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The biggest #pettyhighschooldrama thing happened at lunch Wednesday. It all started when I was walking over from the lunch line with Scott and Marty, trying my best to contribute to their indubitably highbrow conversation on whether tittie fucking counted as getting laid. Things were looking good at first: I was enjoying my daily game of ingenuous heterosexual bantering, my tray was loaded up with delicious edible chemical slob that I was looking forward to eating, and Scott was a total bro flirting with creepy one-eyed Erma the Axolotl Lunch Lady (so she didn't make any inappropriate sexual passes at me!). But then, once we reached the jock jungle part of the cafeteria, before my eyes lay a gruesome sight... a disturbance in the sacred, inviolable cosmic order that was high school cafeteria seating arrangements: Daren was sitting next to Toru.

To most anyone, it was probably innocuous and meant nothing, but to me it was a cursed sight. When Daren sat next to me we'd sometimes do footsies or touch each other's thighs sensually under the table... It was a special little thing between us, so Daren sitting between Chris and Toru was nothing short of a declaration of lovers' war. What was worse was that he looked extra cute today; he was wearing a baggy Detroid Redwangs jersey that made him look like a huggable mound of meat. But instead of sexy adorable, I was more inclined to think of him as a filthy traitor, and not just because he was wearing a Michigan hockey jersey to a varsity football table in Ohio. AND THAT AKITA! Et Toru brute?

And smite my penis, for just a split second, right before I got to my seat, I saw Daren's paw on Toru's thigh! That was our thing! I'd normally probably use this time to talk about how shocked I was at this extra confirmation that Toru's probably gay/bi/whatever but I just arteth so shooketh that Daren beith pulling this shit right now!

Marty and Scott's conversation blended into the background, as I stared at Daren like a woman scored (with fury that hell hath none of), hovering above my seat like a bitchy gay specter. "Oh... you're sitting in a different spot today," I said to the Rottie with just a hint of accusation in my voice. Toru, who was just smiling lightly a moment ago, muffled some sort of meeping sound before averted his gaze from me. He opted instead to innocently focus on his food... that boyfriend stealer Akita...

"Yeah, problem?" the Rottie countered steadfastly.

Oh shit, actual confrontation.

"N-No..." I said flatly, measuredly taking my seat and placing down my try, any desire to make a scene immediately shot down. His response caught me off-guard for a moment, but I quickly turned my expression around and continued chatting up Scott and Marty as if nothing was amiss. It was probably for the best.

If anything, the lack of conversation between me and Daren today helped things go smoothly. After all, we were apparently still being a little prissy with each other. Only I noticed my eyes constantly slipping over to Daren and Toru several times during lunch with a sinking feeling in my gut. Watching them throw each other low-key flirty, knowing looks... Daren occasionally patted Toru's well-developed shoulders... laughing at every other sentence the other said... I was trying to engage in a conversation with Scott and Marty despite how goddamn stupid it was, but slip slip slip went my eyes.

As I failed at not watching the two Dogs over to course of lunch, the vague feeling of animosity churned and warped in my stomach and turn into something... saddening... gross, but also wanting. I... ah, fuck it I was jealous. It hit me a few minutes before the period bell rang: This shit had been going on long enough and I needed to redress this fucking garbage pile situation. There was no way I could survive this kind of envy on a daily basis.

When the period bell rang, I caught Daren just as he said goodbye to Toru who had to walk in a different direction. Walking to class with low shoulders and eyes on some study guide or the other, he was clearly broadcasting that he didn't want any Panthers to strike up a conversation with him. But that didn't stop me from winding through the bustling throng of students and calling out his name like an aggressive soccer mom. He turned to address me cautiously as I asked, "Hey Daren, can we like... talk? Like, after school maybe?"

Like after school maybe

Daren had agreed to meet me at my point of choosing: the mostly out of sight dumpster in the empty corner of the school parking lot. It smelled like... well, garbage, but the graffiti on the walls was always funny: my favorite was, 'Mr. Krabs is a Beta cuck'. What a nice backdrop for our conversation.

