FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

No matter how much I wanted to change things, they simply didn't. As the weeks passed by, things stayed the same... My one-sided relationship with Nikki... The constant arguments and fights I had with Meagan... And me, waking up every morning knowing it'll never change... It was frustrating to know that it was the only thing that was waiting for me whenever I set foot in Nikki's apartment... Nikki, who had no idea how to express herself, kept me at a distance and only let me close whenever she wanted to.... But never returned the favour... Simple things like a hug or a kiss from her was just too much to ask for... She never did that out of her own... It had me questioning if she really loved me for who I am... Because if you really love someone, you'll express your affection in every way imaginable... I know I always did... It made me think that she kept me on a leash just for the sex... But even the sex was one-sided... Doing everything she ever expected from me while I was being neglected... I know she needed time and everything but I honestly started to believe that she just used that to keep me with her... Nikki wanted me to be with her and yet she distanced herself from me... So what the hell did she want with me anyway...? Was I just going to be her fuck-toy whenever she wanted me to be...? The fights and arguments I had with Meagan whenever I visited were the least of my concerns...

If it really had me doubting and if it made me question everything about my relationship with her, then why did I stay with Nikki...? Why did I wanted to be with her so much...? Don't know, your guess is just good as mine... But despite the fact that Nikki was often distant towards me, I still felt the butterflies in my stomach whenever she held my hand or caressed my hair... Looking in her eyes and knowing that I meant the world to her... She just simply didn't show it to me in any other way... Never that quiet whisper as a reassuring gesture, to let me know she loves me... And I know what it does to you... It makes you feel insecure not only about your relationship, but also about yourself... You start to question what you're doing wrong that made her act like that... Talking about it is the only solution... But Nikki never really was the kind of girl who'd share her feelings... Not even with the girl she was supposedly in love with... I just wanted her to come up to me, give me a cuddle and a kiss and just express her feelings for me but she just didn't... I was hurt by that... But what hurt me the most was that Nikki simply just didn't see what it did to me... My feelings and my desires were neglected by her while I always gave her everything I could... And even though Nikki kept hurting me, I always came back to her... Holding hands together still gave me butterflies... Having my hair caressed by her still made me feel special... After I fucked it up with Terry, I felt the need to be with someone... Maybe I really was that desperate... But I didn't want to make the same mistake I did with Terry... I was making whole new ones instead...

One Friday evening, Nikki called me up and asked if I wanted to come over, seeing as Meagan wasn't around. Somewhere, deep down inside, I felt reluctant to go, knowing what would happen... But I always thought that she might come around one day and realize what was happening... That little spark of hope I had always made me give in... So I came by that evening... We sat on the couch, talked for a bit until the conversation just dropped dead... She leaned against me when we were watching TV but I wasn't paying attention to the movie... Every now and then, I looked down on her as my hand reached out to hers... Looking for a small sign of affection from her... It seemed as if she just didn't noticed... It wasn't until several hours later that the silence was broken by her... Asking me if I wanted to stay for the night... I still thought that things might turn around... Still had my hopes up that she would finally be able to see what I felt... So I weakened... And told her I would stay over...

The same happened as always... Nikki didn't even paid attention to me... I did everything she expected me to do... She looked so satisfied and content afterwards... But didn't even bothered to look me in the eyes or to give me a cuddle... Never those reassuring signs of affection I always wanted from her... She just simply rolled over in bed with her back facing me while I just stared at the ceiling... And for the very first time, I looked at Nikki and felt regret... Regret that I stayed over... Regret that I made so many sacrifices in order for me to be with her, while she never gave anything in return... I just didn't know how I felt that night... She was so distant, even during sex... Nikki wasn't like this back when we were still friends... I always thought that there was more to us... But for the first time, I actually thought that there barely was anything between us... I got reminded of that every time I was with her... Nevertheless, I thought that she would change, that she would understand once we talked... 'Nikki...?' 'Yes...?' 'Do you still love me...?' 'O-Of course I do...' 'Heh...' 'Why do you ask...?' 'Because, uhm... No, no reason... Heh...' 'Alright... Goodnight, Ceylan...'

