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It wasnt until I started to notice it, that things got more complicated. No one was aware of what was going on in my head at the time but I really had mixed feelings... One moment, I wanted to be around Nikki twenty four seven and the next, I felt it was best for me not to see her anymore. All of those feelings were just so confusing for me... I started to feel the exact same things for her as I did for Terry... And I just didn't understand and my head was spinning while so many questions went through my mind each time I thought about it. It's strange to have realized how it all went ever since she came out to me and ever since I realized I treated her differently because of it. I just didn't know why, I just couldn't find the answer... Even though Nikki and I are worlds apart, I felt so close to her and I could relate to her in so many ways... It made me realize that we have more in common than I ever imagined... I felt peaceful whenever I was around her... Sometimes, the two of us had serious talks about her orientation, particularly about her sexuality. Nikki said she had peace with it but never trusted anyone enough to talk to someone about it. Terry knows that she is lesbian but Nikki never had someone to be so open about it, to vent her frustrations and her feelings. Terry did everything he could to help her out but like she said it herself; he didn't experienced the same... I did, which is why I was able to relate to her and talk to her about it... Asking her the right questions, giving her the right advice... And because of this, Nikki and I became really close... It got solved for her... But that still didn't solved it for me. I still had these confusions about these feelings I started to feel, thinking it wasn't possible anymore. Perhaps I had to talk to Nikki about it as well... But I never had the guts to come out... Not to her anyway...

The only ones who knew were Samantha, my grandmother and Blain... But Samantha was attending Stenden University, far away from here... Blain was serving in Sercia, far away from here, fighting someone else's war... I could talk to Samantha on the phone about it though. But I figured that never really solved anything for me whenever I was talking to her about my bi-sexuality. Sam had bi-curious tendencies and it wasn't as serious for her as it was for me... Sam was only after sex while it went way deeper for me... So I turned to the person who was always there for me when I needed her the most... Someone who always gave me the right advice and knew how to say the right things... Someone who helped me unconditionally...

'Yes, lovely... Now add a little pepper and salt while you keep stirring.' 'I'm scared that I'll mess it up.' 'Oh, cooking isn't exactly rocket science, kitten. Put the frying pan on a low temperature and give the sauce a good stir.' I turned the knob of the stove all the way to the left to put it on a low temperature. The little kofte meatballs were sizzling in the frying pan in front of me and it smelled absolutely delicious... I looked at my grandmother who was carefully chopping up garlic, onions and a red paprika while stirring the sauce for the kofte. My grandmother was very fond of cooking, especially for others... Her kitchen was like a sanctuary for her and it was sacred... People who sneaked in her kitchen and tried to get a taste from her cooking got smacked on the fingers with a spatula... Only the kids were allowed to get a taste... Technically, I'm not a cub anymore but she always told me that I'll always be her little kitten... Whenever my grandmother was cooking, she always bought ingredients herself and never used instant stuff that you can buy in the supermarket... Everything she cooked, was entirely made out of scratch... Perhaps that's the reason why I loved her cooking so much... That evening, she made Tabrizi Sioseve with kofte... It tasted like tomato sauce but at the same it didn't. The sauce was spicy yet sweet and went really well with the little meatballs. I really suck at cooking but I helped her in the kitchen whenever I could, just so that I might learn a thing or two from her... I made the sauce and the meatballs while she made the Tabrizi Sioseve... 'How's the rice doing, kitten?' 'Look about done.' 'It's coming along nicely. Add the paprika to the sauce, would you, dear?' 'Sure thing.'

She took her spatula and turned those little meatballs over but they were really nice and brown and had this distinct scent coming from them. Minced lamb always had a better taste in my opinion than regular beef. She took the meatballs out of the frying pan and placed a whole bunch of them on a plate, with a large scoop of rice and Tabrizi Sioseve and drowned those meatballs in the sauce she made... She then handed the plate over to me and made a plate for herself as well. And then we both walked to the living room where we took our seat at her dining table and so, we started eating... 'Hm, this is really good, nana...' 'Hihihi... Well, I'm glad you like it, kitten.' 'I keep forgetting your recipes. I think I'll have a hard time when I move out on my own.' 'Come pick me up and we'll cook together.' 'Haha, that would be great...'

