FSE

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Chapter 5

To say what they had done complicated things would be an understatement. Well, the honest truth of the matter was that it didn't seem to bother Francis at all; they still slept in the same bed, half naked, and, it was two months later and he was still practically living there.

Francis would continually lie to Tammy, tell her he was sick and in bed at home, or that he was helping his dad with something, just so he could stay at Jayden's house a little longer; but why he stayed, the wolf wasn't exactly sure. He wanted to think that it was because Francis actually did love him, but something about the way he held Jayden at arm's length, despite the exchange of words made him feel... used.

Sure, Jayden held him at night, and Francis did the same, but whenever the simplest implication came up that Jayden wanted to be with him, the bear would remind him that he was engaged. Why had Francis gone as far as he had, if he was just going to end up pushing him away? Jayden usually had a good grasp on what was going on in his life, and in his relationships, even the crappy relationships they were, but, with Francis, he was always in the dark getting ready to take another step up the stairs. He could stumble at any moment, and fall all the way back down.

Jayden would bring it up, Francis would push it down, Jayden would give up because he didn't want to risk anything, and then Francis would immediately forget what had just happened. But, the wolf would dwell on it for hours and hours, and he wasn't sure why. He knew he should give it up, he knew he should move on, he knew that if nothing had happened yet, nothing would happen. He knew a lot of things, but those thoughts seemed pale compared to the ones that involved him being alone in his bed again.

It was just a stupid addiction. Just like he'd said before; he had his ups and his downs, emotionally, but the good times seemed to make him forget about the bad times just enough to keep him moving along.

One would assume that being with Francis all day, every day would have cut down the amount of free time that Jayden had to brood, but he always found a way. When he showered, when he laid in bed at night with his chest pressed to Francis' side, feeling the hollow warmth. He'd even begun to think while he was gaming, and it was seriously impeding his character's progress.

Tammy had come down from her rages, and Jayden was sure that she was just being moody because she was pregnant, but that didn't really seem to filter into his thoughts. Jayden almost felt more certain that she was just some cruel mistress and he was Francis' kind shelter from the storm; that idea almost made what he was doing a little easier. What he was doing meaning Francis, in this situation.

Some times were intimate, some times were awkward, and some times were depressing. But, every time, it felt wrong, or dirty. Jayden didn't want to keep doing it, but at the same time, he kind of did. He'd always start out really into it, but somewhere along the line, he'd wonder about what Francis was thinking, and if he thought about Tammy. There was something definitely wrong with the picture if you were having the back of your head pressed against the headboard and you were thinking about your boyfriend's fiancée.

Jayden never really thought of Francis as his boyfriend, honestly. Jayden also never really thought of Tammy as Francis' fiancée. Though, that was probably what was confusing him. If only one of them would say what they were deathly afraid to and add some certainty to this messed up relationship, then maybe Jayden would know where to go. Right now, he was lost in some forest and the only light he had was darting around in a circle, acting like an indecisive idiot.

Occasionally, Francis wouldn't be able to lie to Tammy and get away with it. He'd have to leave, and he'd act like he was about to be incarcerated. He'd never stay away long though, it'd be a day, maybe two if he was extremely unlucky. Then, like nothing had happened, Jayden would end up stroking his head fur, to help him get to sleep. And, Francis always slept just like a baby while Jayden stayed up all night worrying. The wolf seemed to worry more about getting caught than Francis did, and that was only because he knew that if they got caught, he'd lose him.

Deep down, Jayden felt horrible for his part in all this. But, it was easy enough to repress it and he now understood how Francis did it. He just wanted someone's approval because he seemed to have lost everyone else.

Today happened to be one of those days where Francis was still over. The bear was off doing something in their bedroom, and Jayden had needed a minute to clear his head, so he was standing on the porch. He really just wanted the day to end, and part of him wanted things to go back to the way they were before he met Francis. Jayden still loved him, and he hoped he didn't mean it in the sense that all the other teenagers said it. He really did care about him, and he cared about him more than he cared about himself, it seemed. The last few weeks he'd been asking himself the same thing. How do you really know you love someone if you're not even sure they love you back?

