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_Was I born an it? What is an it? _ The thought ran through my mind for at least the hundredth time that day. It was the first thought on my mind when I opened my eyes, it was there rattling through everything that I tried to do.

The Packhouse should have been a safe haven for me, it was work, it was a café that made me feel at home and made me feel secure in the fact that I did good job and was praised, but today I couldn't concentrate. I kept hearing my parents arguing in my head, their voices raised and accusatory so nothing made any sense. I had woken up when Jonty returned home, my sleep had already been fitful, but when my younger brother had flopped into the bottom bunk and begun snoring it was impossible. I hadn't taken my father's car to work, he'd taken it last night, and he hadn't come back. Normally I would have been concerned over the fact my mother was so upset at his absence, but I couldn't worry about that, I wanted to know what had been wrong with me at birth. What had been so awful that my father had thought about letting me die instead of live?

In the old days they had done that, nearly ever species had a ritual of getting rid of cubs and children that were weak or sick. It was from back in the dark ages, when lions still killed and hunted any prey animal they wanted, back when we were in tribes and clans, not in the modern age. There were always whispers that it still happened, but I knew enough of the world to know it didn't really occur, but he had sounded so serious. Had I been born a girl? That thought made my stomach turn, not simply with fear, but with a strange hope. If I had been born another sex, what doctor would make me male? It was unethical and my mother would have stopped it! It couldn't have been that, it had to be something else that had been wrong with me. I'd been born too early, I had been sick, but what sickness would make my father hate me so completely and call me an it?

I had almost asked my mother before I left for work. I had watched her getting ready for her own job and tried to get up the courage to ask the question. Her eyes had been red rimmed and her smile forced as she did her best to act like nothing had happened last night. I wanted to know the truth, but I hadn't managed to get up the courage to say anything. Her eyes had been so haunted as she tried to act like nothing was wrong, and I had done the same. I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry that I could hide my own emotional turmoil from her so much easier than she could hide her own from me.

"SHALLEN! Damn it! Grab some more beans!" The shout made me jerk, dragging me out of my thoughts as C.J. pushed my shoulder and nearly made me stumble. "You know we're in the middle of our rush."

"Sorry! Sorry!" I gave an apologetic smile at my coworker and bolted for the backroom while the rat continued to work the espresso machine.

My mind wasn't on work, it was a hundred miles away, but I tried to focus on what I was doing as I got away from the crowd of laughing customers who were jostling towards the front of the counter to place their order. The backroom was cool and smelled warmly of coffee, a delicious scent that soothed me as I dragged out another bag of beans. The Packhouse was a little café that had cropped up right near the high school as a place that young predators could hang out together. It was one of the few hang outs that allowed for students to come and do homework or get together. The city had tried to hint that it should be closed because it fostered the wrong idea on young predators who had a natural inclination to form packs or prides, but it had still stayed. The owner had enough clout in the city that he could ensure the doors stayed open even past the disapproval of the City Council.

The owner was an old wolf, grey muzzled and going soft around the edges. He was rough and sharp, he could even be frightening, but he was also sympathetic to young predators who were finding their way in the world. He had once lived past the city walls, he'd even told my coworkers and I that he had been a part of a real pack, back before stricter laws had come into effect. Charles was the sort of wolf that my best friend nearly worshiped, Ivan was always hanging onto every word the old lupine said when he was actually in the café. All the young wolves did, it made me wonder if I would have turned out better with a figure like him in my life. He was too canine for my tastes, his scent all wrong and he always seemed a touch disdainful of my species, so I'd never really become a part of the group that crowded around him. Then again, neither was C.J. or any of my other co-workers. My boss had never hired a wolf, I didn't know why, but as long as I'd been coming here the staff was run by non-wolves.

"Here, let me grab the orders.." I came back out behind the bar and leaned over to snag the little stack of paper beside CJ, earning a grateful look from the rat.