That's all she had to say about it... Not even once did she rolled over to face me... Just nothing... There I was once more, feeling empty on the inside while staring at her back... 'Nic... Please, I just need to know... Did anything changed between us...?' 'Hm...?' 'Is there anything I ever did that made you doubt...?' 'No...' 'Please... Look at me...'

It was difficult to know if she told me the truth... I never was able to "read" Nikki properly, to see what was on her mind... She always kept her feelings hidden from everyone else, even from me... Nevertheless, Nikki rolled over but didn't look at me... 'I think this is really important for me to talk about...' 'I-I know...' 'Just... What is happening...?' 'I-I'm not sure, it's just... Uhm...' 'But, you see it too, don't you...? I mean...' 'I, uhm... Heh...' 'A-And I just want you to know how I feel about it because... It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong...' 'You shouldn't be...' 'But I can't help feeling this way, Nic...! And no matter how many times we talk about it, that feeling never goes away...' 'Heh...' 'I just... I-I just want you to be okay and... You don't seem to be... I always thought that I could give you things no one else could... And... I always thought that you would recognize that... But no matter what I'd tell you, you still keep me at a distance...' 'Heh...' 'And something just tells me that being with me doesn't feel right to you... As if...' 'As if what...?' 'As if you're ashamed of us... Ashamed of me...'

I expected her to say something... Anything to make me feel better... Just those reassuring words that lets me know its not as bad as I imagined it was... Just a simple whisper to comfort me... But she stayed silent... Everything is one-sided... Even the conversations were... And that hurt, especially after I've been so honest with her, while she didn't even tell me what was on her mind... And I know I tried it many times before... And I was trying it again, to make her talk about the things that were bothering her... I was wiping the tears out of my eyes when I wasn't looking at her... 'I-I know you need time but... I just don't understand why you're not talking about the things that keep you busy... I don't understand why you're so distant with me... And I want to help you with that, Nic, I really do but it's not only affecting yourself, it's affecting me too...! It just makes me feel so powerless to see you like this... It makes me feel as if I can't make you happy... And it makes me feel as if I can't do anything about that...'

Still nothing... It seemed as if she just clammed up on me... As if she got a chunk stuck in her throat that prevented her from speaking up her mind... It's an awful thing to experience, not only for her but for me as well... You keep assuming things and blame it on yourself in the end for the things you think you might've prevented if you did right... But I honestly couldn't tell anymore what the right thing was... And from the looks of it, neither could she... She saw that I was crying... But no hug, no kiss... Not even a soothing word that could make me feel better, still giving me the impression that I was the only one to blame... 'I guess there's no point in talking about it if you're not talking back to me...' 'Ceylan...' 'This has been going on for a long time now, Nic... And I just don't know what to do anymore...' 'I, uhm... I-I just got a lot of things on my mind, that's all...' 'Then what exactly is bothering you then...?' 'I just miss Terry...'

I sighed quietly and closed my eyes when she told me that... Decisions that you've made in the past can have long term consequences, that can either turn out good or bad... I regret the way things went with Terry, I admit... But there wasn't anything I could do about it... I think she always had the feeling that things could be set straight... But what hurt me the most was that Nikki still didn't realize I gave up on him in order to be with her... She just doesn't realize how much of a sacrifice that was for me... If only she knew... 'I know... I miss him too... But everything I ever had with him was given up to be with you... It's something I'm not proud of, I told you that many times before...' 'Heh...' 'But I'm not the only one who made that choice...' 'I-I know, that's why it's bothering me so much...' 'Does it bother you so much that I'm not important to you anymore...?' 'W-What...?' 'You really have no idea what's going on, do you...?!' 'I-I-I just need time a-and...' 'I know, Nic...! But I'm a person and I have needs too, just like you do...! I want to hear from you that you love me...! I want you to caress me, to kiss me and to hold me, to make me feel that I'm being loved...! Because it reminds me that EVERYTHING I ever had to give up and EVERYTHING I ever had to go through was worth it in the end...!' 'Heh...' 'You're clinging more on Terry than you do on me...! And I'm supposed to be your girlfriend, someone you supposedly fell in love with...! I just don't know what you want from me anymore...!'

