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Five years. William and I had been together for five years. That's all I could think about on my way down the hall, all I could think about as I lay down in my bed with the covers pulled up to my neck, regardless of how I still remained fully dressed. Not like my mind would permit me to fall asleep.

There was just this... this aching chill thrumming throughout my body with every heartbeat, the kind of which could not be fended off by any weight of blankets or amount of physical warmth. My head started pounding, my stomach felt like if I were to eat anything, it would staunchly refuse and give it right back. The all-too-familiar overburdening feeling of guilt and self-doubt washed over me, made me feel like I had a dire need to confess something, but... what was there to confess? I'd said all that I could.

Other than how I had a wet dream about Harley the night after meeting him. Or how I snuck off between classes and - and fucking pawed off in a public school bathroom, thoughts of him fresh and rich in my head. How I willingly ignored some of William's messages while in good conversation with Harley. How, in under a week, I had become more excited to see an unread message from my new coyote friend than from my boyfriend. How I'd gone behind William's back and - and acted on those feelings and desires, hot and bright and young and probably evanescent, were I to sit back and think on them for a while.

But, no. This is stupid little Daniel Lane we're talking about. Daniel Lane, who has terrible self-control and then piles all of the blame of every little problem in the world onto his own shoulders. And rightfully so in this case, I think.

Eventually Mom got back home: from my room I could hear the sound of the garage door closing, the jangle of her keys on the counter, her call of "boys, I'm back", followed shortly later by a "...boys?" When she knocked on my door and came in, I told her that Harley had left, and that my stomach was bothering me. So, being a mother, she told me to call her if there was anything I needed, and that she loves me and hopes I feel better.

Oh, if only she knew.

Gradually the light from the window across the room dimmed and deepened, from white to grey to pink to orange to black. I'd rested my phone on my nightstand, plugged in to charge overnight, but... it never vibrated, never received a message. The little light blinked on and off, unplug me, unplug me, but I couldn't be bothered.

That weekend, I couldn't tell you if I got far more sleep than usual or far less. Everything just kind of blended together. My room would be dark and silent one minute, and then - I'd turn over, or I'd kick the blankets off me to stop sweating, and it would be bright as day with the smell of bacon on the air from downstairs, and - then it was dark again, but my body didn't feel like it was night.

Then, sometime late Saturday evening, I received a barrage of texts from William, all at once.

Hey. It's William. I wanted to type all of this out so i could get my thoughts in order and say what i really mean to, instead of fuckin up and tripping over my words and everything. I think you know whats coming, though.

I remember one time right around when we started going out, I treated him to a day at the local amusement park. That was where I learned of his fear of heights, and also where he learned of my fear of the dark: on one rollercoaster, he squeezed my paw tight enough that it still hurt the next morning, and then we went into a pitch-black haunted house, and I did the same to him. We each complained about the pain, and then - being new boyfriends - treated each other: I got him cotton candy, blue, and he got me ice cream, soft-serve, vanilla-chocolate swirl. It was the best ice cream I'd ever had.

I'm sorry if i didnt respond like you expected me to. The whole thing just... took me completely by surprise, you know? Totally blindsided me. I always thought you knew how i felt about you playing with other people. Youve often accused me of overreacting in the past, and ill admit, maybe thats true. Weve spoken about this kind of thing before, and the only reason i got so upset was because i didnt want to lose you, danny.

We both love musicals. To pay me back for our amusement park outing, he brought me to a show put on by the local college at a well-respected venue further downtown. The Dream Collector, it was called, and starred this damn handsome king cheetah with a smooth baritone voice. Like... like molten chocolate! William had said to me, and that combined with the look on his face - just fucking made me crack up, right there. We almost got kicked out of the theater.

I grew up in a house and family where it's looked down on for a guy to show his feelings. Youre the first person ive ever been with where i felt like i could actually be myself. I felt comfortable around you, danny. I always have. Even before you asked me out, id had my eye on you for a long time, but... its kind of a funny thing. Me being comfortable around you? At first, that just made me even more comfortable. I didnt know how to act, didnt know what to say, didnt know what to think about it. Then you came along with your dumb grin and your cute shyness and that quiet voice of yours, and you brought all of that out of me. Thats what love is, i realized. You made me happy.

