't take long to announce his intention to head off and do his own thing, disappearing a short time later. Maybe he'd regretted tagging along here after all; a sentiment I could've definitely matched that morning.

I dove deep into the Maleni partition, separated from the rest of the crowded pool by a low dividing wall. The water rose around me, cradled me, allowed me to float free and glide effortlessly past all the other swimmers. I'd needed this so badly. Finding the emptiest space I could, I closed my eyes, blocked out my thoughts and just let myself be...

"Not going to join me?" My eyes sprang open to reveal Jonas at the poolside, waiting with paw on hip. The shadow he cast in his black swimming trunks blanketed the water, cooling the air to leave my fur prickling. "Figured you might want to do your swimming thing while I do my floating thing."

The sun caught the rippling water either side of him like a pair of mirrors. Only place left for me to look was downwards. "Might be for the best if I stick to this side."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah." The water seemed to darken. "It's kinda busy. Way too many flailing limbs over there."

"Okay... That's never bothered you before, though. Back home."

"That's back home. The sea. Different."

"Well." He stepped back, paw slipping from his side. "I guess I'll just take a quick dip then, since I'm changed... Let me know if you change your mind."

I managed something of smile as he padded off, tail drooping so low that it mopped the poolside. Suddenly the support of the water offered little comfort.

We all joined up again that evening, heading away from the seafront and into the narrow cobblestone streets that apparently comprised 'Old Town'. Some small restaurant tucked far away from the beaten track was our destination; one that Jonas' parents couldn't stop raving about, even after we'd walked in.

Even so, they hadn't oversold it. The food was fantastic, and the atmosphere even more so, coming together to provide yet another great experience here with Jonas' family. With so much pleasant chatter and good feeling being passed around our table, for brief periods, I managed to forget all about my conversation with Toni that day. Unfortunately, the moments those memories chose to come hurtling back at me rarely timed themselves well.

Jonas seemed in particular need of giving affection that evening. A stroke here, a rub there; they came far more often than usual, especially considering the company we were in.

I found myself tensing up, soon unable to stop from slumping forward to take myself away from him. The polar opposite of what his attention usually brought out of me.

It didn't take long for him to pull back for good, and in turn start me experiencing a horrible sense of relief over it.

Pleasant as this whole day, this whole weekend should've been, all I wanted was to get home and put the entire trip behind me. Better yet, I hoped that I could get myself back to Padinica, settle into bed, and wake up Sunday with my mind a clean slate, dismissing this ill feeling as the stupidity it was. No such luck.

Somehow, I conspired to wake even more exhausted than when my head hit the pillow. A far cry from the refreshment of the morning before.

Even the gentle breeze from Jonas' window was nowhere to be found, leaving it close and sticky beneath my sheets. The usually warm, cuddly frame of the big raccoon beside me made things even worse, more like a burning furnace that forced me away across the mattress.

Wiping my brow, sucking in breath, I wondered how much of this discomfort came from the heat outside, and how much came from the constant rolling of noise in my head. Drumming and drumming away and leaving no fucking peace at all. Not matter how much I might've pondered on it, all I could know was a large part of me wanted to curl up and weep over this whole situation.

"Is there anything you want to do this afternoon?" Jonas settled forward, elbows grinding across the outside terrace table. "I know it's Sunday, but it's such a nice day... and our last one here. The last thing I'd want is for you to be stuck inside."

"Can't think of anything." I kept my focus fixed towards the terrace wall ahead. From here, I could see the end of the street, watching the world go slowly by. "If I'm honest."

"Nothing at all?"

"No," I mumbled, waiting for yet another finger rubbing over my back. "We can do something if you want."

The rub never came. Instead, a sigh even hotter than the air around me blasted my fur. "It's tough to think up ideas all the time. If_I'm_honest."

My ears folded in an instant. The rumble in his voice shook me into calling back, "I'll try harder. Sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry. I'm not upset... I just don't want to go wasting the day."

My shoulders lifted. "Okay."

