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I figured it was best not to see Terry anymore after what happened that Saturday... I avoided Terry in college and whenever he tried to get closer, I was very hostile against him, pretty much the way I once used to be... Terry however, didn't understand what was going on or why I acted to him like that, or so he said... I threatened him that I would break his face if he ever tried something again... But of course, I couldn't do that... So I just warned him to stay away... I was just so confused about everything that happened that particular night and I just didn't know why... Trying to get these answers felt like chasing wind... It's out there somewhere but you can't grasp it... I know it was my fault that it ever happened but did he had to rub it in like that by trying to talk to me about it...? I figured that once the deed was done, it would all be over... Terry however, wanted more... I became so frustrated to have realized I was so dependant on Terry... As if it was some kind of a mind fuck... And I know Terry was gonna leave me, whether or not I had sex with him... Which is why I removed myself from the picture, to save myself from being hurt again... I felt the need to talk to someone about it at some point... So I turned to the person who'd never judge on someone's actions... Someone with unconditional love for me... Someone who'd understand... Someone who always had the answer to everything...

'You're looking a little pale, dear. You're not catching a cold any time soon, are you? It's been raining an awful lot lately.' 'No, no, I'm feeling fine, nana.' 'Would you like something to eat? Or perhaps you would like a nice hot cup of tea?' 'I'd like some tea, please...' She turned the TV off the moment I set foot in her living-room. My grandmother always did that whenever I wanted to talk about something that bothered me and somehow, that Tuesday afternoon, she knew that there was something serious going on and that I was anxious to talk to her about it... She quickly made her way to the kitchen and was humming merrily when she put the kettle on the stove. My grandmother waited until the water was boiling and after the kettle was whistling, she poured the water in a tea pot and placed a teabag to infuse... I watched her from a distance, wondering how she could be feeling so happy all the time despite all the horrible things she's been through in her life... And I just couldn't think of a reason why I wasn't able to... And that afternoon, I realized that I wasn't even nearly as strong as her... So I slowly walked into her kitchen and bend over to cuddle her... I rested my head on her shoulder as I slowly felt all those emotions floating up... And then I just started to cry quietly as my bitter tears hit her shoulder... My grandmother placed her hand on the back of my head and whispered quietly in my ear... 'What's the matter, kitten...? Why are you crying...?' 'I-I just...' 'Sssh, it's alright, dear... Come, let's sit down in the living to have a nice hot cup of tea, shall we?'

She carried the pot of tea and took a tea warmer from her cupboard and carefully made her way back to the living room. My grandmother placed the pot of tea on the tea warmer and lit the waxine light that was in the holder to keep the tea warm. From her cupboard, she got hold of two cups and saucers in which she poured the tea... And then she mumbled that she forgot the sugar pot and a slice of lemon... So she went back to the kitchen and came back with the things she forgot. I poured two spoons of sugar in my tea because I like it sweet even though it's bad for your teeth... But my grandmother always drank her tea without sugar and a slice of lemon. I tasted it once but didn't like it all... I once asked her why she drank her tea like that and she told me that during the war, there wasn't any sugar. There was either milk you could pour in or a slice of lemon and just to be able to drink tea was considered a luxury... It's a habit she never changed, even when the war was over... I took my seat on her soft leather couch and stared in blank space... I didn't even noticed she sat next to me until she placed an arm around me... It wasn't until then that I finally started to calm down... 'Nana...?' 'Yes, dearest?' 'Was it difficult for you to be happy after the war was over...?' 'Yes... I'm afraid it really was, kitten.' 'But you are, nevertheless...' 'Hm-mm... So many people were so happy that the war was finally over but we all realized that we all had to build up our lives from the ground up again... We lost so many things and so many people we used to know weren't among us anymore... But we all had to move on...' 'So... How did you do it...? How did you find happiness...?' 'We supported each other through thick and thin and I still had some relatives and my husband. You must not forget that I was twenty six years old when my husband and I migrated to Renaria. You were only nine years old, kitten, way too young and all alone with no one to support you...'

Somehow she knew... She just knew, as if she was reading my mind... And I felt relieved because that would make it easier for me to talk about... My grandmother knows exactly how I felt and what was on my mind that afternoon... 'Heh...' 'You've always been a very independent young lady, Ceylan. Even before you became a teenager, you were acting as an adult, questioning things you shouldn't have at that age... But you must know that everyone need each other, even when you think you don't.' 'I know... I just want to be happy and to find a way to have peace with all the things that happened in the past... And I'm trying to, I really am but it always comes back... I just want to find happiness with myself and with the people around me... My life is so heavily influenced from everything that ever happened... Especially my love life is suffering from that...'