Sure, Francis had said he loved him, and Francis had loved him, but a few of his past 'lovers' have said the same. Jayden could say he loved drinking beer and watching the Superbowl, but that didn't mean he actually did. They were just words. Just a filler.

What was love? How could you prove you felt something if you couldn't even describe what it was? Most people judged love based on actions, but Jayden didn't even have that. He didn't have anything to use to decipher where he stood; it was almost like he was standing on a blank page. All of Francis' actions now seemed jaded, and Jayden had to fight the feeling that the bear was doing the same thing to him that he was doing to Tammy. He wanted to let go, but it was like he'd lost his motivation, so he just strung them along.

Jayden leaned on the railing and watched Francis stare at the television keenly, his eyes faced away from the wolf's as he perched on the end of the bed. He'd left the room a good half an hour ago, telling Francis he was getting a soda. The bear hadn't even shifted from his spot, or looked around curiously, wondering where Jayden had went. Perhaps it didn't mean anything, but Jayden felt like he was old news. How was it that Francis could fall from that feeling of contentment so fast, and leave Jayden miles behind him?

The wolf's eyes drifted down to his pocket and he fumbled around for his phone lazily. This week had been hell, and he didn't even know what to do with himself. He felt emotionally devastated, and he knew that walking back into that room would make him happier, but it was like he deserved this pain. It was a form of penance for the things he was doing wrong.

Everyone made mistakes, right? So, why should he be punishing himself for it? As long as he felt sorry and tried to make things right, everything should be forgiven. Unlocking his phone, and flicked through the recent calls list until he reached the very end. Paige's name glared at him, printed in a bold red and his finger hovered over it.

Swallowing slowly, he felt his pride recede back down into his throat. He tapped the name and held the phone to his ear as he looked away from his bedroom window to instead look over the asphalt and hood of the Neon that always seemed to be parked in the same place.

She wouldn't answer him now, after all the days he assured himself he'd call her later, or he told himself he was too busy to pick up the phone. He reached the fifth ring when he sighed, waiting for the call to switch over to voicemail, but instead he heard Paige pick up. They were both silent but Jayden mustered up the courage to speak first.

"Hey," he mumbled almost inaudibly.

"Hi," she responded, obviously angry with him. She hadn't even tried to hide it, because Jayden knew that she wanted him to feel bad, and he did. He felt so bad that he didn't even know where to begin.

"So, uh, what's up?" Jayden said, rolling his eyes to himself because of his clumsy attempt at reconnection.

"I don't know," she said dryly, "I should be asking you that."

The wolf put his face in his hand and breathed slowly, smelling Francis' faint vanilla still on his fur. Why had Jayden even bothered calling? He'd already ruined this friendship beyond repair and he was stupid for thinking that Paige had even the smallest thread of sympathy for him. If he were Paige, he'd just tell himself to fuck off and not bother calling back.

"Look, Paige," Jayden started, but sighed. He sounded like he was talking to an ex who had dumped him, "I know I've been gone for the last few weeks -"

"Months," she intercepted.

"Months," Jayden corrected himself sincerely, "But, I'm sorry. I know that it probably doesn't make what I did any less... assholish, but I'm just dealing with a lot, and I'm really, truly sorry. I'm just trying to understand what's going on."

There was a long silence and Jayden couldn't tell if she'd hung up or not, but he really didn't even want to check. If she had, then that meant she didn't even care enough about their friendship to say goodbye. As he tried to psyche himself up enough to look, he heard her clear her throat.

"It's alright," she said with a sigh, "Well, it's not alright, but I forgive you. On the condition that you get me a coffee the next time I see you."

"Alright," Jayden chuckled vacantly, not quite happy yet, but far enough from sadness that he smiled, "I don't understand how you're so forgiving, though."