And then came the time for me to tell Mom about him. I'd already come out to her, a few years in the past - and after a while, she was totally okay with it. However, William was this mutt who'd been spending almost every weekend here, who'd been giving me rides home and hanging out with me in my room for hours on end... to this day I'm almost certain her surprise was feigned. She told us that she was still okay with him sleeping over, so long as we stay in different bedrooms. That little rule was the whole reason that William waited until after she'd gone to sleep to come and sneak into my bed, and then go back into his separate room shortly before she'd get up in the mornings.

I just wanted to hold on to you. You made me feel like nobody else ever has before, and after all these years of having that, the thought of losing you just terrifies me like nothing else. Thats why id always react a little viciously whenever youd ask about messing around with someone else. Im sorry if it came out wrong. I just didnt want you to realize that you had these same feelings for someone else, maybe more than you did for me, and then id lose you.

And then came the first time I cheated on him. It was a small thing, really, just something with an old friend-with-benefits of mine down the street. He came over, and I got horny, and lost sense of my self-control, and... right after, right after he left, I sent William text after text after text explaining what happened, telling him how sorry I was, how much I regretted it. I think that was the first day I really felt the intense weight of guilt, cold and painful. He eventually told me it was okay, that he forgave me, but I could tell some part of him didn't. Friday night I could tell that he still hadn't forgiven me, and he never will.

When you told me youd never do anything without my permission... i believed you. Its just the kind of person I am to be skeptical about most things, but whenever youd tell me something, id believe you. Thats what a good boyfriend does. I didnt think id have any reason to suspect otherwise. I didnt want to have any reason.

Our first Christmas, I got him a video game for an old system he still had as well as the final book in his favorite series, and he got me this adorable little clay statue of a bird and a plush of a dog, which I slept with until I lost it at my dad's house before his move out of state. I didn't find out until three months later that the bird's neck opened up, and that William had stuffed a little note into the secret compartment there.

Look, danny. I know we have our differences, and i know there are some things i do that really piss you off to no end. Youve mentioned them before, and ive tried. This past year ive been able to tell that your feelings for me have gone away a bit. You no longer hold my paw like you used to. You no longer pin me to the wall and make out with me like a horny, excited puppy. You no longer squeeze me tight at night and shove your muzzle into my neck. I could tell that weve been growing apart. Ive been able to tell for a while. I know it annoys you that I show up without being invited, but i only do whenever im worried about you, or if im missing you. Recently, ive been missing you particularly strongly.

"To Daniel," it had said. "I love you more than anything and everything combined. It's a joy to be both your boyfriend as well as your best friend, and I really enjoy every minute we spend together. Even if you're sitting there staring at your video game, mouth hanging stupidly open and tail wagging behind you, I enjoy it. I love watching you, and seeing your face, and hearing your voice, and smelling your scent. (By the way, I took three of your shirts because I liked how they smell like you - I'll return them once that scent is replaced with my own.) If I can, I wish to be yours, forever and always. Love, Will."

And then I come here yesterday, and find that strange coyote on your arm, with you smelling like him up and down... i knew what you were gonna say before you said it. I hoped i was wrong, but i knew. I just wanted to see if you could tell me the truth. And, like always, you did. I thank you for that at least. And i wanna thank you for all of the good years youve given me. All of the smiles, all of the laughter. Ive smiled more since ive been with you than in my entire life before. The way you looked at him when he spoke, the way you almost reached out to hug him as i left... i could see that, danny. Thats the way you used to look at me. My worst fear has come true, and theres nothing i can do to change that or make you change your mind or heart. You cant choose who you fall in love with, after all.

Ironically, though, on Valentine's day, we didn't even see each other. The first year, we both completely forgot; the second year, he had work; the third, I was at my dad's house; the fourth, we agreed to get together on the weekend to watch a movie; and the fifth... this year, I'd told him I was busy. In reality, I just wanted to sit at home alone - Mom was out with her boyfriend - and play the new game that had just come out earlier that week, without a mutt looking over my shoulder asking every twelve minutes when his turn was. I knew from experience that whenever I turned it over to him, I wouldn't get it back until he left... but, then, I wasn't any better.

