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I wake up with my mind wired. The drama that has taken over my life replays itself in fast-motion above my bed, as though a projection on the ceiling.

I'm in a sticky situation, and that's not meant to be some sort of cum based pun. It feels as though the pieces of my life have been thrown into the air and now I have to catch them before they hit the ground.

It's all being made so clear to me on the replay.

My best friends both had crushes on me and I rejected them. One of them hasn't spoken to me in days. I went out with two different guys in a week, now they're at each other's throats and telling me contradictory tales.

I'm not sure what to do about any of it.

There have been so many lies and secrets, so much sex and emotion that I've had just about enough of all of it. I'm burning out.

It's Monday and as I embrace the waking world, make myself presentable and head out to work I have the strangest feeling: I'm looking forward to it. The monotony and regularity of my day job is exactly what I need right now. That, and Adrian.

He wasn't at work on Friday. Eve talked to him though, apparently he said he'd be back in today. I want to see him and clear the air between us. I want to make sure he's okay. I want things to go back to normal. I need them to.

Still, as I walk through the chill morning air I have a quiet fear that things wont be so easy. Yesterday I ignored his calls, I even sent him a text telling him to stop bothering me. I'm regretting that now, why should he have known exactly what I was doing? It's not like we had talked about it. In my defense I was high and about to get fucked for the first time in a long, long time, I think it's understandable that Adrian was not foremost on my mind.

Things don't start off well at work.

The fox isn't at reception when I get there. It's his post so either he's not in yet or things aren't going according to plan for me. I force myself to cling to hope, otherwise I'd break down.

I need something positive to happen today.

I greet colleagues as I walk by and ask if anybody's seen him. They haven't.

I get to my office and sit down. There's a sting of pain and immediately I realize how sore my butt is after last night's antics. Ugh, why do people like bottoming again?

Hell, I shouldn't complain, if everyone thought that way I'd have no ass to ride. And, to be honest, it was kind of fun being on bottom for once, not that I'm planning on making a habit out of it.

Time passes at a crawl. I'm anxious and the anxiety grows exponentially with every minute. While the day progresses I hold on to the hope that Adrian will pop his head in and say hello, but there's no sign of him. After a couple of hours pass I make an excuse to visit reception, but Adrian still isn't there.

I hope he at least called in sick and hasn't skipped without saying a word. I know the fox thinks he's invincible but having a butt that our manager, Dom, likes staring at won't save his job forever. No, he would have called, he's more practical and down-to-earth than his often exaggerated appearance might suggest.

When lunch break finally rolls around at its a decidedly languid pace I'm itching to find a phone to call him. I accidentally left mine at Ryan and Marty's place last night. My head was cloudy after the cocaine comedown, plus Marty and Ryan were yelling at each other and I wanted to get the hell out of there, so at least I have a decent excuse for my blunder. My life probably sounds very rock-star if all you know about it is the cocaine and wild sex, but to my chagrin it definitely is not. I've just had a very strange week.

I can't remember Adrian's mobile number off the top of my head - I only know my own, my parent's home and Eve's without needing to check - so I ask a coworker, a mutual acquaintance of the two of us, if he can read it out to me. I bluff that it's work related and that I forgot to bring my mobile in. The last part is half true at least.

Number in tow I use the company phone in my office to call him.

It rings and rings. He isn't picking up.

It rings and rings.

There's a rustle, then the fox's voice. My ears stand at attention at the sound of him, but quickly proceed to droop when I realize what I'm hearing.

"Hey there, I'm not here right now - busy being fabulous - but you can leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to-"

I end the call. My stomach drops and fear attempts to creep it's way into my mind and dispose of whatever lingering sense of logic and calm still remains.

I call him again. Nothing but the recording.

This isn't like him. Is he cutting me out? Did I hurt him more than I knew? What the hell is going on here?

For the rest of my break I decide to take a walk outside in an attempt clear my head. It doesn't work. He's all I can think about. I'm closing in on panic as I head back to work.

Dom's waiting for me at the entrance to my office. The weasel's snout is pointed down at some kind of document he's holding low in his paws. I'm surprised he can see it looking so far down over his bloated belly.

I scald myself for being so judgmental. I'm on edge and it's making me see the worst in things.

When Dom sees me he nods politely and signals towards the door. He lets himself in and takes the seat across the desk from mine.

I don't know what to expect, but certainly nothing good. A new wave of anxiety and fear washes over me. I do my best to suppress the emotions as I take my seat and smile at the weasel.

"Afternoon Dom, to what do I owe the pleasure?" My voice is manicured and false, a persona, another me.

"Don't worry Kale this isn't anything to do with you, in fact I came here to ask about Adrian. I know the two of you are close."

"A-Adrian?"

Under the cover of the table I grip the arms of my chair hard. My tail curls around my legs involuntarily.

"Yes. It's just, he hasn't shown up for work today and he didn't call in. I'm sure you noticed he wasn't in on Friday either, but he called in sick then. I'm simply wondering whether you know why he hasn't called or what might be going on with him."

