A short screenplay written as a gift to Mysterydude after he mentioned the lack of Anthro Crocs in the fiction being produced.

Yours R.o.P.

Crocodile Rocks.

A script by RuthofPern.

Dean of Oxford College: "Ahem could we all stand and welcome the Right Honourable, Sir Reginald Jones, please."

(APPLAUSE)

Sir Reg: "Good afternoon all, and thank you. Haven't heard that much clapping since I got drunk and did a striptease on the pool table here in the sixties!"

(Laughter)

S.R: "Let me introduce myself. I am Sir Reginald Francis Matilda Rigby Hosltenthwhistle Puddephatt Jones, but my friends call me Sir Reg. I am afraid that my parents had a rather eclectic taste for names. You really don't want to know what my sister was saddled with, she sounds like a bowl of fruit....

"Now I suppose you are wondering why I am here...yes? Well as you all know I am from a rather autocratic family in Egypt, and my family seat happens to be Aswan hall. It's a beautiful pile of red bricks, built my late great-great-great grandfather a few times removed, when he started farming the camels out in the slave days to the Victorians..."

D: "Sir Reg..."

S.R: "Ahem, so sorry. I know, Not P.C to talk about that these days. Anyway, back to the family seat. Well I as you see, I don't exactly look much like your typical Englishman, so to speak, being a crocodile and all that. My granny, the little minx, married a local fish farmer in the thirties. Defied old great grandad Jones, and almost got herself disinherited. However, he was shot before a male heir was conceived. My sister and I are the first full blood Nile crocs to come from the tree so to speak. After granny's bit of fun back then, the pile had to be extended and adapted a little.

"It now consists of my own nine room suite on the ground floor, with a plunge and bathing pool that heads under a tunnel out to the lake. Bloody Egyptians almost flooded us out completely with that hair brained scheme of theirs with that dam. However, it gives me a few acres to swim in of my own now, that I cordoned off for safety. The money we got for the land was useful as well."

D: "Ahem."

S.R: "Sorry, I lose track a lot. Forgive me. The rest of the hall is pure Gothic revival. Got about 80 rooms including the sla...servant quarters. Old great grand pappy the dragon, never thought that a water based species would be living in it in the future. A right blot on the desert in my opinion, but the tourists like to gawk from the cruise boats, so the idiots in Cairo won't let me bulldoze the place. My sister and I have eighteen sla...sorry staff to look after us, our families and the grounds..."

Audience member: "Are you married then?"

D: "Pipe down!"

S.R: "Let them be, they are here to learn about me aren't they? In answer. Yes, we have families, we are both married. I have three sons: Quentin, Tarquin and Ptolomey. Quentin will inherit when I shuffle from the mortal coil and on into the club above. My wife, I'm afraid, joined it a few years ago..."

D: "Sir Reg?"

S.R: "What...? Hmmph...Oh you really must stop me from doing that, the mind wanders you know. Well, where was I?"

D: "Family?"

S.R: "Oh right. My sister hatched a couple of eggs when she was younger as well, but Giles runs a hotel now at the red sea, and Catriana is trying her luck as a tutor in the Arabic arts at Cambridge. Boy did she ruffle a few of the old boys over there with her veils and dresses. Dating a dragon last I heard...looks like it's going full circle eh?...

(Laughter)

S.R: (Snores)

D: "Sir Reg?"

S.R: "Hmmmph? Oh dear. Keep prodding me will you, or the youngsters will never know how I expanded our fortunes and all, for the good of old Blighty. I mean, the 20,000 hectares of Nile valley farms bring in enough for me and the tribe like...But I am afraid I got the wanderlust. I tell you, it is no mean feat that a water creature should go a wandering in the desert you know. I mean, the amount of sla...staff I wore out... It quite exhausted me being carried everywhere. Those bloody reeds they make the floor of the caravans and the sedans out of really chafe on the dry scales.

A.M: "You used staff to carry you?"

