FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Running, I was running. I was running so fast that my lungs were burning and my legs feeling the ache of stretching out too long under me. He was behind me, I knew he was, I could hear him, I could hear his breathing and the sound of his paws hitting the ground. I saw my opening, I reached out and grabbed the railing with one paw, desperately clutching it before swinging around in a wide circle and scrabbling to catch the stairs that would lead me down the hill. The muffled curse behind me let me know that I had evaded him and the surge of triumph was sent away as a flash of white went by me, skidding down the hill so fast that I couldn't hope to catch up to him even if I took the stairs two at a time. The white-blonde hair flashed and the twin braids bounced wildly as my 'foe' got to the bottom of the hill before I did and his paws hit the walkway that would lead towards the main building.

The fox was quick, far quicker than he should have been given the fact that he was so much shorter than I was and he had never been a part of the track team, but there was no hope for me catching up now. I finally just slowed my pace, my jaws open and panting shallowly as I tried to pretend I hadn't been all out running towards work. By the time I reached the main doors Sanmer waited with a grin on his face, his ever present goggles were tilted askew as he held the door open and flicked his plush tail back and forth. He wasn't wearing his normal lab coat, instead he was dressed in his normal loose business shirt and slacks. The long twin braids fell down along his back, the tips just barely peeping out along the curve of his hips. He boasted the longest head fur I'd ever seen on anyone, male or female, and his green eyes were twinkling merrily.

"Fox." I growled affectionately and stepped into the blast of warm air that was flooding the interior of my work place. It was almost too warm after my run, but the chill of the fall air warranted it. "You got your shirt dirty with that trick."

"And earned a free lunch." Sanmer smirked and stepped in behind me, looking pleased with himself. "You owe me today, and you'll be lucky if you don't end up adding some interest to that as well."

"Only because you cheat." I ran my paws through my mane, frowning as the long edges tangled around my fingers and I pulled them free.

"When you know how to bet, we can try again and maybe you'll win." He winked brightly, his tail swaying behind him with good humor.

He was always in good humor, though his wit had a bite to it, I'd learned that my first week working at Lansing Security Co. I'd seen him having a bit of a fight in one of the little cafes, well, not a fight by my own standards, but an argument. A lean looking antelope had been picking at him verbally, small barbed comments meant to rouse him, a lot of herbivores did that, they seemed to like knowing we couldn't do much back. One fight between us and them and we'd get 'tagged' as dangerous or worse. Sanmer hadn't needed to use his body to fight, he'd used his tongue, flaying the antelope verbally with insults that made me flush. And I had grown up with a man who had used foul language as a matter of course, but the fox had known some phrases that had my ears pinned back. So, I had come to him nervously when Solare had given me my job.

Sanmer had proved to be a far better coworker than I could have hoped for, he was in his last year of med school, but was working here to make things balance out. He was a transfer from one of the northern city, but a larger one that had allowed him to garner a more in depth education. He'd gone to an ivy league college, before he'd come here and enrolled in a state sponsored college that didn't boast a state of the line program. He didn't seem bothered by it, in fact, he seemed to thrive here and never commented about the differences in programs. Though, I didn't exactly understand what the lure was, save that he was like a kid in a candy shop in Lansing's labs, he was constantly going on about the new machines and systems being brought in, murmuring about the new advances as sweetly as any lover.

I was a 'gopher' or at least, that's what it was loosely called. I was assigned based on where they needed, where skill didn't count so much as having another body. Sometimes I watched the video feeds, sometimes I worked doing janitorial work, but often I worked in the small tech lab that they had sectioned off on one of the lower levels. It sounded exciting, but really all I did was mark down what the computer told me so that Sanmer and the rest could work on more important matters. There was nothing glorious about my job, but it paid well and that's what mattered, and it offered me benefits, which CJ had made explicitly clear would be needed in the future.

"Where you workin' today?" Sanmer paused as we passed through one of the security check points. "You down in the dungeon with me?"