"But..." He started to grin. "If there really _isn't_anything you'd like to do..." Down came his muzzle towards me. "We can always head back upstairs. See how much of a mess we can make of the bed again--"

"No." My paw found his nose without thinking. I pushed back, sending my seat sliding away from him. His mouth dropped open, eyes widening. I hurried out my answer. "Not right now. Sorry."

"Okay." Jonas couldn't have pulled away quicker. "No problem."

"Maybe we can... head back into town? There was that coffee shop we saw on Friday. I know you're not much of a coffee drinker... and it's a hot day."

"I don't mind all that, if it's what you want." His paws rubbed over each other. "They'll have cold drinks, too." He pulled them apart. Set them on the table. "Not to mention cakes and other things." The grinding of his chair back across the tiles sent my ears flicking. "Wanna head off now? Before it gets too late?"

"Sure," I replied. Maybe the change of scenery would do me some good.

We set off along the same route we took just after our arrival Friday. The streets leading into the town centre were even quieter this time round, giving the local kids the chance to make them their playground. The real change though came with the scorching weather. Being carried in Jonas' collar, pressed up against his chest fur, left me panting before we'd barely got going. It made it easier for me to ask what I'd wanted from the start at least.

"Could you put me down please?"

Jonas stopped, looking as if I'd asked the impossible. "Down?"

"It's a little hot here... closed in like this, in this heat."

"How about I just carry you in my hands? That should be cooler."

"It might... but I'd kinda like to stretch my legs anyhow. If that's okay?"

"Sure it's okay. If that's what you really want, but..." He started rubbing the side of his neck. "The walkways in this part of town aren't the best."

"I'm sure they'll do the job--"

"They're old. Slow. Lots of underpasses because of the old buildings, and switches onto other paths where they're not linked up completely."

"That's fine. Wouldn't be the first time I've experienced that."

"Alright." The rubbing got harder. "It's just that..."

"Just what?"

"I like to carry you around with me is all. Strange as that might sound."

"It's my choice, though," I spat without thinking. "I'm not your property."

"I never said you were," he replied, jaw hanging wide open long after he'd finished. "Never have."

A sour taste lingered after throwing that accusation at him. Jonas was right. He'd never claimed anything like that of me. I had no idea where it come from.

"Come here. Please."

I shuddered at his paw rushing around my body, pulling me into him. Tight. He made it hard to move. Hard to breathe with the force. The heat. I struggled upwards, pushing against the thick furry walls both ahead and behind.

"Gods, calm down." The pressure eased. "I'm only hugging you."

"I know."

"Then what's the problem?"

I couldn't miss his frown. "Surprised me."

"You're surprised that your boyfriend wants to _hug_you?"

"Yeah, well you do keep trying!"

"Only since you stopped letting me near you!" That made me jump again. "And I'd have figured that'd be even less reason to be surprised."

I watched my paws slide over one another. My vision started to blur. I wiped my eyes before it became more obvious.

"What's wrong?" His voice travelled softer this time. "And _please_don't say nothing. What have I done to upset you?"

My head sank lower. I couldn't help myself. "Nothing."

Jonas' sigh brushed through my head fur. I grew smaller under his paw. If only I could've disappeared completely.

"Fine." We moved downwards. "If it makes you happy, you can walk. Doesn't bother me." The pavement got closer. He unwrapped me from my place in his shirt collar, hurrying me out onto the rolling Maleni walkway without another word. That started me tearing up even more than before. I wanted this though... didn't I?

Jonas' calves flexed hard as he marched off again, strides vibrating the concrete less and less as he left me behind. His tail drooped, locked in place, missing its usual sway.

My legs wanted to open up and chase down the street after him. My brain overruled them. Kept me standing on this walkway rolling me agonisingly slow towards an underpass. Perhaps I'd get my wish for disappearing after all. I just wondered what else might be along with it.

No prizes for guessing the coffee shop couldn't offer the helpful change of scenery I hoped it might. Our walk here ended up a quiet, lonely affair, with a good distance kept between the both of us. Little changed on that front after we arrived.

Jonas picked us out a table at the back of the shop; one with big, comfortable-looking armchairs. I say comfortable-looking, since I wound up settling into a wooden seat atop the table.

I sipped the iced coffee I'd been left to buy myself, focus wandering between my phone, the other customers around us, and on occasion, my boyfriend.

