Ocean Depths part 6
#6 of Ocean Depths
Ocean Depths Part 6
Confessions
By Roofles the Badger
Lucas wasn't sure exactly how things had transpired in the brief time the two had known each other. That slick, smooth paw brushing his cheek as those sparkling blue sapphires stared at him with a deep longing he had only seen and known in his own. Those eyes, as deep as the ocean depths, he couldn't help but think. They bore into his very soul, making him want to weep. A smile softly crossed that muzzle in front of him, the whiskers straight and rigid, those beady ears front and centered. The otter's complete and utter focus was only on the man in front of him. And to him that seemed to be the only thing that mattered.
A webbed, soft pink padded paw cupped his cheek. The otter before him was as always the broad, long lithe body it had always been. Towering before him even with that slight hunch he always took whenever the two found themselves together, as if to make him feel better about the two's height difference. That elongated body taking up half the couch, even hunched over and leaning back. Its focus having never left him sense those words left his mouth.
A finger rubbed his cheek. "I've always wanted more." Carlson said again, those sparkling blues never straying its gaze.
Lucas could feel the dryness of his throat, his heart pounding in his chest, the butterflies dancing in his stomach. This whole thing was too sudden, too soon. He was afraid. If he was a better man, then maybe. If he was smarter, it might be possible. Better looking, then there would be a chance, they would have a chance... If he was anyone else, anyone, then this might be possible. He had hoped this wouldn't have to be so hard. That this all would be easier. But the conclusion of them possibly being together... was all but a fleeting dream of a man.
But as he looked into those eyes before him the obvious was smacking him in the face. He wasn't that. Wasn't it. He simply wasn't that someone that deserved or could have this. How could he possible think more of him than a simple friend, some fuck buddy even? To be anything more would be like hoping to be able to reach up and pick the stars from the night sky. Or reach down into those ocean depths and find that one pearl, and only he had always sought for it.
Carlson shifted his weight, getting uncomfortable with the silence that followed again.
Lucas touched the paw on his cheek. Wanting to pull it off, to throw it to the ground and tell him to get out. To leave. Before... before he was hurt yet again. But his fingers interlaced with that otters as tears ran down his cheek.
"Shit," he muttered pulling back and wiping his cheeks. "I'm sorry, this isn't-."
A finger brushed one teary eye. "Don't be," Carlson voice was soft, his eyes never leaving him.
Lucas had to look away. Ashamed of the hot tears running down his face. Ashamed that someone had to see him like this. Ashamed that it had to be this man to see him like this. He wasn't this guy. To get caught up like this, to be overwhelmed by his emotions. He wasn't this guy. He was better than this. Unable to even form a coherent sentence. It was, he was pathetic in this moment.
This wasn't how it was all supposed to go. Then again his life really wasn't on the track he thought it would be on. Going through one school after the other, working the whole time supporting his way through it all. Having no one to rely on, to help him through it. Hoping to get a life that he could himself support, live, and be able to enjoy life. Against all the odds, over all the bumps in the road he had strayed from that beaten path and ended up this far. And yet as he looked back up into those eyes, he couldn't help but think that it wasn't a bad path he found himself at. That this road might actually lead him somewhere where he had always dreamt he would be. That maybe at the end of this unbeaten path he would find what he had always wanted. Even if he hadn't known it would be this.
"You don't know me," Lucas managed to say. "What I like. Dislike. What I do or who I am. Why would you want anything more with someone like me?"
That same paw brushed away the tears of the other eye, cupping his chin and lifting it up so they were looking eye to eye. Lucas looked down that brown muzzle, he could feel himself sinking into those ocean depths, those tranquil pools unable to pull himself away, drowning wanting to cry for help but like his whole life there was nobody there to listen to his pleas.
"That's why I want to. To get to know what you like. Dislike. What it is you do, hope to do. Your dreams and," he chuckled "desires. I want to get to know you. That's what it means to want more than something physical. I want to get to know you, all of you." He pressed a large paw to his chest. "Not just something physical. I want to know what's in here."
Lucas lowered his head again trying to keep those hopes and desires at bay as they welled up in him. What was it that he wanted? What he desired? Hoped for? "I don't know..." Lucas could see him take a steady breath through that stretched t-shirt he wore. "What it is I want." He finished a bit more forced than he had hoped.
