FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I know what the pokedex says about riolu. It says several things about aura, yes, but it also says that they can run all through the night. I can attest to the fact that this is complete and total horseshit. It's only been a few hours and I'm already fall on my face tired.

I glance back over my shoulder at the forest behind me. To get to where I am now, I have used every trick I ever heard of for throwing a tracker off. Running through rivers and streams, doubling back to create false trails, hell, I even crawled through a rotting log and I don't think that was in the book of things to do. I let myself fall forward onto my belly. If that damn growlithe can follow me he can eat me for all I care at this point.

Eat. Damnit. My stomach growls loudly, reminding me that I haven't eaten anything but a single berry since dinner yesterday, and it is well past lunch time. I roll over onto my back and stare up at the sky. What the fuck am I supposed to eat? Mew already pointed out quite plainly that berries don't grow here.

On a side note, now that I think about it, that means I am in Kanto. So, if I ever evolve then I'll a wonderful type advantage over most of the pokémon around here. That fact however is meaningless to my stomach which is currently trying to eat itself.

I sigh and sit up. May as well take a look around, any sort of plant matter that looks half edible will do. I allow myself a wry grin, because with my luck, the only decent vegetable matter I find will be attached to a very irritable pokémon.

I glance around, and well goddamn, maybe my luck doesn't suck so bad after all! There, growing up the side of a decent sized pine tree, is a yellowish vine holding a ton of small reddish orange seeds. Seeds are edible right? Like sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds? Not very filling I don't think but there are a ton of seeds things hanging of the vines.

I make my way over to the vine and pluck one of the seeds off the vine and examine it closely. It is a couple inches long, I think. It is hard to estimate distances when you have become about a third or so of your original height. Anyway, the seed as I already mentioned, is a nice reddish orange color and is shaped like a cluster of Vienna sausages. I give it a quick sniff, not sure what smell I am looking for since I have no idea what a poisonous smell would be. Regardless, it doesn't smell very strongly, just a faint spicy smell.

I place the seed on my tongue and let it sit there for a moment, and when nothing happens I start to chew. My entire mouth is splashed with a thick, spicy sap.

Now, I don't mean a simple south-of-the-border spicy either. This stuff is five-alarm-is-this-stuff-even-legal spicy! So naturally I start spitting.

To my abject horror, bright red flames fly out of my mouth! MY FUCKING MOUTH IS ON FIRE! I shriek as I keep spitting, but the thick napalm like sap is in no hurry to leave my mouth. As I continue to spew globs of flaming spit onto the ground I start beating at my mouth with my paws. The flames are sticking to my paws now too, but at least the fire in my mouth is starting to go out. The moment my mouth is no longer on fire I grind my paws into the dirt to extinguish the flames still burning there.

I take a deep breath and it hurts like hell. I will probably not be able to eat anything solid for weeks, and I doubt I will ever taste anything again. I glance up at the flaming pile of bloody spit and sap at the base of the pine tree and it suddenly occurs to me that spitting fire at the base of a pine tree that has vines laden with napalm seeds growing on it is not high on the list of 'good things to do' if I want to live.

I can only watch in horror as flames race up the vines like thunderbolts. The fire hits the first cluster of seeds and I throw my arms in front of my face as a rapid chain of explosions send me tumbling backwards through the dirt.

I sit up with the world spinning around me. I can't hear a damn thing except for a high pitched ringing. I grasp my head between my paws and shut my eyes tightly for a moment. When I open them again the world has stopped spinning, but the big ole pine tree has not.

I try to fling myself out of the way of the falling tree and only partially succeed. A feral scream of pain tears at my throat as the pine tree crashes down on my legs and I am thrashed by the limbs.

I groan and struggle to pull myself free, but give up after a brief struggle. It is pointless to get out anyway. I'm pretty damn sure I have broken multiple bones in my legs and feet, and my forepaws have blistering burns along with the severe burns in my mouth and throat. Even if I could get out from under this tree, I wouldn't be able to walk or hardly even crawl to find food. Food that I wouldn't be able to eat because the flesh of my mouth is all cracked, crispy, and bloody.

