Drawn Out
#26 of Expectations and Permissions
The 26th installment of Expectations and Permissions finds our addled athlete Parker in the reluctant company of Eoin, who has told his mentor that he would watch over the pup while Benedict was at the field house, doing whatever it was that he was doing. (We saw in the previous chapter exactly what he was doing, thank you very much.) Having fought down the former footballer just that morning, Eoin is not entirely prepared for what happens next.
The art included with the story was made for me by the spectacular kimmykun, whose incredible graphic story series, The Golden Week, can be found either at his own website or right here on SoFurry. I'm very grateful for his fine contribution to the story. He's a wonderful dog; go show him some love.
Eoin McCracken hadn't done any babysitting in quite a long time. His only younger sibling wasn't so far behind him in the birth order as to need much looking after, once both had passed puberty and gotten a reasonable sense of personal responsibility not to look for trouble actively. After all, as the Saluki had swiftly learned, it's usually more fun to let trouble find you. Unless, of course, it wasn't the sort of trouble you weren't actively looking but privately hoping for.
He refused to touch his jaw, even though it still hurt to some degree, and the split lip still stung more than a little. To give himself such comfort, in sight of the rotten pup who had caught him unawares that morning, was tantamount to admitting that the Akita had actually hurt him, and he'd be damned if he'd give the cur that satisfaction. Granted, he'd gotten a bit of his own back, and as a rule he wasn't one to let himself stay angry for too long. It nettled him that Benedict had more or less ordered both of them to stay in sight of each other, in the living room of the dragon's house, until he came back from his self-proclaimed "secret mission" at the college's field house. Eoin was no slave, in any sense of the word, but he still felt duty to the great dragon, so he shoved down his sense of being forced to babysit the mentally unstable houseguest for several hours. It wasn't how he'd wanted to spend his Friday afternoon.
The Saluki even refused himself the luxury of a sigh of frustration. He redoubled his efforts to focus on the various details involved in the more mechanical aspects of architectural design. He had an instinctual feel for what made a building look good, feel good, allow form and function to caress one another rather than argue over who was to be more dominant in the structural relationship. Even with that touch of near-genius, however, he was constrained by the laws of physics and construction, and though it chafed somewhat, he gave himself over to the continued study required to make his visions into reality.
A soft throat-clearing preceded the Akita's fourth attempt at conversation over the past elongated hour. Eoin braced himself, trying not to bristle as the pup spoke softly. "May I use one of your sketch pads?"
"Planning to make a paper airplane?" the older canine muttered sourly.
"I feel the need to do something with my paws."
Eoin looked up with the most withering expression he could muster, accompanied by a voice dripping in sarcasm. "You could always beat off, instead of beating up someone else for a change."
The younger dog, ears splayed, cast his eyes down for a moment before murmuring, "I just want to draw a little."
Several thoughts passed through the Saluki's mind at about the same time. One was another caustic comment, this one regarding stick figures and misshapen penises on public lavatory walls. One was a simple string of obscenities that would ultimately form a request not to be bothered any further. Interestingly, one was a generous curiosity about the Akita's skill. Eoin was not, by nature, someone to cling to anger; had he been, Benedict would likely have lost interest in him within hours - about the amount of time it would have taken him to become bored with the merely physical. The young architect-to-be did have his better nature, and as a rule, he would much rather give in to it than to the anger. For the moment, however, the frustration would not release him fully.
Wordlessly, he picked up one of his drawing pads and passed it over to the Akita. He was going to toss him a pencil as well, but he didn't trust that he would toss the miniature spear in a wholly friendly manner. He leaned over and let Parker take the pencil gingerly from his paw with a murmured thank-you and downcast eyes. After a few seconds, he returned his gaze to the textbook that he was forcing himself to absorb and tried to ignore the sounds of graphite to processed wood pulp. He loved to draw, and he really wished he could get back to it, but for now, he was stuck with facts, figures, and extremely dull diagrams.
He found it easy to imagine Benedict gently chastising him, reminding him that few things in any college class were truly "worthless" (although, the professor admitted, a few allegedly "classic" American writers should probably be discreetly ignored). No knowledge is worthless if it can lead to a greater understanding of one's world. It's perfectly possible to go through one's life never using any higher level algebra, but understanding how it worked was a powerful tool to have in the back pocket of your mind's most comfortable pair of dungarees. Being a self-described "fashion plate," the drake did enjoy his clothing metaphors, almost to the point of breaking them.
Readjusting his posture in the chair along with his thinking, Eoin let himself become more involved in his text than before. It was dry reading, but as Benedict had noted, it was important and, if he let himself play with some of the information as support for structural ideas that he'd been toying with, it became at least a little more tolerable. He was sufficiently absorbed in the text to realize all at once that a great many minutes had passed, and Parker had been trying to speak with him. When he looked up, he was surprised to see a soft, slightly pained expression on the pup's muzzle, his ears splayed nearly flat. "What did you say?"
