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I've always been the one for dwelling in the past. With so many questions left unanswered, I had the feeling that I had to dive into the past to find the answers I needed in order to move on in the present. But hardly anything was answered by looking it up on the internet... It only raised more questions than I already had... And it made me feel kind of helpless... Like I was trying to catch the wind... It's out there somewhere but you simply can't grasp it... It was difficult for me, it really was... I wasn't able to go on for much longer, afraid that I might've remembered things I tried to forget for so long... So I wasn't able to close down that chapter of my life and give it a place to rest... Living with it is difficult, more than you'll ever know... What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I suppose... But no matter how strong you are, everyone has their breaking-point... I was no exception...

Day in, day out, I was wondering where my life was heading. Every day, I asked myself questions I wasn't too sure about the answer I was gonna give myself. What my place in life would be and how I was ever gonna make it through... But what kept me busy the most was to ask myself what my relationship with Nikki really meant to me... I needed so much more from her then she would ever give me and something told me that Nikki wasn't able to cope with that... Being a needy girl in general didn't help us at all... She had to show me that she loved me by telling me that every day and to hold me, just to let me know that everything I've been through in order to be with her was worthwhile in the end. But she simply just didn't... It hurt me so much every time she moved her hand away whenever I held hers... It hurt me so much whenever I kissed her and she wasn't looking back at me afterwards... No longer showing that reassuring smile she used to have back when we were still just friends... Always gave me the impression that she was ashamed of us by averting her eyes from mine... But what hurt me the most was that she made me feel so helpless about it... That she didn't see what it did to me. Made me feel as if I didn't do enough to save us... Somewhere, deep down inside, I had the feeling that Nikki simply didn't want to see what was really happening... What she unintentionally did to me and how it made me feel... Living in her own fantasy world where everything was perfect between us... But I knew better than that... Talking to her about it didn't help, no matter how many times I tried... So it wasn't a surprise that I often lost my patience with her whenever I talked to her about my feelings, where I became either mad by yelling at her or crying my eyes out, in a desperate attempt to make her understand... No matter what happened to me, the same always happened to her... She clammed up on me, not being able to speak up her mind... It drove me insane that she wasn't sharing her problems with me, just so that I would be able to help her... It made me feel as if everything that was happening between us was all my fault... Perhaps it really was... I noticed that my relationship problems started to affect my health, having nightmares and sleepless nights that became more frequent... So I knew I had to find a way to distract myself from all the problems I had in my relationship with her before I too was going to lose it...

I found some distraction by going to the gym, like I used to when I was younger. It's still pretty awkward though, even today it is, to sit on a bench in the women's locker room and watch how they were taking a shower... It wouldn't be that bad if I wasn't bi but I wasn't exactly looking at their beautiful personality, if you know what I mean... I admit I always took a locker next to the open shower area, just so that I could take a peek at some pussies and asses... But sadly, not every woman who comes in was worth the watch... Some were just downright horrible to look at... Some people say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover but come on... You can't fool me that you only fall in love with a girl because of her good personality... No, good looks are also preferable... So I often just sat there on the bench while looking from the corner of my eyes at all those lovely treats... So yeah, that was a nice distraction from all the shit happening... Being in the gym and exercise my ass off made me feel good... And just when I thought I had to come over more often, I saw someone I haven't seen in a long time...

When the treadmill said the cool-down period was started, the timer was set for five minutes and slowed down for me to walk. I grabbed my towel and wiped the sweat of my forehead while snatching my bottle of water from the holder, chucking it down. Jogging for almost half an hour really wore me out but I was glad I managed to. Once those five minutes were up, the treadmill came to a stop and I stood there for a second, catching my breath. The moment I drank up my entire bottle of water, I took a few paper towels from the dispenser and sprayed it with some hygienic stuff to clean the treadmill. And while I was doing that, I heard a voice I haven't heard in quite a while... The loud music made it difficult to hear where it was coming from so I looked around... And all of a sudden, I saw him, in the distance, near the rowing machines... "Oh my god, nooo... Don't tell me that's him! Please don't let him see me!" I kept my eye on him as I made my way to the bin to throw those towels away... Grabbing my things, I quickly made my way upstairs to do some abdominal exercises. Once I was upstairs, I thought I was finally in the clear. So I continued my workout on an ab roller by doing twelve sets of ten... Once I was done with that, I sat upright to catch my breath once more... And then I noticed he was lifting weights right in front of me... There was an uneasy silence the moment the two of us noticed each other... He looked very surprised to say the least... And I've never experienced a more awkward moment in my life before... 'Ceylan?' '... Hi, Terry.' 'Heh... It's, uh... It's been a while, hasn't it?' 'It sure is... Uhm... How're you doing...?' 'I'm good. You?' 'I'm okay... You alone here?'