It stayed relatively quiet during dinner. Some people might think it's awkward that no one is having a conversation when you're eating but my grandmother always took that as a compliment. If people kept talking during dinner, meant that no one was paying attention to the food she prepared. So after we stuffed ourselves, we took the plates to the kitchen and did the dishes together. Once everything was cleaned and put away, nana put the kettle on to make some tea as I sat down in the living-room. Several moments later, my grandmother came out of her kitchen carrying two cups of tea. She placed it down on her coffee table and popped the lid of her tin cookie jar, where she had those chocolate biscuits with sugar sprinkles... They always were my favourite... I took one as I kept staring at it... 'Nana...?' 'Yes dear?' 'Was there ever a time that you had to make a choice...? I mean, between two people...?'

She looked at me for a short moment when she took a sip from her cup of tea. I averted my eyes from her when I took a bite of my biscuit... 'What do you mean?' 'Uhm... Did you ever had certain feelings about someone else while you were in a relationship...? Feelings for someone you're not supposed to have...?' 'No, I haven't... But then again, I never had a reason to.' 'Oh...' 'Why do you ask...?' 'It's nothing that big, I mean...' 'What's troubling you, kitten...?'

I took a deep breathe and sighed quietly while I was staring down at my cookie, not exactly sure what to say. I started to feel embarrassed by it... 'I know for sure now...' 'About your orientation?' 'Yeah... Terry and I have been together for a year and a half now... And... It's everything I could've wished for but I get the feeling that something's missing...' 'I see...' 'I thought that... It was just a stage for me, you know? And that I didn't need any of that now that I'm with Terry...' 'What exactly makes you doubt then...?' 'His friend Nicole...' 'Hm-mm...' 'And I don't know what it is... I like being with her, I like talking to her and there were so many thing I didn't understand about her until she confessed something to me...' 'Which is...?' 'Nicole's orientation... She's lesbian... And... It's not a stage she's going through. She knows she is... Ever since she came out to me, I started to see her differently, you know? Even treated her differently...' 'How differently?' 'Very... It wasn't until recently I started to notice it myself and... perhaps it's because I can relate to her in so many ways. Because I went through everything that she's experiencing as well. It's serious with her, which wasn't the case with Samantha... And maybe that's the reason why I'm so fond of her... Ever since I first met her, I immediately felt a click with her and well... that only seemed to get stronger the longer I'm spending time with her...' 'I see...' 'But that's not exactly the point...' 'Then what is?' 'The point is, being with her makes me doubt if Terry really makes me happy...' 'Why is that?' 'Because being with Nikki makes realize what I was missing all along... And it's something Terry can never provide simply because of the fact that Terry isn't a woman... It makes me doubt if I'm really straight and it makes me feel as if I'm lying to Terry...' 'Does Nicole know about you?' 'No, she doesn't...' 'Hm...' 'But I can't tell them...' 'Why not...?' 'Because if I do, it makes me feel that I have to make a choice between Terry or Nikki... I can't make that choice simply because it will change everything...' 'Do you have romantic feelings towards Terry...?' 'Yes, I really do...' 'And Nicole...?'