"No." I wrinkled my nose a little bit in amusement. "I'm going to be doing some clean up, they're apparently going to extend patrols further out and they need help getting it prepped."

"Ha!" The fox lolled his bright red tongue out playfully. "You're doing grunt work, no wonder you were so worried about getting your clothes soiled."

I growled wordlessly, but he turned away with his tail nearly hitting my nose as he did so. I knew better than to try and banter with him, he'd end up winning and I'd end up looking silly. Instead, I waved him away and trotted down a side hall towards the locker rooms where I could get dressed to go out. Clean-up work wasn't so bad, it just meant that I had to go out past the wall with some others and security to remove a lot of the bush and places could attract cover for people moving outside the city after dark. It was honestly kinda nice to get out and stretch my legs, I had never really gone out before, at least not that I could remember. The breeze, the open areas, the way they stretched out towards plains and forests always made me feel vulnerable and small, but at the same time they appealed to me. It almost made me understand why Jonty was so keen to go past the wall.

I flinched as I stepped into the locker room, trying not to grimace at the thought of my younger brother, or my family. They weren't my family anymore, he wasn't my brother. At least, that's what I tried to convince myself. Jonty wouldn't speak to me, at least, not much. He looked at me with a pained expression when I tried to approach him, his eyes guarded and he'd mumble a few words before leaving. And that was when I saw him, which wasn't often. It made my stomach turn to have him walk away from me, he had never been that sort. I didn't understand why, I wanted to help him, I wanted him to know that he could leave too. Ivan had told me that there were a few fights at my house, but nothing truly awful, so it left me feeling helpless. It nearly distracted me from school, the last few weeks dragged on while my mind had been elsewhere, but with Stefan and CJ's help I had at least managed to pull my act together.

I graduated high school, I got my diploma, but I had done so without my proud family standing in the audience. There are no words to describe the pang I felt looking out at the families that were gathered in the audience while I stood alone. Stefan had been there, CJ had come too, though he had been later due to work, still it had been something. It hadn't filled the hole in my heart, the pang that my mother hadn't been there, my brother. They should have been there, I knew that she had never graduated high school, she would have been so proud, so terribly proud. I had hoped she would at least find a way, but there had only an empty seat. She had done what she had said, she had given me freedom, but it still hurt, it still ached. I sighed and gave my head a rough shake back and forth before pulling open the locker door. There hadn't been a day gone by that I didn't think of her, of Jonty, but there was nothing I could do. I was helpless. All I could do was try to set them aside.

Not that it works. I dragged out the uniform with a sigh. Today, at least, I'd be too busy working on clean up to really linger on thoughts of my estranged family. It was something at least.

~ ~ * ~ ~

The dim lights of my apartment greeted my eyes as I pushed open my door and tried to ignore the ache running along my back and shoulders. It took me a moment to fumble for the light switch and when it turned on I squinted my eyes against the bright light. I felt the normal disorientation at seeing the modest living room. Every time I saw it, it felt as if it shouldn't have been mine. It should have belonged to someone else, it didn't feel like home, it didn't feel right. The dark tan couch was tucked away in the corner, the TV set and the end table. None of it really matched, but most of it had been purchased second hand. It didn't matter that it matched, it was good quality and Stefan had assured me that that was more important starting out than having everything match perfectly. The only thing that had been the bed in the bedroom, everything else had come from second hand stores.

It was in one of the lower rent areas of town, but not a bad area, it was still high end enough that it consisted of mostly college students and blue collar workers. It was a part of an old house that had been converted, and the apartment showed it's start in life in the way things were situated and the oddness of the walls and how they curved. I liked it, I liked the polished hard wood floors and the warm tan color of the walls, but it wasn't home and it still felt weird. I looked around as I scuffed my paws on the rug and shrugged out of my jacket to hang up on one of the pegs. It would feel better, I would get used to it, I had only lived here for the last month and a half, it was still bound to feel odd to me. And I had time to make it my own.