S.R: "What? Yes of course I bloody used staff to carry me around. What do you think I am? A commoner? Paid them good money too, kept them out the the doorways for a few years anyway... Those that didn't drop from exhaustion...

A.M: "Some died?"

S.R: "What? Yes I lost a few...Two camels, a meercat and... What was he...? Oh yes, my wife's butler Johns. Quite what she thought about bringing a Hippo out on a desert trek is beyond me. I mean, after the first few layers of skin had burnt off, we dumped him at an oasis near Morocco. Last I heard he had started a bar and was married to a camel. I mean a camel...Dirty, smelly, thieving..."

D: "Ahem!"

S.R: Whoops, at it again. I mean they have nice pussies I suppose... Standard practice to have a go with one of the maids when you are sowing your wild oats... But marry one? You must be mad!"

(Laughter)

S.R: "Now where was I? Ah yes my wife...Not the expedition..."

A.M: "Can we hear more about your wife?"

S.R: "Oh you want to know about Peachy now do you? Think you can get some handy shandy out of it eh? Well, you won't. Lovely gal right enough, death roll that could dislocate your tail in bed, but we didn't get along that well after the first few months of tumbling. She came from an old Egyptian family that could trace them selves back to old Pharaoh Tut. Took the marital duties okay like, but we only slept together on special occasions after the eggs were set. Once the eggs were on the way I am sure she looked elsewhere, like me!"

A.M: "You had affairs?"

Diff. A.M: "Johns?"

S.R: "Yes, I had my own flings, I was only thirty you know. Couldn't keep my pants up for the offers I was given. Women. Give them a flat here, a bauble there and even the Arab bitches will drop their knickers at the turn of your head! Then there are the harems you know....Oh my the harems..." (Misty eyes)

Dean: "Sir Reg! You are here to talk about your expedition..."

S.R: "What? Am I? I thought I was here to answer a few questions as well. If these ankle biters want to ask about my exploits, they can bloody well get answers about them as well. I didn't come back to Blighty for a few months to be told off my an oaf half my age. You keep prodding me when I fall asleep, that's your job. Now, button it! That is all!"

(Uproar amongst the audience.)

S.R: "Now back to the harems. They are something special let me tell you. Being wealthy and all that, I had to mix with local desert lords etc. All friendly like, or they wouldn't get sold their food from my farms. Well I tell you. You have never been to a party like them. Big bloody tents and all that. You walked in, had a puff on the hashish pipe, discussed business for an hour or two and then clap! A lithesome piece of loveliness was suddenly perched on your lap. You liked what you saw, you nodded to your host, and the big bugger guarding the door would take you to a side tent full of cushions..."

A.M: "What happened to your wife and staff?"

S.R: "Oh, she ended up in the wives tent with the Eunuchs. Staff always stayed outside unless there was a sandstorm brewing."

A.M: "Eunuchs?"

S.R: "Yes, even then the Arabs used to cut the bastard boys' nuts off... I think it is banned now, but I'll bet it still goes on..."

A.M: "Was Johns a Eunuch?"

S.R: "What Johns, my wife's butler? No, I said he was married now didn't I? Oh, I see what you are getting at, you dirty little bugger... That might explain the disappointment on Peachy's face when we had to leave him behind. I did notice on my next birthday like, that she was a bit loose. Don't blame her like, if I'd been hung like him, I would have had to beat the buggers from the door!"

(Laughter)

S.R: "Well anyway, if that was the case, it's water under the bridge. We reptiles can't produce kids with true mammals you know, don' t they teach basic biology around here anymore?. Dragons yes, but they are egg layers as well despite having hot blood, I imagine platypus's as well, but that would be a weird combination if even I saw one! Meant she and I could take whatever pleasures we wished, wherever we wished amongst the locals, and not have to worry about complications. Just stayed clear of other scales like."

D: "The expedition Sir Reg?"