Jonas on the other paw looked at me even less. He raced through whatever cold drink he'd picked up, only stopping to take a massive bite from one of the two brownies he'd also brought with him to the table.

Jonas always enjoyed his food... but it'd been awhile since I'd seen him demolish that much that fast. Probably not since that night a few weeks back, after getting home from a hellish shift at work he'd told me all about. His tonic that time had been a whole large pizza, washed down soon after by a share-sized tub of frozen yoghurt.

I wanted to ask if he was okay. How he was feeling. Instead, I kept myself to myself, remembering just how angry I'd made him on our way here. In fact, I did such a damn fine job of that, I managed to stay isolated all the way through until bedtime that evening...

I found myself wandering. Aimless. Sunlight blazed through a huge window. Left me wincing. Blind. I threw up my paws, deflecting as much of the searing whiteness as I could. In the end, I had to turn away; back to where I'd come from.

Bright carpeting compressed beneath my feet, hot to the touch. A coffee table sat to the right of me. A couch to the left. Both rose up above my head. Straight ahead, a wooden door sat closed; its Visoka-sized handle impossibly high to reach.

This couldn't be right. I couldn't be back here. I'd left. For good. Whatever strangeness this was, I couldn't stay here. I had to leave as fast as I could.

I started to walk... but the room seemed to move with me. I tried to run... but the carpet stayed condensed. The coffee table remained right next to me. That huge door got no closer... while the Maleni-sized one next to it... was nowhere to be found.

My heart pumped faster. I couldn't stay here. I had to leave as fast as I could.

I turned in all directions, not a single door my size to be found. The carpet started to sink. Pulled me down along with it.

An almighty roar rocked me to my very bones. Left me to throw my paws to my ears. It came back again, somehow louder. My paws weren't nearly enough to block it out. To stop it from making my knees tremble. The roar became a voice, drawing nearer and nearer. I knew it only too well.

I whipped my head around, desperately seeking a place to get out of sight. It tried to take a step... but couldn't. The carpet had risen. Clamped around my feet. It held me tight. Left me helpless.

My heart hammered away. My paws started to shake. I couldn't_stay here. I _had to leave as fast as I could.

The door flew open. Cracked hard against the wall. Hurricane winds battered me. Left me struggling to stand. There he stood. All over again. Zoran.

The huge fox loomed high above, fur like flames in the sharp light. Still he shouted, orange eyes like daggers upon me. Anger incarnate. He made no sense at all, but he didn't have to. The rumble of the ground from his voice alone said everything.

I tried to shout back, to defend myself... but the words evaporated the moment they left my muzzle.

Like lightning, Zoran came for me. Harsh enough to shake the world to its very foundations. He left me no chance to react. No chance to brace myself. No chance. His huge paws snatched me up. Enveloped me in blackness. Again I shouted. Again the words never came.

I rose all the way to his white muzzle, primely positioned to watch his maw snap with the power of his rage. He thumped me down to the coffee table, moving faster than I could comprehend. It took just two fingers to pin me. They clamped down upon my outstretched arms. Left me totally exposed.

"I ask you to do one thing," he screamed. "Useless! Can't do_anything_right!"

His fierce eyes cut me almost as deep as his words.

"You're a waste of space! Typical Maleni..."

I shook with the force of my crying. Still my voice betrayed me.

His fist pounded the table. Spittle rained from above. I could taste his acrid breath. Thank the gods he'd left me free enough to throw a paw to my eyes. To hide myself away. I'd wanted more than anything for this to end... _Would_this ever end?

"He was right... You really _are_useless..."

That tore the air from my lungs. Not the words... The voice that said them.

I moved my paw away, soon wishing I hadn't. The crumpled white muzzle had been replaced by one of cream. Orange eyes by hazel. The black mask around them did little to hide the anger within. "No, please--!"

Jonas' paw slammed down. Pinned me fully.

"Please," I repeated, fighting against him. As if I stood a chance. "Don't do this--"

He pressed down harder. I couldn't move. Breathe. "All you do is whine and complain."