Goddamn, I suck at being a pokémon.

I relax as best I can and shut my eyes as frustrated tears start to form. Why couldn't I just have gone trick or treating?!

~0~

I'm not sure how much time has passed since the tree first fell on me, but I do know that the sun is beginning to go down. Suddenly my ears perk up as I hear footsteps. My ears immediately droop. It's probably a trainer and I'm gonna be caught. At least I'll get medical treatment then. That thought almost gets me to smile, but the movement tears at the scabbing flesh and hurts so I abort that movement.

The footsteps stop right in front of me and I strain to make out just who it is through the thick branches covering me. Then the branches are all cut away by long sharp claws and I find myself staring up at a frowning zangoose with a pair of yellow sunglasses.

There is no trainer. Oh shit, I'm gonna get eaten. Wait a sec, what the fuck is a zangoose doing in Kanto? Who cares?! He's probably gonna eat me!

"Damn man. No wonder you're putting off all sorts of bad vibes." He slowly shakes his head as he starts digging in a hefty looking satchel hanging from his shoulder. He glances at me again, "Dude, you are a mess. But I got something that will fix you right up, little man." He does a quick double take and slaps his forehead, "Right right. Gotta get you out from under this tree first."

The zangoose makes a fist and punches the tree trunk pinning my legs with a loud cry. The wood splinters and my legs are free. The zangoose bends over and drags me away from the tree. He then flips me over on my back and pulls a largish, spiky looking seed. "Wha you ooing wih ah?" I ask nervously.

The zangoose crushes the seed in between his claws then shoves the pieces into my mouth. I gag at first, then swallow the crushed seed. The zangoose smiles as he wipes his claws off on his chest fur. "Dude, ya just got fixed. Be right back."

The zangoose walks off humming some tune I don't recognize. I watch him go in confusion. What does he mean by fixed? There is no way that what he just shoved down my throat is going to fix me! I'm a... what the hell?

I stare at my forepaws as I get a pins and needles feeling all over my body. The blistered flesh sloughs off to reveal fresh uninjured skin beneath and fur quickly grows back in the places where it should be. I squirm as the pins and needles sensation intensifies and I can hear several loud pops as bones reform in my legs. Then almost as soon as it began it is over. I sit up and look at myself, I'm completely healed! What the hell did he just shove down my throat?

I climb to my feet and glance off in the direction the zangoose walked off in, trying to decide whether I should run or stay. So far, I've only met one decent pokémon. And from what I know of zangoose (Zangeese? Zangoosen? Whatever.) they are not friendly. They are feuding sonsofbitches. Also, what the fuck would a wild zangoose be doing in Kanto? I don't think I want to know the answer.

"So, how'd you end up such a mess?" I yelp as I whirl around to look up at the zangoose who somehow came around behind me. He looks down at me and scratches his head, "Dude you are really on edge. You need to chill out and stop putting off all them bad vibrations. They're really messing with my karma."

I tilt my head to the side, "What?"

"Just what I said man, you need to relax and stop with the aura siren thingy you got going on." The zangoose says gesturing around me with a claw, and that's when it clicks. I'm a riolu, the pokedex says that riolu will give off strong auras when they are in distress to let others know something is wrong. I'm gonna have to get a handle on that or else finding me will be way too easy.

I nod and take a deep breathe, "Right, right. Sorry. Thanks for whatever that thing you gave me was."

"No problem, it was just an extra reviver seed that I wasn't able to trade off back in Sinnoh." The zangoose says waving a claw dismissively, "I'm gonna have a whole bunch more of those before too long anyway. But what in the hell beat you up like that anyway?"

