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Chapter 138 - Self Doubt

Watching as Serenity tended to his wounded side, Chris remained silent as the Pokemon wiped her eyes during the process, washing the rag under the faucet before continuing tending to the rest of his cuts as well. "If it's not about me going off on you the way I did, what's with you crying?" he asked, showing an uncomfortable look and about to scratch his cheek, only to feel the bandage across the gash he'd received along his face before pulling his hand away. "It's confusing..." he added, the Pokemon finally pausing as she faced down. "That why." she finally answered, causing Chris to blink with an "eh?" as she resumed her task. "I-I not know why." she added. "I not know why I cry, not know why I yell at you. Not know why I get mad, not know why I get sad... I not know..." she repeat, her body beginning to tremble as she bit her lip. "I not know... I not know." she hicked. "Feel things, too many things. Feel love, feel hate. Feel happy, relief. But feel frustrated, feel hurt... Feel scared. I not know what going on." she tried to explain. "You're having a hard time too, huh...?" Chris replied, rubbing the back of his head while thinking about how messed up he'd been feeling emotionally as well and how hard it was explaining it to Ninetales just moments before. "If it was hard for me... I bet it's torture for you." he added before looking down at Serenity and placing his hand on her head, the Pokemon jolting and wiping her eyes while looking up. "What mean?" she asked. "Oh, nothing... It's just hard to explain your feelings sometimes." he point out as she looked at his torso. "...Now front look as bad as back..." she point out. "A few more scars won't hurt." Chris laughed nervously. "It uh, might not be attractive but, hey." he added.

"If you look at the silver lining... At least these injuries didn't put me in the hospital. I lost some blood maybe, side's being a pain, but the blood I've lost tonight was worth it." he nodded, looking down at himself. "The pain from these cuts is nothing compared to the pain that little girl and her grandma would have gone through if they'd been separated, and if such a young child had been taken away to die all alone, out there who knows where in the cold at the hands of some punk..." he point out with a sudden somber look on his face. "Just like when I saved you girls that night we were attacked by the Houndoom at the cliff, I don't regret what I did or the injuries from doing it. I'm... Proud of these cuts, of the blood I've lost. They show that I gave it my all to do what's right, that I gave everything I had to protect another life." he nodded. "And the scars on my back... I actually love them in my own way too. It makes me a little uneasy having people stare at them, but deep down I'm glad they exist. They remind me of how hard I've worked to give you girls a better life, to keep the family I've been given... And the scars I get from these cuts once they heal over? They'll remind me that I do have what it takes to control myself, that I won't turn into something bad when I get riled up. I gave it my all and held back with everything I had, and I still won. These cuts are an accomplishment, not a regret." he nodded, looking at his hand as he balled it into a fist before showing a grin. "So come on, how about a bump for your rough n' tough man?" he asked, Serenity letting out another sniffle before nodding and holding out her fist, tapping it against his. "Atta' girl." Chris chuckled before rubbing her head. "I just... Want you girls to trust in me, to have faith in me. To never forget that I have my own strength and will do whatever it takes for you and anyone in need, whether it's with or without Ninetales backing me up. Either way, I'll always give it my all, a hundred percent!" he assured.

Looking down for a moment, Serenity nodded before looking up at him. "...I hug you?" she asked, causing him to blink with an "eh?" as she blushed slightly. "Can... I hug you?" she repeat as he tilt his head and nodded with an "mm" in response, watching the Pokemon reach out and wrap her arms around his torso, pressing her face into his stomach. "...I yell at you because not want you to die. Not want this to keep happening to body." she revealed in a muffled voice before turning her face and resting her cheek against him. "Even if you feel it good thing to have marks on body, not want you to have pain anymore. Even if have pain because help people..." she point out before pulling her head back and looking at his body. "...Marks you have on body hurt me because they remind me of time I not able to keep safe. Time I not able to protect and fight for. I... Feel like failure." she sulked. "I give word to obey you, word to protect and move world for you, but... I not able to keep word. You keep getting hurt. I not want you to be alone because it make this happen, make me feel like I do bad." she went on. "I not understand lot of things. Way you think, I not understand much, but I know it hurt me when you hurt. Even if you win fight, it tell me how weak I am, how I not try hard enough to protect. I know you want to show you have what take to be alone, but..." she paused, placing her hand on his stained bandages across his chest. "Protect you... I not know anything but that. It all I know to do. It all I live to do. Not wanting me to protect you, it confuse me. That make me mad too... It take reason for living away, that how it feel..." she confessed. "You strong, know you strong. I not think right when mad, but I know... I still want to protect though. I want purpose, it only thing I have." she affirmed.