"He didn't call?" My head's spinning. Why wouldn't he take a few minutes even to do that?

What does it mean?

Come on Kale, think.

"That's right, we've had no contact from him at all today. I know you're his friend, but it won't be news to you that this isn't acceptable behavior. I was hoping you could shed some light on the matter." He pauses, a hungry grin flashes across his muzzle. "Personally I miss the sight of his tail around here."

I ignore the comment and do my best to focus.

He's made no contact at all?

Oh god, what's the fox doing?

He could lose his job for this.

Think Kale, think. Figure it out. Work through it step by step.

Last week we argued, I was uncomfortable with our relationship changing and he wouldn't let up on discussing my love life.

What next?

He called me and we ended up arguing again. He said he was going to ask me for help, but things went so badly he never told me what it was about. I thought he might have made that comment just to hurt me.

When Eve talked to him he said he was busy this weekend, Marty thought that was probably Adrian's bluff to force his absence and make me miss him.

It's all secondary accounts and assumptions with huge chunks of information missing.

I try and create some sort of clear picture with the limited knowledge I posses.

Why isn't he here today? What was he up to this weekend? Why didn't he call in?

I've been ignoring the signs.

Flashes of memory cut deep into me. When I first met him we got along instantly, we grew close. I remember the day he opened up to me about his history, about his struggles. I remember when he came to my crying, he told me he kept making mistakes, he rolled up that sleeve and...

I've always been there for him. I helped him with all of it. With his family, with his anxieties, with accepting who he is. Until now.

I haven't been there for him over the past few days. I haven't been there for him, and he might have needed me.

What did Eve tell me Adrian was up to this weekend? She didn't mention it. I didn't ask.

Idiot.

Suddenly I'm conscious of Dom again.

"Kale? Did you hear me?"

I did, but I wish he wasn't the one asking these questions and triggering these memories. Dom's asking because without Adrian he's got less ass to stare at, not out of genuine worry. Maybe that's an overreaction, but I don't care. The weasel's a dick.

I try to keep the boiling emotions out of my voice.

"I'm sorry Dom. I've just realized something, it might be related. I need to make a call."

Before he can make an objection I'm dialing Eve's number into the office phone. I've known her longer than any other friend and she's kept the same number for years, stubbornly sticking with the same phone as technology rapidly improved around her. By now I've got it memorized, at least I think I do, but I get the number wrong on my first try. Damn, was that fourth digit a five or a three? Does it end with a one or a four?

"What's all this about Kale?"

"I know this seems strange right now, but I really need to make this call."

I get the number right this time.

The phone rings and rings and rings. I meet the answerphone. I cancel the call and ring again. She's at work, but if I call twice she'll pick up. She'll know it's important.

"Who are you calling?"

"Somebody who might know what's going on with Adrian."

Dom grunts and nods, clearly a little confused by my manner but accepting it all for the moment.

Eve answers on the fourth ring.

"Eve, it's Kale. I'm calling from the work phone."

"I assumed it was you, troublemaker. Why are you using the work phone wolf boy?"

"I left my mobile round at Marty's by accident. Anyway, Eve, this is going to sound strange but what did Adrian tell you he was doing this weekend?"

"Is this worth interrupting my workday over?"

"Yes." I say it with a certainty that she respects.

"Uh, let me think." She pauses. "Something about a visit from his family."

The world goes cold.

I fucked up.

"You're sure he said family? Did he mention his parents?"

"I'm sure, and yeah he said it was his parents, that's right. What's all this about anyway?" I go silent. I can't move. "Kale? Uh, hello. Kale?"

I've never seen Adrian more distraught than when I saw him after a visit with his parents. The way they treated him when he was younger scarred him, I don't think the years have much changed them. He broke free, but all it takes is their presence to shake him, to bring back those memories and to create new ones.

"Kale?"

I don't know what's happening, but...

I drop the phone and stand.

"I need to leave. Now."

He's all alone. Without me. The last contact I had with him I ignored his attempt to reach out and told him to stop pestering me. I wasn't there for him when he needed me. I made poor choice after poor choice without even thinking about him.

Apart from Adrian, all of reality loses shape and definition.

Dom is yelling at me.

I'm striding down hallways, then jogging.

When I'm outside I'm running.

Adrian.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe he's just being a stubborn, melodramatic bastard, maybe this is all so much hassle over nothing.

But, no.

I know him.

This isn't like him.

He didn't answer my calls. He didn't call in sick.

He saw his parents and had nobody there for him.

Something is wrong.

You would think he could just say no to a family visit, but it isn't so simple for him. The way I see it it's halfway between post-trauma and Stockholm syndrome. Sprinkle in a little 'family values' and societal norms and there you have it: he can't say no to them.

I need to concentrate. I can't let myself get distracted from this. I need to be there for him now.

On a street corner not far from work there's a familiar husky. He stares at me, confused, as I pelt down the sidewalk. It clicks too late that it's Ryan.