So, after another brutally dull pre-calc 7th hour that made cardboard seem edgy, I rushed to the spot as quickly as I could (we had only 5 minutes or so to talk before I had to head to football practice). Lightly catching my breath, I peeked over the dumpster lid, keeping an eye on the area stealthily so that I could conceal myself from students heading back in their parents' janky old cars. Didn't want anyone to see me and question why I was standing by the dumpster like a fucking heroine dealer. After a few minutes of shameful peeping on the outpour of students, I saw a big slab of brown furred-meat appear by the impractically heavy school doors. I anxiously rubbed my left arm as I watched Daren amble toward the dumpster, going over the things that I was going to say (and inevitably butcher/forget) in my head.

I knew since Daren was usually reasonable, the conversation should turn out to be fine and all but... bleh, being responsible and sorting through bad vibes with a crush was like... the extreme version of forcing yourself to eat Brussel sprouts or other disgusting healthy vegetables. Rather than fluttering butterflies, the nerves I felt at that moment were more akin to... slugs. Or having a stomach full of sugar-free gummy bears.

Finally finally, the reluctant-looking Rottie made it to the zone of stank. "What up?" he asked me nondescriptly as if he genuinely didn't know what was up, dropping his backpack down on the ground.

I let out a huff of air from the side of my mouth and cleared my throat like doing that actually helped you speak more clearly. Let's just get this over with... "I'm guessing you're mad at me for the whole Francesca thing? Can we work this out, please? I really don't want to be fighting with somebody I like as much as you... It feels wrong," I pleaded as rehearsed.

Daren let out a sort of noncommittal 'mmm' sound. His eyes lowered to the side with an uncomfortable half-frown, as if still disputing how mad he was in his mind. His lips pushed out as he let out a big huff of air before responding, "Look it's fine. It's whatever. I ain't mad, just disappointed."

Fine?! It's about as fine as the crack my mom snorted when she was pregnant with me!

You could practically see the angry anime mark pop up on my temple at the wishy-washy response, "Oh don't give me that! You asked out another guy literally minutes after I agreed to go with Francesca! You didn't try to talk me out of it or anything first! How do you think that makes me feel?" I said with my hands splayed across my chest in exasperation.

Daren's eyebrows lumped together contentiously, "I ain't ask nobody out. I was asked out," he stated firmly staring me down like I was.

Right my feline ears twitched at incoming voices of two annoyingly peppy band-geek sounding mofos talk about that stupid FortKnight game that was all the rage. Instinctively, I hunkered down to make sure I was extra out of sight and tugged down on Daren's jersey sleeve to tell him to follow suite. His eyes rolled upwards and he crouched down with me with an even more miffed muzzled than before.

We continued the conversation in low whispers because... you know, secrecy.

"Seriously? Like in the five minutes after I said yes to 'Francesca'?" I whispered aggressively in a mix of disbelief and lingering vexation. "I thought you were just saying that!"

Daren's level stare didn't let up in the slightest, "S'all true. He... oh whatever, he gonna come out anyway, it's Toru. Toru wanted to ask me when you weren't around and that just so happened to be when. Plus, he wanted somebody to go with so he ain't gotta come out alone and have somebody to support him. You really gonna fault me for helping him with that?"

I reflexively opened my mouth to protest, but then an errant thought stopped me. Toru, Mr. all-stress-diet Toru, had more courage to come out than I did.... And here I was mentally writing him off as a 'boyfriend stealer' when Daren and I were never even official... fuck. "...No..." I said yieldingly, before coming back with my own piece of truth, "But I can fault you for boasting about it to me! You were rubbing it in my face at lunch! If you were that upset with me, you could have at least tried to talk me out of it first!"