She looked at me for a short moment and got hold of her cup... My grandmother used her spoon to squeeze the lemon and with that, removed it from her cup and placed it on a saucer while she gently started to stir her tea... When she closed her eyes and took a sip from her cup, her small round glasses got a little moistly from the hot damp of her tea... I didn't understand how she could drink that tea so hot... As if her throat was a lead pipe or something... My grandmother placed her cup back on the table and took off her glasses to wipe them clean... She was looking down on her glasses when she did... 'Happiness is a relative understanding, my dearest...' 'What do you mean...?' 'What I mean with that is that people have their own ideas for being happy. For example, it makes me happy to sit here with you, enjoying a nice hot cup of tea. The only thing that is missing are some biscuits. My goodness, I can't believe I forgot.'

She got up and went to her cupboard again to get out her tin cookie jar and made her way to her pantry closet where she got out a package of chocolate biscuits with sugar sprinkles, putting them in the cookie jar. My grandmother always held a package back in her pantry closet just encase I visited her during the weeks... It's because she knew it were my favourite... She's such a wonderful woman... She had that distinctive smile on her wrinkled face when she held the cookie jar in front of my nose... And I couldn't help but to smile when I saw her like that... So I took a biscuit and she took one herself as she placed it back on the table... 'Yes, as I was saying... Happiness is a relative understanding. Being happy has different meanings for everyone. Some are happy when they are able to spend a lot of time with their family and loved ones... Others are not satisfied unless they are wealthy and have a nice car.' 'Being rich doesn't make you happy, does it...?' 'Oh, you'd be surprised, kitten... People can be very strange creatures... From the money we don't own, we buy things we don't need to impress people we don't know. But if that makes someone happy, I wont stop them from doing so. What matters is that you know what makes you happy.' 'But that's just it...!' 'What do you mean, dear...?' 'Every time I think I found it, something happens that just totally shatters it to pieces...! And I just can't take it anymore...!' 'What happened then...?' 'Please don't judge me when I tell you...' 'It's alright, dear...'

My grandmother knew about Terry... But what she didn't know was that I was romantically attracted to him... I told her everything that happened... That he made me so happy and that everything was so wonderful... That I was madly in love with him... That I admitted to him that I was... And that it was really something special because it was the first male I ever fell hopelessly in love with... But I also told her what happened that Saturday evening... And that it was anything but pleasant... 'I feel so confused about everything, nana... I mean... I-I slept with Sarah many years ago when she was my girlfriend... And with Samantha, my best friend... Blain and Terry were the only males I've ever slept with b-but... After this all happened, i-it makes me question if I ever truly enjoyed being intimate with someone...' 'Does your sexuality confuses you...?' 'Yeah... I just don't know what I want or what I need anymore...' 'But do you know what you want to have...?' 'I just want to be with someone I love dearly... Someone I can trust and to be intimate with him or her without asking too many questions... To enjoy my life with the things I have with the people I care for the most... That's all...' 'Did you talk to Terry about this?' 'Yes, the night before it happened... The thing is, I also got warned about him... And the fact that I still fell for it is just hard to swallow for just being a one night stand... Somewhere, I'd like to believe that he's not like that... But it already happened and I guess I'm not much use to him anymore...'

I got hold of my cup of tea and stirred until this little whirlpool was formed... When I let go of my tea spoon, it started to twirl as well until it came to a halt... I took a sip from it and despite it stood there for a while, it was still fairly hot... So I quickly placed it down on the table again... 'Don't say that, dear... Do you really believe that he used you...?' 'No- I mean, yes b-but... I don't know anymore, nana... I-I just completely froze up when it happened and I just couldn't do or say anything...' 'I believe that there's more to you and Terry than you might think... Terry might see it differently but so do you.' 'But what am I supposed to do...? I don't wanna lose him but... Something tells me its for the best...' 'I can't tell you what's right to do, sweetheart, only you can. Confront him about it... Let him tell his side of the story... Tell him how you feel about it and that you don't want to rush things... Don't be afraid to show your feelings, Ceylan... Confront him first... And then do what your feelings tell you to do...'