"Kale, wait!" He yells as I pass by.

"No time, sorry!"

I don't stop, I don't even hesitate.

"Oh, uh, okay!"

I'm running down street after street, still dressed in smart work clothes, I must look half-crazed but I don't care. All I care about is Adrian.

Please be okay.

I hope that I'm wrong. I want this to be some kind of miscommunication or misunderstanding.

It's only when I reach his apartment building that I realize I don't have a plan.

I decide there's nothing else I can do so I press the buzzer for his flat and hope he answers. My heart thumps so hard and fast that I can barely hear anything outside of my chest. There's no response so I try the buzzer again.

There's still no response.

The state of panic that has been building up inside me finds itself on the verge of reality. I grip my fists shut tight and breathe out slowly. I need to keep myself together.

What next?

I can't just leave, no fucking way.

I should have told Eve what I thought was happening, then she might have been able to help. I would call her now, but my fucking phone is still at Marty's. Dammit. Dammit!

I need to calm down.

What next?

I need to get into the building, that's step one, but the door's locked.

How am I going to get in?

Suddenly the entrance dooropens and a raccoon steps out.

An idea forms and materializes in an instant.

I jerk into motion, nodding at the raccoon nonchalantly as though I were always meant to be here, he smiles a plain, polite smile and holds the door.

Returning my nod he lets go of the door as I come within reach, leaving me to prop it open. He doesn't move off immediately, instead his paw goes into his jacket pocket. My heart stops. He must have realized I'm not from here. His paw comes up brandishing a phone and he stares at the screen, taps at it and then walks off. I walk into the building without taking another breath.

I would count myself lucky but considering the rest of what's going on it would be a foolish assertion.

So, now I'm in the building, but there's another issue. How the hell am I going to get inside Adrian's apartment?

I take consistent, measured breaths and call the elevator. It takes an eternity to reach me and by the time I'm at Adrian's floor my anxiety has built so much that I'm finding it increasingly harder and harder to maintain my concentration. My breathing quickens involuntarily, I knock on the fox's door.

There's no answer, of course there's no answer.

My mind works overtime.

I knock again, nothing.

He could be out, yes, or he could be ignoring me, or... I don't know. I have to get in there.

Fuck, I wish I had my phone, or a damn key.

"Adrian," I yell, forcing my voice to project concern rather than anger or panic.

No response.

Think. I need to think. How do I get in?

I force myself to breathe more slowly. I have to stay calm.

I'm making a lot of fuss over something that might not even matter.

I knock again. He still doesn't answer.

I can break the door down.

Shut up Kale.

I can...

He had a spare key.

I remember. He had a spare key.

Why I am such a fucking idiot? Why can't I remember anything else.

Calm down. Concentrate. You have to concentrate.

He offered a spare key to me last year. I told him I'd only lose it, that it would be better off elsewhere.

Why did I say something so stupid? He wanted me to have it. Why did I do that?

Concentrate.

I don't have time to examine my own psyche.

What did he do with it next?

He...

He said he'd hide it near his apartment in case he lost his key or if somebody really needed to get in.

A good precaution.

Where did he hide it?

Where did he say he hid it?

Did he even tell me?

I examine the empty hall outside his door.

I really can't remember. Maybe he never told me.

I look around the hallway, there's a large plant pot in the corner showing off a well-kept specimen with large verdant leaves, there's the door to his apartment, there's some well worn flooring. That's pretty much it. I don't think Adrian is the type to leave keys under a potted plant but I take a look anyway.

There's nothing. Maybe he left the key with Eve or with one of his other friends after I refused to take it. Why didn't I take it? Idiot.

Think, Kale. If it's still here where would it be? Where would Adrian put it?

He's crafty and practical. He would keep it close by but out of sight, somewhere atypical.

I rack my memories, reliving a plethora of moments that I've spent with the fox, searching for a clue.

We were in his apartment, chatting, and... that could be it.

I'm on my paws and knees looking under his door.

He once pointed out the gap under his front door being unusually tall. He had joked that the owners spy through it. He said they must have a foot fetish.

It was a throwaway comment, but it's all I have to go on.

My face is on the hard floor and I'm looking under the door. There's only a crack of light to see through but I can just about make out Adrian's carpet. No sign of movement, but it does look like the lights are on.

Oh fuck.

Stay calm Kale.

He may have headed out and left the lights on, anybody can forget something like that from time to time.

He could be asleep.

I need to get in there.

I can't see the silver of a key under the door frame but with a quickening heart rate I run a paw along the underside of the door. I may have missed something, I didn't exactly have great viewing conditions down there.

I feel nothing hard or metallic, but...

I check again.

There's a bump, a definite rise in texture.

I get my head back down and look at it.

The crafty fox. There's a strip of black tape covering the small bump. With some deft maneuvering of my fingers I tear it off.

Sure enough, stuck to the underside of the tape is his spare key.

Thank fuck. I let out a sigh of relief, give myself a moment to compose myself and unlock Adrian's flat.