All of a sudden, some raccoon girl showed up out of nowhere and stood next to Terry. She gave him a kiss on his lips and placed her arm around his shoulder, giving him a cuddle... That was, uh... Heh... That was very painful to have seen that... I just couldn't believe what I was seeing, you know...? Seeing him again made me realize that I gave up on something that wasn't worth the sacrifice... So it couldn't have been more painful to see him with another girl and to have moved on... I bit my lips as I averted my eyes from them... 'I'm done for today, Terry. We should go soon.' 'Yeah, I'll be there in a second.' 'Sure thing. I'm gonna change and wait for you downstairs in the lobby.' 'Alright, see you there.'

That raccoon girl looked at me but she had a really friendly smile on her face. Looked good too... But knowing that she was taking my place was painful... I guess that Terry and I both moved on except it worked out for him in the end and, well... Not for me... The moment she walked away, I looked down, feeling absolutely shattered and ashamed about everything... Nevertheless, I couldn't blame Terry for moving on... 'What's her name...?' 'Michelle.' 'She seems nice...' 'Yeah, she is.' 'So... I guess it all worked out for you then...' 'What else is there to do but to move on? We all did eventually.' 'I can't blame that you did... She's beautiful...' 'Thanks... Hey, I need to get going, okay?' 'Y-Yeah... Yeah, of course... I understand...' 'Alright...'

Terry got up and grabbed his things but he wasn't looking at me anymore... Not even when he walked away from me... I watched how he entered the male's locker room without looking back... There used to be a time that he always looked back at least once whenever he left but now he didn't... And all I did was sitting on the bench while my mind was spinning, feeling so empty on the inside... I looked at my workout schedule and I only did the first two things on the list... But I wasn't feeling like it anymore... All I wanted was to go home...

It didn't take long before I got outside... I skipped the shower and dressed myself as fast as I could... Once I got to my car, I unlocked it and sat behind the wheel, feeling so fucked up... I sat there for a while, just staring in blank space until I saw Terry and Michelle walking hand in hand across the parking lot... It just wasn't fair, you know...? So many things left to say and yet I would never get the chance again to tell him... Knowing how things were going with Nikki and to see him walking hand in hand with his new girl made me regret so many things... Feeling regret of things I shouldn't have said or done to him... Regret that I never told him the truth, simply because I was too scared... It didn't seem like he was bothered by that... I never really was able to let go of things... So letting go of Terry was no exception... Seeing him that evening really moved me... It made me realize that my feelings for him never left... I got occupied with other things that made me forget but it was still there nevertheless... Terry might've moved on... But that evening, I realized that I never could...

I was so carried away in thoughts and got snapped out of it the moment I heard my mobile phone ringing... Looking at the display, I saw that Nikki called me... I didn't want to go to her, knowing that things would never change with her... Nevertheless, I answered my phone... 'Hey, Nic...' 'Hi... Are you still coming over tonight...?' '... No, I'm sorry... I just... It's been a long day and I'm really tired...' 'Oh... I see... Uhm...' 'I just wanna go home, take a shower and go to bed...' 'You can take a shower at my place and stay over for the night...' 'No, I'm sorry... I just don't feel like doing anything right now...' 'Is everything alright, Ceylan...?' 'Y-Yeah, I-I'm fine... I just... I-I just need to go home right now...' 'Alright... Take care of yourself...' 'I will...' 'I love you...' '... I love you too...'

Once the call got disconnected, I stared at the display of my mobile phone for a while, thinking things through... I know I've said to her that I loved her too but hearing the hesitation in my voice made me doubt if I really did... And yet her voice sounded sincere the moment she quietly said it... Nevertheless, it didn't make me feel any better... And I just sat there in my car for a while, trying to make sense of everything...

