Chapter 5 - Walk Through The Fire

I woke up again a few hours later I think. I can't really tell time at the moment. I can hear someone else asleep nearby. Luckily the cell myself and Rain are in has 2 beds. He's sound asleep in the other bed. I rub my eyes and sit up, looking out through the bars and I see Soothing standing guard, watching the cell. My eyes flick to Rain. I don't want to wake him, but my body is telling me I need water. I'm glad I hadn't been dead long enough to forget how to take care of myself and listen to my body's signals. As quietly as I can, I make my way towards the tap in the room and reach out to turn it on, but a movement from Soothing catches my eye. He's motioning to me not to do that, so I stop. He walks towards the door and quietly pulls it open. There's a surprise, they haven't even locked it. I guess we're either trustworthy or they're trying to test us.

Either way, he leads me to another room, motioning someone else to take his place. Entering I find I've been brought to the kitchen and the smell of food hits my nostrils. My stomach promptly reminds me that it hasn't been fed in quite some time either as a great rumble echo's around the room. Oh, there's that blushing again. I'm sure I never used to blush this much before I died.

"Heh, looks like I was right. Would you like something to eat?"

I nod heartily "Please and may I have some water too?"

Soothing gives me a shade of a smile. I wince a little. Of course he's still not happy with me, but given the situation he's doing what he feels right. At least that's what I'm hoping. I didn't want to upset him so, nor did I want to lie to him. Yet I keep doing the wrong thing, no matter what freaking world or people I meet. Nrgh! What... What's that wave that rushed over me when I thought that? A memory flares, the night at the park, I felt like this that night before I met 'him', my sire. Yeah, I'd felt this despair then, it was just the same that night. I'd given up on my life, what was left of it at the time.

It's weird coming full circle on the feeling, hell, it's weird just feeling again. However they keep threatening to overwhelm me, and this other feeling at the back of my mind. It's like my beast when I was a vampire only, warmer? Yeah, warmer I think would be a good way to describe it. Now I'm sat thinking about it, I can feel it almost beneath my skin, as if it's ready to burst from it at any moment. I feel hot, like I have a temperature, but I'm pretty sure I don't.

This won't do, I need to centre myself. I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath, thinking calming thoughts and coolness like ice. It doesn't work quite like when I was a vampire as I can actually feel my body and mind calming. Almost like unplugging a heater, I can feel the heat slowly draining away as I work on pushing my own rational thoughts to the surface. I have to think, I can't just act. I can feel the edges of disappointment from thinking about Colt, Leonis and Soothing's face when I told him the story, but I push them back. I won't allow myself to drown in this despair, I didn't do it when I was human, I didn't do it when I was a vampire, I refuse to do it now I'm a werewolf.

I know I'm stronger now, I wasn't the weak willed mortal ready to take a final swim. Nor was I a blood sucker ready to go down in a blaze of martyr glory. I'm a werewolf, the good guys. Colt, this isn't just for you and Leonis either. I'll do this for myself, I'll push through and I'll become more than you ever dreamed. I'll fight your fight and I'll return to clear your name. This is for me, this is for Rain, for you all, I will fight!

I can feel the beast within me responding to my train of thought, the adrenaline rushes through my body and I feel it almost agreeing with me. It wanted to fight, it wanted to be free and to destroy the enemies in our way. I could feel it raising anger in me and I remembered Colt talking about the rage of the beast. That's what he meant, the continual burning rage within, wanting to fight and break loose. I faced that rage with my own coolness. The calm of a vampire, I still remembered how to do that, although it was no longer part of me my life, my memories, my experiences, they're my own and no beast be it vampire or werewolf would swallow me without choking!

My eyes slowly opened to find Soothing sat across the table from me watching me intently. I move my arms and hands, palm up, and feel that beast wanting to break free. I call to it this time, coercing it to release part of itself, to fill my arms and hands. My beast almost responds gleefully. I watch my fingers elongate, claws sliding from the tips of my fingers, fur sprouting around the hands and rolling up my forearms. My hands are much larger than they should have naturally been at this point and I realise that although I can call the beast to me now, it was going to require some practice to get used to the very size of the beast. With a shuddering out breath, I stop concentrating on my beast and I feel it trickle inside me like liquid heat. My hands shrinking and claws retracting until only my hands remain, albeit trembling a little from the experience.