S.R: "What did I tell you? I will talk about that when they ask me. Are you ready yet? I would be thrown out if I went much deeper into the first topic!"

Whole A: "Yes!"

S.R: "Very well then. The expedition. Well as I said before I think...yes I did. I had reached Morocco, and I was meeting with a local... Desert vixen was his gift to me that time..."

D: "Ahem!"

S.R: "Oh dear. It appears my loins still seem to be driving my brain!"

(Laughter)

S.R: "Now. This here local told me that he had come across some sparkling sand in the deep desert, when he was crossing his territory, about two hundred miles from the nearest available surface water. No way could any conventional motorised vehicles get there through the dunes, and he hadn't the funds to mount and equip an expedition to find its source. Bloody banks at the time were going through some sort of lending hiccough that nearly brought the western world to its knees again. Anyway, I had a few quid hidden away here and there in Switzerland and Mustique, so I was intrigued, and asked him for a sample for testing.

"He gave me linen cloth bag, and then sent me and that vixen into the side tent for the night...Bugger it! I am at again, though she did have unusual tastes, that girl. I ended up buggering her!"

D: "Ahem!"

S.R: "What? Oh alright, the fuc...sodding sample. I sent it by air-carrier to you guys here at Oxford for tests. As you probably know by now, it contained some things that I thought worth the expense to investigate. The sparklies turned out to flakes of Agardite. Now I knew that at the time much nearer the mountains, the Bou Skour Mine copper mine had closed down, even though it was rumoured to be rich with Agardite crystals."

A.M: "What's Agardite?"

Everyone else: "Shhhhhhhhuuuusssssh!"

D: "Farley? How did you get into this college young man? Report to my office after, and I will review your entry grades. That's basic A level chemistry in the modern syllabus. What's more interesting is how Sir Reg. knew of its importance in the early eighties..."

S.R: "Oh, my family kept hold of some ground interests in Cornwall. There were rumours about a few things spreading around even back then in the journals I was reading from the Japs. Farley, Agardite is a unusual mineral found in copper rich areas. However I was more interested in the fact that it also indicates the occasional presence of Yttrium. I am a rather far looker when it comes to investment. The Africans didn't know what they may have been sitting on in that desert of theirs other than the oil. I looked into buying Bou Skour, after I had received the results back from here, as it had only just shut down. However, after a few hours of hunting through the slag heaps, there was very little smashed Agardite in evidence. I believe they have found a bit of Yttrium now, but the new copper seam is far out-paying it at the moment.

"Well back to my desert acquaintance. After Oxford phoned me, telling me what the sand contained, I decided to take the risk, and liquidated two hundred and fifty grand at the bank in Rabat. Bought a couple of old Russian army trucks off a bent officer at the army supply depot, six wheel drives with balloon tyres, and a fitted some dozer blades and a bowser full of diesel. A few old Toyotas, some drilling gear, and paid a chemistry guy from the uni a backhander to go off sick for a week or two, but bring a test kit and microscope with him. It was great back then. Price of a few good meals, some beer and hashish, a bird to finish, and you got a bloke with a degree and a nicked chem kit for a few weeks!"

(Laughter)

S.R: "Anyway. I left Peachy and my caravan in Rabat at a hotel, and I turned up at that poor sods camp with those trucks in a convoy, and the gear with my crew, a few weeks after he gave me that sample. He didn't know what to do with us. Good job I had brought enough food and water for two months as well. A right party that was, and I swear that the other harem girls drugged the eunuchs and slipped out, as the trucks were a rocking into the night! That little vixen joined me though after I had signed a contract with Arab. A seventy/forty split in my favour, for the monetary value of the findings for the next one hundred years etc. Good night that, he even turned a blind eye to the after hour festivities."

(More laughter)

S.R: "Anyway. After the hashish headache had worn off and we'd had our morning coffees, Ibrahim, the Arab that is, packed a few of his tents into the trucks, and left his head wife in charge of the camp. He took his new wife, a beautiful little delight of a sand rat, with him, veiled and concealed of course from the others, and let the vixen accompany me as a matter of goodwill. A few of his guards came along, and a few camels for the heavier works.

