University Story - Chapter 6
Chapter 6 - Restless dreaming
Alex awoke from his restless sleep. He tried to get up, but he was held in place. He felt warm and looked back to see Shane still happily lying behind him, his arms wrapped strongly around him, keeping him against his chest. He looked so peaceful. Alex sighed in shame. Shane loved him so much, but he felt like he betrayed him by thinking of Keith. The leopard was the one who was with him; he was the person who loved Alex. Not Keith. Keith, if anything, probably hated Alex. Sure, he had made an effort to get along at Alex's first practice, but he hadn't done anything afterwards. Shane on the other hand was with Alex. He felt the same things as Alex. Shane seemed like the obvious choice...but then why could he not forget about Keith?
Shane let out a long yawn, and looked down at Alex. He had a huge grin on his face, and all of his sharp, white teeth shone in the early sun.
"Morning babe...best sleep of my life." Shane's face was beaming. Alex pictured his face streaming with tears, from sadness and anger. He cringed at the thought, and looked away from him. He could never do that to someone who loved him so much...
"You ok? You're shivering." Shane looked concerned and pulled Alex closer to him, making the husky feel even worse. Even something like a tremble made Shane jump into hero mode. He pulled a blanket over Alex, and began rubbing him up and down, thinking it was the cool morning that made Alex feel so cold.
Alex turned his head to not look Shane in the eyes. "No, no, I'm alright." Alex tried his best to put on a happy tone, but he couldn't hide how shaky his voice sounded.
"No, you're not." Shane sounded serious. Alex couldn't hide anything from him. "Don't shut me out. I meant everything I said last night, and I'm not afraid to be with you, the man I love. We have no reason to lie to each other." Shane snuggled Alex and rubbed his face in Alex's head fur. He was so considerate, and Alex knew that he would never do anything to hurt him. Alex wanted to make sure he didn't hurt him either. He just didn't know how...
"There's just...a lot going through my head right now..." Alex forced himself out of Shane's arms and leaned up against the side of the jeep. He pulled his legs close to him, and shielded his face from the leopard with his arms. Alex held himself, as Shane had just done, and tried to figure his thoughts out.
Shane leaned up and looked at Alex, fear and confusion in his eyes. He was desperate for answers. He thought he and Alex had spent the best night of their lives together, so why did Alex wake up like this? Only the worst flew through his mind. Maybe he had forced Alex last night, and the little fur was too scared to object...No. Shane told himself over and over in his mind that that was impossible. Alex had loved what had happened the night before just as much as he did. He was so sure, but doubt filled his mind. Alex looked so alone, even though Shane was right there. He wanted to yell, to scream, any way to let his love know that he was close. He wanted to be there for Alex, but he was in a place he just couldn't reach.
Shane put a paw on Alex's knee and the husky curled up tighter at his touch. Oh no, Shane though. It was him...Alex didn't even want to be touched by him.
"Alex, please...whatever I did, just tell me. I never meant to hurt you! I swear!" Shane's voice was becoming increasingly loud and frantic. He wanted answers that Alex felt he just couldn't give.
"No, Shane...I think...there's just something I need to figure out." Alex stood up and put his jeans and shirt on. He looked back at Shane, still naked in his car. He felt horrible, but his thoughts didn't make sense anymore. He really liked the leopard, but something was troubling him, holding him back. Shane was perfect and he deserved Alex's full attention, which was something he couldn't give unless he confronted the man that haunted his dreams. He needed to know for sure...
Alex crawled towards Shane and kissed him softly, but passionately. "You really mean a lot to me Shane. That's why I need to leave you for a while. You deserve to have all of me, and I need to guarantee that's what you'll get." Alex looked Shane right in the eyes. Alex's blue eyes were still bloodshot from crying yesterday, and Shane could see the sorrow behind them. He felt his whole body sink, and felt physically sick at what was happening. Though Alex just wanted to leave the jeep, it was as if he was leaving his life completely. Shane couldn't handle it, and turned away from Alex's piercing eyes.