I was drawn to the blinking green light in the kitchen and I picked up the phone as I made my way to the bedroom to get stripped down so I could get a shower. It only took a few awkward pecks of my finger to get to my voice mail, trying to balance the thing on my shoulder as I leaned against the bedroom wall and started to wriggle out of my pants. I didn't bother hitting the lights as I walked in.

"Hey! Where've you been? I'm off this weekend I'm getting some of the team together to hit the game at the school, give us a shout and come with!" Ollie's voice cheerfully echoed in my ear as I kicked off my pants into the pile of clothes that I needed to wash.

"Shall!" Ivan's voice was booming and so loud I straightened up to pull the phone from my ear. "Gimme a call! I wanna have you come up this weekend! Found one of the Packs I'm getting' into."

The message turned into laughter and I sighed and hit the delete button, trying to keep the brush of guilt from rising up. Ivan had gotten into college, but he had done so in one of the more liberal northern cities. He didn't call often, but when he did he seemed to be at a party or out at a bar, trying to earn his way into one of the pack fraternities.

"END OF MESSAGES." The female mechanical voice informed me before I hung up the phone and began to slip out of my boxers in the darkness.

I didn't turn the lights on when I undressed, it was something that I noticed after I'd moved, but I felt better in the dark. There was always this strange feeling of shame and disappointment when I looked at myself naked, it was one of the many reasons I had taken to leaving the medicine cabinet door open, so the mirror wasn't typically facing me. Thinking about it, made it seem silly, but it didn't stop the sense that lurked under the surface. I moved my paws up and smoothed them down my mane, feeling the soft edges that were starting to lose some of their stiffness. My mane was growing, not a great deal, but enough that I knew it was coming in. It had started to run along my jaws and towards my neck in a thin dark trail. Jonty likely had a fully mane at this point, if he had continued the way that he had been when I had still lived at home. I worked my fingers towards the fringe of my mane along my jawline, worrying over the strands before my eyes flicked to the phone in my other hand.

My fingers danced over the buttons without looking at them, I had dialed them often enough that I didn't have to guess at what they were. Ollie had gotten Jonty's cell number for me, though I wondered where he had gotten a cell phone. My parents didn't even have one, but I had a suspicion that he had earned it being his father's son. I flexed my fingers on the phone, feeling my claws sliding out of their sheath in my agitation as it rang in my ear.

"S'up?" Jonty's voice answered, distracted and short, but he had answered. My heart leapt up and I swallowed.

"Hey, it's me. Shall. Listen.. don't hang up, I just wanted to call and touch base." I got the words out in a rush, praying he wouldn't ignore me or hang out. "I want to know how you are, how Mom is and what's going on, that's all."

"Shall." Jonty's voice lowered, almost a whisper. "You can't call me!"

"I'm sorry, if... if he's around I'm really sorry, but just let me know you're alright. I want to give you my address and info, I mean, in case you need some-" I started to babble, normally he hung up, he hadn't hung up, perhaps, just perhaps...

"Why would I stay with you?" His voice turned hard. "Who do you think you are calling me? Didn't you see the paper work?"

"That doesn't mean we're not brothers!" I snapped back, feeling my stomach turn as I walked into the bathroom. "Please, you know I worry about you.."

Silence. It stretched out between us as I did my best not to plead with him. Was he as hurt as I was that I'd been disowned? We had always been together, we were different, but he was a good kid, and I knew that. What had our father told him?

"Shall." Jonty's voice became tired sounding. "We can't do this. You know that."

"Please, I just want you to be safe." This was as far as I'd gotten with him, normally he would have hung up the phone or made an excuse. It gave me hope. "I have my own apartment now, let me give you the address."

"We can't do this." Jonty spoke more firmly, a hardness entering his voice that I had never heard before. "I'm sorry, but you made your choice and I am making mine. I'm not abandoning our... my family because it's hard."

