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Pawford Ch 7: Lost in Thought copyright 2014 comidacomida

Life got in the way of seeing CJ for awhile after that night. It wasn't that I was avoiding him and it wasn't I was purposefully finding other things to do-- we just had something of a hiatus. While I suppose on the surface having only one real friend and not getting any time to spend with him might seem like a bummer of a deal, but I have to admit, one good thing did come out of it: I had plenty of time to analyze things which, considering CJ's suggestion that I DON'T ended up meaning I didn't take his advice.

See... despite having spent a fair amount of time in college I never did any of that 'experimentation' stuff you always hear about-- I was just too busy going to classes. I didn't party and I didn't drink to excess; I didn't do drugs and I didn't have anonymous sex with random partners; I certainly hadn't ever 'experimented' with another guy, and that kind of thing took some time to wrap my brain around when it finally happened. Really, that meant I had time to go over the events of that night at CJ's over and over again. Honestly, I think it really helped me realize what it was: a growing bond. Reflecting on CJ time wasn't all I was doing, of course; there was work... lots and LOTS of work.

My days mostly consisted of lots of paperwork. Since the permit-heavy season was upon us, it seemed like everyone in town wanted to do some kind of home improvement, construction, or property rezoning. While a lot of that was outside the scope of my position with the city I ended up getting it handed to me since there wasn't anyone else formally in charge of it. Working six days a week was the norm for the next month and a half and, if nothing else, it kept my mind just busy enough that I didn't overanalyze my last evening with CJ.

That's the funny thing-- it didn't end up getting weird. Before finding 'the love of my life' in Liz I'd had a few failed relationships... the worst of which had been this one girl I'd worked with at a movie theater one summer. We'd gotten together for a few dates at and the end of our final one we got a little... intimate. After that... well... things most certainly DID get weird. None of that happened with CJ though and, despite the fact that we had gone a lot farther than I ever figured I would with another guy, there wasn't that sense of distance even if it HAD been over a month since we'd seen one another.

Sure, we'd shared a few phone calls back and forth, but, strangely enough, those short exchanges went well. One day I'd call him to check in and see how things were going at the garage; the next time he'd call me to see if I was still buried in paperwork. His answer was usually 'busy' and my answer was invariably 'yea'. Considering it was approaching the end of the summer there was no small amount of need for a tow truck (CJ was helping out Locker as a backup driver) and on my end everyone was rushing to get their permits approved-- simply put: we were both swamped, and personal time wasn't exactly on the schedule.

I remember a specifically powerful call we'd shared toward the end of our no face-to-face contact. It all started when I had somehow managed to get all of my paperwork finished and even had a few hours to work on a fresh proposal involving a land purchaser's request to develop a new subdivision on the east side of town. For the first time in weeks I was all ready to head out of the office and it was only about an hour after my scheduled time off. I was so taken back by the fact that I actually had an evening to use I decided I'd reach out to CJ and see if he had somehow managed to have the same good fortune.

Locker answered the phone when I called the shop and let me know that CJ was out for the day. Something about the Pitbull's response gave me the impression that it wasn't that the Rottweiler was out on a call-- he just wasn't working. Considering that didn't sound like the CJ I knew I figured the only possible recourse was to give him a call. The phone rang several times before going to voicemail. Chalking the lack of communication up to yet another round of failure-to-connect, I got into my car and had just buckled my seatbelt when my cell rang; checking the caller ID I saw that it was CJ.

I was kind yet firm, "Oh good, your phone DOES work."

CJ was suitably polite in response, "Oh bite me... it's been a busy day."

The friendly greeting out of the way, I figured I'd put my curiosity to rest. "Locker said you weren't in the office so I figured I'd try your cell. It must be pretty crazy there if you're out this late doing a service call for him."

I could hear the Rottweiler's sigh clearly through the phone, "Nah... other way around, actually. There's just been a lot going on lately I needed to take some time off so he's watching the garage for me today and has Hoss running the truck."

Something about his tone had me worried, "Everything alright CJ?"

The delay before his response further concerned me, "...yea... just tired."

It was obvious I wasn't getting anywhere so I decided the best thing to do would be to let him stay tight-lipped, "Alright... well, I was just checking in since I checked out early today-- I figured if you had some time we might go down to Arizona's and grab a beer."