I groan, "Well, it started when I got turned into a pokémon by the dragon trio in the Hall of Origin. Palkia flung me way the hell over here to Kanto and that hurt. Then Mew came along and gave me this godawful tasting berry that made me feel a whole lot better. I also found out way more than I ever wanted to know about what sort of heat the little guy is packing. Before I could really get over my mental trauma I got a attacked by a trainer and his giant hamster from hell. When I managed to beat the crap out of the rodent of unusually large size, I got torched by his growlithe. After that I ran like hell and got away. But I was hungry so I started looking for food. What I found were some red seeds that looked like Vienna sausage and smelled kinda like Tabasco sauce. I tried to eat one and my entire mouth got caught on fire! So I spat all that out, and then the tree and the vine with all the other flaming seeds caught on fire, so the seeds all went BA-BOOM right in front of me! Everything was spinning and ringing and then the whole damn tree fell on me." Throughout my story I have gotten more and more animated until I am pacing back and forth while wildly gesturing with my arms. I whirl around and jab a paw at the zangoose, "But then YOU come along! You shouldn't even be in Kanto! But here you are saving my life by shoving a reviver seed down my throat for no reason like a lame deus ex machina plot device!"

The zangoose stares at me for a long moment as I stand in front of him, paw out stretched accusingly. Finally he takes a deep breath, "Dude, you need to quit smoking that human junk, because you are just losing it. I've met clefairy less trippy than you are being right now."

I'm about to protest but freeze, "Clefairy are high?"

"As a kite, man." The zangoose says with a slow nod, "They grow some of the most potent allure seeds in the world in some hidden garden on Mt Moon. And chansey all over the world will pay a fortune for it."

I tilt my head to the side, "How do you know this?"

The zangoose grins, puffs out his chest, and plants his paws on his hips, "Because I'm Zero, the best damn interregional seed and berry smuggler, ever." He pauses. "Or so I've been told."

I scratch my head, "So you're like an international drug dealer?"

The zangoose frowns, "Uh, no. I don't deal in that human stuff, and you shouldn't either. They deal some wicked dangerous stuff as I'm sure you know now."

"I'm not on drugs!" I exclaim, "I really am a human! Look at me! Do I look like a normal riolu to you?!"

"Yeah." The zangoose nods, and I slap a paw against my forehead. This guy is just... ugh.

"Take off your damn glasses!" I shout angrily, "I'm not normal!"

"Dude, I got just the thing to help you chill out." he says starting to rummage in his bag. After a moment he pulls out a small bundle of leaves wrapped around a small dried chunk of something red. She shoves this at me with a smile. I take the little bundle hesitantly and give it an exploratory sniff. Whatever the hell it is, it smells minty but also spicy too. That last bit, considering recent events, I'm not too keen on.

"What am I supposed to do with this? Smoke it? Chew it? Swallow it?" I shake my head, "Never mind what I do with it, what is it?"

"I call it a 'happy bundle'. You eat it." Zero says with a wide grin, "It's real good."

I sigh, why the hell not? I shove the bundle into my mouth and start chewing. Almost immediately my mouth is assaulted by a strong mint flavor, contrasted by a very spicy taste that makes my entire body heat up. My teeth crunch down on something and a thick wintergreen flavored slime spreads over my tongue. I swallow the mass of vegetable matter and grin. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but I just feel really good. Not as good as waking up to find this is all just a horrible nightmare brought on by a bad batch of candy corn, but still pretty damn good.

No wonder he calls it a happy bundle.

I look up at Zero, "Wow that is good. But where did you get that ridiculous cowboy hat?"

Zero raises a brow, "Dude, I don't have a hat."

I frown, that can't be right. I know a cowboy hat when I see one, and that hat on Zero's head is definitely a cowboy hat. A pink My Little Pony cowboy hat, but still a cowboy hat. "Yes you do. And it looks ridiculous. Take it off."

Zero's eyes widen slightly and he starts rummaging in his bag again. However, when he bent over, the hat stayed where it was hanging in the air like some sort of pink phantom. Then it disappears. I chuckle, I don't know why, but I do. Zero straightens back up suddenly with another 'happy bundle' and sniffs it before shoving it in my face. "Smell this! Does this smell like what I just gave you?"

I take a deep breath, this bundle smells minty with a hint of... citrus I think. "Nope." I say with a giggle, "Why?"