Daren sucked in a long breath, bouncing his gaze and head around in contemplation before finally letting up, "Aight, point taken. And maybe I did say 'yes' so quickly because I was mad at you some... but get this here, if you had just said 'no' to... whatever the fuck her name was, but still didn't come out, that'd be one thing. But going to homecoming with a girl after you told me you was thinking about finally coming out to your friends, that was just a fucking slap to the muzzle, fam," Daren declared, anger emerging in both his expression and whispering voice.

Yeah well...

That's only...

If you think of it like...

Okay he had me there.

"...Point taken." I said with a relenting sigh, ears drooping. "I'm... sorry..." I managed to say without going into apology-induced anaphylactic shock. "I'll... maybe see if I can break it off with Francesca," I offered.

"Then... guess I'm sorry too..." Daren replied with just a tinge of shame in his voice.

I looked at Daren with an uncertain but hopeful smile. The Rottie let out a moment's chuckle before half-smiling back at me. Thank God... that sexy smile of his was back, and not directed at my expense...

"We good?" he asked.

"Yeah, we're good," I said with resounding relief.

"Wanna hug or some shit?"

"Uhh..." To the Rottie's chagrin I raised myself up just enough to scope my surroundings for students who might spot us before deciding that paranoia was really the best killer of good moments. "Yeah sure."

Huge muscles greeted me eagerly as I hugged Daren's masculine frame quickly and fully. The Rottie smiled at the awkward sudden hug and wrapped his arms around my back, giving me an affectionate squeeze. Daren's body warmth permeating beyond the jersey to warm and tingle me. It felt so good... It was only a few days but OOohhhh did I miss that.

Despite how wonderful that hug was, it didn't last all that long; after a few seconds we broke off the hug and looked back at each other with relieved smiles on our muzzles ...but then my eyes dropped and I suddenly remembered the other half of the conversation I had planned. "Uh..."

Just one last little... colossal... thing to talk about: 'us'.

Crouching back down, I started scraping my claw against the dirt nervously as I broached the final topic, "So, where does this leave us then? I mean... it was only a few days ago when had that wonderful night... that started out horribly... Are we still going to be more than friends if you're taking out Toru to homecoming? I still really want you as my boyfriend, even if you're not ready," I asked with pleading eyes. At this point my dumb self-righteousness and victim complex was completely gone with the wind. I just wanted what we had back... I wanted my big buff Rottie cuddling with me in my bed again.

As the question lingered in the air, I saw the same longing look in Daren's beautiful hazel eyes. Initially it was a relief; I could tell that our emotional connection was still strong. I knew what transpired was just a little verbal scuffle but we were still interested in each other. The only thing that alarmed me was that his look was... sad. Really sad. Especially the moment he crouched back down with me, "...Rob... the last few weeks with you have been... really nice. Amazing even. I think thanks to you I might actually be ready to move on from my last crush..."

Hearing Daren's thanks sent a flutter of hope in my gut. For just a moment that hope cut through the current of doubt from Daren's slow and dark manner of speaking... only to get sucked back in the torrent. "But when you decided to go to homecoming with a girl, it reminded me that I promised myself a long time ago..." He sighed, almost lamentingly. "...That I ain't never gonna date someone in the closet again," he spoke heavily, left fingers gripping his fist tightly as if to restrain.

His last sentence made me feel inadequate and... desolate. "What do you mean? You dated someone in the closet before? Did something happen?" I all but whined, my tail slowly curling around my left leg.

Daren nodded, head drooping sullenly. Again, it took him a while before he spoke up, "Yeah, First boyfriend ever, actually. Middle school. It was great at first when nobody else knew... puppy love and shit... But then his friends caught wind that we was fucking... and he... uh... "Daren's voice cracked for a moment. He shook his head and let out something of a grunt. I stared at him, flabbergasted. "Did something... to prove... he ain't actually gay," he stammered, his expression sinking to something dark. He paused for a moment even, just looking off in the distance.

