I'll be strong for you...
#2 of To Love a Crow
I am in love with a certain crow who actually lives several thousand miles from me and I have this phase I go through every time he comes to visit (or more accurately, when he has to leave again). Normally I don't let people see that side of me, but that's why I created this folder I guess, a tribute to my crow. n.n
There is a darkness behind the joy you see, but it's a darkness I face for you. Be strong, no tears, you asked this of me the first time we had to part ways and I was, I still am. As we step out the door after so many days of being able to hold you, of feeling safe in your arms, I can hardly feel the weight of the luggage I'm helping to load into the car. After all, I want to be strong for you.
Every inch, every mile that passes is another moment I get to hold on to you just a little longer, but even as we snuggle I'm holding back. I want to cry, to cling to you and to fight every inch because I can't stand the thought that tomorrow I'll wake up to an empty house again. I have little trinkets you've left behind to remind me of you, they carry your scent for a while too, I'll catch myself curling up with them some nights too, but for now I just snuggle up to you and enjoy the passing scenery as we approach the airport. After all, I want to keep my promise, no tears.
We say our goodbyes, a kiss, a long embrace and then I step back, fade away into the car and into the distance. I never look back to see you walk in, if I did you'd see that the moment we part, all the walls I've been fighting to keep in place are quickly crumbling. When I walk through the door again, into that house that has become so much colder it's like something breaks. It's like a river through a broken dam, all the sorrow, all the tears I've been holding back. I want to scream your name, to feel your touch again if even for a moment, just to remind myself that you'll always come back for me. I know you will, but all I can see at that moment is an empty bed..
I want to be strong for you, not because you asked me to just once the first time we met, but because I love you with all of my heart and soul. What we have is so precious to me, regardless of that little curse that we joke about. I want to be strong for you because I don't want the last memories you have of our time spent together to reflect that darkness. All the tears, all the sorrow is like a river and I hold them back as long as I can so you don't get swept up in them too.