"If it means that much, then there's nothing I can say. Clearly it means more than me..." Shane's voice was a whisper now, almost as if he didn't want Alex to hear what he had said.
"No! It's just-" Alex tried to explain.
"Please, I'm not stupid Alex. Something is holding you back, and if it's something that you can't even tell me, then I don't want to know..."
Alex tried to say something else, but nothing came to mind. Everything that needed to be said had been. He just wished it hadn't been so painful. Shane wasn't completely right, but it wasn't a lie. He was aware that Alex couldn't focus on him. It hurt him more than anything, but he opened the back of the jeep and jumped out. He walked straight for his dorm, and didn't look back. He couldn't bear to see Shane curl up in his car, alone, and empty...
* * * *
The walk back to Darby Hall was a horrible one. Alex remembered making the same walk to the football field the day before, thinking his future at Duke would be ruined. He didn't think it was possible, but the choice in front of him felt even worse. He had been hurt many times before in his life, and doing this to Shane made him remember all of his old wounds. What hurt the most was that it was him who was injuring someone else now. He was making someone feel like he had felt so many times. Someone who meant so much to him was sitting alone and miserable and it was his fault...
More than once, Alex stopped walking and just looked back. The sun was just rising, and he could barely see the field. He could still go back. Shane would be there, but he was scared that even now, he might reject Alex. He had practically broken his heart. He never meant to, but how could he not? Shane might wait for him, but what if he didn't come back? What if their paths weren't meant to cross...He looked forward to his dorm, and to the person who lingered in his mind, but was lost to him. He looked back, to the football field, where the person who had found him in the dark, but only clouded his thoughts, lay in wait for him. Alex fell to the ground and tears blinded him to both paths. He couldn't choose. It was overwhelming him...
"Alex?"
Alex jumped back up in shock. He quickly wiped the tears from his face, but he couldn't hide what he had just done. He looked up at the voice that had woken him from what felt like a nightmare.
"Keith? Wh-What are you doing here? Sorry...I just..." Alex couldn't talk. Every sound that left his mouth turned into a mumble. Just looking at the wolf's concerned eyes and comforting presence made him fall back to his knees. He covered his face with his paws, but he couldn't hide himself. He was completely open.
"Alex? What's wrong?" Keith sounded horrified. What had happened to him last night? Keith had planned to tell Alex how he felt, but the little husky had never come back to the room. Keith had never seen someone look so defeated. He didn't know what to do. He picked Alex up and just held him. Alex was limp in his arms, almost like nothing could reach him. Keith made Alex look him in his eyes. He wiped the tears from his fur. "Tell me what's wrong Alex. What can I do?"
"I-I don't know how to say it..."
"If it means this much, then just say it. Don't hold back. It's clearly a heavy burden, and I can't stand to see you like this."
Alex left Keith's embrace and steadied himself. The big wolf was right. Alex had to be strong, not just for himself, but for Shane and Keith. It would only make this harder if he looked so weak.
"There ya go." Keith smiled a small smile at Alex, "Now, let's start slow. Where were you last night?"
"I-I, well, there's something I need to say first. Please, just understand. You may not like what I have to say, but I can't lie. It's worse than anything I think anyone can do to me." Alex took a deep breath, and looked Keith right in his eyes, "I'm...gay."
Alex closed his eyes tight, and waited for yelling, anger, violence, anything. He cringed when Keith touched his arm, but his eyes opened wide when Keith just hugged him. He held Alex, and didn't say anything. This was definitely not the reaction Alex expected. He looked at Keith's face, and into his eyes. He never noticed before, but Keith had the same color eyes as him. They were beautiful. He had never been this close to Keith.
Keith was ecstatic at the news, but composed himself for Alex. His mind was screaming with possibilities! He was terrified that Alex would reject him if he found out about how much he liked him, but now there was a chance! He didn't want to wait. He leaned in and, just like his dreams, he touched his muzzle to Alex's, and pulled him into a passionate kiss.
