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THE CHRONICLES OF FINALGAMER Mushrooms, Turtles and Pipes, Oh My!

"Two men look out between the same prison bars: One sees the mud, the other sees the stars." Frederick Langbridge

In the perfect blue sky amongst a land of picturesque plains sprawling for miles in every direction, something stirred. From the other side of air itself, came a slowly strengthening poke. A bend within the sky, breaking the symmetry of the fields. Among soft triangular hills, something burst from above to fall in a small rush of brown to the ground. Thankfully he did not fall too far, and it was a lovely summer day with the sun high and mighty in the clouds, which seemed to look down on the unconscious raptor while scuttling by. It was not long before the inhabitants would come to notice. Striding down the path came a small gang of rock-sized creatures, soon crowding around the raptor who laid face-down. "Yo, whassis freak?" "No idea, Goomul, think it's food?" "You kiddin', ba? Lookatit! All scaley like a koopa!" "Ain't no koopa I ever seen, ain't got no shell eitha." "Les take him to the boss, mebbe he'll know whatsit." When James opened his eyes, several hours later, he was now lying on his back, but now tied down. He realised this almost instantly when his limbs wouldn't rise up of his own will, bound by rope. All he could see was a wooden ceiling above him, with bare walls around him broken up only by an occasional picture or grotty cupboard. "Ey ba, the freak's up!" A punkish voice greeted him into full awakening. Five squatting anthropomorphic chocolate-coloured lumps stared down at him, waddling in little shoes, bearing angry wide eyes and toothy scowls. "Wha...where am I now?" "'Ey 'ey 'ey, you ain't the one askin' questions 'ere, freak."

The voice, a stronger authoritative one, came from a larger member of them that came into view. He was only separate-looking from the others, at least to the raptor anyway, by a black bandanna wrapped around the peak of his head. James decided to take a stronger tone in return. "Well, whoever you are, why the hell am I tied up?" "Well you stepped on our turf, or fell on it, whutever, an' you gotta pay the toll. Since you weren't able to cooperate, we had tah take ya back here." "How could I cooperate? I was unconscious." This small comment was rewarded with a kick to his face by a nearby shoe. "Shut yer beak, freak. But now that yer awake, how about paying that toll so you can go?" "Alright...how much?" "Ohhh about...hundred coins." "What kind of coins? We talking cents, pence, yen, septim?" "What kinda dope you talkin' 'bout? Ahm talkin' coins!" "Well whatever kind of coins you're talking about, I've nothing on me anyway. I'm sure you searched out my pockets already while I was asleep." "Whut about those green paper things?" "You're welcome to them but they're worthless here." As he kept him talking with an irritant tone, the raptor was testing the firmness of the ropes, realising he couldn't slash them apart at such tightness. He began to look around the room to see what could be used to his advantage, clenching his hands as he tensed up in preparation while they talked. "Well ya never know where weirdos like you can hide stuff," said the leader. "You mean...stuff like this?" With a rapid gesture of his fingers, one of the gang members noticed something shining in one of the raptor's hands. A bluish glow. "Yo, boss! He's got sumthin'!" "So you don't have any coins huh?! What DO you have then?" "Well..." the raptor smiled a knowing grin. "Why don't you have a look see?"

He opened his hands to reveal two small fireballs, burning through the wrist ropes before he blasted one of the goombas straight in the face with one of them. Another one of the goons tried to kick his head in with a stubby flying kick. He shanked with a finger thrust, driving the fist above the mouth and shooting a knuckle forwards to make it really hurt, but a third enemy leapt at him. He opened his fanged maw in preparation, and while he suffered a knock in the mouth that bruised his lip, he chomped down on the small shoe tightly. Trying to tear at the foot within as the goomba flailed and panicked like a ragdoll on fire, he pulled his hands up and punched two more gang members nearby before working on his ankle ropes. Soon he freed himself, with a few cuts at the ready as he spat out the foe's foot. "Still want me to pay the toll?" The boss was taken aback. Just his luck that he picked a fight with some kind of mage. They searched him entirely even! Him and the two others that James punched were still raring to go as he charged at the raptor. The newcomer dodged to one side and kicked one opponent hard into the wall like a football, before spinning round to tail whip the other, grabbing his scissors which were left leaning on a nearby wall. Now he had only their boss, who unexpectedly jumped into the air and bonked him on the head hard, turning his whole body upside down to headbutt him before bouncing back off.