I tried to cry out, but only managed a squeal. Tears streamed down my face. They blurred the snarling raccoon above. "Not you, too."

His other paw rose up high. Formed a fist. I struggled again. And again. I pleaded with him. Begged him. "Don't!"

It hurtled down for me...

All four of my limbs jerked. I bounced and shook, letting out a scream in the darkness. My heart was racing. My breathing rapid. I shook again, though not from my own doing.

A massive wall of black moved through the night. Stopped above. It dropped lower. Filled what vision I had.

"Alen--?"

My paws hit something. Hard. Claws and teeth sank into it. Deep. Something leathery trembled before rushing away. I was on my back before I could blink.

The bed shifted again. As did the covers. My eyes began to focus. I could see the curtain above me, swaying in the breeze.

Jonas sat bolt upright, holding his paw with the other. He leaned away. A flash of light from the bedside lamp forced my eyes closed.

I pushed myself up, too, trying for a better look past his big frame. A quiet whimper made my ears rise. Another started them folding back.

"You were having another nightmare," He peered down over his shoulder at me. I noticed him rubbing a paw with the other.

I pulled my own into my lap, rolling them over as I drooped further forward. It clicked there and then. Of all the people to do that to. To lash out at. To bite. Sure, he might be Visoka, and I'd not be able to hurt him even if I tried, but...

It's then that I looked up at him again, properly, finding something an awful long way from rage behind that mask of his... Perhaps I'd underestimated myself.

"Are you okay?" I wrapped the sheets around myself, unable to take watching him any longer.

"I'll be fine." The mattress started to shift, sinking as he moved towards me. "I should be asking the same of you."

I didn't even know where to begin answering that. Hearing his voice, hearing hurt over anger made my head drop to its lowest yet.

"Things were going so well... but you've been distant with me ever since I got back from helping Dad yesterday morning." His tail shifted, curling tighter against him. "I've spent the whole weekend trying to make you comfortable... trying to be patient."

My eyes started to sting, and not just through tiredness. "I know."

"So, I need you to tell me. Please. What's wrong?" The bed moved again, reacting to Jonas settling down onto his side next to me. "Is it something I've said? Done?"

Much like his tall, broad self, there was no easy way of getting past this. What Toni had said, or at least suggested, had been eating away at me ever since. To let things get this far, to get to the point that I'd taken a swipe at him, bitten him, no matter the circumstance... Hard as I'd been trying, I couldn't keep dancing around Jonas' questions any longer.

"Well?"

His voice gained an edge. Made me shrink smaller. The effort required just to say, "There was..." took so much out of me. Two small, simple words.

"There was, what?" Jonas lied there, covers wrapped tight around him. Only his golden-brown face could be seen, the lighter brown of his muzzle pointed straight at me.

"There was more... A little more to what happened while you were outside yesterday. Helping your Dad."

"Okay." The strength of his swallow travelled through the mattress. "Will you tell me about it?"

My tongue ran over each of my upper teeth, then back again before I replied, "I had a talk with your brother."

"Has he... said something to upset you? I'd understand if he had. He has a... funny sense of humour. Likes to make fun--"

"No, no." I wished it were that simple. "We spoke about a few things. From the past." My next breath came hard. "About you."

His eyes narrowed, the exhale through his nose alone enough to ruffle my fur. "And what things are those?"

The difficulty at just... _existing_right then was incredible. I'd have loved to throw the covers up over myself. Hid beneath them. As if it would've helped anything. "We ended up talking about school. What it was like growing up."

Jonas' eyes shot wide open, a hard inhale coming that time to suck the air back past me. He knew that I knew, but still, I confirmed. "He told me about those Maleni classmates of yours... What happened with them."

Another hard swallow followed, but the shaking of the bed came more from the speed at which Jonas rolled away onto his back. He bit his lip, raising a paw to rub over his eyes. It was his turn to talk now, though I didn't know what he could possibly say to explain this away. Make me feel better about it. If those words did exist, I hoped he could find them.

"Why did he have to tell you about that?" He sighed loud, finishing with a mournful whine. "Him and his big fucking mouth."

"Well... He has."