Looking at her for a moment, Chris faced away silently thinking her words over. "...I want you to live for more than that though. You should live for yourself too. For your own well being. You don't need to slave away and sacrifice for me, that's not why I took you in and you know that. You're going to run yourself ragged worrying about me and staying on guard all the time... I don't mind you wanting to look out for me, but don't run yourself through the mud and work yourself to the bone stressing over so much." he instructed. "That make me mad too!!" she snapped, causing him to jolt before she quickly apologized and glanced away. "You work. Always work. It all you do. Always thinking, always worrying, YOU always protecting. So when tell ME not to, it make..." she paused, facing down while clutching her skirt while collecting herself. "M-Mad..." she muttered nervously. "Not fair for you to be that way all alone. Should let me be that way too, it only fair." she affirmed. "It been my purpose, my life to worry for you. To protect you. I-I sorry I not do good job at it... I sorry it make you mad way I am. I try hard, want to get better. I just not good at controlling hate for humans, but... I try." she point out. "Serenity..." Chris sighed, leaning back and looking up at the ceiling. "I-I sorry." she apologized, facing down in a sulky manner as he faced the struggling Pokemon before glancing away. "...You know, I sure seem to upset you girls a lot lately." he point out, causing her to let out an "eh?" while looking up at him. "Maybe the way I'm handling things really is wrong." he added, looking down at her. "Look at you, eyes all red and puffy, your mind all messed up. Going off on each other the way we did... Me getting frustrated and screaming at Alicia too, twice in a row now. The mountains, then here... Making Rose stand there and listen to me losing my cool on top of it... Watching me blowing up..." he point out.

"I dunno..." he paused, facing away nervously. "Maybe comparing me to them really is what I should do... Deep down, maybe Alicia's in the right after all..." he muttered, causing Serenity's eyes to widen. "What you mean?" she asked. "Those other guys... Maybe I am starting to be like em' in a way." he confessed. "I keep making your heads feel all messed up, keep scaring you and making you cry... I tell myself it's for your own good but maybe all I'm doing is making you girls miserable too after all." he sighed, letting out a quiet "man" and rubbing his head. Hearing this, Serenity flashed back to Rose's words while looking at his butchered body, only for his expression to show guilt from thinking of them. Biting her lip, once again tears started welling up in her eyes, and just as she reached out and shout "no!!" in response, clutching his hands in hers causing him to jolt in surprise, Alicia and Rose fell through the door, simultaneously shouting the same thing at the same time as they fell together with a thud. Freezing up, Chris and Serenity looked at the two as they groaned and raised up, shaking off the shock from their fall before looking at him nervously. "D-Don't do that." Alicia replied. "Y-Yeah! You're nothing like them!!" Rose insisted. "That right!!" Serenity assured with a nod. "G-Granted you've moments when you yell at us, get mad and such..." the snake admit. "But it's only to show how much you really love us, right?" Rose asked. "W-Well yeah..." Chris nodded. "Then that all that matter!! You not just yelling to yell, not just mad to be mad. It because you care!" Serenity affirmed. "It's not like it's entirely undeserved on our part as well..." Alicia confessed. "It's scary when you get mad, but even when you are it's not the same as the humans we were with before." Rose added. "I-It's hard to explain but... When you yell there's a different kind of hurt..." she point out.