The raptor fell back and nearly dropped his weapon, clutching his head in pain. It had already been kicked twice without needing a flying headbutt to make things worse. Seeing this opportunity, the boss charged once more at the raptor, who rolled out of the way and made a sweeping kick, tripping the punk before bending down with one foot on the assailant's body, pointing his blades down upon the panicked two-toothed expression. "Now...listen to me you two-toed piece of shit. Try that again and I'll make you nothing more than a smear on my feet. And I don't like my feet dirty. Got it?" At first the boss just sneered at him, but after a good punching near the eyes, he nodded hesitantly after yelling in pain. The raptor stepped off of him and walked out of their wooden hut, a ramshackle looking eyesore compared to the gorgeous land outside. It was something the raptor did not expect to see after such a rude awakening. A land so green and beautiful as if he were in a painting. With nowhere to think of going, he went back inside the hut and picked up the boss still on the ground. "Where's the nearest town?" "T-t-t-Toad Town!" "And how do I get there?" No response from the panicky punk, so the raptor negotiated. "Alright, this is my toll. But I charge for information. Now, your knowledge or your life, HOW do I reach this town?!" "J-just go east, okay?!? It's to yer left aftah ya get outta here!" "Thank you." And with that the raptor threw him against the wall with his fellow members, leaving the hut and going to his left. What surprised him the most at this point was how bad seeds could possibly come out of a place that looked so perfect. But then perhaps he was only seeing one side of it as he thought: Maybe this world's like a gorgeous apple with a buncha worms inside. Heh...well if there's any trouble, I think I can handle it. Nothing's gonna stop me now. He headed on, making sure that everything was intact in his satchel first, and eventually found a path going his way, with a sign nearby saying:

Toad Town this way ==>

The gang leader did not lie, thankfully. He headed further east, passing by various rows of trees and plants, as well as odd finger-like protrusions with sweet blinking black eyes. At first he was rather disturbed, but soon noticed something even more unusual. Everything seemed to have eyes around him. The hills, the clouds, the strange blue growths. They all seemed to stare down at him with a touch of innocence within them. Eventually he reached the outskirts of a town, with an emblem of a mushroom proudly displayed upon the entrance. Already he noticed that the place had a castle to the north, a train station to the south and some docks to the west of the station. Entering the town, he saw the inhabitants for the first time. Strange little humans with the faces and stature of children, who wore strange large hats like the tops of mushrooms. Some had red spots, some had green. Some had blue or even pink. It confused him somewhat. Are they like...living plants, thought the raptor, or is it like some kinda festival thing? ...this place is kinda like...what was it called again, that place where Sailor Dee lived, dammit I know this...aaagh never mind. Feels pretty innocent though, like nothing bad could ever happen here. ...I'm okay with this, I'd totally be up for some peace and quiet with nothing to fear. Nothing to fear at all. He decided to walk up to one of the locals and ask in his most pleasant polite voice: "Um, e-excuse me?" The mushroom-headed local turned around, one with red spots, blue shirt and blue pants. "Ah...U-uhhh yyyyeah?"

The local looked rather nervous at the sight of the new alien creature before him, so the raptor did his best not to show his teeth and act polite, despite looking fearsome enough with the scissors strapped on his back. Nevertheless, he slightly emphasised his London accent to sound pleasant. "I'm a little lost, could you tell me where I am exactly?" "Well, you're in Toad Town...you from far away?" "Uhhh you can say that, very far away." "From Dry Dry Desert? 'cuz you could have taken the train in shorter time." "Mmmm no no no, MUCH further away than that." "OH, like across the ocean?!" "Ahhh...yeah that's about it." "Ohhh wow. Yanno...you looked kinda like a Yoshi to me but...wasn't too sure to say in case-" "Well, I'm not a Yoshi really." Even if I dunno what the hell's a Yoshi, thought FG privately. "Oh right...well uhh...this is the Mushroom Kingdom! Welcome!" "Wow...uhhh thank you for the welcome!" "So I guess that makes me an ambassador to yer place now?" "Hahaha, ahhhh maybe, I certainly think you'd fit the job. Well, I'm gonna look around-" "Woah woah hold on there!" The local waved his hand at him for attention like a kid in class. "Ya might get lost being new here, why don't I show ya around a little?" The raptor didn't want to make a hassle to anyone to ask, but since this one offered, he thought it'd be a good way to get around. "Oh, would you? Thanks! I was really hoping for someone to show me around." "Glad ya talked to me then! Name's Gus T., what's yers?" "I'm James, pleased to meet you." "Alrighty James! Let's get this show on the road!"