Yet another delay from him and it worried me even more. "Nah... that's alright, Derrek... probably just gonna turn in early tonight. I'm really sorry about the lack of communication lately... just a--

"A lot going on... yea."

He apologized again, "Sorry."

There was obviously something wrong, and, for a moment I was worried that HE might have been the one weirded out by our last night together. I knew I wouldn't get to the bottom of things, and decided to see if I could at least banish a little of the storm cloud that hovered over the conversation by using my secret weapon: the phonetic pronunciation of his Green Name initials. "Alright... get some rest, Seej... be sure to check in when you're feeling better-- Pawford's boring without you."

THAT finally got a chuckle out of him, "Right... I will. Oh-- Derrek?"

"Hmm?"

I heard a smile in his voice, "Thanks for the call. Really. I appreciate it."

Unable to pass up the chance to flick some grief in his direction I went for it, "No problem... just remember next time I call to consider taking me up on my offer to go out."

"I know... once things calm down I will. Honest."

I couldn't pass up the chance to flick him just a little grief, "Good... if you don't I might just have to ask Hoss to join me for some drinks, and you KNOW that could end up being dangerous to my health."

The chuckle from him sounded just a little more genuine, "Thanks, Derrek. I will-- I promise. I'm sorry. And, just so you don't start doing that overanalyzing thing you do, I'm NOT avoiding you... just sayin'."

I started up the engine, "Alright. Get some rest and I'll follow up with you again soon. Take it easy, Seej."

His mood honestly did seem a little better, "See ya later, monkey."

While my first inclination was to leave it at that, a little itch in the back of my mind just wouldn't let things lay. I'm naturally an inquisitive person but I wouldn't say I'm overtly curious-- understanding peoples' strange moods are a particular weakness of mine however. I could have chalked CJ's non-socialable mood to the fact that he'd been busy lately; I could have reasoned it away as exhaustion; it was possible that he just had some errands to run that had been put off so long due to the increased workload during the day... but I wasn't about to simply settle for theories.

I resolved at that moment that I would take the time to visit CJ at the garage the next day-- if HE felt that things had 'gotten weird' I at least wanted to know... and, if not then there was more to his mood than he was willing to admit. The Rottweiler was my friend and I wanted to know if I could somehow help with whatever had gotten him down. I hadn't realized it at the time, but it turned out to be something he'd never experienced before: someone willing to push the issue until he came clean... and that was something I've always been very good at.

Despite the workload that crossed my desk the next day I made a point of completing what I could and dumping everything else into my already full 'to do' box. I gave cursory farewells to everyone that saw me heading out-- nobody objected since technically I didn't HAVE TO work late. I got a series of waves and a chorus of "Goodnight"s, and then I was out into the parking lot. Before starting my car I checked my cell for messages and saw that I had missed one. I remedied that before starting the engine since I hated the idea of being on the phone and driving at the same time. It turned out to be CJ.

"Hey, Derrek. Just wanted to follow up with you about last night. I really have had a lot going on lately and I didn't want you to think I was ducking out or blowing you off. What I mean is that I don't think I was really going to be good company so I figured the best thing to do was to just take a pass. Gimme a call when you get a chance. Take it easy, okay?"

While the message did make me feel better about the prior night I was already committed; after a month and a half I figured a face-to-face was long overdue. I wasn't sure I would bring up that night at CJ's, but I WAS sure that I missed my best friend, and he was worth setting some time aside. I drove across town and pulled into the parking lot of CJ's garage, taking note of the three trucks in the side lot; Locker, Hoss, and CJ were all there.

I showed myself in, ignoring the jingle of the bell attached to the door. Locker was leaning against the front counter, pointing out different lines on some paperwork laid down between himself and a Boxer I guessed was probably a few years my junior. The Pitbull gave he a quick glance followed by a greeting, "Be with ya in just a minute, Derrek."

The Boxer looked over to me before staring back down at the paper. He rubbed the side of his muzzle, "Jesus... how can it cost THAT much to repair an old Honda? I mean... that's practically more than I bought it for!"