Things didn't change for me over the following days. I kept seeing that image of Terry with his new girl and well... It made me realize that I never managed to let go of him... Day after day, I felt lonely... I felt so messed up knowing that my relationship with Nikki was going nowhere... But she was all I have... I never gave up on the idea that things would get better between us... So when she called me on a Friday evening and asked me to come over, I did... She made dinner and we watched a movie, like we usually did but I wasn't exactly paying attention to it... I felt the need to talk about what happened... But most importantly, the need to talk about our relationship... 'You never guessed who I saw last week.' 'Who did you see?' 'Terry...' 'Oh... How's he doing?' 'He's doing very well, I suppose... Has a new girlfriend and all, so...' 'I see...' 'It's just, like... You know, like he forgot about us and that we ever existed...' 'Yeah... I get the same feeling, Ceylan...'

Nikki placed the bowl of popcorn back on the table and curled herself up on the couch, leaning against me. I closed my eyes the moment she caressed my hair... I can't tell you how much of a lovely feeling that was... 'You miss him too, don't you...?' 'Yeah... I do...' 'Would you, uh...' 'Hm?' 'Would you go back to him...? I-If he wanted to...?' 'I wouldn't know...'

I sighed quietly and took a handful of popcorn from the bowl, eating one at a time while thinking what I was gonna tell her... 'Did you ever had the feeling that no matter what you'd do, no matter who you'd be with, there would always be something feeling empty inside of you...?' 'No...' 'Well, I do... I've been feeling it for years and yet... I still don't know what the cause of that is...' 'Oh...' 'Sometimes I get the feeling that I don't know what it takes to be in a relationship as well...' 'That's how I sometimes feel...' 'Yes... Like you feel...' 'Heh...' 'It's confusing...' 'I-I know...' 'And... A lot of things happened that can be blamed on me, Nic... I know... But I make mistakes too, you know... But after tonight, I realized that some mistakes can't be set right...'

It was a bit of a dick move to have told her that... Insinuating that my relationship with her was a mistake... Insinuating that she was the problem... In some way she was, but... Right that very second, I realized I shouldn't have said that... I didn't mean it like that... But with all things said and done, what else could I do to make her understand...? Nikki wasn't looking at me anymore, knowing that I wasn't the only one to blame for all the things that happened... 'You think it's a mistake to be with me...?' 'Nic... I didn't mean it like that but...' 'D-Do you...?' 'What would you expect me to tell you...?' 'I don't wanna lose you, Ceylan... Please...' 'I know... But sometimes I get the idea that you think it's a mistake to be with me instead... And that I already lost you...' 'Heh...' 'Most of the time, you're very distant with me and... All I want is reassurance... Just to let me know that it was all worth it... I gave myself to you in every way imaginable... Gave you so many things I don't get in return while I need that the most... And I know it confuses you and that it makes you feel insecure about us... But I need you the most, Nic... I can't tell you how much I need you... Not only as my friend, but as my girlfriend as well...'

I've told her this a million times and yet... I've always had the feeling she knew what was happening right from the very beginning... Nikki just didn't do anything with it... A relationship should come naturally but the longer I stayed with her, the more I felt that she got forced into things she wasn't ready for... I know she loves me and that she wanted to make it work between us but at some point, I had the feeling that she already gave up on me... Already gave up on us... So she wasn't answering me, like she usually did whenever I talked about it... 'Why can't you talk to me about it, Nic...?' 'I want to... I just don't know what to say or how to explain it...' 'Heh...' 'I've got things on my mind that neither you or me can give the answer to...' 'Like what, for example?' 'My orientation, my feelings for you...' 'You doubt your feelings for me...?' 'No, that's the thing... I don't have any doubts about my feelings for you, I know they're real... I just wish I could find a way to know for sure...' 'What do you mean...?' 'To find out how sincere my feelings for you really are...' '... Is there someone else...?' 'No... You told me that you're bi and that you've struggled with it in the past... You told me that it made you feel confused about it... But at least you know for sure...' 'And you don't...?' 'I've always told myself that I'm lesbian... But it's easy to stick a label on someone just to give it a name... Sticking a label to yourself doesn't represent who you really are... It makes me feel that no matter how long I'm searching for it, I'll never find out what my place would be...' 'Why...?' 'Because being with you is the best thing that ever happened to me... But it's also the most confusing... I don't have doubts about us... I have doubts about myself... And as long as I have that, I'll never be able to give in... Never be able to be who I really am... I know you want to help me but truth is... No one can... Only I can find out for myself...'