"We set off with just his compass to guide us, and the sun, while I was crossing my fingers that I wasn't being led out to my death. I tell you, we made good time. Covered nearly seventy miles a day, which when you consider we were on loose sand was excellent. After three days, I was starting to worry, but Ibrahim stopped the trucks about noon on the forth, and jumped out shielding his eyes from the suns glare. He walked up to a darker dune, and scrapped at the surface with his sandal. I followed him, and observed as it didn't budge. It was a rock bluff. He ran over the top and there in the next dune roll, was a gully that reflected all the light back into my smarting eyes. I tell you it was beautiful.

"We worked the convoy into the shelter of the bluff, as it was nearly 130 degrees in the sun, and decided to wait until a few hours before false dawn to start the sampling works. I waited until the moon was out, and the constellations, then took exact co-ordinates with my instruments, so I could file for joint ownership of the area with Ibrahim when I got back to Rabat. We had another good night, although I felt sorry for the staff you know...having to service each other without any free girls around... Anyway I believe it was normal practice out in the wilderness alone. Any port in a storm and all that. You just learned to ignore the grunts from the tents, or the fact that the camels were not in evidence!"

(Laughter)

S.R: "Well, Anyway. We all got up, and I started looking the bluff's rock face over with my torch for any seams that looked promising. I found a good spot, and told the lads to start working the face for samples while the chem guy tested more of the sand under our wheels for Yttrium. I had immediately noticed that rock was sedimentary, sort of like a shale base, rather than the expected sandstone in the area. I knew that there was no real oil in this area of the Sahara, so it was definitely out of the ordinary. The drill started up, and about three minutes later they shouted at me to come and look. The slivers and chippings that were being flaked off were silvery in the pinkening light from above. I was no geologist but I knew Chalcopyrite when I saw it. Copper ore, and a good one by the looks of it, but in the eighties the cost of mining it that far from civilisation would have been impractical.

"I called Ibrahim over, and told him the news, but that it wasn't what I was looking for, so I instructed the lads to try and find the seams edge. You know that bloody seam was pure and un-intruded for nearly eighteen feet in width. There was a bloody fortune's worth of copper in that bluff! I got the lads to test as far as they could reach up the bluff on the truck's roofs, and then had them take the drill up top, and try where it breached the sand like some whale, about one hundred and twenty feet above us. Although it had narrowed a bit, the seam width up there was still around eight feet. Now I was beginning to wonder if it would be worth dozing a road out here from the nearest town. I mean, even at the price in the eighties, if the load was deep enough and this accessible it would be worth a ten or twenty mil in the least.

"Ibrahim was bouncing around at the news, but I kept trying to control his excitement as I was waiting for my chem guy to finish his analysis. The lads at the bluff's base called me over again, and the new bits they were hacking at were coming off in greenie grey crystalline schist's. I quickly gathered a few of them together, and told them to take it carefully, as I wanted a few complete crystals as evidence for possible investors. I took them into the tent where the lab rat was, and handed them over. He slid a few under the purloined microscope, and waved some paper at me. Yttrium was present in the sand, and in sufficient quantity to make extraction via sifting viable. Now I started to get excited.

"He beckoned me over to the scope, and pointed out that the sedimentary schist's were full of it and Agardite in a good quantity. I asked him for his opinion on the bluff, and whether it would be worth digging down through the sand to see what was under us. He came out and shielded his eyes against the glare off the sand underneath us, and examined the bluffs shadowed planes. He nodded at me.

"I called the lads off the face, had them move the camp up the gully a little way, then start dozing the sand into piles with the trucks blades. I tell you, thirty foot deep that sand was, and all of it glittering in the sunlight like a cubs eyes in a candy shop. My own eyes were glittering now. We struck the bed-rock, but not before I noticed the sand was starting to become damp. We cleared back to the bluff, I took a pick and followed the copper seam down to the floor. It extended out and disappeared into the mounded sand where we had stopped. I nodded to Ibrahim, and he let out the biggest howl --I did tell you he was a wolf didn't I?"