I think it was that night that Nikki's eyes were opened... I saw the look on her face, as if she finally realized what was going on between the two of us and that this couldn't go on any longer... And yet she still didn't gave me anything... 'I-I just miss him and... I-I feel guilty about everything we did... I keep thinking about Terry and just can't let go of him...' 'But what about me, Nic...?!' 'I, uhm... I-It's complicated...' 'It always is...'

It stayed silent for a long time... I expected her to at least try and explain it to me... But she just didn't... Slowly, all the pieces of the puzzle were falling into place... Nikki missed Terry more than I did... Or perhaps she was just missing his cock inside of her... I started to believe that everything Terry confessed to me was actually true... That it really was the cause of everything... But of course, Nikki didn't tell me anything... The way she was behaving gave me the impression that she didn't love me at all... As if she just tried to wedge Terry and me apart, just so that she could fuck him behind his back again... Maybe she felt guilty that she fucked him behind my back... But it wouldn't surprise me if they still did... Nikki wasn't as innocent as she looked... Having such assumptions changes the way you look at someone... And I suppose it wasn't any different with Nikki... Nevertheless, it still made me feel as if I never meant anything to her... It made me feel as if I was being used once more... 'Friends come and go, Nic... But after everything that happened, I'm the one who stayed with you ... I gave up on Terry to be with you, I came out to my family which caused me a lot of grieve when Catherine didn't accepted it... I gave up on a lot of things just to be with you and you just simply throw that away, as if it's nothing...' 'I-I don't, I mean...' 'I just want you to understand what it took for me just to get this far with you... But it seems as if you just don't care about it... As if you just don't care about me...' 'T-That's not true, Ceylan, don't say such things...' 'Is it...? How do you expect me to love you if you can't even love me back...?' 'I-I do love you, I really do...!' 'You've got a funny way of showing it then... I can't seem to recall the last time a one-sided relationship worked out for someone... You can't expect me to keep on giving, while you only take... It makes me feel as if I'm being used by you, that you keep me on a leash and only want me close whenever you want me to... But what hurts me the most is that despite everything, you, of all people, seem to forget that I'm here for you... From all the people in your life, I'm the one who needs you the most... I've always been there for you, Nic... But sometimes, I just think its too much to ask for to get that in return...'

I looked at her but she wasn't looking back at me... It never is easy to bring something like this up... To tell someone they don't live up to your expectations... Nikki listened to everything I said but didn't understand... I just saw it in her eyes... I was wiping the tears out of my face, trying to calm down after I told her the truth... I just didn't know how to bring it anymore... You expect that things will change once you talked about it... That someone listens to what you are saying... What makes you happy and what doesn't... And I know Nikki has a very fragile personality... It doesn't take much to make her crack... The same always happened whenever we had these kind of conversations... Nikki clammed up on me once more... And it stayed silent for a long time while my head was spinning... I just didn't know what to do anymore... I had to think things through but I couldn't do that in her presence... I didn't want to, but I had to leave... She looked very startled the moment I got up and got myself dressed... 'W-Where are you going...?' 'I just... I need to be alone now... I can't stay here...' 'N-No, please...! D-Don't leave me...!' 'I'm sorry, I just...' 'Ceylan, please, don't... Don't go... I-I need you... I don't want to be alone... Stay, please...'

