FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

After spending a week driven crazy by love and lust, adjusting to time without Davie was hard for Samel. Initially he'd been able to entertain himself off of curiosity alone as he investigated as many forums and articles as he could find on the internet about relationships with a substantial age gap, but the results were demoralizing more than anything else. Unsurprisingly there were a lot of stories of people falling into sordid and painfully temporary relationships, but from the tone of the writing it always seemed like they had never truly bridged the gap between their sexual and emotional desires. On some crusty looking forum, he found a post from over a decade ago, about an 18 year old who made off with a 50-something banker on a worldwide trip, only to get stranded in another country when they fell out with the banker. It stuck out to Samel because of how intensely they had described what all that intimacy had done to their emotional state. Long periods of confusion which ultimately led to issues that were never sorted out. Samel took in a lot of peace from that. Any issue between him and Davie had always been quickly addressed. Nothing lingered, everything healed as soon as it started. And he had no reason to doubt the recent drama would be any different. He had no reason to believe he had been groomed, that was just a narrow way of viewing the situation because Davie ended up with something good, but so had Samel. And if that wasn't the case, it never would've gone as far as it had.

It was difficult, more than anything else, to not text Davie. Not ask him how he was feeling, if he'd reached any conclusions. But at 11PM that night, his phone buzzed with a message.

Goodnight Samel, I love you.

Relief put a smile on his face, as he stood in his room, clutching his phone to his chest. He sent back a reply, much to the same effect, then lay on his bed hoping for another message. None came, but it was enough. He fell asleep, curled in a ball. Tomorrow would be a new day, and likely Davie would come back. There was much to look forward to.

When he woke up in the morning, there was another text from Davie.

I need you to read some of this, let me know if I ever made you feel the same.

Attached to the message was over a dozen images of text conversations. From how the sent messages were phrased, he could tell it was Davie. They were from six months ago, back and forths with a contact named Ky. Almost immediately it was clear Ky was Davie's ex boyfriend. Ky was aggressively soppy in how he spoke to Davie, talking about how much he enjoyed the boar's company with a chilling bravado that only made Samel's heart pang, knowing that this man had cheated. There was the suggestion of permanence, that Ky felt so truly smitten with Davie that marriage was floated as more than just a suggestion, but a promise without ever being mentioned by name. So much talk of "when we're older", or comments about how they'd remember these moments looking back. All of Davie's replies to those messages were a little hesitant, but embraced the idea. Then out of nowhere, Ky accused him of lying, that he was stringing Ky along, toying with him. Davie's response was fiery, a complete rejection of that but Ky went on to talk about some party and how Davie had started acting strange after it. Davie exploded with anger, Samel could feel the heat of his words as he ranted paragraphs of fury, describing how he knew what had happened between Ky and one of his friends. That his boyfriend blowing other guys in a back room wasn't part of the relationship he wanted.

It took Ky a few hours to respond with a single line:

See? You're not in it for the long run :/

That message stung like a thorn in Samel's heart. He stared at it, anger brought a snarl out of him. The next message Davie sent was a week later, just asking Ky to pick up some milk on his way back after work. Ky responded with a heart. The presence of something so mundane was almost jarring. There was no way Davie could've sent it without reading what Ky had said, being reminded of what Ky had done. Yet they carried on. There was a pattern, Samel realized the further he read. Ky would layer on so much positivity, only to turn around with a scathing remark, or comment on Davie's supposed loyalty. And Davie would lash out, which only became another thing Ky would later hold over him. All of this was interwoven by various mentions of other infidelities Ky had committed, and how heavily they weighed upon Davie.

The last few images were mostly from the same night. Davie asked when Ky would be home, only to be told Ky was going to be busy tonight and decided to stay at a friend's. Two hours later, Davie responded with a picture of an empty bottle of spirits.

_Did you drink my bourbon?

Ywah

Why? I was saving that you asshole.

U wan thi s coxk?_

Davie had attached a picture of his fully erect penis on top of the head of a red toothbrush.

_You're so fucking disgusting. What's wrong with you?

didnthink so

I'm so done with you.