"I learned it from you," Paige said and Jayden raised his eyebrow, but Paige just chuckled over the phone, "I can picture you looking around all confused right now. Before your eyebrows get lost under that hat of yours, I said it because it's true. I have never met anyone as willing to forgive, forget and start over as you. It's really an amazing gift."

"I do it because I'm a moron," Jayden sighed, throwing his gaze on Francis' back.

"No, you do it because you have a heart. Not enough people have those anymore. Now, fill me in on what's going on."

Jayden smiled to himself as he watched the hot sun high up above him, the sky completely clear of clouds. Paige was a good friend, better than him, even. Yet, she still praised him.

"This weeks been hell. I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning."

"But, you did, so that means you have something that's keeping you going," Paige said, her voice the only sound in the dead summer air. Even the highway behind his house was silent. Perhaps it was too hot out; that's how it always was around here. Either scorching hot or freezing cold, and the worst part was that they could fit it all into a week, "So, does that mean that Francis is still there?"

"Yea," Jayden grumbled mirthlessly, switching his footing as he bit his lower lip.

"At least that's something good, right?"

"I don't know. Barely, I guess. He's been living here for over two months now. I've been the one feeding him and buying him things. We go to the store, he'll use that sweet voice of his to coax me into buying him cigarettes, or junk food, or anything else his heart desires. I have no money for myself anymore because it all seems to go to him."

His fingers ran along the bill of his hat before he pulled it off and let it dangle, it's shadow somehow managing to make it all the way to the ground floor. Even though he was only on the phone with her, he could hear the flares rocketing around in her head.

"I know we've had this conversation before, so I don't want to press it and make you angry," Paige whispered into the receiver and Jayden frowned to himself as he put his hat back on, wedging it between his ears.

"Don't worry. Just go ahead and say it, Paige, because right about now I need a good verbal bitch smacking."

"I don't need to say anything, wolfie. You know it all already, and I know you well enough that it has been bugging you to no end, even if you're trying to hide from it."

"I know I shouldn't be bothering with him if he's not making me happy, but that's the thing. He - he does make me happy, and I'm just afraid that I'm the one that will never be content with anything. Maybe I'm just afraid of the idea of it all. I mean, how can you define love?"

"Do you want to know my rule of thumb?"

"I guess it couldn't hurt."

"Every time I get into a fight with my boyfriend, I never want to see his face, and that's normal. Every time he hurts me, it still stings. But, no matter how mad I am at him, if I think back to some of our good times and instantly feel better, I know I still love him."

"Make sense," Jayden mumbled distractedly, mulling over the words in his head. Paige had been right, yet again, and he guessed that meant he still loved him.

"If he can still hurt you, that means you still feel something towards him. It's when he can't hurt you that you know you should move on."

"Well, we're not officially official," Jayden said, "but we ended up... making love about two months ago. Those three words ended up slipping out, several times, and now everything seems even more wrong, seeing as he's still with Tammy."

"Jayden," Paige said, her voice soft and calming, a voice that never ceased to amaze him. She could put so much feeling and impetus behind her words with the gentlest inflections, "that's normal, given the circumstances. If I were in your position, I'd be tired of living behind a curtain, and I'd be tired of always getting hurt because your heart is in someone else's hand. I just think you're not content with lying to yourself anymore."

Jayden stayed quiet and forced himself to swallow even though he had a painful lump in his throat. He could feel his jaw twitching as his teeth ground quietly; he knew all of this already, but it hurt so much more knowing that he wasn't the only one who thought it. If it was just him who believed it, he could pretend he was just crazy, but if someone else believed it, too...