"I don't wanna hurt you girls at all though." Chris reminded. "It's like this one said, it's different... It hurts but in a strange, hard to explain way." Alicia nodded. Looking at the girls, he showed a puzzled look and scratched his cheek that hadn't been slashed. "You're losing me here." he replied, causing the girls to groan. "L-Like when you were yelling at me in the mountains!!" Alicia reminded, showing a slight blush on her face. "It hurt but... In a good way." she assured. "So... You're like Rose?" he asked, causing the rabbit to blush with a flustered "hey!!" in response. "CERTAINLY NOT!!!" the snake immediately snapped, causing Rose to jump. "Y-You worried about me, that's why you yelled, right?" she asked. "Y-Yeah." Chris nodded. "That's why it hurt in a good way... Your voice was loud and firm but it all came from your heart and it touched my own. That's what I mean..." Alicia scowled. "We do thing that make you worry. Thing that scare you and it make you mad because you not want bad thing to happen to us. That why it... Not bad... When you yell." Serenity point out. "What happen tonight... You get mad at us for different reason. Get mad because you hurting, because we hurt you, so... It okay you yell at us." she nodded. "The worst thing someone you love can do is doubt in you. It's even worse when that person talks about how they hate something about you on top of it..." Rose reminded, causing Serenity and Alicia to sulk. "That is, to say..." the snake paused, glancing away nervously. "A-Apologies..." she nodded. "Between you and this one here, I suppose we were given something we had coming." Alicia point out, looking at Rose causing Chris to face the rabbit curiously.

"What did you do?" he asked. "O-Oh nothing!!" she waved with a nervous laugh. "Just... Said some stuff that needed said was all." she added with a smile. Looking at them all, Chris faced down with a small smile of his own. "...Still, sorry for losing control." he apologized. "Considering your current state and what we threw over you on top of it, I suppose it's no surprise. Anyone would be riled up." Alicia replied. "Yeah, but I shouldn't let myself get comfortable with fussing at you girls at the same time. I don't want it to wind up a habit. Otherwise you'll just start wondering when I'll yell at you next on top of..." he paused, glancing away. "Everything else you've gotta worry about." he reminded. "What talking about?" Serenity asked. "Me getting attacked, you getting involved, getting caught in the crossfire and stuff. Having to go through what you do on top of me losing my cool with you girls." he explained. "Chris?" Rose asked, noticing him clutching his legs as he faced away. "I think something else that's getting to me is the way I still keep asking myself what it would be like if you didn't have to deal with it all. If you didn't have me around to worry about or compare to someone else. There's a lot that happens and goes on in my mind that bothers me. Your safety and well being mainly... And now that I've done some things, on top of what worried me before, I'm having to watch my back so the law doesn't do anything to you because I slipped up too." he confessed. "I've put you girls in a risky situation. I came here wanting to get away from danger and trouble, to have a good time, and look at how things are already turning out... You've been scared, worried. I've made you sad and confused again... I might have gotten mad at you because I'm mad at myself." he sighed.

"I don't know... I don't even think I know what's going on in my own head either right now. There's so much on my mind, so many things to worry about, so much to remember and watch out for in order to keep you safe..." he confessed. "I'm sorry girls... I promised the best time of your lives but from the get-go I'm letting myself get frustrated and ruining it." he apologized, looking at them as they faced one another. Looking away again, Chris started losing himself in his own conscious again as the girls looked at him together. "Covered in wounds and still focusing on so much else..." Alicia muttered. "He hasn't had much of a chance to focus on himself... He feels so bad about everything going on inside it doesn't seem like he feels what happened to him on the outside." Rose added. "That where we in wrong..." Serenity point out. "Eh?" Chris asked, snapping out of his thoughts and looking at the group. "Wuzzat?" he added, blinking at the girls. "Aren't you in pain?" Alicia asked. "Oh, uh..." he replied, looking down and placing his hand against his side. "I guess... Doesn't matter." he replied, shaking his head causing the girls to show a guilty look. "It do matter, it matter lots." Serenity sulked. "Indeed... You look as though you were sent through what you humans call a butcher shop, how can you "guess" it hurts?" Alicia added. "I dunno... It's whatever. All that matters is that girl is safe and the guy got what was coming to him." Chris affirmed. "It's not whatever!" Rose insisted, causing him to blink in surprise from her tone. "Honestly, care more about yourself." Alicia nodded. Looking at them for a moment, Chris glanced away and apologized before jolting when they gathered up close.