I closed my eyes, shook my head and quietly whispered that I didn't know... I had no idea what was causing those feelings but I've had that before and I figured that it's something that will never change for me... 'How do you feel about Nicole?' 'I don't know how she makes me feel... I feel happy whenever I'm around her... They both mean a lot to me...' 'Nothing has to change between the three of you, kitten.' 'What do you mean?' 'Perhaps it's time you finally tell them.' 'What?? N-No, no...! I-I can't, I-I mean... I... Why...?' 'You've been carrying this secret with you for almost seven years now, sweetheart... Seven years is a long time to bottle something up...' 'Yeah...' 'If Terry and Nicole really mean that much to you, they deserve your honesty.' 'I've been a little too honest with Terry in the past... That didn't worked out quite well...' 'But it does now, doesn't it?' 'Heh... I guess you're right...' 'What exactly would you be risking?' 'I'm scared that I might loose Terry if I tell him...' 'And why would you loose him?' 'I don't know...' 'Nicole makes you happy but perhaps she makes you happy as your friend. It doesn't necessarily have to mean that you're in love with her.' 'Maybe...' 'You're friends with Nicole and you have a relationship with Terry. I believe that nothing would change if you tell them...' 'But that's the thing...' 'What do you mean?' 'I get the idea that Nicole has feelings for me as well...' 'How so?' 'Don't know... It's just the way she talks to me, how she looks at me and... Constantly smiling and averting her eyes... I mean, she once said that she wants to have a girlfriend just like me and I don't really know how to interpret that...' 'All the more reason to be open about it...' 'Heh... You make it sound so easy when you put it like that...' 'I can imagine that you must feel uncomfortable about it... But you once told me as well, haven't you...?' 'But that's because I trust you with my life... I don't want to tell them... And why should I, I mean, everything is, well...' 'Because you said it yourself, dear... You feel confused for all the things that you are feeling and you assume that Nicole has feelings for you but you don't know that for sure.' 'So...?' 'What you do know for sure is that you are bi-sexual, someone who falls in love with both genders. That is why I believe that the time is right to let this burden slide down your shoulders. Terry wouldn't have such a close friendship with her for years if he did not feel comfortable with her orientation. And that is why I believe that nothing will change if you tell them. I think that Nicole and Terry, of all people, would understand.' 'I guess...' 'But the most important thing, kitten, is that you tell them when you feel ready for it.' 'Heh...' 'How did you feel when you told me?' 'I was uh... Very relieved, to say the least... But that isn't exactly what I'm worried about... I'm worried about the fact that people might take it the wrong way...' 'If they do not accept you for who you really are, then perhaps you'll have to reconsider this so called "friendship" you have with them. People who judge you on that do not deserve to be your friend. It's because they're afraid of something they don't know. They're afraid that you changed by telling them. But what they don't realize that its not you who has changed, but them...'

My grandmother's wisdom and logic is undeniable... She's been through a lot in her life and it's safe to say that she knows what she's talking about. And even though my grandmother didn't face similar situation in her life before, it made me realize that no matter what kind of situation you're going through, it's all similar in the end. People who are afraid of something they don't know... Perhaps that was the reason why she was always able to help me... But still... You get to pick your own friends... But you don't get to pick your own family... 'Nana...?' 'Yes, kitten?' 'What if that person happens to be a family member...?' 'You know I will always be there for you when you need me... And if you want to tell them, I'll be by your side, no matter what. But I'm positive that no one will ever let you down... Because we're family... And no one ever abandons their family, no matter what...' 'Thank you, nana...' 'It's quite alright, dear...'

I was able to look at her with a weak smile on my face when she nudged my chin up and made me face her... Her gentle smile on her wrinkled muzzle and those twinkling eyes staring at me from behind those small round glasses were soothing... Comforting... For the first time in my life, I felt confident about coming out, knowing that I have my grandmother at my side, whatever may happen. But I still wasn't too sure if others were as supportive of me as she was...

Nikki called me the next Friday evening. Heard that Terry was going out and that I wasn't coming along. He went to some techno party with his friends which wasn't really my kind of thing. Also too expansive for my taste. Nikki heard that I wasn't going and with a bit of a nervous tremble in her voice, she asked me if I wanted to come over to watch movies. I thought she meant that we were going to the cinema but she meant watching a DVD at her place... So I visited her and watched several movies together 'till late in the night... She had popcorn, drinks, crisps, everything for a perfect movie night. Can't remember which movies we were watching though... I was paying more attention to her instead... Nothing really happened during the first half hour of the first movie between the two of us but then I noticed she subtly came closer to me... Grabbing on to a pillow, holding it tight while she was leaning against me... It didn't took long before I put my arm around her shoulder... I noticed from myself that I was checking her out occasionally... Nikki was wearing a low cut spaghetti top and jogging trousers that evening... Looking down on her revealed her cleavage, seeing as her breasts aren't exactly small... I was staring at her each time she bended over to change the DVD... As if she deliberately did that in front of me... Squeezed my hand during the scary bits... But what really got me was when I was going home at around two A.M... I got my things and when the two of us stood in her hallway where we were saying goodbye, she gave me a hug... I stood there for a moment, looking at her, when all of a sudden, I gave her a quick peck on her lips... And I guess it startled the both of us... I nervously smiled at her, as she nervously smiled back at me... That's when I opened the door and quietly said goodnight to her... Before I turned the corridor to enter the staircases, I looked back and saw that Nikki was peeking at me from behind her door, only closing it several moments later...