Locker was very frank in his answer, "Sorry Ben... when you buy a piece of shit you learn pretty quick the deal stinks."

Rather than be put off by the blunt response the Boxer just nodded his head, "Yea... my mom said I shoulda brought it here before I got it to have you or Hoss look it over first. Guess I screwed the cat there."

The Pitbull looked my way after nodding, "Go ahead and take a seat, Derrek... just finishing up with Ben here."

Apparently the Boxer was so caught up in the transaction he hadn't paid any attention to the bell. He turned around to regard me so I returned the favor. I guessed at the time that he was probably in his late teens, and learned later I wasn't far off-- just over 20. I also noticed that he looked a LOT like one of my coworkers; one of the Dogs in the County Recorder's office was a brindle boxer just like the teen. I kept it simple. "Hey."

He responded in kind, "Hey."

Figuring he was still facing me, I ventured a guess, "You're Lacy's son, right? Around-the-Bend...?"

He nodded simply and looked back to Locker, "So... can I maybe give you a little on this now and do the rest when I get my next paycheck?"

Locker nodded, "Yea... sure, kid. Two hundred now and the other three next check. Sign there, and there. Initial there... and tell your mom to hit you with a rolled up newspaper next time you don't listen to her about seeing me before buying a car."

Ben's response was bland, "Yea... thanks, Locker."

The Pitbull nodded, but his attention was already on me, "So... what's up?"

I gave a few moments for Ben get his paperwork together and head out before I spoke, "Just stopped by to say hi and look in on how things were going. Haven't seen you guys lately and figured I'd grace you all with my presence."

Locker responded with a laugh followed up by a firm punch to my shoulder, "That's why I like you, Derrek... you're not an uptight prick. Go ahead on back. I'm pretty sure CJ should be in the garage somewhere."

The 'compliment' wasn't lost on me, and I accepted the invitation when he opened the back door for me. "Thanks."

The garage was pretty the same on my second walk through as it was on my first. There were two cars on the lift and a huge collection of parts, tools, and various pieces of mechanical devices strewn about but, most importantly, was the walkway created by the two yellow lines. I followed them through the work area looking for CJ. The back door was open and I caught sight of the Rottweiler sitting on the steps. Rather than linger in the garage like I'd done the last time I went straight out and took a seat next to him.

He had his paws wrapped around a beer and the dog tags he usually wore hung from the first two fingers of his left paw. CJ gazed down at his drink, completely wrapped up in his thoughts. He was obviously so preoccupied that he actually jumped a little when he realized I was there with him. "Oh! Uh... hi... Derrek."

I asked a question I already knew the answer to, "You alright?"

His answer was predictable despite the usually truthful Dog telling a lie, "Oh? Uh... yea... just... thinking."

I'd encountered him in the same state of mind the last time we'd gone camping but this time I wasn't about to let it slide, "About?"

CJ cleared his throat and set his beer down. The Rottweiler was obviously using the physical activity to avoid providing a response. It wasn't until he had his dog tags back on that he answered, "Just... stuff."

I realized that I'd pushed a little too hard by that point but, even though I wasn't ready to give up I figured it'd be best to go a little easier. I followed up with a slightly more approachable question, "Anything you feel like talk about, Seej?"

He picked up his beer and drained the last of it before returning the empty bottle to the porch, "Nah... s'okay."

I shrugged, letting a silence fall between us; it wasn't the usual comfortable kind, so I broke it with a question, "You done for the day?"

He nodded, "Yea... was thinking about finishing closing up here and going out to go grab some dinner."

I nodded at the comment, suddenly not really sure where we stood in our interaction, "Oh... yea... glad to hear you aren't swamped today."

Something suddenly changed in the Rottweiler's demeanor when he looked to me and offered a strangely vulnerable smile, "I'm free if you want to join me."

My return smile added a little strength to his, and my answer seemed to help chase away some of his lingering clouds, "Why don't we head over to my place? I have a few steaks I was meaning to grill up anyway."

He nodded, and his smile looked just a little more genuine, "Sounds good."