"I -" Jayden started, but his tongue stopped rattling in his mouth and the words got lost. Breathing deeply to calm himself down, he continued, "I just don't know if he even cares anymore. Part of me thinks he loves me, part of me thinks he's just using me to run away from Tammy, but all of me knows that my head is going to fucking explode if it keeps going on like this. I can't take all of this shit at once. I have fun with him. I do, I really do, but -"

Turning around, Jayden slid his back down the railing until he was sitting on his rump with his tail hanging through the gaps in the fencing. He swished his tail in time with the nervous glances of his eyes, ignoring the distinct sting. It was just because of the hot day, he told himself, the pollen was burning his eyes or something. He couldn't cry on the phone, that's lower than low. Blinking blearily, he heard Paige's slow breath come out of the receiver and he continued:

"But, the fun just isn't the same. I talked to him, I was curious. I found out he's engaged, I liked him. Then, I found out his fiancée is pregnant, and then I say I love him? What the hell is wrong with me, Paige? I mean, have I gone so low that I'm trying to pull a family apart because I have a crush on some guy? It's just - I don't - Is what I'm doing wrong?"

"Not wrong, no, because he made it alright the first time he let you into his heart. When he did that, he was saying that he wanted you. What you're doing may be stupid and painful, but it's not wrong. He took all the cards and left you with one. I hate to say it, but, right now, it's his game. The only thing that's completely in your power is getting up and leaving."

"Yea," Jayden heard himself whisper to himself almost inaudibly.

There was a loud crashing in the living room beyond the thin glass panes and Jayden looked up to see Francis swearing to himself as he grasped his knee. Hopping around on the spot, Jayden figured that the bear walked into the table again; he never had quite gotten used to it being there.

Jayden couldn't fight the strange elation in his chest as Francis pulled open the door; had the bear finally been curious about where he'd run off to? God, that would make him feel so much better right now.

"I have to leave," the bear gasped frantically. Or that worked, too.

"Why?" Jayden asked after telling Paige to hold on a moment.

"The baby's on the way," Francis wheezed hysterically as he darted back through the living room and out the door, leaving it slam hard enough that the floorboards rattled.

"Oh, okay," Jayden mumbled to himself, turning to the portico door, waiting for Francis to burst through it and jump into what looked like his mother's car. He pulled up the phone to his ear, "and there goes that one."

"What was that?" Paige asked. Jayden hadn't intended for her to hear him, but now he was stuck answering.

"Francis just ran out the door."

"Why?"

"His kid's being born."

"Oh, well, that's good. I think."

"Abso-fucking-lutely," Jayden grumbled sardonically, "now I have the distinct feeling that I'll never be seeing him again. At least I still have his stuff. Anyway, I hate to cut it short, but I have to go myself. I have some... things to do."

"What kind of things?" Paige pressed and Jayden twitched his lips. He knew what he was about to do, but he didn't want to say it, either to himself or her.

"Some... personal things," Jayden said as he clumsily pulled himself up from the floor, trying to shake himself from his daze. Walking through the open sliding glass door, he was assaulted by the cool air; they had only fixed one air conditioner, but he didn't even care because it felt so good. Scratching his neck, he returned to the conversation, "it may be a few days until I get back to you. I just need a little time to myself."

Jayden ended the call, not caring that he'd just rekindled a friendship. As he put the phone in his pocket, he really didn't care that Paige would probably find what he did rude. As a matter of fact, Jayden was so far from caring about anything that he didn't care that he didn't care. The wolf put his arms behind his head and held his elbows as he watched his mother appear in the door, looking to him quietly.

"Oh, you're already -" His mother started, but her words got lost as she looked at her son's empty gaze, "Ready to leave?"

"Yea," Jayden mumbled as he brushed past her, without making a sound or ruffling a paper. He just wanted this to be over with as soon as possible. He hadn't brushed his teeth, or changed his shirt, or combed his fur, because this wasn't a day he wanted to remember.

Jayden started down the empty hall, relishing in the dim lights that made him squint and the throbbing heat that made him sweat. They were something else for him to worry about, something else to help him fight the sting in his eyes.

"Wait, Jayden," his mother said, scurrying out the door and holding it ajar, "where's Francis? I thought you said he was coming?"

"He can't make it," Jayden mouthed, his voice faint, probably scared away by the way this week kept going from bad to worse.

"What? Why?"

"Something came up."

He heard their house door slam behind him; they really needed to fix that fucking door. The deadbolt engaged, and his mother dashed down the hall after him as he stepped into the elevator, her frazzled white fur barely even making it to his snout.

