Paradox
This consistency of mixed feelings towards subjects and certain people conjure questions in my mind. Am I bi-polar? Do I have a split personality? I find love, but one or two weeks in I start to hate the love that I feel. If I end what I wanted to have for so long and what I consider a big part of my life, I start to yearn for it more. When and how can I make up my mind? Love is the main conduit for my "depression" and I know it for a fact. But it is mostly the lack of it that drives the deep and almost infinitive sorrow and angst that I feel more than I should. It is that of which I question the most; how can I make things right? How can I defeat the never ending paradox of my emotions and make it conform to what I see as normal? I just cannot evict these thoughts from my poisoned and corrupted mind. I try my hardest to cope with my own conflicts, but it is easier said than done. I just think I am better off numb than feeling anything at all. I do not know how to completely explain this feeling any more than I already have. Though, I feel as if I left this canvas half empty. As if no one person will really understand the story of my emotions even though I do not understand the story myself. I just wish I could explain this is more depth than I have already reached.