The Woodland Visitor Ch 23: Self Doubt
#25 of The Woodland Visitor
The Woodland Visitor Ch 23:
Self Doubt
So innocent and pure looking. That's the first thing that comes to mind as I gaze at her sleeping form. How could anything so beautiful be such a cold hearted killer? How could I have taken this sweet thing and corrupted her so much?
I can remember the day she came into my life. So scared and naive, she didn't know what would happen to her. She was scared and I was able to calm her. Slowly I built her trust in me then unexpectedly, her love.
I brought her out of the shell she was in, shy and not talking, to the beautiful woman she is now. Her speech has improved greatly and when I asked her what happened, she replied that she finally felt the need to talk.
The corners of her mouth curl up and a smile crosses her lips. I wonder what she's dreaming about. Is it like mine when I dream about her? Does she dream of us as much as I do? Did I put that smile on her face?
My smile slowly fades when I think about what I did. I took a pure heart and made a cold hearted killer out of it. I know you don't think so, but I did. She still appears so loving and caring to those who know her but I know better.
How could I bring her into my business especially after what happened to her predecessor? But she's a natural. She took to the Remington M-24 SWS like she was born with one in her hand. And the XM-8, well all I can say is WOW!
Looking over, I can see Tanya's rifle hanging above the fireplace and a flood of memories comes back to me. The first time I saw Tanya using it. The day I carried her and it, from her last mission. The day I buried her and put it away for the last time, or so I thought. Then came the day I avenged her death using her assault rifle, finally finding some semblance of peace. The day that Tanya's spirit gave it to Sienna to carry on the heritage of the Wolfpack, essentially opening a new chapter. And finally the day Sienna hung it up, proclaiming that like Tanya, her rifle would be placed into a place of honor to commemorate the sacrifice she made.
The day that rifle was hung up was the day that Sienna changed. Not physically, but in a barely perceptible way mentally. She finally accepted what she was. A member of the world famous and in some cases feared Wolfpack. That's when she began to take it seriously.
She trained with each and every member of the pack, learning what they knew. Between my evaluation and that of the other pack members I watched her master the trade faster than anyone could believe.
It took over a year but she went from this gentle looking creature to a well toned and cunning killer. The whole time she gave the outward impression that she was still the same gentle loving creature. I on the other hand watched the demon I planted into her grow.
I still loved her and she... well she loves me unconditionally. I can't help but wonder if she could only see what I saw, would she still love me as much? Or would she hate me for spawning that demon in her?
I run my fingers through the fur on her cheek, smoothing it out and feeling its softness. Then on down her neck to her shoulders. Shoulders that were firm from working out so much. Her arms, I could feel muscles under her fur that even though she was relaxed, still bulged. Indeed she could bench press me now. She was relentless when it came to her workouts. My hand continued across to her chest and down to her firm breasts with the white and brown coursing down them. More firm then they ever were but still soft and beautiful. Continuing on, my hand brushes across her nipple drawing a soft gasp from her. I can feel it harden in my hand as I continue on to the underside of her breast and down to her abdomen. Smiling I think to myself as I run my fingers across it that she has a six pack that I'm envious of.
I hit her ticklish spot and can feel her body flinch and tell that my explorations are waking her up. Slowly I withdraw my hand and just watch her as she settles down and falls back into a deep sleep.
Leaning over, I gently place a kiss on the tip of her nose and smile as I watch it twitch some. As quietly as I can I slip out of bed and tuck the blankets around her. Then make my way out to the living room.
I place another log onto the fire figuring that if I'm gonna be up a while, might as well have some heat and light. My eyes move up to the assault rifle hanging on the mantle. My hand reached up and caressed it as memories of my beloved Tanya came flooding back. I turned and made my way over to the couch, slowly setting down.
My hand came up as if she was right there in front of me. I traced every line, every curve of her face. The face of the woman I fell in love with. To me she was the face of an angel, someone that the likes of me should never have been able to capture. But I did, not only her, but her heart as well.
I smiled as I remembered when I found out that she was interested in me. I was so excited that I was in heaven. The more we were together the more I accepted her feelings for me. Through it all I never accepted that this angel had chosen me to love. Yes love, although she didn't say it, I knew she loved me and I loved her.