"I'm so sorry, Jayden. I know how much you wanted him to be here for this," his mother whispered sadly, brushing her hand along the fur on his arm, looking up to him darkly. He wished he could just go back to complaining about Francis so he'd be able to think about something else.

"It's fine, mom," Jayden said as the doors rattled open at the bottom floor and he stepped out, "I'm alright, really."

"If you say so," she mumbled disapprovingly as she bustled by Jayden and held open the door for him. He rolled his eyes and walked to the car, pulling open the passenger side door that he always left unlocked. In this city, everyone was too doped up to leave their room, let alone jack a car.

His door shut with a slam and he locked it pointlessly while his mother opened hers; anything to keep him occupied, even if it was half a second. The engine sputtered into life and he lurched forward as she backed out. Resting his elbow on the arm rest, he placed his muzzle on his palm and strummed his fingers on his snout.

The abstract shadows of leaves fell on the glare of the window and Jayden found his eyes following the motion. Everything was silent as the storefronts and main roads passed by his window. Several times on the highway, his mother coughed like she wanted to say something but she'd lose her nerve as soon as his green eyes fell on her equally emerald ones. Every time, he'd just sigh and go back to counting the trees or the dashes in the road. By the time his mother scrounged up the courage to speak, he'd gotten to three-hundred and fifty eight.

"So, what's going on between you and Francis?" She asked, looking over to him, even though the rule book distinctly told her to always keep her eyes on the road.

"We're just friends," Jayden mumbled, settling on his most generic response to date. He usually said it was complicated, or that he was his 'not-boyfriend' boyfriend.

"He stays over an awful lot for just a friend," she continued, keeping her eyes on the road this time as she took the off-ramp, "and it seems that most of the money I give you always ends up going to him."

"We're good friends," Jayden continued, stifling a yawn as the flashing yellow blurs got into his head and began to lull him to sleep, "nothing wrong with that."

"I can't help but notice that he always sleeps with you in your bed."

"Okay," Jayden grumbled, not really wanting to have this conversation with his mother. Yea, she knew he was gay, but it was like a weird little quirk to her; something she didn't quite understand, but still she tried to portray herself as someone who knew exactly what he was going through. Most times he didn't mind and outright ignored it, "maybe we're more than good friends."

"If he's your... boyfriend, you can tell me. You know it doesn't bother me," she assured as they began to pass through the heart of another town about an hour away from their house. The buildings were much prettier and the roads were much cleaner.

"If he was my boyfriend, I would have told you that already," Jayden said, now following the telephone lines with his eyes instead of the road lines. This was much more disorienting, and he was thankful for that.

"I don't quite understand. He's not your... boyfriend, but you're sleeping in the same bed?"

Jayden blinked slowly and tried to shake out the ghosts in his eyes. Really, he was trying to buy himself time to try and figure out exactly how to explain it to his mother.

"It's complicated," Jayden mumbled, deciding to revert to his most common excuse. Hopefully she wouldn't press him.

"How complicated is complicated?"

"He's engaged and has a kid on the way. Right now, actually."

"You two aren't, I mean... are you?"

"Yup," Jayden said, his jaw hard on his clenched knuckles. It didn't matter anymore, really. She had asked, "I am practically eighteen, mom."

"I know that. I just meant about his - anyway, are you being safe?"

"Not usually," Jayden mumbled and his mother shot a dirty look at him.

Jayden was tired of the conversation, because he didn't need someone else silently judging him. She didn't speak to him, so he watched a looming white building come into view, crowding most of the sky. It was pristine and sterile, even compared to the empty blue sky. His mother turned into the busy parking lot and Jayden tried his hardest to ignore the somber feel of the crowded trees that hid the glare of the building's windows from him.

"I just think that you can do better, Jayden," his mom stated as he shut the door to drown out her words. Jayden stretched his back lethargically and ground his teeth quietly to himself as his mother unfolded from the car.

"Apparently not."