Hav fun with wexly :))

Asshole._

Ky had sent a photo of an otter with the tips of their pierced ears dyed green, staring up at the camera as they slobbered over Ky's fat cock.

_. was jokin... why do udo this sht it fuckin hurts..

I wasn't joking. So break up with me because there's 3 other guys here who all want a turn.

:(

Coward._

Within an hour, Ky sent three more pictures of himself with the others. At 3PM the next day, Davie sent the second last text.

We're breaking up. All your shit is in bags outside my apartment and if you don't take it by tonight I'm fucking burning it.

Ky's response made Samel livid.

Lol.

Samel was breathing heavy, hands shaking as he flicked back through the images one last time. He squeezed his eyes shut, racking his brain for anything at all that might overlap between these messages and his experiences. He wanted to prove to Davie things were fine, and he wanted to believe that so truly that he could do more than just assert that he was okay with everything if Davie ever brought this up. After a time, he started drafting his response to Davie.

This hurt to read. You must have been hurting so badly, and this is just what you texted to each other. I can't imagine if there was more. You've never treated me this way. The opposite, more often than not. You make me feel so special, so appreciated. Even mature, because you are honest and don't act like I'm too young to understand. But maybe that's what Ky did to you too. I see how he used to build you up and knock you down. So I thought on that, how that might match what happened yesterday, after all the good time we had before it and I can't make that work. You didn't try to hurt me, you didn't twist me or try use me. Something pretty big happened, and you were so open with all your concerns. Can I ask why you wanted me to see this?

He felt good about it. It was true to himself and how he felt. He sent it. It took a few minutes for the reply.

Cool. I was just leading into this. How do you feel now?

There was another image attached. Samel's heart stopped the moment he opened it. They were dated within the last week, from the day Davie had come back to him. More messages to Ky.

Jealous, fucker?

Davie had attached the pictures of Samel posing naked in front of the pump shed. Samel cringed, nausea set in his gut as he stared in disbelief. He hadn't expected those images to go anywhere past Davie. His heart pounded painfully in his chest.

_Congrats. You're a criminal.

He's legal and he's mine

K.

He gives way better head than you

Funny, I never tried hard with you.

I'm aware

Only you could think seducing a highschool drop out would score any points on me. Go ahead, enjoy him. Hope his parents don't find out._

Davie hadn't responded after that. But a message sat in his text box, unsent.

Samel, I'm so fucking sorry. You have no idea how much this shit has been hurting me. I'm so fucking stupid.

Samel dropped his phone, tears in his eyes as he curled back up on his bed. He felt sick. He snatched his phone, nearly stabbing the screen with his claws.

_Why?

There's no justification. I'm not even going to try. I just do shit. Stupid shit.

Delete every photo and video you have of me right now.

Already have._

Davie sent a picture of his phone's gallery, no evidence of Samel remained.

I need you to tell me I fucked up. If you sweep this aside I swear to fucking god I am actually done. There's so much guilt Samel, more than ever before and can you please just fucking acknowledge it. Punish me for this shit before I really lose it.

Samel stared at the message, the nausea in his chest close to boiling over as he had a sickening realization. He opened up his browser and reverse image searched the pictures he still had of himself. He started bawling, three different revenge porn websites were hosting them. He wasn't sure what to do. He felt so betrayed. All the trust and faith he had in Davie's sincerity, shattered. Yet even now, there was part of him trying to rationalize through the fear. That this happened before they started dating. He even scrolled up in their message history to confirm. Davie had sent that to Ky only an instant after he'd hung up from the video call. That this had happened before they'd fallen in love.

He loaded one of the revenge porn sites, scouring it for a report button. And there was one, right above the comments section. His curiosity got the best of him. His face wasn't in the pictures, just most of his body. There were only two comments.

_HOT id plow that stripey ass all fucking day

i wanna guzzle this dudes lil nuts lmao_

A whisper of arousal broke through the revulsion, he took a screenshot of the comments under the image. Then, disgusted with himself he snarled and reported the image. All he had to do was claim that it was him and he wanted it gone, and the webpage reloaded to inform him that he'd tried to access a missing image. Relief hit harder than he expected. His phone buzzed.