Somehow this bond made us the strongest team within the Wolfpack. We were in sync with each other. It was if we could read each other's minds. Our missions were completed with deadly accuracy because of it.
That was until we went after our final mark. He was only known to us as the General, and was to be what I was told, the kingpin of the Columbian drug cartel. I only found out after the fact that he was an agent of the Red Scorpion, or Rocare as I have come to know him.
An easy hit... get in, take him out and get out again. Easily something we've done over a hundred times. It was supposed to be another mission just like the others. Only it wasn't...
He was waiting for us. It was all a carefully laid trap to remove the only threat to Rocare's plans. And I stupidly walked right into it. My blind stupidity caused me to lose the only thing in life that meant more than my own life ever did. It cost me Tanya.
On that day as I held her bleeding and battered form in my arms a part of me died when she took her last breath. I became an empty shell of a man.
Suddenly the Wolfpack didn't mean anything to me anymore. Indeed I didn't want to be near them for the memories they brought out in my mind. Memories of happier times, and thoughts that nothing could come between us. That we were an invincible team and nothing would ever stop us.
But it did, it stopped us and brought my whole world crashing down. Suddenly I didn't want anything to do with that world or those within it anymore. The Wolfpack agreed that without Tanya who was the heart of the pack, they didn't have it in them to continue. Ultimately we went our separate ways.
Three years later Sienna came into my life. I never thought I could fall in love again but she proved me wrong. Her sweet gentle nature worked its way into my heart and mended the break it held.
I never forgot Tanya and Sienna never replaced her but she forged her own spot in my heart. I never realized how much she meant to me until she was caught and taken away from me. I once told Tanya that I would do anything within my power to keep her safe. I proved it that night by completely destroying Avontech Corp. where she was being held.
After that rescue I found the courage to face my demons and tracked the General down. When I finally caught him I was overcome by the memories of what he had did to her. The thought of what I did to him still haunts me.
I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and trembling only to have Sienna hold me like Tanya did when I first started. She holds me and soothingly talks to me as I calm down. She knows why I wake up screaming and only wants to sooth me.
She tells me that I only did what I had to do and that Tanya would never think anything less of me. She also says that she will always be here for me and that she won't put me through that.
I can't help but wonder if it's true. She's just like Tanya was. I mean she was in essence responsible for bringing the Wolfpack back together like Tanya did initially. She has become so well liked that she's now as much their leader as Tanya was. I also can't help but shudder at the realization that during our missions, she's as cold hearted as Tanya was.
Tears roll down my cheek as I wonder. Tanya's now dead, will Sienna wind up the same or are my fears unjustified. Am I just being paranoid or in essence, gun shy. Sienna can hold her own but, so could Tanya and in the end it didn't matter how good she was.
I sense movement behind me and feel a soft hand caress my cheek. I lean into her hand and the feeling of love overwhelms me, making me again want to give up my old life and start a new one. One where the Black Wolf is nothing but a memory.
She walks around the couch and curls up beside me, resting her head on my shoulder, as she looks up into my eyes. I can see in her expression she understands what is going on inside of my mind and without words, offers her support.
I feel movement on the other side of me and turn to see Amber climb up on the couch and gently lick my cheek before she laid her head on my lap and stared up at me. I reached down and lightly began to scratch behind her horns like she loved.
It was then that a new thought entered my mind. Amber. Could I really continue on knowing that the next mission I could wind up buried beside Tanya. Could I leave her without a parent again? Hasn't she been through enough already?
Raising her head, she rubbed her muzzle across my cheek. "Daddy, why are you so sad?"
The softness and innocence of her voice touched something in me. I looked down into her innocent eyes and was just about to reply when Sienna's hand pulled my face around.
"I know what is troubling you and it's not your fault." She softly whispered to me in a voice that carried nothing but love.
"But it is, if I didn't..."
She placed her finger across my lips silencing me. "No it isn't."
"But, how can you say that?"
"You may be an almighty guardian, but some things you cannot change. My heart is mine and you cannot change the fact that I gave it to you. Nor can you change the fact that I chose to follow you. Nor can you change the fact that I allowed this change in me. Nor can you change the fact that you are not responsible for it. I and I alone awoke this demon that you think you planted within me."