The cheerful little local guided him by the hand, now more confident that this newcomer wasn't going to maul him with his claws. He was shown around to many places. A post office next to an inn where anyone could stay for free; a fortune teller's star-studded home; a ramshackle store where badges were sold; the castle of the royal monarch known as Princess Peach to the north; the train station; a martial arts dojo which FG took a particular interest in; a few stores that sold food and items; a guarded entrance to a large imposing forest east of the town, and lastly the docks. The docks themselves were not particularly interesting other than some rather unusual other newcomers that had arrived by natural means. Merchant vessels and passenger cruisers docked nicely upon the calm waves of the sea. There was however a bar called Club 64, which made James think fondly back to his days bartending at the Two by Two. The tour ended at the harbour. "So, ya like the place so far?" asked the local He hoped he made a good job being an ambassador to this new creature, secretly pondering it for a future career but only briefly. "Actually yeah, this looks real pleasant to live in...don't suppose there are other places at all to stop at? I'm just really travelling." "Well...uhm, the Dry Dry Desert Outpost is by train, and there's Gusty Gulch past that forest, and OOH, the Koopa Village past the post office! There are some other koopa villages around the place but that's the closest and best known one." "Koopa huh? What are they like?" "Well...uhh they're scaly like you with shells on 'em. Some live in the village but others went and joined up King Bowser's forces." "King Bowser? Is he your king?" "Oh NO! Nooo no no no, he's the guy trying to take over our kingdom, he lives way off in the lava mountains far away. He's ALWAYS kidnapping the Princess, she's the one who rules us." "Wow...I uh guess you got a good army?" "Ahhh..." Gus T. rubbed his neck in a shameful look. "Not really, but we got two heroes that ALWAYS get us outta trouble!" "Well, that's good to know. I think I might stay in town a little while and get used to the region. Thanks a lot for your help!" "No problem! See ya!"

And with that, Gus T. ran off back to the town's entrance, leaving James to stride out on his own little tour. He considered visiting the castle, but didn't want to offend anyone too soon with inappropriate mannerisms. He had no money on him either to pay for anything so he couldn't have any food for now, which wasn't bothering him at the moment. Unsure of what to do, the raptor sat at the harbourside amongst fishermen and sailors, staring off into the infinite ocean horizon stretching before him "Mushroom Kingdom. Sounds....weird." "Yah got that righ' matey." The one who said this was a red-shelled two-legged turtle who sat beside him, staring out to sea. His beak was slightly cracked with with age, crow's feet around his eyes with one or two markings that FG could make out on the shell. The smaller reptile, barely past five feet tall, brought out a small packed lunch and began eating a sandwich while he talked, his accent that of the sea-faring traveller. "New here aintcha?" "Uhhh yeah. You're a...koopa right?" "Hah, ya must be frum real far away to ask that...where ya hail from?" "Far away, like you said." "Got a name fer it?" "Not at the moment." "...fair enough." The koopa respected James' discretion and said no more on the subject. "Jus' came back from Beanbean Kingdom meself. Can I ask yer species at least? Never seen one like ya." "I'm a raptor. Velociraptor." "Quite a mouthful that, first toim 'ere in Toad Town?" "Yep, kinda not sure where else to go, and it's too early to go rest at the inn." "Mmmm...well, there is the club." "Heh, got no money, kinda used it all up." "Agh, you'll find sum soon, dontcha fret." "Optimistic arentcha?" "Nope, just realistic." "...that's the most positive outlook of a realist I ever heard then." "Whysat? Oooh, ship comin' in!" James gazed to where the older koopa pointed to where a ship was slowly harbouring into port. It appeared to be a merchant vessel returning from tropical seas, judging by the cargo they soon unloaded as a variety of delicious fruits. Watermelons, bananas, even green coconuts. What intrigued FG more however was the crew itself of the ship. A motley crew of several creatures including the mushroom-headed folk, koopas and what he could only describe as walking cartoonish bombs. James' eyes widened as his thoughts ran into a slight panic.