"Heh..." I looked to my grandmother and she held that tin cookie jar in front of my nose again, while she was smiling at me once more...

Was I blowing things out of proportions again...? Most likely, yes... But being vulnerable and exposed made me feel weak and fragile... And the only thing I could do to restore that small piece of dignity that I had left was to confront him, whether I liked it or not. I might've been afraid for what his answers may be... But I was more afraid of his silence... So I scraped all the guts I had left and tried to come up with a way to confront him...

That Wednesday, I wasn't paying much attention in class... All day long, I avoided Terry and didn't say anything to him while he still had no clue what was going on... Throughout the day, the need I felt to talk to him just grew... And somewhere, I really needed answers but a part of me also wanted to leave things the way they were and move on without him... At half passed four, my classes ended for the day and I was about to walk to the bus-stop to get me home. But as I walked, I was thinking... Somewhere, I knew that it wouldn't make me feel any better if I didn't try to at least get some answers from him... I hesitated to continue my way to the bus stop... I looked back at our college building and sighed deeply as I closed my eyes... I knew I might regret it if I did and chances were that I would hear answers that I rather not wanted to hear... I looked at the bus-shelter one more time and made my way back to college... And so I waited outside, on a bench for Terry... While I was waiting, I lit up a cigarette with shaky hands...

It felt like an eternity but was in fact just an hour and a half. With every half hour that passed by, large masses of students were passing by me to call it a day and to make their way home. Either by car, bus or bicycle... And even though it was already passed five o'clock, I haven't seen Terry... And I was thinking that he might've sneaked through the masses to avoid me instead... I waited for another fifteen minutes and just when I was about to leave, I saw Terry strolling out of the building in the distance with Nicole as they were in the middle of a conversation. Terry did all the talking and Nicole just listened while she was looking at him, giving a quick nod every now and then. I got up and hesitated to approach them at first, but Terry noticed me instead... And when Nicole noticed me, she looked at me for a small moment and quickly averted her eyes and started to walk away... 'Nic, where you going?' 'It's alright, I-I'll just go...' 'Wait up, okay? I'll drive you home.' 'There's no need for that, I-I'll just take the bus home...' 'You sure...?' 'Yes, I'm positive... I-I'll have t-to go now, otherwise I'll miss my bus... So, uh... B-Bye....'

And before Terry could say anything, Nicole quickly walked away while Terry was watching her leave. And then Terry looked at me and sighed... 'Dude... All this time you've avoided me while I wanted to talk and now you feel like talking?' 'Yeah...' 'Just... What's the matter with you? Why are you acting like this? Why'd you leave?' 'You got what you wanted, right?' 'What? What are you talking about?' 'Don't act as if you don't know anything! I'm talking about Rachel, Blain's ex-girlfriend, remember?! She told me everything about you! I fucking knew it and yet it happened!' 'Rachel?! Oh fuck...' 'How many girls did you slept with before you had your eyes on me?! Was I just another number on your list as well?!' 'W-Well, Rachel, she doesn't-' 'Just answer the goddamn question, Terry!!'

"Wow..." I think Terry was pretty scared shitless of me for freaking out at him like that so all of a sudden... He looked a little surprised because I think he suspected me to bash his skull in if he gave a wrong answer... 'You want the truth...? Fine, I lost count over the years...' 'What about Nicole, is she willingly your fuck-toy during the weekends as well?' 'Don't start on her, she has nothing to with it...' 'Right... I think I know enough...' 'B-But, dude, let me explain! I-' 'You honestly believe I want an explanation from you after what you did?! There's no way you could EVER make up for what you did! There's NO excuse for what you're doing!!' 'Excuse me, is this guy bothering you?'

I looked to my left and saw a big otter guy standing to the right of us... With me freaking out at Terry like that, I didn't even noticed that we weren't alone anymore and that this dude overheard our "conversation"... But he couldn't have picked a worse moment to intervene while I was in "bitch fit mode"... 'No, you are, go sit in a corner and die or something!!'

The otter guy looked very surprised at me as he walked away and I swore I heard him mumble something along the lines of "stupid cunt"... If he said it any louder, I'd probably go on a raging bitch fit on him as well... But I wasn't done with Terry yet, who just stood there looking very surprised... 'Dude, would you just hear me out...?' 'I heard enough, Terry... Some girls might accept that you're an asshole and that you're using them to get laid but I don't... So stay away from me... Don't try to talk to me ever again... If I ever catch you just looking at me in a way I don't like, I swear I'll tear your balls off with my own bare hands...' 'Ceylan, wait, please... Hear me out...' 'I'm done talking, Terry...'