It sounded all too familiar... That night, I realized that it wasn't just about the sex or about us... She was in search of herself as well, just like I was... And she was right, no one can give you the answer to that... It was that night that she made me realize that I was putting her under a lot of pressure in an attempt to get the answers from her instead, just so that I could blame it on something and give it a place to rest... But truth is, I couldn't blame it on Nikki, simply because I've been through the same thing myself... I've put Terry through a lot of bullshit but dropped him like a brick in the end... Now Nikki was doing the same thing to me and it made me realize how Terry must've felt... How hopeless and powerless he must've felt when he tried to save what was left of us... And I was experiencing the exact same thing now... It's no one's fault... It's just the way things are... Nikki knew all too well what was going on between us... And that night, I finally understand... Being in a relationship and having feelings for me made her question so many things about herself... Things she wasn't able to place or knew the answer to... I know how confusing that can be... And because of that, Nikki never was able to give in to it... Always having doubts... To always be confused will eventually cause you to reach your breaking-point... I once told Terry that he had to take my doubts away, just so that I could give it a place and give in to my feelings for him... But now I was going through the same things that I've put Terry through... Karma's a bitch, you know...

I've slept with her that night... Doing what I always did to her in an attempt to take her doubts away... It's the only way I've ever known... But the fact that her back was facing me afterwards made me think that she would only have more doubts... Not just about herself but about me as well... I thought about it in bed for a long time... Watching how the minutes were passing by on the clock... After about one and a half hours, I heard the front door opening up... "That must be Meagan..." Judging by the sounds I heard, I started to picture what she was doing... I heard her how her high heels were ticking on the wooden floor for a moment until it stopped... Supposedly took her shoes off because it made too much noise... The sound of paper being torn, followed by a moment of silence... A quiet gasp... And then nothing... I heard the door in the next room closing quietly after a while... And after a long moment of silence, I could hear Meagan crying quietly, sniffing her nose every once in a while until it turned to silence once more until I heard a guitar playing softly that had a very familiar melody... It was actually kind of soothing to hear it... But it didn't take long before the sniffing started again... So I've put my underwear on and went to her room, quietly knocking on her door... I expected her to watch someone on YouTube who was playing an acoustic instrumental version of that song but to my surprise, I saw that Meagan was holding a guitar, quietly strumming on it... She stopped playing her guitar and looked surprised the moment she saw me... 'Hey...' 'Ceylan...? I hope I didn't wake you...' 'It's okay... I couldn't sleep anyway... I didn't know you play guitar...' 'There are a lot of things you don't know about me...' 'That sounded like Tracy Chapman...' 'You know her...?' 'Well, I know that song of her... Fast Car, wasn't it...?' 'Yeah... Hehe...' 'It sounded really good...' 'Thank you...' 'Is everything okay...?' 'No... No, not really...' 'What happened...?'

She sighed quietly and placed her guitar on her bed the moment I sat next to her... I know this wasn't the time but Meagan looked awfully hot in her nightie... She has incredible legs to say the least... It's a good thing she didn't notice I was looking at her legs, seeing as I had a hard time to avert my eyes... But the moment she looked at me, I quickly looked back at her... 'I got a reminder from my insurance company...' 'Oh...?' 'Yeah... It's the only kind of mail I'm getting lately...' 'Oh, I see...' 'I really don't know how I'll ever be able to pull it off...' 'How'd you manage to get in this situation in the first place...?' 'Long story...' 'The night is still young...' 'Heh... My dad had debts but with him being dead doesn't mean it goes away...' 'What kind of debts...?' 'He had a painting company and took a forty thousand dinar loan from the bank to keep his business running. And once I graduated high school, I started working as a receptionist and had another job on the side... So I agreed that the loan was going to be a shared debt and signed the contract with my name to help him out... Now that he committed suicide, it all comes down on me to pay up...' 'Didn't his life insurance covered that...?' 'Suicide isn't covered in their policy if it takes place within ten years of signing the contract... I guess he simply forgot to read the fine print...' 'I see...' 'So yeah...' 'How much do you need to pay back...?' 'It's more than three hundred thousand dinar in total...' 'Wow... Uh...' 'Yeah, it's a lot...' 'It sure is... What about your family...?' 'They're helping me as much as they can... I just don't want to be in their debts as well... Not that they expect me to pay them back but... I just don't like the idea of owing my own family money...' 'I understand... What about his hardware store? Isn't that your property now?' 'Hardly... The shop premises was hired so no, it's not my property... Besides, I don't know a thing about running a shop nor do I have the means to keep it running... So it's for rent again... If I was able to sell it, I wouldn't be in this mess...'