So i guess i want to say im sorry for not being the boyfriend you need. You havent changed at all, danny. Youre still the shy, happy wolf i always knew, the same one i set my eye on in high school, the same one i fell in love with. You still have the same dumbass sense of humor, the same taste in music, the same wrong opinion that chocolate cake is better than strawberry. So i also want to thank you for making me realize that i need to take a closer look at myself. I told you i tried to change to fit what you wanted, but i guess i didnt change the right things.

One time, I just completely broke down and fired off at him. He hadn't done anything in that moment to deserve it. A wave of malice just came over me when he'd showed up at my door, and after impatiently pacing around the kitchen sorting through my words, I clomped down the hall, through open the door to my room - where he'd taken up my computer playing a game - and... let loose at him. It felt good to shout; I won't lie. It felt good to scream and let out everything that had been building up over the months, to finally tell him everything about him that pissed me off and annoyed me and everything I disliked and hated. He didn't yell back at me, though. He just sat there, ears down, eyes on the floor, and nodded - and when I was done he got up, said "love you", and left. Later that night I of course sent him a lengthy apology text, and he said it was okay, and that was the end of it. Another one of these explosions had been building up again since then, though, and I think a little bit of that came through the other afternoon - since even though I clearly outlined all of his flaws that bugged me, to my eyes he had made no attempt to fix any of them.

All i want is for you to be happy. Youve given me that, daniel. Youre the good boyfriend here. Youve made me happier than anyone else ever has, and now all i want is for you to feel that same happiness, too. And ive been worried that i havent been able to give you that happiness for quite some time now. So i want you to go ahead and be with that coyote. I want you to make him feel like you made me feel, and i hope that he can make you feel that way, too. I dont mean to be prideful or anything, but if hes good enough to make you look at him like you used to look at me... then hes gotta be special, right? Im sorry. Ill still be here if you want to talk, but things will be different. Thank you for giving me this last stepping stone to finally break things off, danny. Itll be better for both of us. Ill miss you. William.

Bright phone screen, dark words swimming in front of my eyes, further aggravating my headache... I couldn't tell the source of the tears, and it didn't matter enough to me to find out. Next thing I knew, I was curled up facing the other direction hugging my pillow tight to my chest, muzzle pressed deep into it, silent sobs racking my body and making my chest hurt, my throat ache, my head pound.

Five years. William and I had been together for five years, and then just like that, it was gone.

Of course I wasn't feeling any better by Sunday morning. I managed to pull myself out of bed somewhere around noon to piss, but I lost my balance and thwacked my shoulder against the door pretty hard on the way out. Mom came in to check on me again, told me that she was going to see some friends for bit, and left me with an ibuprofen and a dose of stomach medicine, which I left on the nightstand.

William wasn't going to send another message. I knew that he knew that I had read it. He had made his point, just as I had made mine in going ahead and letting - having - Harley fuck me. The most passionate, powerful sex I'd had in over a year, and it was from goddamn coyote I'd met just that week.

I used to be pretty good at blocking out thoughts and quieting my mind, as that was my main tactic to fall asleep, but this weekend I found it to be almost impossible. All of the things I'd done with William, all of the times I'd enjoyed and had fun, came back in force - and I tried to push them all away, but like flies they just kept coming back. God dammit, I wanted to text Harley. I wanted to text Zoey, Alex, Lukas, anybody. I just wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay, that I hadn't just made the worst fuck-up of my entire life so far.

But, then, that'd be a lie, wouldn't it?

Late Sunday night - or Monday morning, I don't know - I was suddenly jerked awake by my phone's vibrating on the nightstand, long and persistent. It was a phone call, not a text. Without looking, I silenced the call and rolled over... but then had my heart shot back into my throat again when there was a second call after it, and then a third. Annoyed, I tugged it off the charging cable, hit the _Answer_button without looking, shoved it to my ear - "What?"

Sharp intake of breath, low shuddering exhalation, broken into many sobs. Again, and again, and again. "Daniel..."

Hell, I could feel my heartbeat change pace. From sharp annoyance to bitter concern. "Oh my God. Harley? Are you okay? What's wrong? Are you - are you hurt?"