I walk inside.

"Adrian?"

No response.

Maybe I'm going crazy. He's probably not even here and I've just rushed out from work in the middle of the day and walked into his apartment without his permission.

The lights are on, though.

I head into the living room.

Nobody's there. The TV is off.

There are no dirty dishes in the kitchen either.

The likelihood is he's either asleep or out.

I walk to his bedroom door. It's shut tight.

If he's asleep then bursting in is going to be hard to explain.

I came all the way here to find out what happened though, so I have to do it, if only for peace of mind.

Am I going crazy?

Calm down Kale.

I open his bedroom door slowly and quietly in attempt to avoid waking him.

Halfway through the motion I see the inside of his room and I stutter, door handle locked in my grip and unmoving. Then I push it away from me forcefully, as though it were ridden with disease.

I take a single step inside the room.

Oh god.

There's blood. A lot of blood.

He's there, lying in the middle of it.

He's lying face up and dormant in the bed wearing only his pants, he has a torrent of cuts scattered haphazardly across the undersides of his arms, he's oozing more blood with every passing moment.

His eyes are closed.

I don't think he's moving.

There's so much blood.

It's all over his chest and his face, the bedclothes are drenched. His arms and hands are completely red. There are splotches across the carpet too and a trail from his ensuite bathroom to where he lays now.

He's unresponsive.

Adrian.

Is this really happening?

My fox.

Why?

My best friend.

Oh god.

I think...

I think he's dead.

I'm hyperventilating.

Oh god. I think he's dead.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Adrian.

My fox, Adrian.

"Oh fuck!"

Adrian?

No.

No

Tell me this isn't real

I'm lightheaded, nothing makes sense

tell me this isn't happening

oh fuck oh god what the fuck is happening

I need this to

this cant be real "Adrian!"

He's been

He's been bleeding out

All this time

While I was fucking around in the hallway

Checking every room in the apartment

Hesitating at the door

Adrian was in here bleeding

Dying

Alone

I can't

It's

I just

I

Adrian

theres so much blood

there's

there is

there

is

SO

much

blood

adrian

hes not moving

this isnt happening

ths snt hppnng

fck

h gd

h fck

fck fck fck

brth n

clm dwn

brth t

nd t rbt m mnd

I

I need to reboot my mind

fuck

breathe

Fuck!

"Adrian!"

My voice is tearing. It's torn completely.

I'm no longer frozen. My shirt's off, I'm wrapping it around his left arm as a makeshift bandage.

I secure it tightly. My paws are bloody.

I'm looking around for something to use on his right.

Come on. Come on Kale you stupid fucking wolf.

Find something dammit.

From the corner of my vision

From the

is that

is that real?

He moved.

Oh my god.

Is it a trick of the mind, or?

Or is it...

Is that

Is that real?

I see his chest rise

then fall.

Fuck

His chest rises and falls.

He's breathing

thank fuck

he's breathing

he's not dead

he's breathing

that means he's not dead

he's breathing

That means he's not dead.

I can't let him die.

I cannot

I can not

I can not let him die.

One of his work shirts is on the floor

I'm wrapping it around his other arm

I think he's talking to me

Oh my god.

He's alive.

Oh my god.

Thank fuck.

He's alive.

I'm not listening to him. There's no time. No space in my mind.

Blood is soaking through the makeshift bandages. I make sure they're tied tight, but I don't know what else to do.

He's saying something. It registers at the edge of my consciousness.

"I'm sorry."

I'm sorry?

Are you

Are you fucking kidding me?

I see a metallic glint at the edge of my vision, slick with red.

There on the bed, where his right paw was resting before I had bandaged the arm, is a small razor blade.

I'm crying.

Then I'm yelling.

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I NEED TO GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL."

How am I going to get him there? I can't carry him. Can he move? He's still talking to me. I need to call an ambulance.

I don't have my phone. Oh god.

Adrian doesn't have a home phone.

I need his mobile.

I check his pockets and, thank fuck, it's there.

I pull it out, bloodying it in the process, anddial nine one one.

Time becomes a nonsensical blur. I tell them what happened, where we are, they send an ambulance and tell me what to do next.

I act as though Adrian is unconscious. Anything else would ruin me. I don't want to hear what he's saying. I don't want him to waste energy. I want him to live.

There's so much blood.

The idiot. What the hell did he do this for?

What the fuck happened Adrian?

I can't.

I can't think about it.

Focus.

My world spins at a dangerous velocity and keeps on spinning, leaving me disoriented and dizzy all the way until Adrian is in a hospital bed on an IV drip.

Words race past and crash into me but they don't mean anything tangible. I store phrases that seem important for later processing: blood loss, shock, self harm, lucky, on a drip, local anesthetic, closing the wounds, stitches, medical glue, evaluation.

Right now they're all just meaningless sound.

The only words I really register are the ones I cling to: the fox will be fine.