Daren was choking up on his words and I was getting a very, very bad feeling. Not just an awkward feeling but... out of place, like it was too personal and that I shouldn't be hearing this; You could just tell this story didn't have a happy ending. "...So, what did he do?" I asked with anxious anticipation.

Old memories were no doubt coursing through Daren's mind. The Rottie's expression twisted to something bitter and hurt. There was a slight ache to his words, "Something... to me. Something that left... damage................." He let out a painful huff that made him look years older for a moment. Then, a surge of anger. He balled his fists angrily and gritted his teeth like a feral snarling dog. His eyes were glossy as if wettened by the beginning of tears. "Let's just say that after what he did to me I started getting in fights at school, picked up weight lifting and started fucking older men."

Holy shit...

"I..." was all I managed, completely at a loss for words. I struggled to think of something to say, but no, nothing. Obviously, I couldn't tell just what happened from his vague words, but I could tell that it was... dark, traumatic even. I didn't know for certain, but I could feel it; Daren looked almost haunted as he stared out to the distance, his body tightening up...

I didn't think it was meant for me, but there was something bitter and resentful in his expression when he finally looked back at me, "So I realized I gotta set my boundaries. We can be friends, but no more than that. Not until you own up to who you are."

The current of his words was almost enough to knock me back on the ground. My jaw slacked open and eyes widened with a creeping feeling of loss. How pathetic I must have looked right then.

Daren's note of bitterness gave way to a much more languid expression as he sighed at my reaction. With both paws he wiped down on his face and looked down to the ground. He shook his head sideways as if lamenting some echo of his past. "I can't play these fucking games anymore. We talking while crouching by a fucking dumpster for shit's sake. I'm exhausted from school, exhausted from work, exhausted from college applications, and I don't want to be exhausted from sneaking around just so I can talk to you half the time. I want a boyfriend who can always be there to support me, not just when it's convenient for him."

'Not just when it's convenient for him.' Those words echoed in my mind. They made my body feel heavy, and made me finally, finally realize it. As much as I liked Daren and wanted him as my boyfriend... I was sending the message that my feelings weren't ever strong enough to own it. This whole time I was prioritizing staying in the closet over this guy who I starting to fall in love with. God, wasn't I just the shittiest star struck lover ever...

How to even put to words what I was feeling at that moment? Guilt? Sadness? Self-pity? Sympathy? A mix of things...

And the shittiest part? The first thing I thought after hearing this wasn't 'oh well I guess I should come out of the closet'. No, no, if only I were that mature. It was, get this, 'I guess this is over then'.

Can you fucking believe me?

My body deflated as I exhaled, and I got into my habit of rubbing my left forearm. I couldn't tell you how long that heavy silence lasted between us, "So that's it then? We can't be affectionate or anything? Not even do footsies even?" I asked with ears folded backwards and sagging whiskers.

"Yup... That's it," Daren said with an unsatisfied toss of his shoulders. He then looked at me with wanting, almost pleading eyes, "...Unless you wanna come out?" he spoke softly, a tiny ember of hope stuck in his voice.

I stared back at Daren. And...

...

...

...

...Nothing.

I couldn't say anything. I just froze up. No jokes, no witty retort, no rare moment of sincerity, just nothing but a ghastly feeling of being shackled by icy chains...

I've made jokes about me being pathetic before... but this was the real thing.

Daren stood there with that damn glint of hope still in his eyes... Looking at me... Waiting for an answer. But it wasn't my voice that delivered the answer.

*ring ring ring ring*

It was the school bell.

"I'm gonna be late for practice..." I said.

With hurt eyes, Daren let out an unsurprised puff of air, shaking his head downwards with eyelids closed tight in disappointment. I strapped on my backpack over one shoulder. He tossed on his own backpack and started walking away from the dumpster with me.

Looking at Daren's downtrodden expression one last time, I rubbed my arm hard enough to chafe. "Look I'll... I dunno, I need to go..." I said with more panic in my voice than anything else.