More sobbing. "Daniel, I miss you. My chest hurts. I'm having trouble breathing, my paws are shaking..."

"Harley - what's going on? Do you need me to call an ambulance?" -And, then, it clicked into place. William used to get panic attacks all the time. "Harley. Listen to me. Breathe, okay? Can you do that for me? One, two, three, four... one, two, three, four... there you go... what happened?"

"I had a nightmare." God, I'd never heard his voice like this before. All of my worries of the weekend, everything that had been bothering me... it all just faded. None of that was important anymore. "Daniel, I... I wish I hadn't left. Dad's not here. I'm home alone, and I'm scared."

I reached over to turn on my bedside lamp, and sat up in bed. Now my paws were shaking. "I didn't want you to leave. I wanted you to stay here with me. I wish you had."

"I want to see you. I miss you. Daniel..." ...his voice choked up again, and gave way to another string of tight sobs.

Something to say. Think of something. Anything, goddammit- "Go take another dose of your anxiety medication. Can you do that for me? Harley?"

"Can't-" He swallowed. "-can't exceed eight doses in twenty-four hours..."

Eight doses.

"What can I do? I - I..." This was a kind of worry and panic I hadn't felt in a long time. Heart in my chest and throat, paws shaking. I was unconsciously digging my claws into my sheets, and had to tug on them to get them loose. "Tell me what I can do to help you. Harley, you're - you're scaring me."

"Talk to me. Please. I'm scared. I'm so - scared..." This last syllable bounced off into uneven choked sobs, followed by another sharp intake of breath. My God - had he been like this all weekend? Here I was, worrying about my own damn boyfriend - ex-boyfriend - and the things I'd done...

"Okay. Okay! Uh... Harley, there's - you know the new Edgeworlds game? The one that came out earlier this year?"

"Yeah..."

"There's a secret level in it. If you go behind the lava waterfall in the Pit of Reckoning near the end - you have to time it just right with a rocket launcher jump, and make sure your shield is enough so you don't die - you can hop up to this hidden stone balcony behind the waterfall, and keep on going down the tunnel. And do you know what's there?"

Sniffling.

"Harley, do you know what's there?"

"What?"

"You can see the wreckage of the ship you crashlanded in. That means that Barbella's theory of you being a traveller from another dimension is totally wrong, since there _is_proof of your story and history. You didn't just show up in Sanctumsburg with an alien gun on your back and your head full of visions of some foreign place. Your memory of landing on the planet is true and totally valid, and it's just something with the planet itself that's preventing contact with any of the outer systems."

"...Daniel..."

"Yes?"

My ears perked up - I thought I heard a noise from down the hall. When talking about games I _do_tend to get a bit animated, but I didn't think I was loud enough to wake Mom...

Another swallow. "You must hate me."

Just took me completely by surprise, you know? Totally blindsided me. "I - what?"

"You must... hate..." ...and again, he broke down into sobbing. Before this night, I don't think I'd ever wanted to be with someone so intensely, just to hug them tight and tell them that I'm here. I wanted it so much that it fucking hurt. "I j... I came in, and I fucked everything up between you and William, and - I'm so sorry, Daniel, I'm so fucking sorry... you're probably single now because me, and-"

"Harley, wait, wait, hang on-"

"-and I don't know what's going to happen to you or him, and I just... I can't-"

"Calm down, Harley, hey..."

"...and I... fuck, and I'm - running low on my meds; I'd finally gotten to the point where I hadn't had to take one in a whole week, and then this happens, and I'm back at square one again... three years, down the fucking drain..."

"Harley! Listen to me. Listen - hey. Listen. Are you-? Are you listening?" Finally, I looked over at clock on my nightstand. 3:19 AM, Monday morning.

Careful, shaky exhalation. "Yeah."

"Say it."

"What?"

"You're listening."

"...I'm listening..."

I don't want it to happen again, he'd said, his words almost too muddled to understand. This was quite a bit like then. I'm so fucking terrified that I'll lose you, too. "What's your favorite color?"

"What?"

"Favorite color."

"Orange..."

"Mom and dad's names?"

"Linda and - Richard..."

"Do you prefer manly soap, or fruity soap?"