Slowly reality begins to recover. The doctor reiterates that Adrian will recover, that he'll be a little woozy for a while, but that he'll be okay. He says it was a good job I got there when I did, if the blood flow wasn't blocked by my bandages he could have died.

He could have died.

Adrian.

Adrian could have died.

The doctor says, as it is, Adrian may be able to leave in a matter of hours.

He gives me some time to collect myself. But as soon as he's gone he's back.

He asks about Adrian's family. I say he has none. He asks my relation to him. Closest friend.

They want to give him a psychological evaluation to see if he is likely to do something like this again. I'm asked about his history with self harm.

My head is still buzzing. This isn't like Adrian. He hasn't harmed himself for years, not that I know of anyway, and it's never been as bad as this. Never.

I tell the doctor I think that this was a one-off. He asks if I know what triggered it. I start and stop. I find myself speechless.

I say I don't know.

I have ideas, beginning of hypotheses, but I don't have a clear picture.

I'm excused and truthfully I'm left wondering what the hell happened this weekend to drive him to this. This was...

Fuck.

This was something else.

His parents came over. They must have fucked with his head. On top of that I ignored him when he tried to contact me, oh and I rejected him romantically. Was all of that balling up inside of him? Is that all it was? Adrian has been so strong for so long, none of this make senses to me. Why relapse? Why now?

Not that I could understand. I don't know the first thing about true depression or real self-hatred. I've never felt so hopeless that I wanted to hurt myself.

Stupid, ignorant wolf.

I helped cause this didn't I?

This is my fault, at the very least in part. I could have stopped this. I could have been there for him.

I'm so angry at myself, and at Adrian, and at his venomous, worthless parents and whatever or whoever else helped him end up this way.

I swear to myself I will never let him down again.

I will never let this happen again.

I'm sick to my stomach.

I throw up in the toilets. And punch the sink, leaving my paw in aching pain. It's all I deserve.

THAT STUPID FUCKING FOX.

THIS STUPID FUCKING WOLF.

I'm crying.

I force myself to stop.

Time and space are wonky. Things don't work quite right.

The doctor tells me I can go and see him alone now.

Then I'm in the room, staring at my fox as he lays on the hospital bed.

"You're still topless Kalie," is the first thing he says. It's so Adrian. It's too much. I'm crying all over again. "Come on hon, I didn't think that was too mean."

"Adrian."

It's all I can say. It's all that matters.

His facade crumbles at the instability of my voice. He's crying too.

I wish I could run over there and hug him, but he's weak right now.I need to give him time.

There's too much to say and not the time to say it in so neither of us say anything.

We just cry and cry and cry together, occasionally saying each other's name or the word 'sorry' over and over again.

Eventually a doctor returns and I leave.

The hours last ages, but I persist through them one by one. I stare at the ceiling or the floor or the walls and all I can think about is Adrian lying amid all that blood.

I thought he was dead.

The memory sends me into a momentary fit of panic.

If Adrian had died I would... I would...

Oh my god. What the fuck would I do?

What the fuck would I do without him?

I'm either crying or I'm not crying. All I know is that I flitter between the two states at irregular intervals.

At some point somebody tells me Adrian's condition has been improving at a good pace

They give me the run down. They say his wounds have been sealed and his right arm will be usable very soon, but the left was more badly damaged and will need additional time to return to complete functionality. They say he needs to take it easy for a little while, but they don't expect any complications.

They say he should be able to leave today after a psychiatric assessment. They want to see if he is likely to put himself in danger again. I nod tersely and stay quiet. I'm scared as to what their judgment might be, but there's nothing I can do to help him.

As I continue to wait the world gains some solidity. The context of my life comes back into focus. Dom is going to be pissed, but I don't care. Marty and Ryan, fuck it, right now they don't matter, they can wait. Eve... Eve needs to know.

As I search for a payphone, my craving kicks in. I badly need to smoke.

What a stupid idea. Today of all days.

The idea of doing something that actively harms me is entirely repulsive right now.

I don't know if I have the willpower or determination to actually quit, but for the moment I want nothing to do with cigarettes. I'll deal with the urge.

Finding a payphone on the premises, I insert some cash and call the ferret, she answers quickly.

"Eve."

My voice triggers a quickfire reaction.

"Kale? What happened? That call earlier it-"

"Eve. I, god, it... fuck."

"Is this about Adrian. Kale, what happened?"

"He's alive. He's alive. He'll be okay. I'll be taking him home from the hospital soon."

"The hospital? Oh god, what happened?"

And then I can see it again. The blood, wet and glistening, soaking into his fur. So much blood. I'm crying down the phone.

I'm surprised the tears haven't run out yet.

"Hypovolemic shock." I say automatically. I don't even know where the words came from but I know they're right. "He lost a lot of blood."

"How?" The question is meek, she's dreading and expecting the answer.

"He hurt himself Eve," I can barely push out the words. I can barely breathe. It's too awful to think about.

There was so much blood.

Oh god.

I thought he was dead.