She looked at me and had a weak smile on her face... But the moment she averted her eyes from me and closed them, I saw a tear rolling down her cheek... 'What am I gonna do, Ceylan...?' 'I honestly don't know...' 'Every day I work my ass off and for what...? Everything I work for gets taken away again... I don't see why I should keep on going...' 'Running away from it wouldn't solve anything... I would know...' 'I can't build up my life like this...' 'I know...' 'Heh... Nikki knows I'm having trouble making ends meet but she doesn't know it's that bad... I've always kept it to myself...' 'Kept what to yourself?' 'Several months ago, Nikki and I almost got evicted... We had a rent arrear of three months...' 'Three months...?? Nikki didn't know about that...?' 'No... I separated the mail and hid those envelopes from the home agency from her... It was a close call but... Luckily, I've managed to set a paying agreement with them... I couldn't live with myself if Nikki got evicted because of me...' 'I see...' 'It's all just one magnificent shithole that I'm in... I'm just trying to find my way out of it...'

It stayed silent for a long time... Meagan looked at me and knew I wasn't able to help her out... Truth be told, I wouldn't know if I'd help her, even if I could... Might be a little selfish but then again, I didn't forget how Meagan treated me... Can't say I held a grudge though... I just don't forgive and forget so easily... And I think somewhere, deep down inside, she knew... Meagan looked at her guitar and I realized that Meagan and I weren't that much different... We all had things in which we could lose ourselves and forget about our worries... Nikki did that by drawing... I did that by writing... And Meagan did that by playing guitar... I smiled at her when I realized that... So I got hold of her guitar and handed it over to her... Meagan looked a little surprised at first but smiled weakly the moment she took it... 'You know any songs of Mark Knopfler...? Can you play "What it is"...?' 'Hehe, I'm not nearly as good...' 'Uhm... Eric Clapton, Tears in Heaven...?' 'I know Heartbeats...' 'José Gonzalez...?' 'Yes... Might sound a little rusty though...' 'Can I hear...?' 'Heh... Sure...'

She closed her eyes the moment she was quietly strumming her guitar... Throughout the song, Meagan never opened her eyes... She played the melody a lot slower than the original... But I guess that's what made it so great to listen to... To see how she lost herself in the music she made was a wonderful thing to see... The song wasn't entirely flawless though... Every once in a while, I heard a false note but... I didn't care about that... Listening to her and to have seen her smile... As if it was the only thing in the world for her worth having... Something she cherished the most... All the worries she had were lifted off of her shoulders while she was playing... It might've not lasted long, only several minutes... But sometimes, that's all it takes to find the strength to move on... To take on another day and everything that life can throw at you...

Feeling helpless is one of the worst things you could possibly feel... Knowing that you're not able to help your loved ones when they need you the most is a hard thing to swallow... I couldn't help Nikki, no matter what I tried, no matter how I tried... It was something that only she could solve for herself... In my culture, it is believed that we all have our inner demons that must be fought. Fighting them proves your determination and that your will is unbreakable to follow the road that has been set out for you. That fighting your own demons makes a stronger person out of you. Religions and cultures always share similar insights regarding your own sins. It's where the story of "Do Eoji et e Janandira" comes from, about facing your own demons. We all have our own inner demons to defeat. No matter how much I wanted to, I wasn't able to help Nikki fight against hers. It was a fight I couldn't win. I wasn't even able to face my own inner demons, with all the nightmares I had... Feeling so helpless and knowing that my relationship with Nikki was crumbling apart, living with the idea to lose her... To have seen Terry with his new girl... Feeling guilty... The death of my family and relatives during the war... Mikaela, and everything that happened in that period of my life... Fucking it up with the people I cared for the most, causing them to disappear out of my life... The confusions about my sexuality and looking for my place in this life... It all just floated up... I know I asked myself a lot of questions of which I didn't know the answer... But there was one particular question that drove me insane the most... How much longer are you able to catch the things that life throws at you before reaching your breaking-point...?