It's not that much of a big deal, you know. Everyone does it, hell, even grandparents do that with their grandchildren... So... If everyone does it and it's considered to be normal, then why the hell did I kept asking myself why I did it? Technically, it's not even a kiss... But perhaps touching her lips wasn't exactly what startled me... Maybe I was startled because of what I felt when it happened... Perhaps Nikki was bothered by that as well... But even if she was, she did a damn good job of not showing that she was... As the days passed by, I tried to pretend that everything was fine and dandy while I knew all too well that it wasn't... Remembering the words my grandmother told me started to keep me busy during the night... And at some point, during the day as well... The more I wanted to keep things a secret, the more pressure I started to feel to tell them. Until I reached a point where I was no longer being able to hide it anymore... People knew something was up with me... But whenever they asked, I came up with some bullshit story and that everything was just fine... And there I was, lying to myself and others around me once more... It made me feel shitty... Not only because I was lying to the people I love but also because after all these years, I still wasn't able to be who I really am... And at some point, it even made me think that my relationship with Terry was just a cover-up, to keep other people happy and to hide myself from who I really am... At that point, I knew I am bi-sexual... And that it was time to stop doubting myself... And start doubting about my feelings for Nikki instead... I had to tell Terry and Nikki and my grandmother was right. They deserved my honesty... I tried to tell Terry several times but each and every time I tried to, I felt a chunk stuck in my throat and backed down before I could even utter those words that I've been trying to say to him for so long. It was too difficult for me to tell him... So instead, I figured I had to tell someone who was the only one in my family I trusted as much as my grandmother...

On a Tuesday's evening, I was sitting in the window-sill in my room, staring outside and smoking a cigarette when I thought things through once more. Earlier that evening, I walked up to Simon when I caught him alone in the kitchen and we talked for a bit but when I finally wanted to tell him, I had a chunk stuck in my throat... I think Simon already knew that something was up... I was really nervous when I talked to him, hearing trembles in my voice... I got out of the kitchen as fast as I could and got in my room upstairs... Sitting in the window-sill and staring at the stars in an attempt to clear my mind... After about half an hour, I heard a quiet knock on my door and when I saw the door opening up, I saw it was Simon who came in my room... 'You wanted to talk to me...?' 'Heh, I, uh...' 'What's wrong, sweetheart...?' 'N-No, nothings wrong...' 'I know that look in your eyes... Care to share...?'

"Not really..." Simon sat down in the window-sill next to me... We always did this whenever we were gonna have a serious conversation... Most of the time, he offered me a cigarette but this time I was the one offering him one... He smiled weakly at me and lit it up... I wanted to tell him so bad but realized that Nikki was right... Telling someone can jeopardize a friendship or a bond with someone... But I also realized that not talking about it wasn't gonna solve anything for me... And so, I found a way to start the conversation... I sighed quietly when I stared outside... 'I've had several talks with grandma... She knows something about me that you don't for a long time now... And... I wanna tell you about something that's been going on for years now but at the same time, I'm not very keen on sharing it...' 'Oh...? Why is that?' 'Because I'm afraid that it'll change everything...' 'That serious, huh?' 'Hm-mm...' 'It's okay, you can tell me.' 'You need to promise me something before I do...' 'What is it?' 'Promise me that nothing will ever change between us if I tell you...' 'Did anything ever changed between us?' 'Promise me...' 'I promise...'