"Fucking hell, what the-? I had no idea." She sounds shell-shocked, as though she literally can't believe her ears. "How bad is it?" I keep crying. I can't talk about it. I can't talk about what I saw. "Kale? Oh fuck."

Breathe, Kale. Breathe.

I gather myself.

"He's okay. It looked worse than it is. He's had an IV drip and had his wounds seen to. He lost a lot of blood and cut up his left arm pretty bad, but he's going to be fine." I speak in a stream of consciousness, not allowing myself to think about the words or their deeper context. Still, my head is banging.

I remind myself that he will be fine and that calms me a little.

I remind myself that if I didn't find him when I did he could have bled to death.

I feel even worse than before.

"That must have been terrifying, when you found him," she says. There's a fragility to her words. "Adrian doing something like that, I had no idea."

"He- A long time ago there were incidents, but nothing like this." I admit, on autopilot. I don't know if Adrian is okay with me offering that information, but I can't help it, I need to vent. "When I saw him. The blood. I couldn't tell if he was breathing. I thought he was... Oh god, it was awful Eve. It was the worst thing I've ever seen."

Silence lingers between us. It seems like she's finding this reality every bit as difficult to stomach as I am.

"He tried to call me yesterday, and again this morning."

"He called me yesterday too but I ignored him and told him to stop. I was distracted, on my date thing with Marty. Fuck! I'm such an idiot." My free fist is clenched so tight that I'm starting to lose all feeling in that paw. Why did I ignore him? I force myself to breathe in and out. In and out. "So that's part one of my fuck up. Anyway, what did you two talk about?"

"I didn't answer Kale."

"What?"

"I ignored his calls too."

"Why?"

Her voice cracks as she says: "I guess I fucked up too, huh?"

Eve. Eve fucking up. The very concept doesn't make sense to me.

I repeat my question, this time in a whisper.

"Why?"

She repeats her non-answer.

"I fucked up Kale." I think she's crying.

I decide not to press on, there's too much to think about already.

"We all did," I say finally.

More silence, but there's no chance of either of us hanging up.

There's a brittle determination about her tone when she speaks again.

"Can I come down there to see him? I could pick both of you up and drive you back to his, or yours, or mine, or wherever."

I don't and can't hold any hostility towards Eve, her only mistake was one of the same ones I made. There's no point being angry.

"Of course, I'm sure he'd want to see you."

"I hope so, thank you. Should I head down now, or?"

"Sure, you might be waiting for a while though, I'm not certain how long he'll be. He has some kind of psych evaluation before he can go home."

"Jeez, what exactly does that involve?"

"Honestly, I don't know. They said they want to determine if he's likely to harm himself again. My guess is they ask him how he feels, discuss his history and then recommend him a therapist or something like that. I don't know if they can force anything on him though."

"Do you think it might help him?"

"What?

"Therapy."

"Hell Eve, I have no idea. It's outside of my understanding. I've never wanted to hurt myself like that. Maybe people like us can never really understand."

A choked sound akin to a sob passes through the phone speaker.

"I need to see him," she says, her voice thoroughly broken.

Her instability causes my resolve to strengthen.

"Eve, I think it would be good if you came down now."

She agrees.

Then the call is over. With time still not quite obeying the laws of reason or logic she's at the hospital before I notice another minute passing.

Then we're hugging, squeezing each other tight, before we even say a word.

"It's good to see you Eve."

She flashes a smile, and in the presence of one another our moods lift a little.

"You too Kale," she points at my bare chest. "Though I'm seeing more of you than I thought I would. Not that I'm complaining."

Momentarily I forget the darkness with a laugh.

"Yeah, I can't think straight so I keep forgetting to do anything about it."

"I bet they would have offered you a tee by now if they weren't so busy staring at that chest of yours. It's hard to look away from."

"Your new wolfy boyfriend - Jay was it? - can't beat out your old flame then?"

"We haven't made it to the bedroom yet, so I'll update you on that at a later date. Not everyone has sex with a person the first time they meet them, you know?"

"Madness."

Another laugh, another hug. Then a pause in conversation leads us to lapse into introspection and our short-lived positive atmosphere dies out.

"He's still in the meeting," I say. She nods.

"How did your Sunday go anyway?"

She's trying to keep me distracted and keep our spirits up. She's always been good at cheering me up, but today that's pretty much an impossible job.

"Parts were good, parts were bad. Mostly it was just confusing."

"You made a decision on those two yet?"

I shake my head.

"I was going to have a think about it today, but..."

I trail off, my meaning is obvious. She offers a conciliatory half-smile and then we sit down in silence. After a little while I take hold of her paw. She shoots me an uncertain gaze, but accepts the gesture and grips my paw warmly inside her own.

To look at her you'd think she's holding up well, but having known her for so long even I have picked up on her mannerisms by now. She's distressed and unhappy, but she's putting on a strong face for me. This is a more tender and raw side of Eve than I'm used to, but she's still every bit the same wonderful woman I've known for so long. I'm incredibly lucky to have her in my life.