(Head shaking from audience)

S.R: "Anyway. I was more interested where the damp was coming from. I had a few of the lads dig along the bluff's base with shovels until they came to a small schism in the rocks base, about two foot wide. They cleared the damp sand out, and water started to fill the cavity, pooling in the floor before evaporating into the sand. Ibrahim wandered over and almost plunged into the deepening pool for a drink, until I placed a hand on his shoulder, and went to fetch the lab-guy to test for its potability. It was quickly confirmed that it was drinkable, if a little mineral rich. I turned then to Ibrahim and shook his hand firmly, confirming our dreams were worth the effort. He would be rich soon, and I would have a few extra quid in the bank. With the source of drinking water on site, the logistical costs would be halved.

"Before we left the site, I made sure that the area was dozed back to normal, so if a Yankie drone or satellite imaged the area, nothing would look out of place. We headed back to Ibrahim's camp, and then we both went into Rabat. Fifty grand it cost me in bribes on the local officials, until the government gave me and Ibrahim the land and mineral rights for the surrounding thirty square miles from my co-ordinates. They wanted a twenty percent tithe of any resulting revenue as well. Ibrahim just shrugged if off as normal, so I accepted the terms.

"I sent the new results back here, and recommended that around a three million in liquid funds would be enough to establish a viable operation, and was anyone interested in a ten percent cut for the financing. I also sent the names of the journals I'd read about Yttrium from the Japs. The bloody ambassador from the embassy was knocking on the hotel door three days later. Thatcher, that sly old vixen, wanted in for fifteen percent, and would wire the funds immediately, with a couple of mil to spare if the Moroccans would accept a few engineers from the coal mines she was closing.

"I spoke to Ibrahim, and he agreed, providing they kept out of his politics and beliefs, so I asked the ambassador to approach the ruling party for approval. It was granted. Well, we started dozing the road out from the nearest town in May 1986. We installed sand baffles along the way to keep it fairly free of new drifts, and the first buildings went up on the site that October. Once the mining was underway, the copper alone paid all the set up costs within eight months. I insisted that the processed Yttrium was stored carefully in hermetically sealed bunkers for the time being, until such time as things picked up in the east.

"I returned with my wife, and that desert vixen as a gift, back to Aswan hall and put my feet up for a few years, just visiting Ibrahim and the mine every six months or so. We had over nine thousand tonnes in storage when the mobile phone and laptop market suddenly started booming. I had the monopoly on already mined and available Yttrium, so guess where the buyers came a-knocking. Don't get me wrong. I had already pocketed over twenty million from the copper sales, and Ibrahim was lording it up in his own mansion overlooking the new mining town. It sold at the time for around $8 Usd per kilo at the time, and it is now worth about $13 a kilo. My foresight had paid off.

"Rehim mine is still producing about three thousand tonnes of refined copper ore a year at the moment, and about seven hundred tonnes of Yttrium. The buggers in Whitehall never advertise old Thatchers involvement, or what it is still contributing to the UK today. I used my income to prospect more, and have opened a further nine rare earth mines in the northern Sahara, although with less favourable terms for myself, as the Arabs learnt from Ibrahim's mistake. I am nearly eighty now, so don't have much time left, but I am leaving a bursary here at Oxford for more young, adventuring prospectors in the future...I reckon you should be looking towards Siberia, or the rain forests. Don't look for what everyone else is looking for and think ahead. That is the trick.

I hope that my time on the planet, and my talk here today has been useful to you all. Now, Vixey is in the wings, and I must leave for my afternoon exercise. Goodbye."

(Winks and exits stage left in his chair with a sexy young desert fox pushing him.)

(Standing ovation)