Stepping up the stairs slowly, he cut through the trees, his eyes following the pressure washed concrete to the light sheen of the tar outside the foyer. The doors opened with a hiss and he was once again assaulted by the cool emptiness as he brushed by the receptionist and into the elevator. Room three-fourteen. His mother walked in as the elevator was closing, making the door hiss it's disapproval as it opened again.

Jayden sighed and leaned against the rail in the back while his mother pressed the button for him. His mother looked over to him, but he just looked to the granite floor, not wanting to see the sympathy drawn along her face. Following the signs, he made his way down the white halls, his gaze skating along the wooden hand rails as he looked over the numbers. By the time he got to three-twelve, his heart was hammering in his chest and his stomach sagged under the stress.

His mother was halfway to him as he reached forward to knock on the door, but his hand hesitated as he tried to steel himself. Flexing his fingers in a twitchy motion, they eventually formed into a fist, but as he was about to rap his knuckles on the door, his mother beat him to it.

"Come in," he heard his father half-shout, unable to put his full force behind the words for fear of his voice cracking.

His mother opened the door and entered swiftly, leaving Jayden standing in the hall with his hand still poised. He let it drop to his side as he looked into the small room, and saw his mother greet his father. It'd been years since he'd seen his father, and he'd hoped it wouldn't have been under these circumstances. Not that he really wanted to see him, anyway.

The years hadn't treated his father kindly. His fur was pale, his gut was bigger and his eyes were lifeless. His father had never had much behind his eyes, so it didn't come as a shock when Jayden locked eyes with him and saw the void that still occupied them. He still wore his tight polos and loose jeans, always remembering to tuck in his shirt, to make him look more important. He really didn't seem to change along with the times.

Jayden clenched his teeth and walked in, his hands buried deep in his back pockets, clasping his wallet and his keys like it'd offer some comfort. An empty bed was right past the door, and a faded white curtain blocked his father from view as Jayden slowly migrated to the back of the room, feeling like he was inching closer to his end. He hadn't had this much family in the same room since his eleventh Christmas. The whole reason he'd wanted Francis here was so it wouldn't feel so awkward and closed in. Everyone in this room hated each other, and everyone was aware of the other's secret; yet, still they stayed quiet. At least if the bear was here, he could have someone to emotionally cling to in the silence.

"Hello, Jayden," his father said formally, but Jayden just looked at him and nodded.

Looking at the bed past the curtain, Jayden ran his tongue along the roof of his mouth slowly, keeping his mind focused. He sat in a chair along the back wall, watching his father hold his grandmother's hand gently. Her hands were frail and disfigured from the arthritis, much more so than he remembered. Jayden could understand his father's fear of touching her. It was almost like she was broken, just a skeleton underneath her hospital issued gown.

She had pillows propped behind her head, and the fur was brushed from her eyes by an anxious son, hoping his touch would wake her from her slumber. But, it did nothing. Her breathing was still quiet, rattling out of her mouth defiantly. It was haunting how she looked exactly the same, yet completely different.

"How is she doing?" Jayden's mother said quietly, but Jayden could already see how she was doing. His mother just wanted some assurance that it wasn't as bad as it looked, even though it obviously was. He could understand her curiosity, since it was her second husband's mother, but Jayden really didn't want to hear about it. He was already painfully aware of what was going on, and some kind words wouldn't do anything to help him.

He seemed to be the only one who saw it all for what it was. His grandmother's old Coke-bottle glasses rest on the side table alongside her worn red bible, like she'd magically wake up and start reading it. The problem was that people seemed to think that miracles always had to come in the form of wondrous events, but that's not always so. Sometimes, miracles are nothing more than a rainstorm on a hot summer day, or a hug when you think you can't take another step. Why couldn't people just see that? He felt tears well in his eyes, just like they had before, but his thoughts on the matter weren't any different.

"Her condition hasn't changed," his father mumbled, looking down at the hand resting in his, "doctors have been running some tests, but they don't know what's causing it, but they don't think it's likely to change. She'll just stay like this until she..."