I stare at her for a while without looking away. She notices and stares back nervously. She's kind, compassionate, intelligent, cute and she would do anything to help me. Right now I feel like I don't even deserve to know her.

I'm a fuck up.

My inaction almost killed Adrian. Maybe Eve had a small part to play, sure, but I am closer to Adrian than anyone. He needed me and I was too blind to see it.

Fucking idiot.

He almost died.

I almost let Adrian die.

I almost killed him.

I'm a total fucking idiot.

The world desaturates, gradually losing all vibrancy of color.

I should be the one in the psych evaluation, not Adrian. I put dick over the well-being of the best people in my life. I drain constantly from Eve, asking her to fix my unending problems. I leech what I want from Adrian, the fun and the company, and leave him with nothing when I have 'more important' plans.

I am the problem.

"What are you thinking about, wolf boy?" Eve asks in an even, gentle tone.

I can feel something inside of me coming loose.

I don't know what it is, but it's tearing off.

I'm breaking apart.

"I'm thinking about how you and Adrian are way too fucking good for me."

The comment startles her, her eyes go wide. That isn't how innocent, naive Kale reacts to things. No, he just goes with the flow, asks for advice, leeches, and strolls through everything in one long, blind, careless, ceaseless motion.

I thought I had some degree of control or importance in the story that is my life but I'm nothing more than a bit part. My only purpose seems to be wasting the time and energy of those around me.

It's all becoming clear to me now.

None of my drama matters in the fucking slightest compared to Adrian and Eve's lives.

"Kale, this isn't your fault." She sees inside my skull like it's made of glass.

"Then whose is it? Don't you dare blame Adrian," I'm half growling the words. I catch myself and reign it in. "I'm sorry Eve, fuck, I'm sorry. I'm on edge. You didn't deserve that."

She puts her free paw up in surrender.

"It's okay. And you're right it's not Adrian's fault either, not really. When people hurt themselves it's usually not any one person's fault, it's a product of this whole shitty system we call life."

I nod sharply and turn away. I'm still holding her paw.

"Kale."

"Yeah?"

"You're a wonderful person, okay?"

"No, Eve, I'm not. But you are."

We lock eyes in silence.

A flash of bright orange catches our attention, then a weary, sarcastic grin.

"Hell, it didn't take you long did it? Your main love interest turns out to be a self-harming lunatic so you turn straight?"

It's Adrian, he's dressed in a plain white, hospital provided, tee and the same pants he was wearing earlier, still splotched with blood. His fur, too, is matted in places with dried patches of violent red. His left arm is bandaged while his right is free, but shaven on the underside where stitches have been sewn in to seal the cuts.

Seeing him this way simultaneously brings me great joy and a sense of distress. I push through the unpleasantness unrelentingly, this is about Adrian, not my own discomfort.

"Adrian!" Eve exclaims.

"Eve!"

"How strong are you feeling?" I ask.

"Strong enough for hugs if that's what you mean." Of course it is. "Though I can only offer one arm towards them myself. Just don't be too rough with me."

I let Eve take her turn with the fox first. They embrace warmly, a flood of mixed emotions washing over their faces.

"Oh, Adrian, I'm so glad you're okay."

"It's good to see you Eve," he says, his voice wobbling but not breaking for the moment. "Thank you for coming. I'm so sorry."

Then they're apart and soon enough I've locked him into my own hug. I'm probably squeezing too tight, but I can't help myself. After a few seconds I loosen my grip, the sides of our muzzles brush, and then our noses. He flashes me a glance that's at once hesitant, scared and hopeful.

Then we're kissing. Polite, friendly. Then tongues get involved. The kiss doesn't last too long but it means a lot.

Or maybe it means nothing. Maybe it's only a primal release of built up emotion.

Whatever the case, when we pull apart he looks a little embarrassed and unsure of himself.

I speak up.

"I would say I don't know whether I want to kiss you or hit you, but I already did one, so..."

"Problem solved."

I smile and nod.

It all feels surreal.

We exchange pleasantries and meaningless cliches adrift in an otherworldly plane.

This situation isn't normal at all, we're just pretending.

There's a lingering sense of unspoken tension between us all. There's so much to talk about, but right now feels like neither the place or the time.

"What did they say in your evaluation?" I ask finally.

"They asked me a bunch of questions, they gave me some pamphlets with contact details for a bunch of hotlines and shrinks and shit. That's about it."

There's a nervous silence. Eve asks the question I was thinking.

"Are you going to use any of them."

Adrian shrugs noncommittally, scratching the back of his head with his decent arm and looks anywhere but at us.

"I don't know. I'll see how I feel."

And that's that.

More substanceless chatter.

Then Eve is offering us a lift.

"Thanks, that'd be great. They want to have one last talk with me before I go though." Adrian says, the words coming out absently as though their meaning was only truly tangible in a universe adjacent to our own.

"Is it okay if I come with you?" Eve asks unexpectedly. "I can stay away from your meeting but I was hoping to talk with you a little more, if that's alright."