Is...is that a bomb? with LEGS?! ...tiny tiny legs, I can't even see them, just the boots! It's even got eyes! And a fuse and one of those windup thingies! ...maybe it's a robot? Do they explode?! I better ask. "Hey what are those?" The old koopa looked at FG. "Whut are whut?" "The uh...bomb guys?" "...Bob-ombs lad. Never seen one in yer life?" "Um...nope." "Ho ho ho, wonder whut kinda place you came from then eh?" "A-are they...like...bombs? Living bombs?" "Yup. Pretty decent folk, but if they get excited or angry then...boom." "Wh-what?!" Holy shit it's an entire race of suicide bombers! "T-they just explode?! Like that!?" "Oh yup." "B-but...shit that's scary, h-how dangerous is the blast?!" "Mmmmnot that bad, worst is ya might get sum shrapnel but it's not loik actual dynamite or summat, hell they don' even feel the pain that much." "They don't?!" "Nah they're fine after a li'l blastin', righ' as rain." "...right...well, that's "weird shit new to me" number one on the list." The koopa laughed at the awkwardness of the newcomer, patting him sympathetically on the back. "Ohhhhh you'll get used to it lad, you get used to it. Whut's yer name?" "Uhhh James. You?" "Karp." "...you're named after a fish?" "Hehehe, cuz I looked like one when I were a baby, 'specially with thuh red shell an' all." "Heheh, right. ...what about the mushroom-heads, what are they called?" "Toads." "Ah...welp I'm gonna go explore, nice talkin' with ya Karp." "And you James, moind yersel'!" Waving to the welcoming old sea turtle, the raptor headed back into town to further explore the place open unto him. His best estimate was to go to the Koopa Village for now, rather taking a liking to the idea of being with a group of fellow reptiles once more. Especially if they were as pleasant and forthcoming as Karp. As he had already rested, there was no real need to go to the Toad House inn, so he considered instead on where to go in the world. Deciding to keep moving, he looked along the various ways to other parts of the world. The forest to the gulch, the train to the desert, across the ocean in a ship, or a stroll along the fields. He was rather more interested in the koopas however, as he wandered past the Toad House and into the fields towards Koopa Village. He also had to find someone of either magic or science to find a suitable way home, but he decided to relax with the world's disarming atmosphere, and just take his time. While on his way, he got bumped in the gut hard by someone coming the other way. "UNGH! Hey watch it!"

FG looked upon the one who bumped into him, a Toad with long eyelashes and purple spots, who spoke with a female voice. "Oh, sorry sorry! I...I jus...I...mph..." She looked about to burst into tears so he thought to lend an ear. "is something wrong, miss?" "Th-...those punks! Those horrible little brats!" "What are you on about? Tell me, what's wrong?" "I was just heading back from Koopa Village, and four of them jumped me! They were real fast and had these bandannas on them and, they STOLE all my coins!" "Damn that's terrible, sorry to hear miss. Aren't you gonna call the police or whoever's in charge?" "Well...I...I..." "...there ARE police here, aren't there? Royal guards at least, since you're in a kingdom?" "Oh they do NOTHING, the Princess has been kidnapped more times than there's spots on my head, they can't touch four ninja koopas!" She sat on the path in defeat, too exhausted and angry to cry. She suddenly jumped up with a squeak and pulled out something from the ground. "URGH just great! My money's gone and my behind's burnt with this stupid flower!" "Burnt?" He examined the thing she pulled out, an oval flower that pulsed with a red and orange glow of fire staring up with cute little black eyes. Must be poisonous or something, he thought, but looks pretty cute...real warm for a flower though. He put it into a pocket of his satchel seeing it wasn't poisonous to touch and finding the flower intriguingly adorable. Since he needed to go somewhere and had nothing else to do, as well as feeling the panging guilt of morality begin to rise, he nodded and offered: "Listen, why don't I go and deal with this gang of thugs for you?" "Wh-what? Would you?" "I wouldn't feel right if I didn't, miss, especially when I can handle a few kids." "Bu-but they're ninjas! You'd get hurt!" "Ohhh you don't know what I can do...but they will, soon. Where did they attack you?" "J-just...um...on the road to Koopamuir, near this cluster of trees on the path halfway." "Righto then. See you in a few!" With a new direction, the raptor headed off into the plains, happy that he had something to do and finding a way get a shoe-in with the community somehow. The place never seemed to change in terms of colour, always a most summer-filled green of dazzling vitality. He wondered on the few scraps of knowledge he had on plants, like the soil pH or...and that was all he knew. He barely remembered anymore, and rather did not want to remember where he read it. Then he reconsidered as he stiffened his arms.

