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April First For Everything Ch 6: Intimacy Copyright 2014, comidacomida

I guess it's something that just takes a long time to come to grips with... especially when it happens so suddenly. I know I wasn't ready to lose JD like that, and I sure as heck know that Jason wasn't. Out of all the things JD was to me, or all the things he could have been if that plane crash never happened, I guess... well... I don't know what to guess-- I suppose it's a moot point. What I CAN say though is two years later it still isn't a whole lot easier.

Everything froze for awhile. Not literally, I mean... but it felt more like I was going through the daily motions without really bothering to look around as time passed me by. It was like hitting the pause button while you're part of a movie, and sitting there as everything else continued on without you. Yea, JD may not have been a big part of my life as I grew up, but I'd been given just enough time to get to know him again that losing him for a second, more permanent time hurt that much more.

How do you describe the loss of an older brother like JD to someone who never really knew him? I mean... even after all this discussion about who he was and what he was like I can't imagine that anyone would be able to feel the big-of-an-older-brother-hole that's missing with him being gone. Out of everyone who could have missed JD more, it shouldn't have come as a surprise that it was Jason... and if I was devastated, then he was completely and totally obliterated-- for the longest time I was worried that he wouldn't recover... ever.

Dog-Eat-Dog went on a hiatus for almost a month, which wasn't that bad since it was the perfect time for the producers to do a yearly "Best of the Season" episode which didn't even require Jason to be on set. After that, they had a temporary host fill in. Everyone at the station was understanding... I mean... how could they NOT be when Jason lost his fiancé a week before the wedding? God, I still remember having to tell Rita everything on the phone-- she and Rosey had been so excited that Jason and JD were flying back to California for the wedding but then, suddenly, in a flash, not only was the wedding gone, but JD was too.

Although I usually took classes during summer term, I passed on them, and, by the time fall classes were getting ready to start I wasn't really much in the mood to go but I kept thinking of what JD would have said if I'd held off on school... so I guess the fact that I enrolled and got myself as put together as I could manage was sort of in honor of him. Jason still hadn't improved much by then, but at least he would come out of his room and join me for dinner-- it was usually delivery because neither of us had really felt like cooking.

I guess what I really wanted to talk about wasn't JD's death so much as it was how much life changed after him. Or, really, I think it's more about the last weekend before classes started up... well... specifically that Friday night. It's been awhile, yea, but it's something that's been on my mind without me ever finding a way to get the words out of my muzzle... but it's been long enough that I think it's about time I try.

It wasn't planned... well -I- didn't plan it, and I don't think Jason did. It really wasn't anything I figure would ever happen again, but, looking back, I think it was something Jason and I both really needed, and I think we're both stronger for it. Maybe we were each just at that vulnerable level where we needed someone who understood, and, since we'd both lost JD, I guess that was enough for a grieving Leasher to make advances on his deceased fiancé's straight little brother... and enough for a depressed little brother in mourning to not say no.

The evening didn't start there... I mean... not by a long shot. I was in the living room trying to distract myself from the pending college semester by watching tv. During a commercial my eyes fell down to one of the cabinet drawers... one that JD had gnawed through the upper right hand corner-- I think he'd said once he was trying to get something out from between his teeth. He may have been a bit thick-headed but I'm pretty sure he knew how to use floss... and I never did get a chance to know what that cover-story was hiding. I remember feeling really angry about that... and then sad... and, before I knew it, I was crying.

Despite how good I had thought I'd been doing, the loss of JD at that point was just as strong as when I'd first found out he was gone. I'm not sure how long I cried, but it must have been loud-- loud enough to carry to Jason's closed bedroom door... because it was his arms around me that pulled me from my deepest gloom. When he embraced me and we started crying together something changed. Neither of us was trying to be "the strong one", or putting on a face for the benefit of the other. There, in front of the TV, half-way through the wait for the delivery driver to bring us some boxed chinese food, there was progress.

Our tears continued for awhile but, as things started to quiet down, Jason still in my arms, I became a little more self-conscious. While mom or Rita were really good at comforting me, it was usually a vocal reassurance. Sure, I'd been hugged my fair share-- both of them have never been shy about expressing love, but there, sitting on the couch with Jason laying against me, I couldn't help but feel something else... like a mix between empowered and vulnerable all at once. It was a sensation that I hated and reveled in at the same time.

It felt like there was something we were sharing that I didn't think would be possible... some kind of empathy, or a one-ness that was as much emotional as it was spiritual. I know, I guess it sounds like crap, but it's one of those things that you can never really understand until you feel it for yourself... it was reassuring and frightening all at once. When Jason looked up at me I realized that I was laying back against the arm of the couch and he was practically on top of me... and that's when we kissed.

