What Is This Thing They Call Love?
What is thing they call love? I hear when you feel it your supposed to soar like a dove From up above This thing called love Supposed to fit like a glove I fear I shall never experience love Too small or too big the glove Too many are the doves Flying from up above Never love Unfitting glove Wrong dove And so I shall Live without true love.
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A solemn stoat stands upon the ledge of the Lazy River apartment building. Planning to end his life, though at this point it was mostly assured he wasn't. In the end he talked himself into coming away from the ledge. It was his third time that week, looking over the fall before him. Most would say he had more courage because he didn't jump, he however, says he's too cowardly. It was his fifth time standing upon that ledge this month.
He walked back down what he called the walk of shame, three floors down and down the hall to the left, and back down another hallway. His apartment was the same as anyone else's; he had no light coming in from the windows, and slight but noticeable differences. He would rather pretend that nothing was wrong, everyone he knew, know he was so clinically depressed. He hid his depression really well. Every time he saw a train, car or other heavy moving vehicle, his mind said, he could just throw himself in front of it and end it, but never did.
The reason for this attempt is because he felt he had nothing to live for no future prospects, no love in his life. That's what all of this was about love. He never felt it, he was desperate. He feels he may have met the one but then again he may just be desperate. He just has to tell her how he feels.
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My life might as well be over because this life has sucked. The fact of the matter is that I love a woman who doesn't know I love her. I've often toyed with the idea, but who would want a pale freak like me? It just doesn't make any sense.
She is beautiful though, her small stature and her white fur mixed with flashes of gray here and there. Those big brown eyes and that sweet melodious voice, what wasn't to love about her? She was one of my best friends, and I wanted to see her happy often at the expense of my own joy. Every time she accidently or purposely touched me my heart soared. When she was away, or angry with me, my spirit dug a hole for itself and died.
The phone rang interrupting my thoughts, "Hello."
"Hey, get your fat ass of the couch I'm going to get you over this stupid bitch you are moping around about," said Bethany.
"I dunno, she was pretty far out of my league, I couldn't get anyone like her in a million years if I tried," I said.
"Quit being such a pussy, come on were going to go to a new club, Santorum.You're going," she responded.
"Okay, whatever you say," I said.
"Good I'll see you in half an hour, wear that black suit that brings out your fur, and the nice shoes, and I'll be your wing man," she said with a laugh.
If only she knew how much I wanted her to be mine. If she knew how much I pined after her, like a wounded dog for some sort of companion ship. I need her in my life no matter how little she knew it. I got ready as soon as I got off of the phone and she arrives shortly after in a really revealing top and short skirt.
"Damn you look good. Too bad you don't play for our team," I said.
"Ha, yeah you wish," she said with that humor you couldn't resist but laughing.
I walked behind her as she slowly walked towards the first floor I was behind her the entire time. She knew I was looking but she still shamelessly shook those hips from side to side. She knew I could look but couldn't touch because she said the goods were only to be handled with care by other girls.
She seemed to think that it was fun tantalizing me. I didn't mind it but if she only knew she was my type. I think god made her just for me whether she thinks so or not. I'm content just being her friend, some days others I want to tell her how I truly feel but I know I'd most likely get rejected, honestly I could never truly stand that rejection.
"You know I don't know what woman wouldn't like staring at that ass of yours," I said aloud.
"Well your one to talk, I get a lot of comments on how your ass looks pretty good to, not that I've looked," she remarked.
It's that kind of thing that hurts me. Every single time I feel it deeper and deeper and I know she doesn't mean it but it still hurts. I love her so much and I know I do. I've started saying I love her like a sister. And every single day it gets easier but saying I love you to her is hard. I don't really know why though.
The club was very energetic. There were strobe lights and black lights all over, different colors flashing on the dance floor, rolling fog coming from fog machines, and the DJ's booth. The DJ was currently playing the DJ splash version of, Face Down Ass Up. Everyone was either dancing or drinking and chatting over in a semi quiet area of the club.
We walked up to the bar and both ordered Stone Levitation and we sat there and had a good time. We were talking for a good couple of hours; she was going to have me out until late, most likely until the club closed. I wanted to tell her how I felt but it seemed as if every time I tried she was flirting with a girl or trying to get me one.
One of them was this really sexy vixen. She was an amateur porn star and had starred in several titles including; Bitches and their Sisters, Back Door whores 20, and Bitches and Doe's. If anything about that was a sign she was very comfortable with taking it in the back door. I might have liked to have a one night stand and she seemed to be very into me.
"So your, a writer huh," Linda asked.
"Freelance, I am currently going to college to become an engineer. Though I'll probably never get anywhere in it though," I said.