_I really need to see what you think. I'm sorry I'm freaking out

Ky submitted those pictures of me to revenge porn sites, so thanks for that

Oh fuck. I'm going to fucking kill him_

Samel sent the screenshot of the comments.

Davie tried to call, Samel let it ring for a moment before hanging up. A torrent of messages kept his phone vibrating as he went about removing the pictures of himself from the other two websites. Disappointingly, there were no more comments. Somehow he'd found himself almost bemused by the situation, it covered up the hurt of it. He knew he was still reeling from it but there was satisfaction in how complete strangers had reacted to seeing his body. Samel checked the flood of texts from Davie, all of them variations of apologies and more concerning outbursts of anger at himself. With an icy grin on his face, he replied.

_What'd you think of those comments?

The fuck???

Pretty good aren't they?

Are you fucking serious?

No. I'm pissed at you, you broke my trust. But damn, I feel pretty good about those comments. Knowing there's someone else out there that'd plow this stripey ass all day. Might be able to trust them too._

Maybe that was a little too bitter, but that was what Davie wanted, wasn't it? Recognition that he was hurt, that he wasn't just ignoring this. He laughed as he loaded up that first revenge porn site again, it had a ton of different search filters and he was certain he'd find what he was looking for. He filtered it by boar, and he didn't even have to scroll down very far. The picture of Davie resting his boner on Ky's toothbrush was right there, no comments so he added his own.

id still brush my teeth with that

He took a screenshot and sent it to Davie. His phone vibrated with another call, he picked up this time and put it on speaker.

"Samel." Davie's voice was nasal and weak, he was sniffing, clearly crying.

"Dude there's so many photos of you." Samel chuckled as he scrolled down the webpage.

"I don't fucking care. I'm so sorry."

"Can we talk about the picture of you with a fox tail buttplug?" He laughed out loud. "Someone posted on it, ahahah. Listen to this. Fat piggy's tail wasn't enough so he shoved a real one up there. That's so fucking funny."

"What are you doing?" Davie sighed.

"Thinking about jacking off to these photos of you."

"I-" He paused. "Are you okay?"

"Not really, but some of this shit's really hot. Oh my god." He stared at a picture of Davie's gaping asshole. "Were you Ky's boar slut or something?"

"Don't even fucking go there Samel." Davie growled. "I understand if you want to hurt me, but keep it between us."

"Fine." Samel rubbed at the bulge in his shorts. "Did you wanna drive over here and let me fuck you?"

"Uh." Davie sounded confused.

"Get booty called by your little tiger slut."

"I don't know... is that what you want?" There was so much hesitation behind Davie's words.

"Probably."

"I'll do it Samel, I just don't think it's... right. If you want to get even-"

"Who the fuck said this would make us even? This isn't even a fraction of what you've done to me you fucking asshole."

Davie exhaled. "You're right." Then with more hurt in his voice than Samel had anticipated, he continued. "I'm sad that you think that's part of what we need to make even. It means I've hurt you more than I realized."

"The fuck do you want me to do? Punch you in the face?" Samel scoffed. "Of all the sex related pains you've given me, sending my photos to your ex who owned you in the backtalk and put them online isn't the worst. I already got the images down. Now I'm just heated, and horny. Which reminds me of you, and your solution has always been to fuck those feelings away. So get the fuck over here and let me fuck you."

"I'm coming." Davie sniffed, his keys jingled in the background.

"Yeah you will be."

"I... might need to teach you how to talk dirty."

"What makes you think you're so good at it?" Samel sharpened his words, surprised at just how much anger he found to pack within them.

"That's a little better." Davie's voice brightened a few tones, less breathy and more certain.

"Fuck up, whore."

"Nice." After a long moment, he took another audible breath. "Samel, what's the worst anyone's ever hurt you?"

"Probably this."