I'm pretty sure he was the one that started it... I mean... I can't really think of a reason that I'D kiss HIM-- I'd only ever kissed one other person in my life, and she broke up with me a day or two later. To be honest, I have no idea if I'm a good kisser or not, but, at the sake of sounding a little gay, Jason was... he REALLY was. He was so good, actually, it took me a minute to work through the hug and the kiss before I realized what was going on, and THAT is when he ended up on the floor... and I ended up standing up on the sofa... followed by falling over the back of the sofa... and finished with my back firmly on the ground.

Despite the sudden display of acrobatic prowess, I was surprisingly unhurt, and stood up just in time to proclaim in unison with Jason, "I'm sorry!"

I guess there was a pause... or maybe a pause-and-a-half as we each registered the comment, and then, in unison once again, blurted out, "Why are-- No, I--"

Maybe if things weren't so awkward... or maybe my head wasn't hurting so much from hitting the floor the laughs might have continued, but they faltered with Jason admitted, "I shouldn't have done that."

There could have been any of a number of responses that I might have given that wouldn't have alienated him quite so much as the one that I chose, "Why did you?"

I'd never seen Jason stuck for something to say. His mouth moved a few times as if trying to provide an explanation but, in the end, he sat down on the coffee table facing the sofa, and gave a shrug, "You... remind me of him..."

For a moment it was like he wasn't gone, and I spoke before I'd realized it, "So first you kiss me, then you insult me?"

We shared that smile... and that laugh but, once again, in unison, the reality began to filter in, and the good vibes melted away. As Jason's eyes slowly returned to the looking at the carpet he shrugged again, speaking quietly, "It was just nice to be held again... it's..." he let out a deep sigh, "It's not easy, Sully."

I climbed over the back of the sofa and slid back down onto a cushion, settling in across from him where he sat on the coffee table, "I know, Jay... I know." I'm still not sure why I called him that-- only JD ever called him Jay... heck, I know I never had. Later, Jason said in jest that I'd probably been channeling JD at that moment... which I guess explains why he leaned forward and kissed me again. This time, though, it was on the nose and not the muzzle.

When he pulled back there were tears in his eyes again, but a soft smile had replaced the anguished expression on his lips, "I know you do, Sully."

That tender reassurance was the first real sign I'd seen of the Jason I'd come to know... the guy on TV who had an answer for everything and always knew just what to say. That was the moment when I realized that maybe, just MAYBE there was hope that things would return to as normal as possible considering the emptiness left by JD's passing. It was a relief, but also bitter-sweet when I thought that life could go on without him.

The second time we hugged that night was definitely my doing and I'm not ashamed to say that I cried like a little puppy. During that second embrace he was THAT Jason; he was the rock I could hold onto in the storm and, to be honest, I think he realized that too... and it gave him strength. He didn't say a word and his only movement was the gentle, comforting, circular rubbing of his hand on my back.

As if my brain simply wasn't willing to let a good thing stand, a few moments later my muzzle opened up and an unnecessary question came out and I slowly pulled back, "Why do I remind you of JD?"

He paused before answering... not the unsure, off-guard pause of before, but more of a casual consideration providing the courtesy of thought before answering... and when he did, it was quite specific, "You are caring, and attentive, handsome, and you smell like him."

The praise settled in, leaving me both shocked and... well... I guess the best way to describe it would be 'appreciation-drunk'. It's not every day you get compliments from your iconic celebrity hero... even if you DO life with him. A few seconds later, as reality returned, my thoughts lingered on that last part of his comment, "I SMELL like him? That sounds more like a Dog comment than a human one."

Jason fidgeted, just a hint of sheepishness peeking through as he leaned forward and rested his head on my shoulder, nose pressed up against my neck, "Well, a Dog would probably say you smell nothing like JD, but to a human-- to ME, you do."

I shuddered involuntarily when he took a deep breath through my fur and I clenched my muzzle when he balanced himself by placing a hand against my shirt on my chest. Personal space is a pretty big issue for me and there aren't many people who usually get inside my 'bubble', but Jason is an exception in a lot of ways... like the fact that he's the only guy I've ever kissed... which, incidentally, is what happened next.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, and, well, as for the why, I think it was a combination of things. There was all of his praise (I mean, nobody'd ever called me handsome, so did it really matter that it was a gay guy who said it?) and the physical closeness of the moment-- yea... the emotional too, I guess you could say. Mostly, I think, it's because he was there and because he was receptive and because we were both just... I dunno... I bungled my way into and out of a bad relationship before moving to New York so why not just go with the flow on what was probably another bad decision? Call it my homage to JD, I guess.