I heard her pleas... I heard them all too well... It had me doubting if I really should go... But I also figured that I always thought of her, at the expense of myself... Normally, I'm anything but selfish... But I thought it was time to finally think of myself for once... Nothing would change if I stayed... The longer it took me to give her an answer, the more scared she started to get... I already saw the tears going down her cheek... But after a long time of uncomfortable silence, I closed my eyes and sighed quietly while I shook my head, quietly uttering that I couldn't... 'No, I'm sorry... I can't...' 'Ceylan... Please...' 'I just need to be alone...'

She bit her upper-lip while she wasn't looking at me anymore... It doesn't take much to make her cry with that fragile personality of hers, let alone to have spoken up my mind against her... She was absolutely shattered to pieces... I looked at her one more time before going out of her bedroom door... And all she did was looking at me... Even though she wasn't saying anything, her eyes told me a lot... It made me regret that I ever walked out the door that night... But I wasn't realizing it back then, when I thought it was the best for me... I made my way to the door, in the hope that she would come after me... In the hope that she'll tell me everything... Perhaps I was just too optimistic to have waited for a while in the hallway of the staircase, as if I was expecting her to come after me... But she didn't... Nikki didn't came after me like she did with Terry when he stormed out of her apartment... Who was I kidding anyway...? She didn't even care about me, so there was no reason for her to go after me... The tears were rolling over my face when I closed my eyes... And that's when I got out of the building complex as fast as I could...

I've always had sleepless nights for as long as I can remember... Sometimes, I couldn't help myself to keep thinking about the things that were bothering me during the night... It can drive a person insane... I still had nightmares but they weren't so common as they once used to be... A doctor once told me when I was little, that I wasn't suffering from nightmares, but suffered from nightterrors, which is supposedly a huge difference after I explained my dreams to her... I didn't even know the differences between a nightmare and a night-terror... But she said I had all the symptoms... Bolting upright in bed, overwhelmed with fear and panic... Sometimes I woke up screaming... Those bad dreams always seemed too real... But there was one dream that always came back... Reliving that one moment in my life that changed everything... Knowing that it actually took place is a difficult thing to live with... It's all here in your head... But it also has something to do with your mental state of mind... Something happens that triggers it... All it takes is just one bad day... The nightmares I started to have wasn't about the war... They simply just portrayed my biggest fears... The fear of losing people... The fear of losing Nikki...

That night was no different... Being in bed, crying quietly over everything that was happening... Wondering why I kept fucking up with the people I care for the most... Fucking up with the people who care for me the most... I didn't know what I was doing wrong... Was I really that desperate to be with someone that I let it go at the expense of myself...? What exactly happened that made me so desperate...? I wanted to find the exact same thing I had with Terry but wanted to find it in a girl instead... And I thought I finally found that in Nikki... All these years of trial and error led to that one moment that made me regret I ever broke up with Terry to be with Nicole... It's not that I didn't love Nikki... It's because I'll never have the same thing ever again... Even if I had a straight relationship, it would still mean that I'm bi-sexual... Being bi-sexual means that you have needs that a girl simply cannot provide... Being with a boy means he cannot fulfil your needs like a girl can do... I always knew I had to have both at the same time... But in all these years, I had the feeling as if I had to make a choice and stick with it... Would it be possible to have a triangle relationship and actually make it work between everyone involved...? I suppose not... Too many things have happened that made it impossible to work... I wanted so much more from Nikki and I knew she could give it to me but she didn't for reasons I didn't know at the time... What did I do that made people act like that towards me...? Was it always other people's fault...? No, I suppose not... Every relationship I ever had got fucked up by me in the end... I suppose it always has been my fault... In every relationship, I felt scared... Did and said things that hurt someone else's feelings deeply... So what exactly would make me happy...? Having a friend as a fuck-buddy, like Samantha...? It wouldn't matter, it still changed... I thought it always did, once you express your feelings towards someone... The bottom-line is, I was bad at maintaining a healthy relationship with someone I loved the most, whether it was my fault or not... So perhaps a relationship wasn't the answer... Perhaps it was better for me not to have one at all...