Inhaling slowly, the Akita spoke almost in a whisper. "You look a lot like him."
"Him, who?"
"I don't know." Parker's eyes were half closed, wet with unborn tears. "He's a face I see sometimes, in dreams, or in nightmares. I can never get a truly clear picture of him. White fur, a long muzzle... canine, but I don't know much more. I keep thinking he's... important, somehow, but I don't know how. I thought maybe if I tried to draw him... or you..."
The former footballer turned the pad around and held it out for Eoin's inspection. The elder dog was startled to see a work of no little native talent. It was a bit rough around the edges, perhaps because of speed or lack of practice, but it was good. Surprisingly good. Considering that the Saluki had almost certainly been sulking, frowning, or otherwise molding his muzzle into a negative expression, it was amazing how Parker had managed to find the smile that the picture possessed, or at least the slightly snarky yet still affectionate turn of the lip. The overall picture was of Eoin; the heart of the sketch belonged to someone else.
"This is good."
The Akita looked away.
"Parker, I'm not just being polite. I've just spent most of this day hating your guts, if truth be told. And I'm shamed by that. I don't usually hold a grudge." He looked at the picture again, studied it, felt it. "I think I know why I did, though. And I think I know why you hit me." The athlete kept his eyes away from the Saluki, but Eoin continued. "It's because I'm not him."
"Dunno what..." The lie died a-birthing on Parker's lips.
"This picture. Skill is one thing, and this shows you've got some. But it shows something else. It shows heart." The elder canine braced himself, daring to say the words. "Zachary... you loved him, didn't you?"
The Akita visibly cringed, but he didn't react with anger. He seemed to fold into himself. The _shimufori-tora_salt-and-pepper brindle of his fur rippled as if he were cold or frightened. Contrary to all that he'd experienced during this day, the Saluki felt the sudden urge to jump up and cuddle the pup, to offer comfort against what was clearly a painful experience, if the look on Parker's face was anything to go by. He held back. Sudden moves were not a good idea just now. He all but held his breath and waited.
Long moments passed before the younger canine spoke, and even then, it was barely a whisper. "You can't love who you don't know."
Eoin unfolded himself a little in his chair, slowly, trying to appear more open without actually moving too close to the Akita. "Zachary... I'm not Benedict. I'm not even someone you know, really. I'll shut up and just sit here quietly, if you prefer, but if I can help..."
"Why would you want to?"
"I also return shopping carts left out in the middle of parking lots." The Saluki let his slightly tender lips smile. It didn't hurt. Not much, anyway. "Maybe just because I know what it feels like to be hurt."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not talking about that."
"Neither am I."
The athlete's eyebrows went up suddenly, and he looked at Eoin with something like fear in his eyes. It was clear that he hadn't meant to let his thoughts simply express themselves without thinking. He didn't say so, but the elder dog knew something about that feeling also. Benedict was a past master at eliciting unguarded statements from his clients. It wasn't Eoin's intention, but he'd somehow managed the trick on his own. Unfortunately, he wasn't nearly as clear about what he should do next.
Parker got to his hind paws, and the Saluki jumped up as well. The Akita paused, then said, "I want to go to my room."
"Benedict said we should stay in sight of each other. He's worried about you."
"Do you do everything he says?"
Eoin was about to answer when Parker surprised him with a low chuckle.
"I'm sorry. That's really a loaded question, isn't it?"
The Saluki allowed himself a smile. "I guess it could be, yeah."
"I just want to be alone for a while."
"I know." Eoin felt some hurt in his chest, despite the circumstances. "Can you wait a little longer? I'll call Benedict, if it will help."
"He said not to call."
"Then I guess I don't do everything he says." The elder dog laughed softly, and after a moment, Parker joined in. "Zachary, neither of us intends you to be a prisoner..."
"...but I might do something stupid. I know." The athlete looked away sighing. "I might not even know I'm doing it. I don't usually run away from a fight. I mean..." He shook his head, raised a forepaw palm out. "I don't mean... I guess I'm thinking of this as, like, a fight for my mind or something. Makes me feel like someone..."
Again, the Akita shivered violently, nearly losing his footing. "Zachary?"
"I'm okay, I'm..." He steadied himself against the back of the chair he'd been sitting in. "It's just a memory. Benedict said I might start remembering things, and some of it has already..." He made a visible effort to breathe slowly. "I feel pretty stupid right now. I'm remembering... it was just a voice on the phone, there's no reason..."
Eoin felt his blood turn to ice. "Konstantin," he whispered.
The Akita looked up sharply, his eyes narrowing, then widening again. "You've heard him."
"He called here. For Benedict." Despite his recalling all that Benedict had told him about keeping himself calm in the presence of that memory, Eoin found himself sitting back down in his chair without really willing himself to. It took him a moment to realize that Parker had moved to the side of the chair and knelt down, a look on his muzzle that could be read as deep understanding.