"Oh, shut up you're being stupid, your work is fantastic," Bethany butted in.
"I like a modest man it usually means they're packing some heat," Linda said lustily.
"I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be back in a minute,"
I made my way through the crowded club to the other side. Once in the bathroom I just kind of hid out trying to stay in there for as long as I could hoping I would be able to avoid talking anymore to Linda. She wasn't my type, she never would be. The only one for me would be Bethany.
I remember there was a time before her that I would have been willing to hook up with Linda. I would have been really happy to do so at any real given moment. I would have had sex with her right there. I had no real social inhibitions at all. I would have gotten her phone number and never called her back.
I can't exactly remember the day I met Bethany. It was such a miniscule thing, i accidently rear ended her in a parking lot outside of Wal-Mart. I never expected to run into her again, and really didn't want to after the way I was treated by her. She said she'd kick my ass from there to Talladega. I felt she was just being a bitch, and then a few days later she offers to take me out for a few drinks. That night I found we were very much into the same thing, including girls.
After that she stopped me more than once from killing myself. She checked up on me every day for a month after those attempts, but I got better at not getting caught. Now she didn't know how often I was standing upon that ledge. I hated lying to her and right to her face too. It made me cringe cause sometimes I wondered if she knew what I was thinking.
One thing is for sure though, over all of these years. I was getting past self loathing and slowly turning into self hate. As I looked myself in the mirror and saw this piece of crap, not my original happy go lucky self. But the face of my cowardly father as he continuously lied to me my mother and the rest of our family, and where all of that hard earned money was going.
I looked into the bathrooms mirror and I punched it, the broken shards of glass going into my paw. I felt the pain but I didn't really care. I was just some dried up old bastard who deserved to die in the most gruesome way possible, so gruesome it couldn't be said in words. It can't be described it can only be seen. That is how I should die, worse than any other living being in this world.
I picked all of the glass that was in my paw out and then headed back out with a paper towel wrapped around my paw and in my pocket. Linda was waiting outside and she kissed me on the lips and put a card in my pocket. Then she whispered, "Call me stud, I want your rock hard rod, maybe we can make some santorum."
I walked over to Bethany and said, "Look we need to talk."
"Okay, what about," she asked.
"I love you," I said.
"I know, you tell me all the time," she said.
"More than that, I want to be with you," I said.
Nodding she said "I know."
"Don't you feel it," I asked.
"No, no I don't. First off were too good of friends to date, you're not my type, and I don't like guys," she said.
"I need to go for a walk. I don't know if I'll be in the mood to be out for a while, I'll see you when I see you," I said.
"Wait, don't go, we need to talk about this," she said.
"What's to talk about," I asked.
I didn't leave her a chance to respond. I was out and took an alley behind the club, she couldn't find me if she tried. I hated her for what she did to me; she made me change my whole life. Who is she to protect my life? It's my life I should be able to end it whenever I want to! It's my damned life isn't it! I was so mad I wound up back home and didn't realize it. I didn't see her car anywhere so she must not have left yet.
The thoughts of death ran through my head again. The ones of suicide, they came back flooding in fast. This time however, nothing was keeping me from doing it! My steps fell heavy upon the stairs as I slowly counted the 1,300 steps up. I never felt so empty, my mind completely clear and I knew I was going to do this I never felt this kind of exhilaration before.
Soon the door to the roof top was flying open as I stormed to the edge. I felt the rocks move in between my shoes. The crunching noise only feeding my readiness to jump, as soon as I reached the top of the wall, I looked down. I could barely see the ground. There would be no surviving this.
"Good," I thought, somehow it felt all the more invigorating. Yet, even as I tried to make my final step, my foot wouldn't move. It wouldn't come up off of the ground upon which it seemed to be rooted to. It was just one more step and I couldn't do it I got all the way here and only hesitation stopped me, kept me from taking the life which was rightfully mine.
"You're a coward," I said to myself.
"You're wrong."
"Prove it."
"How can I?"
"Jump from this ledge."
"I can't because no matter how bad my life gets, it's never worth it."
Just then a sudden touch scared me. I turned quickly to see what touched me. It was Bethany, why was she here? I was standing on the balls of my feet. She looked like she had been crying for a few hours; something else was in those eyes, something that hadn't ever been there before.
"I thought about it," she said, "How I feel about you, about us, I'm willing to try having a real relationship with the person who has given every single night he could helping me, and who comes to me when he has problems, you."
I lowered my heels down, but there was no surface for them to land upon. I lost my balance, and I slipped. I felt the air rushing past me, sending me towards the ground at a sickening speed. I twisted over, the top was far away. Bethany screams "Nooooooooooo-" Darkness.