No matter what caused it, the next thing I knew was that my muzzle was pressed up to his lips and I was holding him instead of the other way around. He didn't pull away and he didn't struggle, but he certainly wasn't as forward as when he instigated it... but how he did respond was probably the most amazing response I'd ever received from anyone in that situation (not that I've had a lot of practice)... he closed his eyes, and surrendered wholly to it, almost as if he'd run a marathon and finally had a chance to collapse... into my arms.

There's something to be said about the biggest aphrodisiac is feeling sexy yourself... and I think that might be a reason so many guys are so uptight about being hit on by a gay guy-- another man making you feel sexy by ogling you? Nah... there's no way that can be macho... better go smack him around for making you feel that way. Well... I think if less guys had issues with their sexuality and were more comfortable in their own fur then my bet is that the world would be a better place. I know for a fact that the apartment, if it was a world of its own, was pretty darn good... not that things stopped there... no... not by a long shot.

Despite my misgivings of kissing Jason (considering the total failure my attempt had been with Nicole), I was blown away that his response had been so much more accepting of the approach. Even if it WAS kissing a guy, I have to admit that it was a lot more enjoyable than Nicole (again, please note: someone making you feel sexy, desired, wanted, whatever... yea... that's something that doesn't get old). Really, it boiled down to the fact that Nicole never really wanted me, while, Jason WAS interested.. even if it was as an escape from being without the Dog who had been there for him all along.

By the time his tongue found its way into my muzzle, I was practically lost in the experience, barely even registering that it was a guy I was holding. His hands traveled all over my body as he pressed the advantage, pushing me back into a laying position on the sofa while his fingers slid up beneath my shirt and buried themselves into the fur of my stomach. It wasn't until he was unbuttoning my pants that I realized just how far things might end up going if I didn't object, and that's when I grabbed his wrist, "...Jason?"

He whispered against my whiskers, "Sully..."

I slowly moved his hand away from the front of my mostly open jeans. Mustering up a surprisingly high amount of willpower required to speak, I said as amicably as I could, "Jay... I'm not... into guys."

He didn't put up a fight as he let me lead his digits away from my groin and, after a few seconds of silence he slowly laid down on the sofa next to me, half atop me, with his head on my chest. There was something about the position that felt endearing and comforting... and intimate. It wasn't a bad feeling-- actually, it felt... well... kinda like what I'd always thought snuggling would feel like. I mean... I never really had a lot of experience snuggling, and, when his hand finally made it back to my body, it was resting in a relaxed manner on my stomach. After awhile I moved my paw so it was resting on that hand.

He was looking down at my touch when he spoke up, "Sully... the first time you... did something with someone..."

The upholstery on the sofa ticked the fur of my ears as they swiveled toward him, "You mean... like the time I tried to kiss Nicole?"

I felt his smile against my chest through my bunched-up shirt and his fingers strained upward to lace within mine, "No... I mean something more... intimate. The first time you were WITH a woman-- er... or... girl."

There was something almost funny about the way he brought the conversation up-- Jason, the tried and true champion for honest and forward discussion was actually blushing around the ears. I would have found it more humorous if the question weren't so personal... or embarrassing.

Regardless, Jason wasn't someone I'd ever felt willing to lie to, and so I was honest then as well, "I... uh... haven't been."

He looked up at me, resting his chin on my sternum, "You haven't?"

I tried to be as casual about it as possible, but I'm pretty sure I ended up with a goofy, self-depreciating grin, "No... Nicole was my only girlfriend, and that was really more of a passing thing for her... when she realized I wasn't going to get any of my trust fund until I turned twenty fi--" The yip I made when his hand slid into my jeans was probably the most puppy-like sound I'd made since I was... well... a puppy.

He soothed me with a soft, sure, "Shhhh..." and I felt his fingers glide through my groin fur as they made slow, circular motions ever-closer to my sheath, "It's okay, Sully... I'm not going to hurt you, and if you want me to stop... if you REALLY want me to stop, you just have to say so..." he looked up just then, his blue eyes glimmering with a vitality I hadn't seen since we got word of JD's passing. There was a vibrancy... a need. His voice was the same one I'd come to know and adore: the self-assured, kind, instructional tone he used like nobody else could, "You've spent all your time since Nicole thinking you're not good enough... but all you really need is someone to show you what you're capable of."

While I knew exactly what he was suggesting, a little more of me was unwilling to object than the part of me that was going to decline. In a last ditch effort, that contrary part of me offered up a simple, "It's... it's okay, Jay... you don't have to.... uh... DO anything..."