Alex really didn't expect this reaction! He didn't even think Keith would accept his sexuality, but here he was, making out with him! Alex's mind became crystal clear once Keith's lips touched his. All the fear, worry and confusion that he felt when he was with Shane were gone. He felt his body go limp in Keith's arms, but because of bliss and not sorrow anymore. He was happy, and fulfilled. This was what he needed, and what he had been searching for.
Keith ended the kiss and just looked at Alex. He looked amazing, and the wolf never felt happier then to have the little husky wrapped in his embrace. He would never let go.
"Keith...I..."
"You don't have to say anything. I love you Alex, and I never knew how to say it, but I don't have to...you feel the same. I can feel it, I just know." Keith picked Alex up, and started walking back to their dorm. "Now I'm here for you Alex, and tonight, nothing can hold us back." Keith nuzzled Alex's head, and Alex wrapped his arms around his neck, and kissed Keith. He had found his path, and his answer...
* * * *
Keith walked into his and Alex's dorm room, still holding the husky in his arms. It was happening! He had been dreaming of this for so long, and he wanted to pinch himself, terrified he would wake up. He lay Alex on his bed and just looked at him for a while. He looked at Alex's gorgeous figure, lean but toned. His soft gray and white fur felt wonderful on his paws.
"You're so beautiful Alex. I was so scared of how I felt about you, but I just feel right." Keith leaned over Alex and kissed him again, soft but rough. He had never kissed someone like this; it meant so much to him.
"I can't believe this is happening..." Alex was speechless, but he felt just like Keith. They had both been empty for so long, but now that they were together, they were complete. Alex could stay with Keith forever, and wished it had happened sooner. He didn't have to hide anything from Keith, and this freedom was empowering. The old Alex was gone, and Keith just seemed to bring out the best in him. He wasn't blushing, he wasn't scared. He was lost in the impossible paradise he found.
"I've wanted to do this for a while." Keith whispered
"So have I..."
"I didn't understand my feelings, but I can't deny anything now. It took me some time to come to terms with this, but I guess I've known ever since I first met you. You didn't just bump into me that first day. You found me, and I found you..." Keith smiled a wide smile, and lay on top of Alex. He was so big, he covered all of the little dog, and this made him feel strong, like he could keep Alex safe from anything.
Alex was panting like crazy, his cock straining in his increasingly tighter jeans. Keith was awesome, and his tongue was going crazy. The big wolf's tongue had left his mouth and was working down his neck. Alex couldn't help but moan when Keith lifted his shirt and ripped it off, beginning to roam his rough tongue through Alex's chest and nipples. Alex wanted to do all the same to Keith, but Keith pinned his arms down. He was doing all the work and it was driving the little husky crazy. Alex was moaning and squirming in bliss, and tried to move, but Keith kept him firmly on his bed. Keith was rubbing his face, tongue and nose through Alex's chest fur and smelled something. Something that wasn't Alex.
Keith ended his pleasurable torture to Alex and looked at him in his eyes. Alex breathed in deeply, finally having space to move as Keith sat up, turning to look away from his dream come true. He felt sad that Keith stopped and he felt his breath quicken again when he could smell Shane on his chest. No more than 10 hours ago Alex had been doing this same thing with the leopard. Alex touched Keith's arm, and he cringed. Keith knew. He was friends with Shane, so how could he not tell? They both sat in silence for what seemed like forever.
Alex couldn't take it anymore. "Keith, it's not-"
"Where were you last night?" Keith's voice boomed through their small room. He usually took great care to keep his loud, deep voice under control, but his emotions took over. "Yesterday, I wanted to tell you so bad. I waited up all night for you. Why didn't you come back?" Keith turned his head to look straight at Alex, and he had to look down as the little husky cringed at the stare. He sunk down to look smaller then he already was next to the huge wolf. He couldn't hide anything from Keith, and just seconds before, it was this freedom that made him happy, but now he felt trapped. Trapped in a mistake that Keith now knew.
"It's really not what you think!" Alex's voice was desperate and he was surprised he could choke out any words through the tears that were forming in his eyes. "I had a message on my door and it said to meet someone at the football field...I thought that someone had found out I was gay, and I pictured the worst...but when Shane was there...he just...made me feel comfortable I guess... " Alex trailed off, knowing that Keith already felt betrayed.