"Thanks, alright, who's next? You lot! Move to the left or get back to yer seats!" He snapped out while I retreated to the safety of the espresso machine and hiding my face.

It was automatic work that felt good as my hands flew and picked up the milk and little jug to steam it, picking up the bag of espresso beans before filling the hopper. The sharp sweet scents that filled my nose helped sooth me as I stuck up the orders in front of me and lined up the cups, I always felt more relaxed working here, I don't know why. CJ continued to take orders from nearby, earning a few aloof looks from the snobbier clientele, but he didn't let it stop him from flying at the register and trying to get the line down with his normal efficiency. No one was really pleased with the fact that a rat was working as a barista which was why he was on the register and not making drinks with me. Most of them didn't say anything, but it was easy to see which ones weren't happy with him being there. Maybe that's why I got along so well with him, he was a misfit too.

CJ had come over from the ocean, his sharp accent was rather exotic to my ears, but most people grumbled that he was foreign trash. He spoke our language well enough, but he also made an effort to stand out in the crowd. He had told me that his natural color was something called 'agouti', which was supposedly a normal brownish type, but he dyed it a deep dark blue. The only parts that weren't died blue were his eye rings and the white of his throat. His long naked tail was banded in the same blue with the natural colored skin covered in multiple silver cuffs. He'd even pierced his ears and nose, running chains through it so that the thin metal links jingled. His head fur was spiked up in a Mohawk, making him often make comments about appreciating my own. He was lean bodied like most of his kind, but not as starved as some I'd seen in the past.

Rats didn't tend to thrive in most places, they were still considered somewhere in between predator and prey, so they had a hard time getting a job. Most people still remembered the old wars where rats had been used to carry and bring plague in between warring factions because they could easily infiltrate so many different species'. Rats were always considered a rather off putting species, no matter what laws were passed to try and stop specisim, but CJ just didn't seem to care. Despite his strange appearance and piercings, he was happy, he was in his second year of college and had been dating the same guy for three years now. He genuinely didn't seem to care about anything, which, of course, made him the perfect person for me to fixate on.

_He's doing something right, he's not normal, he's not like other rats. _ I thought hopefully as I handed out another drink to a customer.

That was the root of it, I wasn't normal, I had confirmation on that now. I still wasn't sure how I wasn't normal, but something was wrong with me and I wanted help. I couldn't talk to Ivan, the wolf would probably look at me like I was insane. I couldn't talk to Jonty, as nice as my kid brother was, he was still very much like my father and I didn't want to imagine what his reaction would be on my problems. But CJ didn't care, he was happy with what he was doing and how he was. He had never taken the bait from those that treated him poorly or made comments about how he shouldn't be touching the food. He just smiled and kept going on, ignoring them like they didn't matter. The few times he had lost his temper, he had revealed to have a vast, and almost frightening, grasp of curse words in two different languages. He'd even tried to teach them to me a few times.

I needed to talk to someone, I had to sit down and sort this out, to at least try to tell someone how I felt and he was at least a friend. He was gay, which could make him even more understanding, I already knew that his boyfriend had taken quite a few licks and beatings for dating a rat. The short preppy looking rabbit hadn't let that stop him, and when push came to shove I was pretty sure that CJ had taken on a few of the bullies himself in the past. I watched him carefully as I worked, studying the blue patterned fur while I weighed my choices. Part of me wanted to keep it to myself, was scared to speak, but it was curdling in my stomach and weighing me down. I couldn't let it fester.

"Shal? Did you grab that last caramel latte?" CJ pushed another stack of papers towards me. "You gotta work faster, mate. Keep it goin' now!"

"I'm trying. Did you have the mocha?" I went back to my work, grinning amiably at my customers as I pushed cup after cup over the bar. And still I kept being drawn back to the odd rat, I didn't know what I was going to do, but I had to do something.