"Yeah, later jock boy..." He muttered before we parted ways.

I looked over my shoulders as I jogged back to school, hoping to find some final hint of closure or something, anything from our conversation. All I noticed was that Daren was walking in a direction opposite of me...

...

...

...

And that was that.

After that day, every lunch I'd have to deal with the same sight. Daren sitting between Toru and Chris. He'd be striking up all sorts of conversations now with Toru, Chris, and even Jayce... It was nice in some way to see him finally interact with friends, but it was also painful because, well, he didn't need me anymore. I guess it wasn't horrible or anything. But, my Mind... oh Holly Dolly did my Mind ever come up with unsavory comments as I watched Daren's new life on the other side of the lunch table (especially when he got low-key flirty with the Akita).

How did things get like this?

We were fucking and cuddling last week like nothing could be better and now THIS.

God, if it were any other circumstance I would have been so happy to hear that Toru was gay too...

We'd finally have something to talk about, heh...

But no, I'm just can't get over this whole fucking thing with Daren...

I know it's lame and pathetic that I can't come out but...

I'm only seventeen! Is that really so late to the game?

And just look at him sitting over there...

Doting on Toru like he's more important than me now...

I've been Daren's best friend at this school for like a month now! Doesn't that mean something?

But what he said to me about the last time he dated a closeted guy... I just get such a bad feeling from it... Maybe it was never meant to be...

But why am I so mad seeing him be this close with Toru?!

Is he having the same kinds of experiences with Toru as he is with me?

Is he... being really nice and supportive when Toru fucks up at sex?

Oh God, is he fucking Toru? I mean yeah that's hot, but agh, why did I think that?

Oh, and now get a load of him laughing extra hard at Toru's weak attempt at a joke.

It wasn't even funny! I'm the funny one!

How can't people notice what's going on here...?

It's so fucking obvious that they're flirting!

...Or do people notice and just not care...?

...If that were me, instead of Toru... would people not care all that much?

...

...

...I hate this.

_ _

The stage curtains open to me moping around in my disastrously messy room Saturday night with shaggy unkempt hair and an inexplicable hobo beard (damn that week went by quickly)

Being gay sucks... come out and it's this whole big scary thing. You don't know who will support you, who won't, or how your daily life will change. All you know is that people will treat you differently... But don't come out, and your dream man thinks you're a lame closet case and won't want to date you!

Why do I even have to live in a world where I have to make that choice? It isn't fair...

"Gloom..." I said as I caught a nearby Gloom on Pogglemon GO, hunched forward like a hermit troll on top of my bed. I was actively avoiding looking at the various football posters on my walls because football reminded me of practice which reminded me that it was my excuse to Daren when we had our conversation which I wasn't trying to think about. This was the level of bullshit my mind was going through to avoid thinking about Daren.

Suddenly my Tiger dad opened the door to my room with a big dorky grin, and the live studio audience went wild with applause. "Hey Rob, you didn't take any of my ganja, did you? I was gonna make dank weed brownies tonight, but I can't seem to find my bag of Alaskan Thunderfuck or Crouching Tiger Hidden Alien."

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

......................................................................................................................................................FUCKING REALLY?!

You know, I almost prefer mom's weird euphemisms for sex to hearing dad use Gen Z/millennial slang. But putting that aside, there was no fucking way that 'Alaskan Thunderfuck' and 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Alien' were actual strains of weed. I'm checking that shit.

*Performs psychic Gewgle search*

2020 results found for 'Alaskan Thunderfuck' and 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Alien'

MOTHER FUCKER!

I moaned at the unwanted comic relief and collapsed sideways on my eternally unmade bed.

My reaction was not lost on the middle-aged Tiger, unlike his weed. "Hey son... you seem a bit glum today," Dad spoke in a concerned, softer cadence in response to my lack of an answer to his ridiculous question that was completely inappropriate for him to be asking his son anyway.