I heard enough... The moment he said that he "lost count" over the years said enough on how he saw me... And now he could tick off another girl off his list... I did what my grandmother said. I confronted him and did what my feelings told me to do... That's not entirely true because my feelings told him to break his fucking legs... So I counted to ten with my eyes closed and just walked away from him... When I did, Terry yelled and begged me to hear him out but I wasn't listening and kept repeating that he had to fuck off. He followed me to the bus-shelter while he continued to beg me to listen to him and I got so fed up with it... I guess he didn't understood the meaning of being left alone... And when he had the nerve to place his hands on my waist, I quickly turned around, firmly grabbed the collar of his jacket and slammed him against the wall of the bus-shelter... And even though I could burst into tears any moment and despite having a chunk stuck in my throat, I said to him with a trembling voice and soggy eyes that I never wanted to see him again and that it was his last warning ... He looked at me for a short moment, rubbed the back of his head and slowly walked to his car on the parking lot without looking back... I saw how he drove away... And once he was gone, I let the tears run down my face, sobbing quietly... There was no one there at the bus-shelter who would see me cry... "It's okay, let it all go..."

It took me more than half an hour to get back home... I still had to wait for half an hour for the bus to show up but that wasn't the bus I'd normally take to get home. This one got through downtown Ravello and several suburbs before I finally got home. I was crying when I was waiting in the bus-shelter but thinking over and over about it seemed to do the trick... Once the bus arrived, my mind turned blank once I got in and my mind stayed blank until I got home... I looked at my mobile phone and noticed a missed call from home and I guess they were wondering why it took me so long... Simon and Catherine already had dinner so I just warmed something up in the microwave but after several bites, I wasn't feeling hungry anymore... The both of them saw that something happened but I wasn't in the mood to talk... So I gave Simon and Catherine a quick hug and went upstairs to my room, where I closed the door and took all of my clothes off... I remember seeing myself nude in the mirror, wondering if this just isn't how things are meant to be... And so, I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes, knowing I wouldn't get any answers as usual... At some point, I heard the quiet buzzing of my mobile phone and noticed Terry's name in the display. So I denied the call... Through out the evening, Terry's been trying to call me several times and at some point, I got so sick of it that I just turned my phone off... Now that all was quiet, I was able to finally have some peace... But the thinking started once more...

"How did it get to this...?" It was a question I often asked myself... Why did Terry do this...? Why would he make me happy at first and then pull something off like this...? Why wasn't he just honest to me...? It would've saved so much time and effort... And why the hell did he keep calling me, even though I was just a one night stand...? Maybe he wanted to have another...? The anger I felt slowly changed into sorrow once I realized where I was... I was back to zero... And I started to realize that it's just me... Because its just not normal for a girl to have a relationship and to be in love with someone without having sex... Sex and romance are basically the same but its not until that very moment I started to doubt if that actually were true... In all of these years of searching and waiting, I thought that Terry would finally prove me wrong... That sex is not mandatory and that there is, in fact, a huge difference... Whenever I was romantically attracted to someone, they weren't... And whenever I wasn't, they were... Samantha for example, was sexually attracted to me with her bi-curious tendencies while I was romantically attracted to her... I had sex with her because she wanted to but back then, I started to wonder if there would ever be more to it... I called it "making love"... Samantha called it "fucking"... I enjoyed it at the time but I always felt empty afterwards, knowing I'm just there for the sex... And as for Blain...? I think he was both sexually and romantically attracted to me but I wasn't... I didn't know why I slept with Blain... Maybe it's because I was finally able to give something in return for all the things he ever gave me throughout the years... A trustworthy friend who'd stick with you, no matter what... Terry's a good friend of Blain but that doesn't mean that Terry is anything like Blain...