"Of course it is," Adrian says, looking at Eve as though she had morphed into an entirely different person over the course of the last few seconds.

I may not be as observant as I'd like, but it's clear even to me that Eve wants privacy for her conversation. I don't interfere. I wish them well as they leave me alone to wait one final time.

They take longer than I'd expect and when they do reappear there's something different about their posture that I can't quite put my finger on, but I get the general impression that they are somehow closer, as though they each learned something new and substantial about the other. Whatever they talked about I hope it helps Adrian. Eve is basically a saint so I'm sure it will.

"Hi again," Adrian says. "Oh good, you're still shirtless."

I wave off the comment with a swat of my paw and a brief smirk.

"So where do you want me to take you Adrian? I could drive back to yours, or do you want to come over to mine, or Kale's?" Eve asks

"I don't know. I kind of want to go home, but I would rather not be alone right now."

"I'll come with you if you want," I say. "I'll try not to be a pest."

I worry he might decline the offer. Thankfully he just asks: "are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. I want to be there for you Adrian." I hesitate, I feel nervous and unsteady. "Like I should have been this weekend."

"Okay Kale. Thank you, but don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault."

I don't want to argue, so I say nothing. The conversation peters out as we head to Eve's car.

Eve seems a little distracted as she drives, as though something's on her mind that she's struggling to put into words. She breaks our silence.

"Hey, Kale. Should we drive over to Marty's and pick up your phone before I take you back to Adrian's?"

"Fuck no," I say instantly, surprising myself just as much as the two of them. I offer no further explanation, though I see Adrian throw an intrigued look my way. All I know is that the whole Ryan and Marty thing is not something I want to think about right now. Today there are more pressing concerns.

I did tell the two of them I'd be in touch with my answer to their multiple choice pick-a-boyfriend quiz, but frankly I am not in the right state of mind to make a decision like that. In a way I'm glad I left my phone there seeing as it gives me an excuse to not get in touch. Thinking about those two hurts my head at the best of times. Today is decidedly not the best of times.

"O-kay," she responds slowly, clearly enunciating each syllable. "Well, since you'll be at Adrian's I'll call him if I need either of you."

"Sure, makes sense to me. I'll make sure to get my phone back soon enough too."

She nods, then steals a look at Adrian before turning her sights back to the road.

"What happened to your phone?" Adrian asks. Of course, I never actually explained that to him.

"I somehow left it at Marty's," I say. "It's a long story. I'll tell you all about it later if you want."

He nods and the conversation dies down once again.

Eve still seems preoccupied with something. She begins a word, fails to spit it out, grunts, and then starts again.

"Hey Adrian, I'd love if you could come over to mine tomorrow, I'll give you a lift. We should catch up."

'Catch up' here almost certainly meaning: talk about why you almost killed yourself.

"Yeah. If not tomorrow then the day after, but yes, definitely. That sounds good. Thanks Eve."

Her expression brightens immediately.

"Great. We should really meet up more regularly. I don't see enough of you fox boy."

"So he's earned the 'boy' suffix now too?" I comment. Eve shoots me an unamused glare.

"That would be good Eve. You're right, we should talk more."

And that's that.

The rest of the journey almost passes wordlessly until Adrian breaks the quiet, quite unprompted.

"I'm so sorry," he says. It's crystal clear that the words pain him. His voice vibrates violently, as though it could shatter at any moment. "I'm so sorry." He repeats. There's a single instant of silence and then he lets out a sob full of regret, disgust, agony and shame. "I'm so sorry. I could have died. I'm so sorry."

Then he's in a fit of sobs and tears.

Hearing him like this is threatening to leave me in the same state he's in. Eve isn't doing any better. She slows down the car and parks quickly on an empty patch of curb, unable to carry on driving. She's shaking.

"No, Adrian, you can't blame yourself," Eve says. Her voice quivering every bit as much as Adrian's was. I'm choking up, unable to speak. "This isn't your fault. These things are never so simple. We fucked up too, and... we-"

She can't go on. She's sobbing too now. I try and continue where she left off.

"We should have been there for you." I'm fighting off my own emotions. I think the only reason I'm succeeding is that I've already shed so many tears that my body is getting sick of producing them. "We love you Adrian, whatever string of events led to this, we could have made things better by being there for you. We fucked up."

"We fucked up." Agrees Eve.

We're wordless but not silent. Not silent at all.

The minutes tick by, evening kicks in as the sun sets and darkness looms across the city.

Our sobs and tears stretch out then drift into nothing.

Then, a whisper:

"I'm so sorry," says Adrian.

"Me too," says Eve.

"Me too," I follow on.

We have nothing else to say. Not yet, anyway.

Eve resumes driving and we soon reach Adrian's apartment building . Adrian and I get out of the car, we say our meaningless, boilerplate goodbyes to Eve and then she's gone.

Alone with the fox we head into his apartment without further comment, a whole universe of context, emotion and explanation bubbling like magma beneath the surface of our quiet.

I wonder what's going to happen when it erupts.