Jayden bit his lip to stop the quivering; why couldn't they just let the matter rest? They had to keep bringing it up, the repeated words bringing up recurrent waves of pain that didn't make anything better, or worse. It just made him hurt. What did it matter, anyway? Even if she did wake up, she still wasn't the woman they all knew.

When Jayden was a pup, barely even a year old, his mother had to return to work, and his father was barely ever around, between classes for work and the work itself. He'd lived with his grandmother from birth until he started school and always refused to go home.

They'd always laughed the days away, watching movies, or messing around with art supplies. Every time something would break, he'd be her little handyman.

School had brought about a new phase of his life, but every weekend he'd be up by the crack of dawn just so he could go back over, and he'd stay there until his bedtime on Sunday night. He'd help her with the chores, chat with her and her church friends, or just go for a walk around the countryside.

When his parents divorced, he barely got to see her anymore. His father moved back in with her and Jayden only got to see her some weekends. He could see her slowly drifting away. It was slow at first. So slow that it was almost unnoticeable. It started with her forgetting a word, then a sentence. By the time Jayden came out to his parents, his grandmother didn't even know who he was. It was a weird feeling looking into the eyes of the person who had nurtured you and made you everything that you are, only to see the shadow of their eyes. Jayden often found himself bothered by the fact that he could only think about how hard it was for him, even though his grandmother was the one who was a ghost.

Jayden had been waiting for this day, and it always teased the outskirts of his mind, poking in whenever he was in a particularly bad mood. So, he found things to hide behind; his writing, his gaming, and his boy problems. He was never really able to see his grandmother because of his father, but Jayden always felt like there was something else he could have done. Almost like he never tried hard enough.

His grandmother moaned softly, breaking Jayden from his daze as she lifted her arm mechanically. He saw his mother hold her hand over her muzzle, the tears welling in her eyes.

"See, Jayden?" She said, "She knows you're here."

"It's pretty common for people in a coma to do involuntary things," Jayden mumbled, his voice hoarse as he looked at the motionless shell in the bed. His mother looked at him, somewhat astonished at his words and he just looked away, "I looked it up."

He wasn't about to let everyone else delude him into thinking that there was even the slightest chance, because he didn't really have the strength to fall from even higher than where he already stood. You could go everyday preparing for something, getting yourself emotionally ready for the moment it finally happens, but as soon as it does, you're right back to where you were before. We can't see the future, so we can't live in it like it's already the past. You'll never be ready until you admit that you aren't.

Jayden watched his mother walk up to the bed side and grasp his grandmother's hand like it was a newborn pup. He heard her chest heave as she cried and mumbled quietly to her, thanking her for taking her in like a daughter. She relived the good times aloud, and her hands shook as she tried to remain gentle, but Jayden couldn't get himself to feel anything other than nothing. It wasn't that he didn't want to feel sorrow, it's that his mind seemed to fade out, leaving a hole in his head where his heart should have been. He heard her whisper goodbye, and then nothing else managed to escape her lips. She rest her hand on her lap alongside the other and stumbled her way back to Jayden's side. The moments passed in silence as they tried to find something to think about.

"Is it alright if I talk to Jayden alone for a moment?" His father asked after his mother managed to stop crying. She just nodded, her hand dabbing a tissue against her eyes and tear-stained fur. She closed the door behind her, leaving Jayden alone with his father for the first time in years.

His father hadn't taken to kindly to Jayden's confession and it had ended up with a slight brawl. No one was hurt, physically, but it made Jayden realize just how fickle people were.

Jayden tended not to tell the guys he liked about his father if they asked, because it tended to complicate their decision knowing that the worst is possible, despite what everyone else tried to assure them. Ever since Jayden first thought he was gay, his relationship with his father suffered, but it was always in silence. After a few years, he finally gave in and told them because he couldn't hide from the truth anymore.

His father looked at him wordlessly for a few long minutes, his arms crossed against his chest, the fur on his arms and head unkempt. Jayden fumbled with his finger between his knees as he hunched over and watched the overhead lights reflecting in the linoleum.