For the rest of the week, Terry just didn't give up... Each and every time he tried to talk to me, I felt more and more miserable and I wanted to be left alone... Whenever he did, I became so pissed at him and he just wouldn't accept it... It only took two days to completely loose myself... On a Friday afternoon at around five o'clock, I was going home for the weekend and made my way to the bus-shelter. To get there, I usually took a shortcut that got me through a small park and sometimes I just stood on the wooden bridge, looking down... During the spring, you could see all those fuzzy little ducklings swimming after their mother and they were just downright adorable to look at... That day, I already missed my bus and the next one wouldn't arrive for half an hour... So I stood there on the bridge, watching the little ducklings when all of a sudden, I heard a familiar voice and felt a hand on my shoulder... That was the last straw for me because I already knew who it was... I firmly grabbed his hand, turned around and punched Terry on the muzzle while I was still holding his hand... I made him turn around and tackled him, still firmly holding on to his arm and once he got down on his stomach on the wooden boards of the bridge, I firmly pressed my knee between his shoulder blades while I pressed his arm on his back... It locked his joints so it was impossible for him to move... 'WHAT did I tell you, Terry?! I warned you, didn't I?!! Just leave me alone!' 'Please! I need you to listen to me, Ceylan! Get off of me, you're gonna tear my arm off!' 'And why should I even listen to you?!! You actually think an explanation is going to change anything?!!' 'Yes!!'

Well, I didn't expect that answer from him... I got so startled by that that I didn't know what to say while my grip on his arm loosened... 'Rachel didn't tell you the whole story!' 'So you're saying that she lied to me about you?!' 'Yes! I mean, no, she didn't but...' 'You're not making any sense, Terry...'

It stayed silent for a moment as I could him sigh quietly... But I stayed patient... He wasn't going anywhere unless I let him go... 'Rachel left certain things out and that's what I've been trying to tell you all along...' 'Well then, fill me in...' 'She was right, I used to be like that. Before Blain hooked up with her, I slept with her as well... B-But she came on to me! I told her that I wasn't the relationship kinda type and she agreed to just have sex... And once I was done with her, she hooked up with Blain so that she had a way to stay close to me! Blain had a relationship with her and I couldn't do that to him so I wasn't seeing her anymore!' 'What does it have to do with me?' 'Because Rachel was messing with you, Ceylan! If she couldn't have me, no one could!' 'Couldn't have you?! You mean, if I wasn't going to be a one night stand, neither would she?!'

It stayed silent for a moment as I could hear Terry sighing quietly once more... I think it was obvious that he was ashamed for the things he did in the past... But that still didn't explained what happened between us and I was determined to find out... 'It's not like that, Ceylan...' 'Enlighten me...' 'When I met you, I knew you were way different than all the other girls... And at first, I thought I could give it a shot... I talked to Nicole about it and she always disapproved of the things I did... Nevertheless, I kept doing it... But this time, it was different... I quickly realized that everything was different with you... With each and every day that passed by, I started to learn a little more about you while other girls are just plain shallow... Their biggest concerns in life are the decisions to take on which shoes to wear or if their hair is looking any good... Nicole talked some sense into me and that's when I started to see things differently... Once I got passed that, I got to see the real you and that's what made me fall in love with you...' 'Heh...' 'You wanna know why I love you so much? Why I wanna be with you? It's because your beautiful... You said that people are beautiful because you love them... And it's because whenever you look in the mirror, you don't look at yourself thinking "damn, I'm so fucking hot and no one will ever be good enough for me." You're way different than most girls, Ceylan... I owe Nicole for opening my eyes and to see the beauty that is you... I swear, I'm not like that anymore... And I'll swear I'll do anything to make you happy if you just give me a chance...'

Pissed at him or not, he sure got me when he said that... And the whole scenery was a little hilarious to say the least... Who would expect that Terry would declare his love for me while I was on top of him, pinning him down on the ground, almost popping his arm out of his socket...? I sure didn't... And well, I didn't think he expected that as well... 'Really...? Y-You really mean that...?' 'Yes...' 'Heh...' 'Could you, uh... Please let go of my arm, it's really starting to hurt now...' 'Oh! Sorry...'

I quickly got off of him and helped Terry to get up... I looked at him for a moment as he had a weak smile on his face... 'I'm sorry for hurting you... I, uh...' 'Well, I deserved it for being such an asshole...' 'Heh...' 'So... Now you know the whole story... I changed because of you...' 'I, uh... I-I don't know what to say... I-I'm sorry...' 'It's okay, I don't expect you to say anything...' 'I want to be with you, Terry, I really do but I was just so hurt and...' 'I know and I'm sorry...' 'How's your nose...?' 'It's fine, I guess... It's not bleeding or anything, is it...?' 'No, heh... I'm so sorry for hitting you...' 'It's okay...' 'Come on, walk with me...'