"You have to understand! Shane was there for me, and I needed someone...he was there when I wanted it to be you...but you were never there for me!" Alex covered his mouth when this came out. It was louder then he wanted, but it was true. Alex had wanted ever since he met Keith to be with him, but Keith pushed him away. Alex needed someone to be there, to help him through the fear and confusion. Shane stepped up, but Keith let these same feelings push him farther away.
Keith shot his head at Alex and looked devastated. He was right, he thought. He had been thinking about what Alex had done to him, and didn't realize how little he was there for Alex. He was too afraid to be with him, and he lost his chance. He felt horrible, as if his dream was lost because he was just too late. He wanted to do anything for Alex though, and the past didn't matter. He would do anything to be with him now, and no way Shane felt the same as him. Impossible, and he was going to be sure.
"Keith, wh-where are you going?" Alex was sitting on Keith's bed looking up at wolf as he stood up and walked to the door. He was terrified that now Keith was out of reach. He was going to be alone again, and felt his stomach sink.
"You're right Alex. I wasn't there for you." Keith sounded like he was crying, but his back was turned to face Alex. "Clearly you need someone...better than me..." His voice was low, nothing like the powerful tone it was before. He looked small, and he choked back a whimper and ran to the door.
*SLAM* and he was gone.
Alex reached his paw out to the empty air where Keith had just been sitting. He was alone again. He ruined everything, and now he had no one...
* * * *
Keith didn't come back to his room the whole week. Alex didn't know where he was, and didn't blame Keith for not wanting to see him. Alex thought it was all his fault, and so did Keith. Just like their love, they felt the same about their betrayal. If only they had confronted the issue that night, but deep down, they both just wanted to run.
Alex had spent the whole week going to classes, not talking to anyone, and just running to his room. If Keith returned, he wanted to be there. He needed to tell him how sorry he was. He never came back though. Alex had a definite chance though. Today was the team's last practice before their first game on Saturday. It was mandatory, and when Alex saw Keith there, he was going to be sure to catch him. He knew that neither of them could live like this anymore.
For the third time, Alex walked to the football field with a knot in his stomach. He felt sick thinking about what was going to happen. He had to face the person he loved about his feelings, and he tried to think about what to say. He couldn't think of anything, and wished he didn't have to do this.
He saw the stands. Empty. Good, he really didn't feel like pretending to be happy around his friends. He loved them, but he just couldn't bring himself to lie to them, but wasn't ready to tell them how he felt.
Guys were pushing their way into the locker room to get changed. They all seemed so pumped up for tomorrow's game, and Alex tried to psych himself up. He had been wallowing in his sorrow all week and he couldn't stand it. He hated this feeling, and it was all he did in the past. Now he knew he had to be strong. He couldn't be the old Alex.
Alex saw Keith at his locker, and took a deep breath. He walked towards him, but something jumped in front of him. It was Zac.
"Hey little guy!" Zac said mockingly, pulling Alex into a head lock, "Scared? There's still time to quit before you fuck up our first game!" Zac had tried to get Alex to quit ever since he joined, and Alex did not have the patience for it now.
"Back off Zac!" Alex pushed the larger bear back, with surprising force. Of course it didn't faze Zac at all, but it was surprising enough to quiet the locker room for just a moment. "I don't have time to deal with you today." Zac looked stunned for just a second, and then regained his conceited arrogance.
"Whatever. Just don't get in my way in the game, ok? We don't wanna lose just cause ya got lucky enough to get on the team." A few guys behind Alex chuckled a little. Zac laughed loudly and pushed his way past Alex onto the field. "Fag..." Zac muttered as he walked by and Alex nearly jumped him out of anger. He tried to calm himself, but he couldn't stop the growl that escaped him as he walked over to his locker.
His locker was right next to Shane's and Alex almost forgot about him. He had been thinking about confronting Keith so much that he forgot about having to talk to the leopard. Alex opened his locker and Shane turned to look at him.