* * * * * *

I never claimed to be a chef, but I know my way around the kitchen just fine. While it IS true that CJ can run circles around me when a campfire cook-off is the name of a game I can hold my own when I have the benefit of a charcoal grill... and that was EXACTLY what I had that night. Dinner was pretty straight forward: steaks and corn with some potatoes and carrots. The first two were grilled and the second two were handled in the kitchen.

Through it all CJ hung out; we shared a few more beers and talked about anything and nothing. It seemed like we had never been apart. He helped out here and there while I cooked and, for awhile it seemed like he was overcoming whatever it was that had been bothering him. By the time we were done eating he had withdrawn again, absently running his paw across his shirt where I knew the dog tags were hiding beneath. It had been a good evening together, but I risked bringing up his troubles again.

We were seated on the sofa, each finishing off our final beer for the night. That's when I asked him, "So... what's really going on, CJ?"

I wasn't entirely surprised when he got evasive, "Just tired, Derrek... you know how it's been lately."

I pressed the issue lightly, "Somehow I don't think those tags have anything to do with your extra work load."

He pulled his paw away from his shirt when he realized what he was doing and folded his fingers together in his lap. "Nah... I guess they don't."

The answer wasn't as evasive as his others, and so I took the opportunity to try and get him to open up, "Whose were they?"

Strangely, for the first time since I started trying, it worked. "My brother's."

I slid just a little closer on the sofa, staring at the TV, which was off, and offered up the best invitation I could think of, "Do you want to... talk about it?"

He shook his head, and out of the corner of my eye I saw his lips pull back into what I thought almost looked like he was about to sneeze, or, worse, like he was going to snarl. When I looked straight at him, however, I realized that he was fighting back tears. He did manage to keep his voice from cracking, but only barely. "Not really."

One thing I'd learned with Liz about the way some people react to others trying to help is that people have one of two styles: communicating to let things be said or communicating in search of feedback. Although I'd known CJ for awhile by that time we'd never really addressed HIS problems so it was hard to know how to react... so I did the most encouraging, least insistent thing I could think of: I just nodded, "Alright."

We sat in silence for several seconds then, suddenly he spoke up, "He died... four years ago on Monday."

I really didn't know how to respond; I was an only child so I'd never had that kind of relationship. My grandfather passed away, but I knew enough to realize that whatever CJ felt at the loss of a sibling wasn't the same, so I did all I could have done: I nodded, and reached out to place a hand on the back of his paw, "I'm sorry."

Those two words had a profound effect. No longer interested in holding back, the Rottweiler took hold of my hand and pulled me in for a hug. I wasn't sure really who was holding who; was I comforting him from a position of strength like an emotional rock for him to grasp, or was I a soft, secure comfort like a beloved childhood teddy bear? It really didn't matter, I guess because the effect was the same: we sat on the couch together, in one another's arms, and CJ cried against my chest.

We stayed like that for awhile... well after the tears had stopped and we simply held one another because that's what he needed. He eventually sat back, unwrapping his arms from around me, but I found that one of his paws still sought out my hand. We returned to sitting facing the television, which remained off... and the silence that followed had once again become comfortable. He gave my hand a squeeze and I realized that things would be alright.

Although it was the middle of the week, CJ ended up spending the night at my place. I made up the couch for him, but we both ended up settling down onto it to talk until almost 2am. He told me about growing up with his brother, a huge, outgoing Rottweiler that made him seem small and aloof in comparison. AJ was his name, and the family had been overjoyed when he decided to enlist into the army's engineering corp after high school.

He became the local hero for his service to the country helping to keep peace in the Middle East, but it became a local tragedy the day some military Dog showed up to deliver the news to the family. The garage wasn't originally destined for CJ but, after his brother passed away, it only made sense that he take it over. So it went, without anyone ever hearing a word about CJ's sorrow or his loss... he just toughed it out and stuck with it. I was the only one he'd ever expressed those things to, and I felt honored.

There was something reaffirming being there with my best friend. As I came to understand CJ had always been the strong one for those around him. He had always been relied upon to be what others needed... to help when help was desired and to create order when others suffered from chaos. He had never had someone to whom he could turn when he was in pain... when he needed comforting... when he needed that support. Without meaning to, I became that one person he could hold onto, and it was something I came to treasure. Our closeness grew that night... but not in as physical a way as it did two weeks later.