I walked with Terry for a moment until we came across a bench and sat down where the two of us could be alone... It was a little chilly on that Friday afternoon even though the sun was shining and the birds were singing in the trees... I normally would enjoy the scenery but that wasn't on my mind... Terry has been honest to me and told me things he would rather not want to tell, especially to a girl he really likes by saying he slept with so many other girls... So I figured I had to be honest as well... 'Listen, Terry, I, uh...' 'What is it?' 'The reason why I left is because of what happened last Saturday, when I stayed over at your place...' 'Hehe, was it that bad?' 'I'm serious, Terry... Please...' 'Okay, well, go on...' 'And it also gave me the impression that you were just using me...' 'You're talking about the sex...?' 'Y-Yes... I, uh.. Heh...' 'Go on, just tell me.' 'Sex has always been a touchy subject for me and... Last Saturday, I talked to you about it...' 'We never talked about sex...' 'Heh, well... I said that I wanted things to stay the same when we had a relationship... You said nothing would change and yet it happened...' 'I thought you wanted to...' 'What made you think that...?' 'Well, first of, you said you haven't slept with someone in well over two years and then you asked me to stay over for the night and well... Asking me to take a shower while we were making out half naked on my bed...' 'I see...' 'If you really didn't want to, why didn't you just tell me?' 'W-Well, you wanted to... And... I thought I was gonna hurt your feelings if I didn't... And it's because I love you a-and felt as if... As if I had to even though I wasn't able to...'

That's a reason that Terry probably never heard before... He might've heard the "headache" excuse before when a girl didn't want to have sex but never this one... His expression on his face said a lot. 'Dude... Why would you think that?' 'It's complicated but... Heh...' 'Is there a reason for that...?'

"A reason I'd rather not want to tell you..." It stayed silent for while as I tried to come with an answer I was going to give to him... 'I've never been able to enjoy it, you know... Most experiences are memories that I'd rather want to forget... Which is why I don't have sex with someone unless I fully trust he- him.'

"Close one, Ceylan..." 'Wow... How come you can't enjoy it...? I mean... Did all of your lovers sucked at it or...?' 'I hardly had any lovers... It wasn't their fault... It was just me, not knowing what I want or what I needed... Being intimate with someone is very difficult for me, Terry... So I hope you understand why I was so angry at you...' 'Yeah, I do now... But everything is cool, right? I mean...' 'No, not really... Not for me, anyway...' 'N-No...?' 'You're a great guy, Terry... I couldn't have been happier in those few months I've spend with you... But I feel as if this changed everything for the two of us and I don't want to keep you on a leash... I still love you, even after all of this happened but sometimes, loving someone means to let go... To let someone live their own lives in order to find happiness... I know I'll never be able to make you happy in the way you want me to... You shouldn't waste your time on me... Because I would only hurt your feelings in the end...'

It stayed silent once more after I told him... And I guess Terry didn't know what to say either, but basically, I told him that it was over... 'No, dude... Please...' 'I just can't... I'm sorry, Terry...'

And with that, I walked away from him without looking back while he stayed behind...

As the days passed by, I missed Terry a lot... I missed his cuddles, I missed his kisses... I thought that by knowing that I wasn't just a one night stand would make me feel better but in fact, I didn't know what to do... Terry and I were romantically attracted towards each other and once I realized that, I became afraid... Afraid that I might fuck it up again... After everything that happened in the past, I developed a very serious fear of commitment... But how was I able to explain that to Terry...? Terry expected me to have sex with him, which I just couldn't... Which is why I thought it was best for him to find a girl who could love him as much as I did and that he was able to make her happy... I'm sure he wouldn't have much difficulties, all the girls were just waiting in line for him... Talking to Terry about it didn't make me feel any better, even when I knew the truth about him... I just wasn't able to give him what he wanted while some other girl could... And even though it was painful to tell him that, somewhere, deep down inside, I wished I could enjoy it... I knew it wouldn't take long before he got over me... And I knew it would take a very long time for me to get over him...