"Figures..." The sound of Davie's door shutting behind him set a wave of anticipation up Samel's spine. This was really happening. "What's the worst you've ever hurt anyone?"

After a long pause, Samel still wasn't sure. He'd made mistakes in life, everyone had, but only one of them felt relevant. "Yesterday, when I bailed on catching up with Hunter because he was upset he thought I was getting groomed."

"Fuck..." Davie's voice quivered. "I'm so fucking bad for you. Listen to you, look what I've caused."

"Then get the fuck over here and get on my cock."

"God dammit Samel." Davie growled. "That's not going to fix any of this."

"It'll fix the tension in my shorts and that's all I care about."

"Fuck." He made a pathetic sound. "This isn't like you at all, I can hear how much you're hurting and I don't know what to do about it."

"How about not sending my nudes to your ex?"

"If it isn't that fucking obvious I'm not over him yet, I don't know what the fuck to tell you but I'm going to get really upset if you keep bringing him up."

"If you're so used to getting fucked by him, are you-" Davie ended the call. "-going to..." Samel's brow furrowed as he stared at his phone. Regret ran thick up his throat as he called Davie again. It rung out. He waited a moment, heart pounding in his chest. He felt so uneasy, so afraid he'd actually gone too far. He dialed again. Davie answered.

"What? I'm driving, fuck off." He sounded so plainly annoyed.

"I'm sorry." Uncomfortable silence filled the call, only broken by the alternating clicks of Davie's indicator.

"I deserve it," Davie mumbled. "I shouldn't be such a whiny cunt. I hurt you, if that's what you want to repay it with, I should take it like the bitch I am."

More silence. Samel wasn't sure what to say. That rush of discomfort had robbed him of his angry arousal, now he just felt empty. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"You and me both kid."

"I'm... scared." Samel sniffed, not surprised to find tears in his eyes. Davie didn't respond. The call went quiet again, until Davie pulled up outside and he ended it. Samel went to let him in. There was no hug. Samel expected some kind of emotional reaction from himself, but he regarded the boar with indifference as they wandered into the kitchen. It hadn't even been two weeks since they'd first met.

"So." Davie drew in a long breath. "My only thoughts are this. I'm going to try to fix it. And if it can't be fixed, we should end it, for your sake. Because I can't tell if I've fucked you or your life up harder at this point."

"Can you stop trying to break up with me every single time there's an issue?" Samel shuddered, glassy eyed. "It only makes me terrified."

Davie collapsed onto a stool, hands clutching his head as he stared down at the kitchen counter. "Y'know, I thought I was being cynical when I said this wouldn't be worth the headaches. Guess I just knew I'd fuck it up."

"Do you wanna talk about h- it..." Samel awkwardly took a seat beside him. "Like, the elephant in the room? Ky."

"I do, but not right now. I can't handle it right now."

"It's not your fault, how he treated you."

Davie's face split as he stuttered into tears. "I fucking warned you." He leant over the counter, folding his arms over his eyes as he sobbed. "It's not your fault either. I don't wanna speak about him because I fucking feel like I'm him. Like I learned some twisted shit and now I'm using it to get what I want out of you."

"And what is that exactly?"

Davie went deathly quiet for a long moment. When he continued, he was almost whispering. "In the back of my mind, there's this voice that wants me to bend you right into shape. It's so fucking disgusting. It makes me feel so dirty, as I consider the things I want to do with you and how I want you to be. With me, specifically. What I could do to make you like that. It gives me so many fucked up ideas. It's happy that I'll probably die before you. That if we do make this something permanent, I'll be happy the rest of my life and then I'll die. And you'll just have to hold that after caring for me. It's so fucking morbid. So fucking filthy."

Samel breathed deeply, unsure if he could even control the swirling anger that battled the compassion within him. "So you would groom me then?" he asked, voice quivering.

"Yeah." Davie lifted his head, tears on his face. "Except every single time I consider listening to what it says I would rather tear my own fucking heart out of my chest and crush it in my hands because at that point I'm just some fucking monster who doesn't deserve to live."

"Have you ever acted on what it tells you?" Samel's hands were shaking.