No wait, what the hell am I thinking, of course I can remember, I'm over it now. But...does the same thing for coffee beans apply to other plants on where to grow them? He shook his mind off the subject and before he knew it, he was at a particular cluster of trees. He saw a town sprawling slightly downwards in a lower area to the north, presumably Koopamuir. As he stepped closer, he looked around himself for anything coming. He tried not to look too alert as that would give the game away on being prepared. He reached just beyond the copse when four shadows leaped from various areas around him, as if they covered each corner of his eye. They stood before him, four koopas, anthropomorphic turtles with shells and bandannas of red, black, yellow and green. "Hehey dudes," began the yellow one, "Lookit this one. What happened to you browny, fall in a Goomba's mess?" "Yeah check his beak dude," spoke the black one, "what's with the marks, keeping a scorecard?" "Yes," began FG lowly to inspire a little reluctant fear in them, "...it's how many tens of people I've killed. Wanna help me add another?" They merely scoffed, not afraid except for one of them who was unsure. "You really think you can take us?" challenged the red one, "Just be sensible and give over the coins dude." "I've never been sensible, why should I start now?" "Cuz yer gonna get a knocking if ya don't no-shell!" shouted the green one, "Now hand 'em over!" "I can't." "Why not?" "No money. Whatcha gonna do now?" The red koopa rubbed his beak neatly with a pondering, and replied: "Well, just gonna have to give you something to remember us by-GREEN SHELL!" At the sudden shout, the green koopa spun himself towards the raptor, who heard the spin and dodged out of the way, though not fast enough entirely as his arm got hit by the spinning shell, feeling like a solid punch to his elbow. The pain made his arm spasm as his elbow throbbed with the hammer-like blow.

Backing away from the gang so all four were in view, he ignored the numbing pain of his arm and went for the koopa most apart from the rest, the yellow one. The yellow koopa jumped above the raptor. He merely responded with a slashing uppercut, scraping the shelled assailant with a solid clang into the air before leaping up to kick the shell into his friends, knocking down the black and red koopas. Green, being unaffected, spun towards FG again, but this time the raptor was ready, dodging out of the way before delivering a sideways clubbing with the side of his scissors. Thwacking the shell backwards, he was confident that he couldn't grievously wound them through their natural armour. They were just punks after all, not worth killing especially in a place like this. The four of them were now on their backs, but quickly got up in surprised anger as Red clenched his fists. "Hah, you got lucky freak!" "I'll get even luckier with you," retorted James, "unless you give back the money of the woman you mugged earlier." "Wha?! Who?!" "The one with purple spots on her mushroom head. Give back her money now, or I'm playing some Koopa Croquet." "No way! That toadette has to know this is OUR patch, like the rest of the toads! You think you got ALL the skills to mess with us?" "Yeah!" advocated Yellow, "You wanna feel some shells in yer head, weirdo?" "Why don't you prove it?" taunted FG. "Right here and now, show me what you can do together." "Oh...oh, oh, you are SO gonna regret that!" claimed Black, "You know who we are? We're with King Bowser! An' this is only the start! We're more than just a buncha muggers, we're gonna take over this part of the kingdom with his help!" "Ohhh you're lackeys of a demon king? First you're ninjas and now you're demons. You boys have one active imagination." FG turned away in contempt to insult them. "Why don't you go back home and play your li'l tabletop games? It doesn't matter how much you roll when I'll still kick your pasty little shells." "OH YEAH!?! Well get ready cuz we're gonna kick yer butt." Red spoke this darkly as he gathered his allies close to him. "KOOPAS! It's awesome time!" "Yeah! Cowabun-GAH OW!" Green received a slap in the face for this comment from Red. "What did I tell you about uncool phrases!? Anyways, KOOPAS! Awesomeness, GO!" And they then did something...indescribably cool.