I stayed home that Saturday evening because Catherine was feeling ill. But that wasn't the real reason why I stayed home. I stayed home because I felt plain fucking miserable... I called my grandmother to tell her that I was going to stay home and because she knew everything that happened, she understand and told me to come by soon again to talk if I wanted to. Of course, I agreed because she was the only one I could ever talk to. So that evening, I stayed in my room, when all of a sudden, I heard the doorbell ringing... Catherine opened the door and I heard some mumbling downstairs... A while later, I heard someone coming up the stairs and a quiet knock on my door... After waiting for several moments, the door slowly opened up and I saw someone I least expected to see... It was Terry who came in my room... 'Hey, Ceylan...' 'Hi...' 'Wow... You're collecting My Little Ponies?' 'I used to when I was little...' 'Hehehe... Can I sit down...?' 'Yeah, sure, go ahead... Can I, uh... Get you a drink or something or...?' 'No, I'm fine, thanks...'

There was this awkward moment of silence between the two of us... What else was there to be said when everything was already been said before...? Terry sat down on my bed and we were just looking at each other until he finally broke the silence... 'You probably already know why I'm here...' 'Yes...' 'I just can't let go of you, dude...' 'I just...' 'Do you have feelings for me...?' 'Yes and I still do...' 'Then what is holding you back...? What would you expect from me...?' 'I just want you to stay with me, to make me happy and to accept me for who I am... That's all... I know I'm not perfect... I know I can be a little weird sometimes... I know I can be a difficult person to be around with and that I can be a little pushy... But I guess that's just the way I am...'

And then Terry leaned over and placed his arm around my shoulder as he caressed my hair... 'You're so beautiful, Ceylan... I know that you're smart and funny... A girl like you can have anyone in the world... I hope that some day, you'll find what it is you look for... I hope that some day, you'll meet someone who can make you truly happy... But what I hope most of all is that you find it in me if you just give me a chance...' 'No, don't... Please...' 'Just what are you afraid of...?'

"I wish I knew..." I couldn't give him an answer... But drowning in those light blue eyes of his was something that felt so very familiar and comfortable yet so scary... I closed my eyes and sighed as a tear was rolling down my cheek... No one ever said that to me... I was blushing, smiling and crying at the same time... With every second that was ticking by, I realized that there wasn't anything to be afraid of... All I ever wanted was right in front of me that evening... And I realized I was a cunt if let Terry slip away like that... Because even after everything that happened, he didn't give up on me... He broke the metaphorical wall once more, no matter how many times I tried to build it up again for him... And maybe it was futile to try to build that wall up once more because he always found a way to break it down again... So I didn't... I looked him in the eyes as he wiped the tears off my muzzle... When I moved my face closer to his, I gently pressed my lips against his... The feelings I used to feel came back, just like that, as if they never were away... And I realized Terry meant more to me than I could ever imagine... He looked at me with a smile... But I knew I also wanted him to know something... 'I'm so sorry... I, uh...' 'It's okay...' 'No, please, hear me out...' 'Go on...' 'I don't know if I can ever enjoy it... But I... I-I just need a lot of time a-and...' 'It's okay, I can wait...' 'Would you...?' 'Yeah, definitely...' 'Does it mean a lot to you...?' 'It does, yeah... We'll just take it real slow, okay? No need to rush things...' 'I'm a little scared, Terry... It's all new for me...' 'Well, it's new for me as well so...' 'Heh... It feels as we have to start all over again...' 'Maybe not... Maybe we can just pick up where we left off...' 'Heh...' 'Terry...?' 'Yeah babe...?' 'Thank you...' 'For what...?' 'For not giving up on me...'

Terry stayed in my room for several hours just to talk. We didn't talked about being intimate with each other but more on what we expected from one another. For the first time in my life, I felt that someone finally knew what I wanted and actually respected that. It soon proved that Terry really changed and that sex came as second place for him now... And when I asked him what made him change his mind, he answered that at some point in your life, you stop and wonder if the things you're doing are making you truly happy. It might've made him happy on the spot but feeling empty in the end... And I figured that Terry was just like me... Always in search of that special someone... I can't tell you how I felt when he told me that I was that special someone... I finally found an answer to something I've been questioning for a long time... That sex isn't the key to affection and love... Sex is just a meaning of strengthen a bond between two lovers... And even though that idea twisted my stomach and I was so afraid of it, I wished to know how it felt if he made love to me... Would it finally be how everyone always portrayed it...? Would I finally be able to enjoy being intimate with someone I love the most...? I didn't had an answer to those questions that evening and I figured I would find out in due time... I would make the first move whenever I was ready for it... The only question, however, was when...