"Life is nothing but pain and misery, leave me to wallow in my despair," I muttered melodramatically, wrapping myself in a blanket cocoon to protect myself from Dad's... dad routine.

But my flawless strategy of shutting myself off from human furry interaction with a blanket failed, because dad just strode on over to sit down by my side, "Gosh son, have you been reading your sister's diary?" the Tiger asked with a chuckle, placing a concerned paw on my thigh. "But seriously, what's wrong, Rob? This is the first time I've seen you mope like this, and on a Saturday night too! On Saturday nights you usually hang out with Scott, surf the internet or masturbate, not this!"

...OhmygodfineI'lltellyoujuststopbringingupmymasturbationhabits

"It's Daren..." I said with a forlorn sigh, at angst level: Smells like Teen Spirit.

"Oh no, you two didn't break up, did you?" Dad asked with lowered, concerned eyebrows. "And I had so many jokes I still didn't tell him yet."

I undid my cocoon situation because it was making talking very awkward, addressing the white Tiger with a look of 'you are so not helping right now', "Dad, I told you, we were never official to begin with!" I said forcefully.

Dad was being so fucking unnecessary right now, but... he was already here, so I might as well talk to him, right? "It's just... a few days ago he kind of told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me as long as I was still in the closet at school... and now things are so weird between us. Like we're sort of friends still, but everything's just so wrong," I said with a new wave of angst surfacing.

Dad started nodding his head way too enthusiastically, "I see, I see. Well... are you gonna do it? Are you ready to come out? It might be good for your stress levels! You know what Dr. Moore said after all!"

"I dunno..." I responded under a surge of anxiety coupled with self-pity, staring up at the ceiling as if some sort of answer were hidden just out of sight. "Part of me really wants to... not just so I can be with Daren, but because I'm sick of all these ridiculous and improbable scenarios that I find myself in because I refuse to come out... But even if I think I want to do something my body doesn't respond properly. If I even think for a moment to do or something that might hint at me being gay... my body freezes. And I usually then end up cracking a joke or something."

Dad's next comment... I dunno, it deserved some sort of an ironic award or something.

"Well, have you tried getting sorority girl shit-faced?" he said completely deadpan serious.

I gawked at Dad in disbelief, "You want me to get drunk so I can come out of the closet?"

"Yeah, it always makes telling people embarrassing things a lot easier!" Dad said humorously and some unnecessarily strong pats to my back, "That's how I was finally able to tell your mom that I had a choking fetish."

I'm gonna choke just listening to you!

"I thought this was supposed to be a heartwarming father-son bonding moment where you tell me about being honest to my emotions and to search deep down for my own personal truths! Not a platform for... frat boy advice!" I protested like an uncool loser who just roundaboutly admitted that he really did want to have a heart to heart conversation with his dad.

A nostalgic smirk appeared on Dad's face after I said the word 'frat', "Nah... just get shit-faced. It'll make the process a lot easier. Just get smashed at a party or something, let some sensitive personal information slip out and I'm sure Daren and you will be gay married in no time!"

"Thanks... Dad," I said with suppressed peevishness, ears flattened in disgruntledly.

"My pleasure son!" Dad said cluelessly (where I get it from), giving me a pat on my back. He then put on a safari hat that I had on my nightstand dresser for some reason. "Now I'm off to search for the mystical weed of Oz."

With that Dad harried off on his legendary quest, leaving myself in my room to shake my head disapprovingly... though admittedly I was feeling a bit better... for, some reason. I dunno. It wasn't like I appreciated my dad's weird effort to console me or anything. Nope, definitely not that.

But now that he was gone... I started to wonder: what would it be like to rely on alcohol to come out_...?_ Would it actually make things easier for me? I've always avoided it at parties because I was afraid I might let something slip if I got drunk... but if I actually wanted something to slip out...