At least to them it was indescribably cool, but to the raptor it was just them thrusting their fingers towards the sky in a group pose, before they made themselves into a tower of koopa shells. All of them retracted into their shells and spun together rapidly with surprising synchronisation. The raptor braced himself as they spun forwards as one tower, amazingly keeping their balance as he dodged out of the way, only to be met with Red from the top of the tower. Swinging out of his shell by grabbing Black's extended legs, he turned himself into a flail and kicked James full in the face and chest, sending him flying back into the path of the koopa tower, to receive several spinning blows to further knock him about. The raptor felt his head spinning from the rapid-fire blows, trying to focus, but falling back on his rear made him feel a warm burning in his pocket. He pulled out the flower he had picked up earlier and one of the koopas noticed it. "GAH, he's got a fire flower! HE'S PACKING HEAT!" Unsure of what it did but seeing the fear in his opponents, he put the flower before him like he would hold a gun, the roots like the handle and the stem like the barrel. Even more surprisingly, it shot out flames before his eyes like a flamethrower, his eyes reflecting amazement at what a little flower could do. His mouth widened wickedly with ideas. "Yeaaaaaaah that's right, I'm loaded and ready to burn your shells black with! So back the FUCK off and give me the money! I got a flower and I'm not afraid to use it!" As weird as it sounded, it seemed to work. "Woah woah woah, keep it cool dude." Yellow tried to calm him down as they disassembled their tower to stand before him. "No need to bring a flower into a shell fight." "No need to go about mugging people either," said James, "now cough it up before you start coughing up smoke." "Hey-ey-ey, let's cut a deal dude, huh? You put the flower down, an' you can join our gang! Yeah, we can do all kinds of stuff, it'll be awesome!" This response caused Yellow to get burnt by the fire flower as it was aimed at him, who in turn began to run around in a panic with his bandanna on fire and his shell scorched. "AAAH, AAAAH, AAAAAH, OH STARS IT BURNS GETITOFF GETITOFF GETITOFF-" One of his friends, Black, took the bandanna off and stomped it free of flames, while James kept the flower aimed at the gang. "Not very ninja-like is it? Running around screaming on fire?" "You're gonna regret that, pal!"

Green tried to charge at FG to only end up with a burnt foot from the fire flower, as the raptor stepped closer. He even threw them off-guard with a feint to the left and with the fire flower aimed at Red's beak. "One wrong move and tonight I dine on turtle soup. Now...the money you took today, please." Red grunted in defeated irritation as he pulled a purse out of his shell slowly, which James snatched swiftly. Soon he began to back away slowly with fire flower still aimed at Red's face, before he said: "I'm gonna let you go today. But if I hear anymore happening from you guys, I'll be back...with or without this little beauty." And with that, he ran from the ninja koopa brothers back to Toad Town, to only hear them murmur: "I am SO sick of those things!" Feeling very pleased with himself, he put the flower into the ground, covering it in soil near a nice area. "Lemme just put you back here." He didn't know anything on gardening, but he tried his best to put the plant back in the ground carefully, before heading back to town. Thankfully, he found the purple spotted toadette still sitting where she had been, right next to the Toad House. "Miss?" "Oh! You're back!" "Yep, with my gift." He produced from his pocket a small purse of coins, which the toadette took back with surprised joy. "AAAAH! MY PURSE! Oh thank you so much sir, thank you THANK YOU! Ohh I owe you something, please let me-" "Woah, no no, please, it's your money, I'm just glad I got it back, alright?" "No no no I insist, please let me repay you!" She swiftly offered him 8 solid large coins, almost oval-shaped with a small vertical rectangular depression in the centre. It felt like solid gold, and James was rather surprised, knowing most coins of his world were made of nickel-brass. "Wow...uh, thank you! I actually needed a bit of money." "It's the least I can do for being such a big help. Listen, if you ever need any help, please come to my place by the train station and I will do whatever I can! Bye now!" "See ya!" She hurried off towards her home in the southern area as he waved to her. Well, he thought, that makes me fit in a little easier now. I just hope this Bowser guy won't pull any big guns after me. ...oh, wait, dammit did I just make an enemy out of the big bad king here? ...shit I better be careful then. With a nervous smile to himself, he rubbed his head gently and decided to make his way to the Koopa Village instead for a little exploration.