"Come close." Davie reached into his pocket. "Come real fucking close." He unlocked his phone and opened his messaging app before handing it to Samel. "I want you to see for sure that there's nothing else I've shared about you with Ky. Oh, and check my recent messages for a surprise. Wasn't going to tell you about that one yet but you deserve to know."

Samel frowned as he briefly scrolled up Ky's message history, he didn't want to pry any further into that. Then he pressed to go back to Davie's recent messages. Second from the top, his heart stopped. Hunter. He looked into their messages.

Thanks for hearing me out. I'm going to do it.

Davie had sent that last night.

Look after him you scumsucking piece of shit.

Hunter's reply was far harsher than he expected.

"I drove past him on my way home. He sat in my car while I had a breakdown about what I was hiding from you. I thought he was going to bite me he was so fucking angry. He's why I told you. He's probably waiting for you to call or something." Davie sighed. "That's the sort of friend you need. Not me."

Nausea burned in Samel's chest as he considered what he now knew. There was no easy answer, nothing that could truly satisfy all of the problems. He hurt for himself, but more over it hurt to see Davie torturing himself. "If I punish you for this, do you promise you'll stop punishing yourself?"

"Yeah."

"Two weeks. Go, and stay gone. Don't message me, don't call me. Don't speak to me. Don't even fucking think about me. Sort out your head. Start therapy, something, I don't know dude." Samel's heart hurt saying those words out loud. "When you come back, I'm going to have more friends around me. I'm going to be busier. Things won't be as easy. We won't be together as much as we are now. I don't even know if I'll want you back. I'm serious. You're right. You're fucking up my life and that scares me. But I do still care for you, enough to try make it work. But two weeks. That's nearly a third of the time I have left on break. If this is worth keeping up, it'll be even harder for us to know with less time. And I think I'm okay with that. Because you're fucking your own life up as much as mine and we're not going to do this if we're both suffering."

Davie stared, tears in his eyes as he trembled. He nodded profusely, then collapsed into a teary mess.

Samel dropped a hand on his back. "It feels hard to say it right now, but I do still love you. You hurt me, this is my response, and I feel awful because you're hurting too. But I'm drawing a line here. I think I have to. Sort yourself out. I told you I wanted to help you, and I still do, but I can't do this right now."

"This hurts so fucking bad." Davie clutched at his belly. "But it feels right. Is it wrong to say this gives me hope?"

"Yeah, it is." Samel scowled. "If you think hurting me is some smart move to rubberband yourself even further along-"

"I don't mean like that." Davie sighed, brushing tears off of his face. "I mean that you're not just sweeping this under a rug. You're holding me accountable. It means I can't get away with treating you like garbage, that I have more arguments against that shitty voice in my head. How do you think about that?"

"Schizophrenia."

"Fuck me." Davie's eyes widened. He stared at the ceiling, quiet as he sucked in a long breath. "You think?"

"I don't know for sure, but that's what I'm thinking." Samel frowned. "I want you to go to a doctor. I'm just some student who doesn't really get it, I'm guessing, throwing out big words that I think apply. Please, seek help. Because I do love you. You keep saying things aren't right about you, so fucking do something about it."

Davie took a deep breath, then he stood and wrapped his arms around Samel. "I'll do it."

They kissed briefly.

"Two weeks," Samel repeated. "Go."

And Davie went, trailing tears.

Samel was shaking, it took more resolve than he knew he had to do that. And damn, the realization of it all was still hitting. The loneliness came surging back. But he wouldn't have to endure the boredom alone anymore, now that Hunter was back. His heart ached with uncertainty, with regret, and still burned with betrayal over what Davie had done. But he was content despite it all. Because he had time to heal, on his own. Without Davie confusing things. And that was good, he needed that.

There was also something else he needed, and that was Hunter. He dug his phone out of his pocket.

He nearly flung it across the kitchen.

"Shit." He growled as he read the message from Step's mother, received half an hour ago during the torrent of texts Davie had sent.

Hi Samel, booked for pool guy to come again at 11 tomorrow. Thx.