It's strange how those two words can have a comfortable and soothing effect on such a tense situation. But promises are meant to broken, like it happened many times before. But that evening, I wasn't realizing that for once... I closed my eyes and sighed quietly once more... 'Do you remember Nicole...?' 'She's a friend of yours, right?' 'Yeah...' 'Yeah, I know her. Never seen her though...' 'Did I ever tell you how I met her...?' 'No, you never did.' 'She's a good friend of Terry... A close friend... I always saw her looking at me in the hallways in college before I got together with Terry...' 'Hm-mm...' 'And you remember those movies, right...? Where two people bump into each other and something happens between the two of them...?' 'Yeah... Kinda corny if you ask me. That's been done way too much.' 'Hehehe... Something like that happened between Nikki and me... But we didn't just bump into each other... I accidently slammed the door in her face...' 'Uh...' 'Yeah, I know... Hehehe... Anyway, I helped her to get up and I kept coming back to her to check if she was alright... And ever since that day, the two of us came back to each other... And it didn't take long before we became friends... But right from the very beginning, I felt a certain click with her...'

Simon looked at me for a moment while he takes another puff... I expected his reaction to be a little more different than blowing smoke out of his nostrils again as he waited for me continue my story... 'Nikki seems to be lonely... She doesn't have many people around her... And I don't understand why... Because she's so beautiful and so caring about everyone... A lot of guys seem to like her for her appearance but... She's just very shy and insecure about herself... She can have anyone she wants... But then I found out why... She told me she's lesbian...' 'I see...' 'Heh... I started to see and treat her differently when I found out...' 'What do you mean, "differently"...?' 'Because of the fact that she is...' 'Because of her nature...?' 'Yeah...' 'Do you have a problem with her being lesbian...?'

It stayed silent for a moment while I prepared myself for the answer I was about to give... With shaky hands, I took a puff from my cigarette and exhaled as I looked down, not facing Simon, trying to pull myself together to carefully pick the right words... 'No... I-I don't... It's because it... I-It made me realize that... that I have a chance for being together with her the way I might want to be...' I said quietly... 'What are you trying to tell me?' 'I'm bi-sexual...'

Right that very second, I regret saying it... My heart was pounding in my throat as my head was spinning... Looking at Simon didn't make me feel any better... It's like he became a statue or something, looking shocked... And at that moment, I couldn't hold myself anymore after seeing his reaction... I wasn't able to look at Simon as the tears were going down my face... It stayed silent for a while as Simon takes another puff from his cigarette when he wasn't looking at me... I waited for a response but I thought I wasn't getting any... And that's when I knew that he wouldn't accept it... 'Wow, uhm... I, uh... I don't really know what to say...' 'Neither do I...'

It stayed silent for a moment as Simon became a little restless... To me, it felt as if I totally fucked everything up, like I always did... I wanted to leave but I didn't know where I was supposed to go... I wanted to be alone but that wouldn't do the trick... Simon was really shocked when I told him... His expression said enough... But after a while, he seemed to calm down and looked at me... 'I'm sorry, it's a bit of a shock for me... I never expected that to hear...' 'I, uhm... I-I shouldn't have told you... I understand...' 'No, no, don't get me wrong...! I admit, I'm really surprised but I can't tell you who you should fall in love with. All that matters is that your happy with someone you choose to be with.' 'Yeah... Heh... I'm really glad you see it that way...'

Now that the ice was finally broken, I felt very relieved that Simon took it well but still wasn't too sure about sharing more. But at least he knows now... 'So... How long...?' 'Hm...?' 'How long do you know...?' 'I know it for almost seven years now... I've had doubts before but I know for sure now...' 'Wow... Uhm... Does anyone else know besides me or...?' 'Grandma does...' 'Oh? How long does she know?' 'For almost seven years...' 'How did she react?' 'Pretty much like you did... Nana took it well though... She always told me that we don't choose who we fall in love with and that it's unpredictable... That we can't foresee it... In all these years that I've been struggling with it, nana always gave me advise, always knew what to say and was always there for me when I needed her...' 'Why didn't you tell me sooner...?' 'Because I was scared, Simon... And also because I never really knew for sure... But I do now and... I'm so glad that you and nana take it so well... It means so much to me...' 'Heh...'