~ ~ * ~ ~

Evening came and so did the slow time that meant everybody in the café could relax. Around noon and the afternoon was always a rush as people got started for the day, but around dinner time no one came in. It wouldn't pick up again until the night shift when students trickled in to take up the tables for study or to hang out. The night shift came in, a fox and two cats that preferred to work after dark, one of them was a rather pretty little tabby that always smiled at me even though I tried to deter her when she flirted. As we call got the place back in order I fought away the tension that was screaming along my shoulders. I kept watching CJ, my eyes drawn to him as if he were a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, he could at least tell me what to do. He wasn't a close friend, but he was odd, he was strange, perhaps what I wanted to say wouldn't seem so weird to him. Perhaps he'd even know what was wrong with me.

_Perhaps he'll call me a freak. _ It was that thought that made my chest tight, I felt like I was going to throw up at any moment. By the time the rat shrugged out of his apron I had nearly talked myself out of it half a dozen times.

It all came down to the fact I didn't know where to start. There was too much about myself that I didn't understand and I had no idea where to start to find out. The only thing I did have to go on was the conversation from the night before and my own bizarre ideas of what I was attracted too. On the last, at least, CJ and I had the same ideas on. Perhaps that was where to start, he might even know where I should look to find out more about myself, or knew someone like me. The last thought almost made me laugh, what chance was there that others would be like me? I watched him avidly, trying not to look like I was staring as he pocketed his cell phone and began to look for his cigarettes in the apron pocket.

"I'm goin' out back fer a smoke." He gave a wave towards the fox manning the register and pulled out a battered pack of cigarettes.

"Can I come with?" I tried to make my voice sound normal, but it was breathy. It wasn't my voice that made him look up at me with those strange dark eyes and blink.

"You smokin' now? Best not to start, not a good habit a'tall" He grinned, showing large white front teeth. His whiskers were curled at the ends, strangely bent so he always had a villainous appearance, but it had never bothered me.

"Well, no I don't, I just wanted to talk." I hastily ducked out my apron and put it next to his as he shrugged and turned away from me, giving a little wave of his hand to follow after him.

Outside the heat nearly stole the breath from my lungs after the chilly AC that was pumped through the café, but I was used to it. CJ padded down the back of the building and ended up tucked right behind the fence of the dumpster where other employees had stacked up milk crates to form a make shift smoking area. Surprisingly there were very little cigarette butts tossed around, they were all contained to a single neat bucket that the crates were gathered around. I took a seat nervously; my tongue felt too thick in my dry mouth as I felt my heart pounding in my ears. What was I doing? CJ didn't know me that well, I didn't even know his proper name, how could I expect him to understand what I was going through?

"So you comin' out, mate?" The rat pulled out a cigarette with practiced ease, rolling it back and forth between his fingers.

"Wh-what?" I stammered and flattened my ears. The blunt way he put it took me aback, but I struggled not to show my shock.

"I mean, ain't like it'd be that big a surprise, but I don't care if you're pitchin' fer my team or the other. Whatever makes ya happy, the way I see it." He smiled up at me, taking some of the sting out of his words. "Or did you want some help with the parents?"

"I'm not gay!" I nearly shouted those words in denial, it was important to deny that, I don't know why, but it felt important. Heat rose to my ears, a hot flush reached my cheeks. "I just needed to talk to someone."

"Ah, well, sorry, but I just always sorta figured you might be. Just thought you might want some advice, that's all." He stuffed the cigarette between his lips and there was a crack and flash of fire before he lit the end and drew in a breath. "So what's on your mind?"

_Just go back inside, he won't understand. _ I thought to myself, nearly turning around on a paw to do just that... But I couldn't. Who else could I talk to? If he was disgusted or horrified it wouldn't matter, no one would listen to him and we just worked together, we could ignore one another.

"I'm just confused." I sagged down on the milk crates across from him. "There was a fight at my house last night, my parents, and I overheard them. I just thought it would help to talk to someone."