"That was beyond impressive Alias...." says Soothing

I blink at him, tilting my head confused as I look at his face. He's fighting to keep it neutral but I can see flashes of anger there. What have I done now?

"Wha? What do you mean?"

"That was a partial change. It takes a lot of practice as a werewolf to actually do 'something' like that. Yet you sit in front of me, barely a garou for a day and you're shifting bits of yourself like a pro. What the fuck is going on?" he shoves a plate with a fried breakfast on towards me and a bottle of water is almost slammed on the table next to me. He's so angry at me and I'm not sure what to do.

I do however need that water badly. I promptly grasp it and start gulping it down. Ten years without water makes you actually appreciate something like this, the cooling liquid pouring down your throat and refreshing sensation as it fills your stomach. The scent of the food is driving me crazy too, I'm so hungry! But.. Soothing was so nice to me at the start, I can't just ignore him for food. I have to do something here.

With a gasp I place the bottle back down from my lips "Soothing... I..." I'm struggling to find the words here. I look at him and he's looking back at me expectantly. I can feel the tears starting to come again. Seriously need to try to get that under control at some point. My stomach growls loudly again and I force myself to ignore it. I close my eyes and hang my head a little, then just let whatever words are in there come out.

"I can't begin to say how sorry I am for that one element of my past. I realise all the good I have done, doesn't make up for the fact that I did something that was abominable. As a vampire, to me it just didn't matter, they don't have emotions. Now I'm on emotion overload because I haven't had them for 10 years. But I'll be 100% honest, I don't feel bad about killing her, she was trying to kill me and my friends. When I was a vampire, I didn't feel shit about doing it, I didn't feel shit about losing Colt either, the memory of me did. Now I'm alive again, I feel bad about not feeling bad. Being a vampire saved me twice, otherwise I'd have just topped myself the night I became one, or right after I'd let Colt down. Right now I'm feeling that same feeling yet again, that I keep fucking up and the world might be better off without me. But I can't let myself die, I have things I must do, even if I feel like I'd never deserve forgiveness. Now I'm actually alive and can feel again, I can feel the love for Leonis and Colt. I need to help them, I want to get back to them. I don't know if Colt can ever forgive me or if my current situation will make a difference to him. But I can at least go back and help him somewhat in his war. "

I look up at Soothing when I've finished and his expression has changed, it's fighting somewhere between pity and shock. That's a new one. The pity I could get, but the shock?

"Soothing? What? Did I say something wrong again?"

Soothing winces and shakes his head "Not to me Alias. But what you just said pretty much confirmed that you honestly didn't mean any of this to happen."

I blink a couple of times, of course I didn't mean any of this to happen, what's he talking about? The confusion must have shown on my face as Soothing bites his lip and shakes his head, then lets out a long breath in a sigh.

"Alias, what do you know of garou law?"

"Not much, only one I know is to fight the wyrm... Why?"

"One of our laws says that we must respect each other as we are ALL equal in gaia's eyes. Male or female, colour, creed or sexuality."

I nod, still not quite understanding where he was going with this.

"Another is simply this. Garou shall not mate with Garou."

I frown, what's that got to do with anything? Colt and I can't have kids, that would be a miracle. Why would that.... apply.... to... Oh no, no no no no no!

I realise that I was now howling out "Noooo!" and my hands were clasped over my eyes. To be equal, then relationships straight or gay had to be honoured as the same, so the law that garou shall not mate with garou applies to all garou.

Arms slide around me and grasp me tight and I break down. It's over, well and truly over. No matter what I do. The very laws of garou forcing me to obey it. Colt got around it the first time because I just wasn't the same as other vampires until that incident. But now... Now it's a whole different problem that there just is no way around. It's really the end. How. How could it be this cruel an ending?! My cries and sobs against the chest holding me grow into borderline hysterics as I can't stop shaking.

What was the point anymore? I might as well be dead for real now. What do I have left? I've lost Colt for good and Leonis. My eyes snap open. Leonis. My husband. He was still somewhere safe if Jaheed was to be believed. I had been beating myself up so much that I hadn't stopped to think about him. I'd just trusted he was safe for now, but was that the truth? Oh goddess, I've been so selfish. I have to go back. I have to be strong and take the responsibility for my mistake here. I have to find a way back, more so I have to find a way to live as this new form.

My crying has stopped and my sniffles have retreated. I lean back and look up into HOLYFUCK!