"This isn't a race, Luke." Carlson said softly. "I know this is sudden, after the other night and all." His ears swiveled, falling to the back of his head. "After that night though I hadn't been able to think of anyone else. A-and its just," he scratched his chest resting back against the couch, looking up at the ceiling. "I mean we've bumped into each other a few times before. And each time I wanted to invite you over or-," he scratched his chest again with those dull blunt claws.
Carlson adjusted in his seat again looking back at him a bit abashed. "Or ask you out. On like a date. Kind of thing. With you. And dinner. N' stuff..."
Lucas smiled a bit at that.
"I probably would have turned you down, to be honest." Lucas said leaning back against the couch looking down at his feet. Those paws brushed against his leg as the couch shifted again, Carlson sitting next to him, folded paws in his lap.
"You would 'have'?" He stressed the last word. Lucas didn't even need to see how nervous that one word had made him. How the otters shoulders tensed up or his back went straight, the tip of his tail curling just slightly at the tip as he held his breath.
"Yeah," Lucas rested his hand on Carlson's thigh, feeling that familiar tense at his touch. "I would 'have'," Stressing the last word. "It's just," he looked over at him. "You're the only real friend I got left. I just don't want to lose that..." his voice trailed off. "I've already lost the ones I got." And with that he frowned again realizing the shit hole he dug himself into.
A paw rested on the mans hand. "You're not losing me. You're 'gaining' me," he joked softly taking a moment before continuing. "I am your friend, but I can't help wanting more. With you." He added.
"Carl, it's just what if something happened. I don't want to lose this. Lose you." Lucas protested unable to meet his gaze.
"But you're not," he put a paw on his shoulder. "We'll take it slow. Slow and steady." He bumped his muzzled against his cheek. "I promise."
"Carl," Lucas couldn't help but smile again just the way that fur tickled his cheek. "Slow and steady does win the race." He groaned at how lame that sounded leaning back against the couch, closing his eyes and tossing an arm over his face.
"So...that's a yes, then?" Carlson nosed a bit more, his ears perking up. Lucas could feel him shifting restlessly. How the large body scooted even closer, closing the little gap between them. A paw resting on his thigh, a paw on his shoulder, and a muzzle practically in his face. He could smell the Chinese's food earlier that night on his breath.
Lucas looked over at him, a small hint of a smile playing across his face. "I guess it does."
Those webbed fingers tightened on his shoulder, the paw on his thigh reaching across and moving his legs up and over onto his lap. The otter maneuvered the man onto his back and laid across him, his muzzle resting on his chest. The long lithe body halfway off the couch now.
"You call this taking it slow?" Lucas laughed. He felt silly like this, but he hugged the body on him anyways, rubbing his back in the process.
"Your pants are on. My pants are on. Don't ruin the moment." Carlson growled, shifting his weight a bit more trying to crawl the rest of the way onto the couch, much to his failure. Slumping back down, his legs sliding off the end of the couch again, as if weighed down by that anchor like tail.
"You're just tired cause you ate enough to fill my fridge for a week." Lucas laughed patting his back, causing the big otter to groan.
"It'll come back up if you keep doing that."
Lucas shifted in his rather awkward laying position. The large male next to him was making him uncomfortable in certain tight places. The warm body resting on him, an arm holding him, another arm under his head. The sound of that rudder like tail thumping against the floor. The sound of his breath. And the tinged smell of the musky male on him. It all, combined together, was what carved this moment forever into his memory.
"Carl, you're a lot larger than...Carl?" The grumbling rumble of the snoring otter atop him was more than enough of a sign that his life was changing. For the better or worst was left to be questioned, in these Ocean Depths that he found himself floating along in.
That warm muzzle pressed against his neck, that hot breath running along the nape of his neck as it nuzzled his chin. Webbed paws gripped his back holding him close. Chest to chest as the otter pressed against him, an animal noise rumbling in his chest like a soft purr. That slight tinged of musk that seeped from the warm male resting on him made him strangely at ease in the quiet room around them.
Lucas rubbed that furry back. The thick fur on top and that soft under layer glided smoothly through his fingers. He pulled up his shirt a bit to get his hand underneath, continuing to rub. The soft fur streaming through his fingers, feeling that warm flesh underneath, feeling his every breath as he lay across him took his own breath away. Just laying here with him was more than he could ask for. Words couldn't describe how this one man was making him feel. Just the acknowledgement that he had, if only for the time being, becomes his was able to put his mind at rest as sleeps veil began to cover his eyes.
Life could be good sometimes. If slightly heavy, musky and covered in fur.