"Hey Alex. Can we talk really fast?" Shane pulled Alex aside to a less crowded area of the room, and whispered to him, "I'm sorry I acted like that when you left. I know you had your reasons, and I was just scared that I had ruined everything. I'd love to be with you again, and I hope you can forgive me."
Shane looked strong, Alex thought. He stood at his full seven feet, and looked down at Alex. He really felt bad, but wasn't ashamed of what had happened. Alex was about to answer, when he felt something strong on his shoulder. He turned around quickly and saw Keith. He was standing right behind him, in the same powerful stance as Shane.
"Hey you two." Keith's voice sounded weak, almost as if he hadn't slept in a while. Alex looked down, avoiding the gaze of the two furs who meant so much to him. He shut his eyes and prayed that this wouldn't turn into something ugly.
"Hey Keith! Ahh, can me and Alex have a sec? it's kinda serious-"
"I know. I have just as much right to talk to Alex as you. We all have something to talk about."
Shane looked confused, and looked down at Alex, who was holding himself and blushing profusely. Shane lifted Alex's head with a finger under his chin and looked at him very seriously.
"Why does Keith need to hear this?"
"Because-" Alex tried, but he was interrupted.
"Because he loves me." Keith answered for Alex, seeing how hard it was for the little dog to talk. He was stuck between the two massive furs, and felt trapped again.
"What?" Shane's voice was louder now.
"I know all about what you too did that night, but what happened after is all that matters. He left you because all he could think about was me. You're just a distraction Shane." Keith was practically growling at Shane, both of their fur beginning to stand on end. Alex couldn't stand to listen to this.
Shane looked both furious and devastated. He thought he and Alex were perfect together, and all that needed to happen was for him to apologize. He had never imagined something like this.
"That's bullshit. Alex was with me, not you. I cared enough about him to say so. You were too late." Keith's hackles began to rise, and he grabbed Shane's jersey forcefully and pushed him against a locker. Alex just jumped out of the way before the two began to wrestle on the floor, spotting insults and fists. A few other guys ran over and tried to separate them, but they were too strong and determined. They both loved Alex, and couldn't lose him again.
"STOP!" Alex yelled at the top of his lungs, causing complete silence. This wasn't supposed to happen. He walked over and ripped the two much larger furs off of each other, pushing them away from one another. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Don't fight over me, it's not worth it!"
Both Shane and Keith were breathing heavily, there fur still on end. They wouldn't have stopped if Alex hadn't intervened. No one knew what was going on, but the rest of the team began to scatter once they saw the fight had ended. No one wanted their two best players to get injured before their first game.
Alex was tearing in both anger and fear. He couldn't bear to see them act like this, and for what? Him? They were worth way more than him, Alex thought. He couldn't think of anything to stop this. All of their feelings were so strong, and Alex did the only thing he thought could stop further conflict. He loved them both too much to see them get hurt.
"We can't go on living like this," Alex took his paws off the two much larger furs and stepped back. He leaned against a locker and looked at them both. "If all I'm going to do is cause pain, then...I'd rather be alone..." Alex's voice was shallow, and he hated to say it. He knew who he loved, but he'd rather take all the sorrow and hate, and let them move on. He could handle being hurt, and he didn't want to see them go through what he had felt so many times.
"What?" Keith and Shane asked in sync. They were too devastated to care about each other now. They both focused entirely on Alex.
"You don't mean that." Keith desperately asked. He had been holding in his feelings for so long and just when he was sure of how he felt, his love was going to leave him. He knew how Alex felt though. He cared too much about them. He was trying to take all the hate, but how could he think that's what any of them wanted?
"I do. Please, just forget about me...you mean too much to waste your time worrying over me..." Alex turned and ran out onto the field, not looking back to see the pained faces. He sat on a bench and tried to compose himself, splashing water on his face to hide the tears.
Shane and Keith looked at each other, and then back to where Alex had just been standing. Keith slumped against a bench and put his head in his paws, and Shane just stood there, shaking, eyes shut to keep the tears back.
Alex thought that he had taken all the sorrow on his shoulders, but all three were frozen in place. Nothing helped, and they forced back the pain and walked onto the field...