"I didn't abadon you!" I protested and leaned forward, stopping a curse when I nearly banged my head on the open medicine cabinet door. "I had to leave, and-"

"Don't call again, please Shall." Jonty interrupted, his voice soft and almost calm. "I love you, but I have to live my life and I'm not abandoning Mom and Dad. Take care."

"THAT ISN'T WHAT HAPP-" I started to yell, I couldn't stop it, but the phone was dead in my ear as I tried to talk to him. My tail lashed wildly behind me and I leaned back, reaching out to slam the medicine cabinet door shut roughly, anything to take out some of my frustration.

What had Honsi told him? What had that man said to make him think I'd abandoned them? I glared at my own reflection, my angry amber eyes meeting me as I curled my lip up and let out a frustrated growl. I had a place of my own, I was bringing in money, I even had enough that I was putting away savings and my brother wouldn't let me help him. He wouldn't even hear of it or hear my side of the story, he believed what had been told to him. I had somewhere safe for him, somewhere away from the monster that was his father and he wouldn't take it. My mother wouldn't take it. It was like I was watching them standing in the highway facing oncoming traffic and they wouldn't step out of the way. I had hoped Jonty, at least, would take the help I offered.

Maybe he doesn't want your help... A voice in my mind murmured, and I dismissed the rational part of me, I didn't want to be rational! There was no room in my world to be rational at that moment. I was hurt, angry, frustrated and confused.

I worried, I knew what the man that was left in that house was like, the sorts of things he would do to those that enraged him. Perhaps he was on his best behavior now, perhaps it had been me, but I doubted it. One day he would break, he would hurt them again, he would hurt my mother, Jonty and they refused to leave and find another way out. How long until I was in the hospital with my mother? How long until I read in the paper that he had killed her? I tasted bile on my tongue at that thought and forced it away. What could I do? I couldn't force them, threaten them, make them leave, I would be no better than him. If I kept calling, it would be a repeating record, if I left it be, I would feel guilty when the worst did happen, I didn't know what the right answer was. I let out a low growl and caught sight of the mirror mimicking the movement, and turned my anger to myself.

I glared at myself in the mirror, my dark mane was in my eyes, the edges of it curling just a touch, and as I looked at myself, I hated what I saw. My face was all right, but the mane was out of place, it was running along my head and starting to grow out, as dark as my father's was. My fingers curled along the edge of the sink as I wanted to pull my eyes away, but I didn't, I confronted myself with the fur right along the line of my neck rising up a bit. My tail continually smacked against the wall when it lashed, making the only sound in the room a dull thudding noise. I reached up and tugged roughly at my forelock, pulling it forward and my imagine vividly imagining how it would soon look when my mane grew in.

I didn't want my mane. My thoughts ran towards the dark place that I often went too, but this time it was filled with my frustration, my anger. This wasn't me. I had spent months on my own, months away from the eyes of my family and I had begun to surround myself with friends that accepted me. That knew me. I ran my paws through my mane, pulling backwards until the dark hairs stood up stiffly and I narrowed my eyes. I still took my pills, faithfully took them, assaulting my body with testosterone meant to replace what I lacked, why was I taking them? Why did I still care? Why was I still clinging to what had been forced on me? Was it because I had hoped Jonty would come and be safe? Or was there another reason.

I glanced down at the sink and saw the bottles placed where they always were, my named etched on them, except now the labels were the real ones and not the ones my mother had placed over them to keep me from knowing. My entire gender, wrapped into pill form and perfected beneath the knife. I straightened up as I looked at the pills. I kept taking them, why? For choking down enough hormones that I was getting a mane? I didn't want it. I didn't want this. I had left my family behind, my life behind, but it was all still there. Nothing had really changed, at least not the deeper parts of my life that made me who I was. I still fretted over my family, who had disowned me, I still took my pills, to be a gender I couldn't identify with, I still thought of myself as male, even when I couldn't accept what I looked like.

"It's time for a change." I spoke to myself softly, looking up in the mirror and my ears tipped back as the delicate features of my face regarded me back, my lean body.