"I know I haven't talked to you in... years, but I just wanted to let you know that, when you're ready, you can talk to me. It's what your grandmother would've wanted."

"It's what she wanted all along, but you wouldn't even try," Jayden spat, his head hanging limply as the blood flushed his face and made him overheat. He could feel the small room become crowded as it closed in around him. Don't let him know how much it hurts you.

"I'm willing to try now," he said and Jayden looked up at him, his lip quivering almost unnoticeably, from anger, and from sadness.

His grandmother was probably the reason he was so forgiving. All along Jayden had thought it was a flaw with him, but now he could see it. She was the reason he was so lenient with Francis, and she was the reason that Jayden found himself wanting to make things work with his father. She always taught him to forgive and forget, because she said the Lord wouldn't throw them back to us if He didn't think we needed them. To her, the littlest things always meant something.

His father held a hand to him and Jayden looked at it venomously, unable to decide what he should do. His grandmother would love for them to be close again, but Jayden couldn't be sure he was being sincere, because this wouldn't be the first time he'd lied. Jayden looked up to his father as he stood there, one hand offered to him like they were about to sign a peace treaty.

"No," Jayden said softly, "not yet. What you did to me... I just need some more time."

"Alright," his father said, "take as much time as you need. I'll just go and give you some time alone."

He heard footsteps recede out the door and it shut with a click. Jayden looked up at his grandmother lying motionless in the bed a few feet in front of him. She groaned again and a shiver ran down his spine as he dared himself to move closer.

Standing beside the bed, he looked at her hand as it rest in her lap until his eyes could no longer focus and everything he saw was just a haze of sharp colors. A warm breeze seemed to flow through his head, sweeping out his every thought until he wasn't even sure if he was conscious. Swallowing as his knees became weak, he reached out and grabbed her hand in his, grasping it just firmly enough so he was aware that this was actually happening.

"I've never exactly been the best at saying goodbye, but I guess this is different. I just always thought that there'd be another day or at least another hour to say goodbye, or say thank you. I never even got to say thank you for everything you've done and making me the person I am today. I guess we always wish for a little more time to do the things we know we should have done a long time ago. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't need you sticking around for me anymore, I think I've finally got everything under control. I love you and I hope the angels lead you in."

Jayden kissed her forehead gently as he felt the tears roll down the sides of his muzzle. He wiped his eyes with his shirt as he put her hand back where it had been. Breathing slowly, he turned to walk out the door. He'd said everything he'd needed to because everything else had been said a thousand times through the years.

"I think I'm ready to go," Jayden said, regaining his composure just enough so his mother wouldn't know he had been crying.

"Alright, Jayden."

They walked through the halls, not seeing another soul passing through as they were all locked away in the rooms with their loved ones, praying to their Gods, hoping they could borrow just a little more time. He didn't know exactly what he was feeling; sadness, fear, acceptance. None of the words quite seemed to explain it the right way as they echoed through his skull.

Before he knew it, he was driving away in his mother's car, but this time the sky was a dark blue, the bright lights of the ever living city humming around him. The car hissed along the pavement as they reached the highway, living in the silence like nothing had happened. Fifteen minutes passed before he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket.

He answered it without paying much attention, greeting them in a hoarse whisper.

"I just wanted to let you know that gram just passed."

Jayden sighed to himself and closed his eyes, feeling a light tingling on his spine as a hand rest on his shoulder. It's said that people can hold on until everyone has had a chance to say goodbye, but Jayden didn't believe that. We, as people, give them the strength to hold on until we can accept that it's truly their time to go. He knew that hope came from inside ourselves, and that he never needed to go through it alone, because they're always with you in some way, like a warm hand on your shoulder that points you in the right direction.

"Thanks," Jayden mumbled and hung up the phone, "She's gone."

The silence was renewed as he looked to his mother, watching her place her hand on his shoulder, shaking him a little. He could picture Francis in the delivery room with Tammy, and he thought it was kind of funny how in the same day, some people can mourn while the others celebrate.