"Fruity. Daniel-"

"What kind of fruit?"

"...Strawberry." Sniffle. His sobbing had stopped, and his breathing slowed.

"What's your favorite class?"

"History." I knew that one. "But what d-"

"Favorite species other than your own?"

"Otter. Or - cheetah... or wolf..."

"Tea or coffee?"

"Soda. What does this have to do w-"

"Did you hear the one about the giant with the nosebleed?"

"What? No-"

"Oh, I'm surprised. It was all over town."

For a second, I thought he'd started crying again... but, no: it was quiet, breathy laughter that next came to me over the receiver. Then, it sounded like he wiped his muzzle. "You've got a stupid sense of humor."

My own heartbeat had finally started to slow, too. Talk about a bad start to the week... "There. Are you feeling better?"

"...Yeah. I am."

"You know, I've being alone isn't good for dealing with anxiety. Not at all."

"I know. I should know that by now. I just... don't have many friends. You're the only one who talks to me, Daniel."

Instead of digging my claws into the mattress, I traced little circles on the fabric. The lines remained, slightly darker than the surroundings, until I wiped them off with the pads of my paw. "It's just 'cause you're so... something else, Harley. You're so bright, and attractive, and charismatic... everyone probably just assumes you're out of their league." Heh. "I know I did."

"Yeah?" There was the Harley I knew. Note of sharp wit under his voice, like he was constantly on the verge of turning the conversation into a joke. "What happened to change that?"

"You talked to me. You're not one of the shiny immaculate Popular Ones. You're another person just like me and Alex and my mom and everyone else, someone I can talk to, someone I can lean on..." I swallowed. Where was I going with this? "...I... care about you, Harley. I like you."

"Daniel."

"Yeah?"

Hesitation. "You aren't going to... leave, are you?"

What did he mean by that? "Leave? Where would I go? I'm..." The word took a moment to force out. I wasn't too sure of its truthfulness at this point in time, considering what had happened on Friday. Seemed as if this weekend just didn't exist. "...happy right where I am."

"Promise?"

"Promise. Can you_promise _me something?"

Cold, flat, no hesitation this time. "I can't keep a promise."

"Can you keep one for me?"

Silence.

"Promise to always call me if you need someone? Even if it's three AM. Even if I'm in the middle of class, or taking a test, or - shit, I don't know, running from the cops. Whatever. Take another dose of your meds - if you're not on the limit - and then give me a call. Okay?"

"...I'll try."

"That's all I'm asking. Thank you."

"Wait. Before you go. Daniel..."

When you're feeling hatred for yourself, the most valuable thing you can do is display love for someone else.

"...Thank you. And I'm - sorry for... calling you, and scaring you like that. I panicked. It... used to happen a lot more often, right after... after Natalie..." Harley swallowed and cleared his throat. "Sorry. And thank you, Daniel, it... really means a lot to me."

Sure, it still hurt. There was still this aching void in my heart, this deep wound of guilt and self-hate that would take a long time to heal, but... already I knew that if William were to suddenly call me three times at three AM on a school night, I would be fucking pissed. Maybe this was a good turn of events, morbid as it may seem. Maybe this really was what we needed to finally move on, to put an end to a chapter that was hurting both of us.

"Don't worry about it." A smile lifted the edges of my lips. "Like I said before, I care about you, Harley. I want you to be okay." More than you know. "You gonna be alright for the rest of tonight?"

"Yeah. I think so. Sorry..."

"It's okay. I-" ...but those words would have felt wrong. It still hadn't even been a full week, and it seemed that I was only just now getting to know this coyote for who he really was. This was the real Harley, the one who spent most of his time at home with his strategy video games and the entire empty house to himself - himself and his thoughts, wherever they may bring him. Hell, I couldn't even tell you his last name. My paw tightened on my phone. "I miss you."

When he next spoke, I could almost imagine him curling up in bed next to me, his breath warm and gentle on the sensitive fur of my ear. If I pressed my nose against the blankets, I could barely - barely - pick up the ghost of his scent, dry musky spice, foreign and almost entirely out of my recognition. "I miss you too, Danny. Goodnight."

"Night. See you tomorrow?"

"...Yeah."