"He hit you?!" CJ's head came up instantly, the crack of metal hit the ground beneath him as his tail lashed and one of the cuffs hit asphalt.

The outrage in his dark eyes made me pin my ears back, the smoke that spilled from his nostrils lent him an almost demonic visage as he gave me a measuring look. I'd never told him anything about my home life, not really, but that reaction made me wonder. I was so careful not to show when I was injured, my fur was good at hiding it too, but had he noticed? And if he had, what else had he noticed?

"No, it's just. I don't think I'm really gay." I huddled down a little bit. "Not like you are, but the things they were arguing about made no sense and I thought maybe if I talked with someone. Someone that wouldn't... I mean it's not like that... exactly." I stumbled over my words, they tangled around each other as I tried to find the words to convey what I meant, or at least start.

"Easy on." CJ shifted forward, blowing out a stream of smoke that made me wrinkle my upper lip back. I hated the smell of smoke. "You don't think you're really gay? You're young yet, you're just sorting your life out. Hell, a few years ago I didn't even know what I wanted! What exactly did they say?"

"They.." I trailed off and squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want to repeat it, it was too strange, even for the rat. "They said that I'm not a real lion, like my brother, like my Dad. That I'm not growing up the way I should be and I thought..."

"Thought that made you gay?" CJ grinned and gave his head a shake. "Darlin', trust me, that don't make ya gay. Maybe a runt...." He smiled to take the sting out of the word. "But that's not going to make you look at guys that way."

"But I do look at guys that way..." The words came out of my throat, past my tongue, over my lips in the softest tone I had ever managed. They came without any thought, without any stopper that would shove them back down to the depths of the darkest of places. They escaped with a chill of fear that made me flinch and brace for a hit. A small part of my secret slid free into the light and heat of day.

"I see." The blue rat stopped and took the cigarette from his muzzle, his eyes leveling on me. "Shal, I ain't gonna lie, you sound confused and that's hard. I been that way, hell in me home I left a few girls angry and heart broken, but are you sure? I mean, lotsa guys end up wonderin' or tryin' it out, but it's not always what that means."

"Yes." I closed my eyes, struggling against the urge to cry. "It's not just that, there's something wrong with me. It's n-not like with you and your boyfriend. It's wrong, all wrong."

_Don't cry, damnit, don't cry. _ That was the last thing I wanted to do, it would be humiliating and that was the last thing I needed in my life. The rat placed the cigarette back between his lips, he was watching me closely as he drew in a breath and the end flared to life again. When he blew out the smoke he seemed to sag just a touch, relaxing while his pierced ears flicked backwards.

"It's different for everyone. Hell, I'm kinda the last one to go to for advice, Shal, never really did it all right and proper myself. Don't you got some sorta program at school? Heard you types get organized after that big tado in Tappenton." CJ leaned forward and I felt a touch on my knee that made me jerk backwards automatically. "You don't have to be alone, I mean that. That's the important thing to remember, got me through a lotta hard spots."

"I just.. I don't know what I am, but I just thought t-talking would help." I stammered weakly and felt the hand move to hold my knee again, a squeeze that tried to convey his sympathy. His expression was open, understanding and sympathetic, and still I couldn't say any more than I already had. He was already holding a small part of my soul in his keeping and he didn't even know it. "I don't want to be a freak in a big meeting like that!"

I didn't think I could talk to a group like that. I could barely expose myself one single person that posed very little risk to me, how could I stand up in front of a group and tell everyone what sort of fuck up I was. They wouldn't understand, they'd make fun of me, mock me, perhaps even worse. The entire school would hear about it and I'd have no answers, no friends, nothing. My stomach was twisting with nausea at the thought of it. It was better to be silent, better to hide whatever was wrong with me, better to bottle it up and never let it go if I had to. I had enough condemnation at home, I couldn't stand it at school too.