It stayed silent for a moment once more when the two of us were staring outside. I was still trembling as the tears were going over my cheeks but then Simon gently wiped them away and caressed my hair. He looked at me and smiled while he chuckled quietly... 'Hehehe... That explains why you never brought a boyfriend home before...' 'Hehe... Yeah... You would've scared them off if I did anyway...' 'True, haha... So... Does that mean you fall in love with boys and girls...?' 'Yes... But I'm leaning more towards girls...' 'Did you ever had boyfriends before or...?' 'No... Terry's my first boyfriend... But not my first relationship...' 'I see. So how did you found out?' 'Don't know, it's something I've always felt but it's not until now that I know for sure... I've had my crushes on boys and girls but I always felt more attracted to girls. It all started with Sarah... And well, then she moved away and Samantha came in the picture. Samantha moved away to university and that's when I met Terry...' 'I see...' 'So... Yeah...' 'Does that mean you also, uh...' 'Hm...?' 'Well, with girls... You know... Did "It"...?' 'Oh! Oooooh... Uh... Yeah... Yeah, I did...'

My cheeks turned red the moment I admitted it... Simon saw that I was rather embarrassed but still... I knew he had questions about my orientation... But when I faced him, Simon just looked at me and had a cheeky smile on his face while raising his eyebrows... 'Haha, don't give me that look! It's not like I'm gonna jump on every girl I meet! I'm not like that...' 'What, who's insinuating that?! Haha, no! But uh... How was that like? Didn't it feel weird for you?' 'No, it didn't... It felt natural... And it felt right, you know? But... Being intimate with Terry was something I had difficulty with... It felt right with Sarah and Samantha back then and now, it feels right with Terry...' 'Well, that's the most important thing, isn't it?' 'Yeah, it is.'

I sighed in relieve and felt a huge burden falling off my shoulders... The chunk I felt in my throat was gone and my heart was no longer pounding in my throat... It felt peaceful... But then Simon came with a question that I wasn't expecting... 'Who made you know for sure...? Was that Nicole...?' 'I guess... I don't know what I feel whenever I'm around her...' 'You said that when she told you that she's lesbian, it made you realize that you have a chance to be with her in the way you might want to be...' 'Yes...?' 'Does that mean you have feelings for her?' 'I really don't know... Nothing is sure at this point... All I know for certain is that I'm bi-sexual and that I feel attracted to her in some way... I just don't know how far these feelings go... ...' 'It takes a lot of courage to come out like that, you know...?' 'I know... But I can't pretend to be someone I'm not... Not anymore...' 'Does Terry know...?' 'No, not yet... I want to tell him when I feel it's right to do so... And I also want to tell Nikki... I just hope that they take it well, like you and nana did...' 'I'm sure of that...' 'Thank you...' 'No worries, sweetheart...' 'Simon...?' 'Yes...?' 'Can I call you dad...?'

You should've seen his eyes that evening when I called him "dad" for the very first time... There was something sincere and genuine to be found in his eyes... Perhaps he felt joy when I finally called him dad... A weak smile appeared on Simon's face as he placed his arms around me and gave me a firm hug... He quietly whispered that I could and almost seemed as if he choked down on his own words... My eyes were still soggy from crying... And I think his eyes became a little soggy too... Seeing him like made me smile as I wiped the tears away from his cheek... Simon knows I didn't call Catherine and him "mom and dad" because I just couldn't... It always made me feel as if I was replacing my own parents with them... They never tried to and they never will... But despite that, they always called me "their daughter"... Something that meant a lot to me...

In the end, coming out to Simon wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I was driving myself crazy by thinking that everyone would take it the wrong way. But Simon didn't... Of course he was shocked, but he managed to handle it very well. It made me grow in confidence once more... And even though I realized I still had so many people to tell, I didn't had to rush it. But the thing is... Coming out to Simon boosted my self-esteem... Overconfidence however, can take its toll on you when you're not careful enough... Missing out on the obvious signs... That's exactly what I did... And that's exactly when shit started to hit the fan...