"But..."
No, the Wolfpack is your family and your life. You need to see that. Just because Tanya is gone doesn't mean that you need to give up on that. You need to see that your family is there for you, no matter what. I awoke that demon within me when I accepted who you were. I was changed when I did. I finally knew what it meant to have a family that wasn't related to me. I accepted who they were and allowed myself to become a sister to them. When I did, I allowed the demon as you think of it to become part of me. But I never let it change who I am. I am Sienna, the one who you fell in love with, the one who loves you with all my heart, the one who will stand beside you no matter what."
She leaned back a little further and stared into my eyes. I didn't see any regret or anger or fear in them, only pure love, a love for me that nothing could change.
"Even before I knew what you were, before I knew of the Wolfpack, there was one thing I knew. I knew that I would follow you anywhere, and I would do so willingly. I would do anything to be with you. It may seem like I've changed to you but without that change, I couldn't fulfill what my heart had already pledged to yours. I could not be with you."
"But..." I stuttered. "I can see the change in you when we are on missions. You're not the same."
"I am the same, I always will be the same. What you see as change is me blocking out anything that could be used to cause harm to our family. I have to block out who I was to become what I must. In the end I always go back to who I am. You do the same as does every member of the pack. We all suppress those things that would cause us to hesitate and give our enemy the one chance to harm us. But when I look at you, I'm still the same one you fell in love with. I'm sorry if you think otherwise. I never meant to do that."
She leaned down and softly kissed my lips. "The demon that you perceive to be here isn't a demon. It's just a mask I use to get through each day. The same kind of mask that you wear."
"I wish mine was a mask." I replied as I lowered my gaze from her eyes.
"It is just a mask, a mask you wear and discard when we're together." She softly replied.
"No it isn't," I gently moved Amber from my lap and stood up. Walking over to the fireplace and looking up O let out a sigh. "I have too many demons running around inside me for it to be a mask."
I felt her hand settle on my shoulder, "No you don't. You're just afraid. You're afraid because you have too many regrets running around in your mind. I know Tanya's death still haunts you even though she doesn't blame you. I know that you are scared of the responsibility that I've put on you, that Pearl put on you. But you just have to be yourself and you'll doo fine. Amber already thinks of you as her daddy. That alone shows me that you are doing just fine. And I also know that this responsibility of being a Guardian scares the shit out of you. I can't deny that I would be so scared that... I don't know. I just know that I couldn't be as strong as you. Just remember, you have friends that will help you, people that you can lean on when you need it."
Turning to face her I held her hand against the side of my face. "That's another thing that haunts me. How can I make them fight an enemy that I don't even know?"
"If you remember, you asked them to help. You didn't make them do anything."
"But this..."
She put her finger tips over my mouth. "No, every one of them knows what their getting into. It's the same thing when we go on a mission. We don't know the enemy but we go anyway."
"But..." I tried to protest around her fingers but she just pressed them tighter.
"Don't you think they know this enemy is different? Do you think they don't understand that this enemy is more powerful than anything they have ever faced? Don't you think that they know some of them may not come back? Yet they choose, yes THEY choose to follow you because that's what friends are for. They help each other. Being the true friends they are, they don't care about the consequences."
"But I do..."
"Don't get me wrong, they do too but that isn't going to stop them from helping you. I know, you now think that the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Just remember that you have friends who are willingly offering their backs to help bear the load that you bear. All I can say is, accept their help and those demons that you think you bear won't be as haunting."
"But..."
Sienna took my face in her hands and pulled me closer. "How about this then, if I hear one more but come out of your mouth, your gonna sleep on the couch for the next week..."
I slowly wrapped my arms around her and gently stroked her tail as I kissed her. When we parted I quietly asked her, "Does that mean I can't tell you that you have a nice butt?"
She immediately twisted out of my arms and started walking away. "I'll get the blanket and pillow."
My face fell as I watched her walk away. ‘She couldn't be serious could she?'
Stopping in the entrance to the hall she turned and with a mischievous grin said. "Bring Amber with you, I'll get Natasha and be there in a minute. I think we all could use some sleep and I don't think she will want to go back to her bed."