I go flying backwards off my chair in sheer surprise, my flailing arm sending the table and its contents across the floor and everywhere. I hit the floor with an ooomph and look up at Wyrmripper who'd been the one holding me whilst I cried. I thought it had been Soothing! But his face has a mixture of amusement and compassion written it.

"Wha.. I thought, but..." I can't seem to form an coherent sentence.

"You thought that I was a hardass? That I didn't give a crap what people feel?" he smirks at me

"Not exactly..." I look at Soothing and promptly clap a hand across my mouth in shock. He's currently wearing the baked beans from the food he'd made me across his face. Wyrmripper follows my look and promptly begins to laugh. I'm biting it back, but I can't help it, the look on Soothing's face is indignant. The giggles start and soon I'm laughing along with Wyrmripper, doing my best to apologise between laughs and rubbing my tear stained face.

"Well, I guess I'd better make you some more unless you're not hungry anymore?"

My stomach answers rather loudly for me and I blush again.

"Please, I'm sorry" I wince a little, but I know its ruined by the smile on my face.

"I'll let you off... This time..." and he walks into the kitchen area as I pick myself up off the floor.

"Umm..." I manage.

"Dustpan and brush is in that cupboard, bin is over there." Wyrmripper points to a cupboard then a chute for rubbish I'm guessing. He reaches down and straightens up the chair and table as I make my way over to the cupboard and retrieve the dustpan and brush. I clear up the spilt breakfast, grabbing some tissues from a nearby surface to get the remainder of the juice from the beans. As I finish clearing up and put the dustpan and brush away, Wyrmripper is looking at me. I blush and look down.

"Thank you for that alpha."

"Jeez, you're way too formal. Call me Wyrmripper. You've done a lot for us and thanks to Soothing I know you aren't lying to us about any of this, all I can do is sympathise with your situation. It sucks to be in love and be denied like that. By the way, that's your physical comfort quota for the year. Don't get any ideas about me being huggy. Though your reaction at the end was almost worth doing it anyway. Hehe."

I blush again, good job my feeling of self importance is currently missing because I can't dredge up any dignity in this situation. I take a seat again and Soothing returns with some more food for us all this time. With a quick thank you to Soothing, I start tucking into the food. It's beyond description right now. I haven't had real food in years. Each bite causes me to salivate more and I'm torn between shoving as much in my mouth as possible and taking my time with each delicious bite.

I'm so engrossed in devouring my food, I don't notice that both Soothing and Wyrmripper have finished theirs and are watching me with a grin. I chase the last baked bean around my plate with a piece of bread, scooping up the remainder of the juice and popping it into my mouth. Oh my god, I don't care about anything else right now. That was beyond delicious and my stomach feels ready to pop. I realise at this point the other two are staring at me with grins on their faces.

"Enjoy that?" says Soothing with a smirk.

I grin back and nod enthusiastically.

"We thought so. I thought you were gonna cum in your pants with the noises you were making there!" grins Wyrmripper.

Well, that blush almost stayed gone, now it's back full force and I'm pretty sure I'm doing a good impression of a beetroot.

"Shit.. Sorry. But it has been ten years since I last ate technically. You try going without proper food that long and not enjoying such a delicious treat after all that."

"Well, much as I'd like to stay and chat, the Sept representative should be here soon and I need to make sure we're all ready. Listen Alias, what this person says goes. We'll all tell them what's happened, but none of us will have the authority to over-ride them. Please be aware that we can't do anything more than what we have, okay?"

I nod and smile "You've done so much for me, more than I'm actually ever able to thank you for. I realise what you're trying to say and no matter what happens. I'm glad I met you guys."

Wyrmripper gives me a grin and walks on out. I turn to find a little smile on Soothing's face as well.

"I'm also very grateful to you Soothing. Thank you for telling me the truth and not hiding what I'd find out eventually. I'd rather have known than have it sprung on me."

"Is that why you told me what you'd done? Because you thought I'd think that way too?" reply's Soothing.

"Yes. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. It's not the easiest policy, but at least I'm honest."

That earns me another of the smiles I saw the first time I met him. I feel better almost instantly. I know I can do this, I just have to take my time and give it my best.

"I'll walk you back to the cell." Soothing says.

"Umm, could we take some food and drink for Rain please?"

Soothing smiles and nods, slipping into the kitchen area again and bringing out another bottle of water, a packet of sandwiches and some beef jerky, I think it is. We turn and I go first, returning to my cell and Rain.