"He left a message for me, on my phone... he made me forget... he made me..." The younger dog shivered again, his tail leaping with the contraction. "Why am I so afraid of a voice?"
"Because of what's behind it. Benedict told me a little about Konstantin - enough that I hope I never have to meet him. He feels..." It was the Saluki's turn to shake, without any real understanding of why or any real means of suppressing it.
"Evil."
The word hung in the air between the two canines as if it were its own presence, a manifestation called forth by daring to utter its name. They reached out almost as one until their forepaws touched and held each other, trembling. Eoin felt a cry try to build in his throat, and he choked it back down. He would not let himself give in to fear, would not let Parker see exactly how much that voice had frightened him that night. It was then that he realized that the athlete's face told the same story. A nervous bark of laughter, tinged with hysteria, left the grad student's lips. "I must really look like the scared pansy-fag."
Parker's head moved slowly from side to side. "There's some things it's better to be scared of. And I don't think you'd back down. I'd rather have you on my side, in a fight. And this feels like a fight."
"Against... what?"
"I'm not sure. Against losing my mind or something."
Thinking back on something Benedict had told him a long time ago, Eoin chanced his arm and spoke slowly. "Zachary... it's usually better to fight for something instead of _against_something. I don't mean to sound preachy or anything. You can blame it on my being around Benedict so much."
The Akita managed a small smile. "He's not exactly subtle about it, is he?"
"He's huge, crimson, and flamboyant. I don't think 'subtle' is in his vocabulary!" Eoin let his own lips mirror the athlete's. "He's so full of aphorisms, he should be sprayed for them, like pest control. He popped that one out, about fighting for instead of against, in one of our first talks."
"You talk?" Parker's face screwed up as his mind registered what he'd said. "I meant...! Crap, you know what I meant. I'm more like a patient, and you're his..."
Eoin's voice was soft. "Say the word."
"You're his... lover."
"Yes." The Saluki nodded softly. "I am his lover. And his friend, his companion, occasionally his masseur, and sometimes even his cook. He's my mentor, and guide, and shoulder to cry on, and my lover. And sometimes, we have sex together too."
Parker laughed. "WTMI!"
"I said that for a reason." Eoin's voice was serious, but not somber. "I love Benedict very much, and he loves me. And not all of that is about the sex. It's a distinction that I think you might find important. I said before that you loved the male in that picture. I wasn't trying to say that you're gay."
A mixture of emotions crossed the younger dog's face as he tried to find words. "What if I am?"
"What if you are?"
"I..." Eoin felt Parker's forepaws grip his own almost painfully. "I can't be."
The Saluki caught the words _Why not_before they could escape his lips. They weren't the right words, although he couldn't have explained why he felt that to be true. "Then maybe you're not. You don't have to be gay to love another male, that's all I'm saying. Brothers love each other, fathers and sons, uncles and nephews, best friends..."
"No family." There was no emphasis in the athlete's words. "Never had family."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I'm okay."
Neither canine spoke a correction to those words. They held each other's forepaws for a moment longer before finally releasing the touch. Eoin was slightly surprised to discover that he actually missed it when it was gone. He knew the old saying of Kautilya, that "The enemy of my enemy is my friend," but there was more to it. He felt that there was something more than merely having felt that touch of evil. For one thing, it had clearly done more than merely touch Parker. And that thought, by itself, blossomed into the words that poured from him before he could think twice about stopping them.
"Zachary... let me help you."
The Akita stood slowly, looking down at the Saluki with an expression that defied description. He didn't turn and run, he didn't speak, for a long moment he seemed even not to breathe. Eoin had no idea if he should prepare to fight, to flee, or to welcome the athlete into a comforting embrace.
"I don't..." Parker blinked a few times. "I don't know what to do."
Weighing several options in the space of a heartbeat, the young grad student ended up merely shaking his head slowly. "I don't think I do either. But I can tell you what Benedict does when he feels confused about what choice to make."
"I'm listening."
"He makes coffee."
The athlete blinked once more.
"Or he goes and gets his favorite blend at Extra Credit. I don't know if they're open, but--"
Eoin stopped speaking as Parker let fly with a belly laugh that literally shook him down to the ground. He collapsed onto the plush living room carpet as if his legs had been caught in a fourth-and-goal tackle by a fullback twice his size. He managed to break his fall easily enough, but after that, he wrapped his arms around himself and laughed so hard that Eoin couldn't help but get the giggles himself, and shortly after, he too was in full cry, leaning back in his chair and howling loudly enough that he didn't hear the front door open and close, nor the pawfalls that made their cautious way into a scene that Benedict could not have predicted if he'd wanted to. Unfortunately for the dragon, explanations would have to wait, because one glimpse of the perplexed look on the dragon's muzzle, coupled with the tiny wisp of smoke from his nostril that (Eoin would have sworn on his life) curled up and made a question mark in the air in front of him, sent both younger males into fresh paroxysms of hysteria that would leave both of them sore for hours.