"Listen, Shal, this ain't the time for it." CJ moved his hand up and touched one naked finger beneath my chin. "I gotta little flat down outside of the campus where Stefan goes to school, why don't you come over and we can really talk. I'll send him off if you want, but I can at least try and help. I know it's no fun being confused, I was messed up for years before I moved here, but we'll get you sorted. In a year or two, yer gonna look back an' just laugh at how outta sorts you are right now."

"Even if I'm some sort of a freak?" I whispered the words, lifting my eyes to see CJ grinning at me broadly, showing every last one of his teeth.

"Hell, mate, ya chose good company for that! If yer gonna be a freak, have a rat beside ya is what I say." He stood up and curled his tail up along the line of his back. "Don't worry, come over tomorrow night, or next weekend. I'll write down my number and you just tell me when. I promise, I been through all this, I can help."

_You haven't been through this. _ I looked up at him with that thought, but slowly stood up as I felt the tension in my shoulders fall away. No, he hadn't been through what I was going through, but he could listen and maybe, just maybe, he could help. And right now, that's what I needed most of all.

~ ~ * ~ ~

"Shallan, come in here, please." My mother's voice was the very first thing to greet me as I stepped into our darkened home. The heat and stink of alcohol was diminished, the TV was off and my father's car was gone from the front drive.

"Mom?" The only light came from the hall and my parent's bedroom, making my stomach turn painfully. Had he come home? Was she hurt? Had he forced himself on her and really broken something this time?

I nearly stumbled to the light, pushing open the door and bracing myself to see the horrors of my father's rampage, but what I walked into was my mother sitting at the foot of the bed with boxes open around her. My parents room was always very neat and clean, my mother was absolutely fanatic about keeping it tidy. Sometimes I thought she cleaned it up so much to try and destroy the dirt that my father brought into her life. The room was messy, unusual, but not like it had been trashed, more like she had been dragging things out of the storage trunk that they kept against one wall. She was dressed in a loose halter top and jeans, her shoulders showing the subtle dappling that I had inherited from her. Her cheeks were damp as she smiled up at me, her whispers softly curved and pale white against her golden fur. She was lovely, my mother, she was as lovely a creature that had ever lived.

"What's wrong?" I padded into the room, relief making me smile as I picked around the boxes to drop down on the floor next to the bed. Just like I used to sit as a cub. "Dad didn't do anything did he?"

"Oh him..." She frowned and gave a gesture. "He took Jonty out, probably hunting." Disapproval was in her tone and well did I know it.

Hunting was forbidden. It was punishable by time in jail, fines that we could never pay and one could even be punished to the point of being forcibly relocated to take away temptation. There was more than one reason I was grateful my father had little use for me out beyond the city walls. I couldn't imagine killing a small animal, it didn't matter that it wasn't as intelligent as us, it just struck me as wrong. I had a hard enough time with fish the few times that we had had it, a mammal? I was pretty sure that I'd freeze up and just earn another beating for being a little 'princess'.

"Just me and you then, huh?" I tried to sound bright as I grinned up at her, moving my head to rest against her knee.

"We need to talk, Shall.." She reached down and gently touched my cheek with the tips of her fingers, brushing up to my mane. "We've needed to talk for some time, but I never really knew what to say to you."

"You can say anything you want, Mom." I rubbed my cheek against her leg lightly, but my muscles tensed up.

She reached down and ran her fingers along the papers she had been looking at and my eyes were drawn towards them. Time had faded the yellow and pink copies, the sloppy hand writing nearly illegible, but I recognized the hospital's seal on them, I recognized my name and our families address. Medical records, she had been going through my old medical records. Once my eyes saw them I could see other papers thrown around, pictures from my cubhood, my baby book, my old footies and little toys that she had collected. It was from a youth that should have made me squirm in embarrassment and fond memories both, but they only made me go still. I tried to look at the pictures of myself and see what was so wrong with me, what my father had hated.