He smiled, and my toes curled hard enough for them to pop as his fingers gently encircled my sheath. I don't think I could remember a time before that when I really, honestly gasped in anything other than surprise... but THAT sound was due to far more than being caught off guard. My groin tensed up immediately, and I felt Jason's expert touch coax out sensations I didn't even know were possible; it's like he knew my body even better than I knew it... and that's saying a lot for any teenage Dog.

My paw squeezed the hand he kept on my stomach gently and he smiled, squeezing back before letting go to slide it behind me and, with very little effort at all, had the button above my tail pulled loose and, from there, the movement of his hand on my sheath plus the gentle tug from my rump worked my jeans down to my knees and, by that time, I was already panting, and my whole body was shaking. I was a virgin... a virgin that liked women... and my first time really was going to be with a guy.

Jason's breath was warm against my belly fur, causing my abdominals to cramp up from the stimulation, "Just... relax..."

My entire body went rigid the moment I felt his lips against my surprisingly attentive dick. I mean... despite thinking there was no way he'd ever even get a sliver of pink out of my crown, I guess you could say I found the result surprising... if I was even able to create a single thought in my head other than the repeated internal monologue of my mind telling me that yes, it was really happening. At first, relaxing was easier said than done but, by when Jason added his tongue against my flesh along with his lips I went immediately to jelly, and sank back against the sofa with a loud groan... another sound I couldn't believe came from me.

It wasn't long before my every breath came out at a pant, and my thighs wouldn't stop twitching each time Jason's lips brushed my knot. I'd 'handled things' myself before, so I knew what was going to happen, but I was still surprised when I realized that all of it was because of Jason, my brother's fiancé, who was giving me head. It wasn't something I'd ever expected and, if it had ended there, it would have been enough to have been a one-time thing... but, even though he withdrew his mouth before I came, we weren't done.

I had been so wrapped up in the feel of the blow job that I hadn't really been paying attention but, as he pulled away, I suddenly realized that he'd taken his jeans off, and his underwear too. I smelled the distinct scent of what I'd come to recognize as lube-- I'd lived with Jason and JD long enough to be familiar with it... but never so strong... and never so... imminent. When Jason straddled my hips where I lay on the couch I couldn't say a word, and all he offered was, "We can stop at any time... just let me know."

I swallowed against the developing cramp in my throat, and managed to rasp out, "I'm... not sure... about it."

He smiled, remaining where he was, with my 'VERY-sure-about-this' Benedict Arnold of a penis beating in time with my rapid heart beat against the back of his thigh. Reaching behind himself, he gently stroked it and I could feel the slippery, slick gel on his fingers, "You don't have to do anything, Sully... I'll take care of it."

I swallowed again, "It's... just... I'm not..."

He leaned forward and touched his nose to me, his hips rising enough that the head of my cock rested up beneath him, "Gay... I know... and it's alright... letting a guy give himself to you isn't gay... and there's nothing wrong with enjoying it."

I opened my muzzle to object, but the only thing that came out was a long, gurgling wheeze as I felt his body spread open before me as he slowly sat down, right on my dick. I remember thinking after a moment that what he said WAS true... all I was doing was getting off... I was letting him 'relieve a little tension'. I got myself off, and that didn't make me gay, so what difference did it make that I was saving the time, energy, and paw cramp? Convincing myself didn't last through the kiss, and, when I didn't pull away, he added his tongue.

Somewhere after a minute or two I gave up on denying that I was astounded at how wonderful it felt... I stopped bothering with trying to play it cool and be defensive and withdrawn. With Jason eagerly giving himself to me I surrendered to it... to him, and accepted the fact that, even if he WAS a guy, he made me feel like nobody ever had before. I was kissing him just as passionately as he was me when he cried out into my muzzle.

The hot, sticky proof of his desire painted my sternum and my withdrawn shirt above it while, at that very moment, he met one of my tentative thrusts with a strong downward push of his hips and I broke the kiss, crying out as my knot was buried into someone for the first time. My vision went white, and Jason later told me that I made a sound almost like a choking gurgle... not the most manly of sounds, I guess, but there wasn't really much I had control over as I felt the strongest orgasm I'd ever had, and, by the time I'd recovered, I found myself tied firmly to my dead brother's fiancé.

I guess it sounds a little morbid... but Jason has always had a way of making anything wonderful with his presence, and we ended up snuggling for over a half an hour until I was finally able to pull free. We never did do 'it' again, but snuggling was never out of the question. We grew a lot closer for it, and Jason never pressed the issue beyond being the kind of friend that everyone should have in their life. That night was also the first time since JD died that he started cooking again... which makes sense I guess, since we were a little 'tied up' when the delivery guy arrived with the food.