"Cause I think you just swallowed an entire Clefairy Special."

"And this is bad because..."

"Um, dude, you may want to sit down." Zero says reaching out to grab my shoulder.

I shake my head and dance back out of reach. "Nuh-uh. I don't wanna sit down." I grin, "I wanna spin." And so I do. I spin around and around until not only can't I see straight, but I can't even smell straight!

I laugh as I trip over something and tumble into the pine branches. It stings a little, but who cares? I feel great! I look up to see Zero coming towards me. I hop up and immediately flop forward onto my face. I roll over onto my back and look up. Dude, I can see Santa Claus from here... except he has an ultralight and no reindeer. Maybe he's on vacation in Kanto? I scramble to my feet as I hear Zero coming towards me. He wants to make me sit still and ruin the fun. I can't let him do that. I gotta get away from him!

I sprint off through the woods, dodging tree limbs and the occasional squid. I slow to a stop as something catches my ears. It sounds like moaning. Not the kind I was doing earlier, no. The other kind of moaning. I creep carefully along through the bushes as quietly as I can towards the sound until I am very close. I can hear other sounds now too. Sounds that I will not go into detail about.

I stick my head out of the bush I am in and I can feel my eyes trying to pop out of my head. It's Palkia! And she's got BOOBS! BEWBLIES! BIG WHITE SCALY TITTIES!

I stare slack-jawed in a mix of surprise, disgust, and arousal. I like pokémon, I like boobs, but I don't like pokémon with boobs (even jynx) and I don't like pokémon that way ( especially jynx). Yet, like some sort of train wreck, I can't take my eyes off of her as she... yeah. Damn.

Suddenly the situation changes. Palkia shrieks and clutches at her pelvis as something begins to emerge from her... oh my fucking god! She is giving birth! The thing squirms as it is forced out of Palkia and into the light of day, like a red worm rising out of its hole. Suddenly it flops out onto the ground and begins tearing at the bloody amniotic sac that clings to it. It rips the tissue away from its face and I let out a strangled yelp at the sight of a horrifying, wide-eyed grin.

It's Hillary Rodham Clinton.

I don't wait to see what happens next. I run, and then shriek in terror as she suddenly leaps out at me from behind a tree. I dive away from her grasping arms and scurry like a terrified animal on all fours, desperate to get away. But she's everywhere! No matter where I try to hide, she's already there! Grinning at me!

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?" I shriek in terror as she pops out of an oak tree right in front of me.

CRACK!

The world spins and fades to black.

~0~

I wake up with one hell of a headache. I open my eyes, then immediately shut them again as the bright light of day pierces my brain like a firebrand. Apparently I made it through the night. I groan, "What the hell happened?"

"You had one hell of a bad trip, dude." Zero says from behind me. "I don't know what you were seeing, little dude, but just watching you freak out was painful man. So I punched you in the back of the head and put you out of your misery."

"Is that why my head hurts so much?" I ask as I squint out one eye, shielding my face from the harsh light of the sun.

"Sorta." Zero says with a shrug, "The Clefairy Special is really stiff stuff dude. It leaves you with a splitter, even on a good trip."

"How long until it stops hurting?" I ask with a grimace as I sit up.

"I'm a dealer man, not a doctor." Zero replies dismissively, "You don't eat your merchandise. Well, except for my happy bundles."

"About that." I say as I hold my head gingerly, "How on earth do you get between Kanto and Sinnoh?"

"I sneak aboard cargo ships bound for Sinnoh, Kanto, or wherever I want to go." Zero says, looking up at the sky. "Life is good, man, and I best be going or I'll be late for my meeting with the clefairy at the base of Mt. Moon. Good luck with your headache and that whole human delusion you have."

"It's not a delusion!" I exclaim, sending spikes of pain through my skull. "Ow."

I stay seated as Zero walks off. Hopefully no trainers will come along, because I don't think I'm in any condition to walk, let alone run.

Just say 'no', kiddies. Just say 'no'.