"I always knew I'd have to talk to you one day, it was just a matter of time, but I kept hoping that you would never come to this point. That you would grow up... normal." She said the last word awkwardly, and still I flinched. "You remember being a little cub? How sick you were?"

"A little, I know that I spent most of my time in the hospital." I breathed those words, I hardly dared raise my voice for fear that she would stop talking.

"I wanted you so much, Shallan, I truly did. The day that I gave birth to you I had never been so excited to finally meet you. I carried you for so long and I just knew you would be everything I had ever dreamed of." Her hands moved to cup my cheeks so my head was angled up towards her, her fingers stroked through my fur. "When you were born, there were complications that none of us had planned for. I couldn't even imagine it."

"What complications?" I wanted to scream at her to tell me, I moved my paws up to hold her arms. Had they always felt so small?

"When you were born you weren't.... well, they couldn't truly tell if you were a boy or a girl." She flicked her eyes away. "You were in between both. The doctors said that it happens sometimes, that a cub will be born as both a male and a female, they said that it was rare, but it had occurred in the past. No one knew why, but when you were born they had to leave your sex blank because they couldn't decide which gender you really were."

The world was falling; her fingers were gripping harder against my cheeks as she looked down at me, her eyes meeting my own intently. I had been both? How could I be both? You were one or the other! I trembled slightly, but she only continued on, not waiting for me to ask how it was possible.

"The doctors said that you would be better off being assigned a gender, that as you grew older you wouldn't be able to function the way you were. Hermaphrodites... Intersex... cubs often grow up with other deformities because their hormones are never balanced the way they should be." She leaned down closer. "We had to choose, Shal, we had to tell them what to do. The doctors preferred to make cubs female, it is less... dramatic a surgery with your sort of issues, but your father so wanted a son. He truly believed you would grow up fine, you must understand me. I allowed it, because he was so devastated."

"He didn't want to cut off my..." I couldn't finish it, but what my father had said suddenly made horrible sense. Awful sense. " I was supposed to be a girl..." The words rolled off my tongue, they felt strange, horrible, and right all at once.

"No, never think that!" My mother's voice went up a pitch, making me flinch. "You are my SON, you will always be my son. We had to make that call, that is why you were in the hospital so often, they had to do several surgeries as you grew."

"The medicine I take?" I swallowed, I wanted to run, I wanted to tear out of the room, I didn't want to hear this.

"Testosterone, it's to help you. The doctors said that you might have problems as you grew up, with your body, but you are my son. You are a boy." She said the last fiercely as she gripped my cheek fur almost painfully hard. "The only thing that is different about you is that you are developing slower than other males, but you have had a different life."

"But-" I started to ask the questions that were rising into my throat, but she stopped me with another shake. A hot tear drop hit me in my muzzle, spilling down my cheek before another joined it as my mother leaned in close, her tears marking my fur.

"You are Shallen, you are my first born son and you will hold your head up with pride because you have lived through so much." The grip of her paws changed, moving to stroke along my stiff bristled mane. "You are the most amazing miracle that has ever entered my life, that will ever enter my life. I love you. I love you!"

The last word phrase was a fierce choked growl before she leaned down to press her head against my own, her tears rolling down my muzzle as I stared at the curve of her belly. My mind felt numbed, the thoughts barely stirring as she cried above me, holding me so tightly it almost hurt. I was never supposed to be a male, I should have never been one, I had never been born a female. I was an it. A thing. I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain of that thought. I truly was an it, the only gender or identity I had was the one I had gotten under the doctor's knife. It wasn't foretold by some all-knowing benevolent God and creator, not destiny that shaped me, but my father's ambition for a son and whatever doctor had agreed to it. A lie. My entire life had been a lie.

"My beautiful little cub." My mother kissed my forehead, I could taste her salty tears on my lips. My eyes were dry, there weren't tears enough for what my life was, for what I was. An it.