"Listen... Alen." His breathing started to quiver. His words faltered. "That was a _long_time ago. Ten years and then some." I watched his tail move under the sheets, tucking even tighter to him. "I was a kid... and I was an idiot at school. I did stupid things for what I thought was the right reason... which led to things happening that I really regret..."

Jonas went quiet, fidgeting and whimpering next to me. I wanted to ask more. To press him on the things Toni hadn't been so clear on, like what had got him suspended from school exactly.

"There_was_ a reason behind it. Something that caused all the shit to go down like it did."

"A reason?" I shot back. "There's no reason. No excuse."

"I didn't say excuse--"

"Doing things like that. Treating people like me like that... Hurting them."

"Alen, please." Jonas turned away, eyes clenched shut, face twisting. He didn't deny it. "Honestly... you can't make me feel any worse about this. I'd take it all back in a heartbeat if I could."

"Words are easy, especially now, but what about the future? What if we have an argument? What if you lose your temper and--"

"No! I'd never--"

"Do that?" I snapped, cutting in to stop him dead. "You'd be surprised how fast 'it'll never happen' turns into 'it'll never happen again'. Let's face it, I used hear the _exact_same thing from Zoran time and time--."

"Hey!" Jonas launched himself back up onto his side. "I'm _nothing_like him." I fell away, flat onto my back as his chest rose like a brown-furred wall. "Do you really think I could do the things he used to do to you?" His glare carved its way deep inside me. "Do you really think I'd _ever_hurt you?"

I opened my mouth to respond, wanting to say 'no, I didn't think that'... I just couldn't grasp the words.

His ears flicked lower. "Do you?"

"It's just... Knowing that about you. Knowing what you've done to people my size in the past... I can't forget it. No matter what I do, I can't shake it from my mind."

"Alen... What exactly are you saying?"

"I keep worrying I might not see you the same way any more." My body went numb, turned icy cold the second I finished. That came out far, far more readily than I'd have ever wanted.

Jonas' ears splayed out. "H-How..." His jaw dropped. He sank back. "_How_can you say that? About something so long ago?"

I didn't know, either. This conflict... It was tearing me in two.

"Don't you remember that evening at Riki's? The way Zoran snatched you up, tried to take you away from me like something he owned? You're_honestly_comparing me to... him!?"

I'd spent more time examining my paws than anything else by this point. It took him scrambling towards me, dropping down, almost pressing his nose to mine to stop it. "What can I do? How can I prove to you that I've changed?"

I fought against the urge to cower back. It left me silent. As did the struggle to answer his question. My eyes got blurrier. A tear rolled down my cheek. "I don't know..." His own eyes wrenched themselves closed. "I know you're not him, but I just can't stop these damn thoughts. Knowing this... it's brought everything back. Everything."

"Oh, Alen..." Another hit of heat from his nostrils. "Listen. We've beat them once. We'll beat them again." His paw rose up, reached out for me. "Maybe going back to try that counsellor again--"

"No." He whined like I'd stabbed him straight through the heart as I pulled away. It cut deep like I'd done the exact same to myself. This battle I'd lost terribly.

His paw stopped, moved back. Jonas wiped it over his eyes, dampening the black fur around them. "At least this explains why you've been off with me."

My raccoon's words were so quiet. So weak. Big tears began striking the mattress.

"I know you've been through so much... more than anyone should." His ears sank to the point they were barely visible against the wavy fur atop his head. "You know I've _always_tried my hardest to help you, always tried to be patient, but I can only do so much... I don't like where this is going."

The knife in my chest turned. Thrust itself deeper. Pain leaked out into every last part of me.

"Is this something we're gonna get past?"

I wanted to turn to him. To give him the answer we _both_wanted. Of course we'd get past this. We'd get over this bump in the road. We'd look back and laugh and think how stupid it'd all been.

Despite all of that, I chose to study the imperfections of the wallpaper instead. "I want to. Just... give me a little space... for a bit."

Yet more warmth washed over me. It did little to overcome the coldness that followed the pain.

"Space... For a bit." The bed shifted again, rising as Jonas' sniffling moved further away. "Fine then. Have it."

A click punctured the air. Darkness returned. Left me isolated. Alone.