It felt like a dream as I moved out of the bathroom and went to the kitchen, it didn't take long for me to find the scissors in the kitchen. I felt light headed, a little out of control, my heart fluttering as I returned to the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I had always been careful about my choices, despite the fact CJ had offered to take me to a doctor that dealt in such matters to discuss my body, I had always said no. I was always too nervous to want to go that step, but now it seemed as if someone else controlled my hands. I wanted to be able to change something, to fix something, to make an impact, and that's what guided me in dipping my head under the sink and soaking my mane so it would be easier to spike up.

Snip after snip I cut into the dark fur that was a symbol of male virility, I cut it close to my fur, trying to be even and careful as I leaned forward. The heavy locks fell down damply along my muzzle and cheeks, dropping into the sink. I leaned forward, not caring to think any further than wanting to do something, the drive to make a change overwhelming, uncaring of the consequences. The sound of the scissors were sharp and crisp, working backwards so that a stiff bristle of darker head fur remained in an uneven line as I leaned forward and splayed my ears to either side. The front was easy, the back harder, making me shift and dip my head down, I worked more by feel than by actually knowing what I was doing. My free hand guided the scissors, pulling and rubbing, trying to find the locks of my mane.

In the end, the dark pile of hair was in the sink, the itchy loose strands clung to my fur as I reached up and vigorously rubbed my head, trying to get rid of the last bits as best that I could. It felt weird, I had had a Mohawk for so long, and now there was smooth almost even fur all along my head. The air felt cooler than it had, tickling along the damp patches before I lifted my head and glared at myself in the mirror. It was defiant, ready to be horrified at what I'd done, or at least embarrassed and regretting that I'd done something so extreme, but what I saw made my expression falter. I leaned forward, swallowing and drank in the sight of my changed appearance. It didn't look weird, it looked right, it looked like me. The me I expected to see when I glanced in the mirror.

The mane was gone, taking away the one edge of masculinity that made my face appear to have more angles and bulk than it really didn't. People saw the mane and saw male, but now I could see my delicate muzzle and the way that my nose was smaller and the bridge narrower than any male I knew. I could see the high soft cheek bones, the way that there was just a bare level of softness that added to my appearance, bringing out the soft amber of my eyes. My lashes were longer than a males should have been, the edge of paler fur made them stand out as I flicked my eyes back and forth. My ears were too high up and too small, not the broad ones that I had seen on many male lions. These were things I'd never really paid attention to, never looked at, not when my eyes had always slid away from my reflection or spared a glare for my mane.

The cut... I grimaced at the hack job I had done with the scissors. There were bits of fur sticking up still, higher than my normal fur, other parts had been cut down too short and were nearly shaved. I reached my paw up and tried to flatten the longer pieces to make it rest more naturally, but they flicked back up again, too short to lay flat, but too long to be natural. It was still darker than my normal fur pattern, almost black so it looked odd and out of place, but it wasn't a mane. I ran my fingers along my jaw, tracing where I had trimmed away the edge of my mane there as well, it was softer, smoother where I touched and made me feel a strange sense of satisfaction. I looked... better. I stepped back, trying to allow some distance to blur the imperfections of my hack job cut, and as I did so I stared at my smooth flat chest. It didn't fit right, like a pieced together picture, though the shape of my body seemed more right, it was a detail that didn't fit. I frowned a little and moved my arm up, covering my chest and hiding the flatness from view and simply looked at myself. Hiding the part that didn't fit create a whole that had my ears pricking forward.

It was more right than anything I had seen before, it created an image that my mind understood and accepted. My eyes didn't slide away, or flick and move on rapidly. I kept my arm over my chest and slid my gaze down towards the bottles of hormones on the sink. Tomorrow..... Tomorrow I would call CJ and ask about finding a good doctor that might understand me, my problems, my issues. I was done creating and harboring the image that had been given to me, I was done pushing myself into a mold. I was just... done.

It's time for a change...