"Wh-What?" he asked as the girls looked at him and his body. After a moment, and after making him feel self conscious from their stares at his figure, the girls finally backed away, looking at one another before Rose point toward the wall, saying something in her raspy Pokemon voice that caused Chris to raise an eyebrow with his head tilt as they gathered where she'd pointed. Saying something else in her raspy voice, the others looked at Chris and nodded before they too started speaking in their Pokemon language among themselves, leaving him sitting with an "eh?" and digging in his ear while trying to understand. "Hey! What's the deal?" he asked, the girls looking at him before continuing to talk. Scowling from the sense of suddenly being ignored and being purposely left out of a conversation, Chris's eye twitched before jolting and nearly falling off the sink when Alicia let out a shocked "SEH?!!" kind of noise, jerking her head back before seemingly snapping at Rose while Serenity looked at the snake with a disgusted sneer on her face, looking away with a "Gah nah" sound and shaking her head. Panicking, Rose waved her hands, trying to get Alicia to settle down while sweating and simultaneously coaxing Serenity to open up to their conversation, the two letting out a bothered groan before listening. "The hell...?" Chris muttered, digging in his ear again, trying to get what was being said only to hear a bunch of noise from the group. Suddenly seeing Rose pointing at Alicia, the rabbits expression appeared stern as she spoke, causing the snake to show a guilty expression and letting out a "sngh..." groan of sorts as if a sensitive spot had been hit before the rabbit did the same to Serenity, pointing and speaking sternly, albeit in a raspy manner making the Pokemon rub her arm and let out a stricken "gah..." of her own.

Suddenly pointing at Chris, he blinked and point at himself as well, letting out an "eh?" while watching Rose keep her focus on the girls, the two looking at him silently and facing down before returning their focus to the rabbit, hearing her out and responding with uneasy noises. However, eventually the two nodded in agreement, looking at one another while Rose smiled with a nod of her own before motioning at them. Facing away from one another, Serenity reached out her hand while Alicia extended a vine, the two pausing mid-way toward reaching one another causing Rose to let out a grunt. Gritting their teeth, both let out a "tch!" before giving each other a begrudging shake, with Serenity taking hold of Alicia's vine while the snake wrapped it around her hand. Nodding once more, Rose giggled before crackling sounds could be heard, Serenity and Alicia tightening their grip on one another while glaring into each others eyes with their teeth grit, trying to out-squeeze the other as Serenity's hand trembled, Alicia's vine doing the same until Rose intervened, waving her finger at the two as they faced away from one another with their noses up. "Uhh... Hey girls?" Chris spoke up, raising his hand as if in a classroom wanting to speak. "Sorry about that." Rose laughed nervously while rubbing the back of her head. "Ah, NOW I can understand you! What was that all about?" he asked. "You'll see." Rose winked as Serenity and Alicia continued to scowl, keeping their faces away from each other before glancing at Chris and blushing slightly. "Starting to hate rabbit too..." Serenity muttered. "Such an innocent thing hides a devil's tongue." Alicia added, scowling at Rose as she walked up between them toward Chris.

"S-Seriously, what was that about?" he asked. "D-Devil's tongue? You?" he added, blinking at the rabbit in surprise as she took the rag Serenity had taken from him and winked. "Well, half the reason you're feeling so lousy is because of what happened between you and them, right? Because of the way they treated you and thought about you?" Rose replied. "Y-Yeah... Kinda?" he nodded. "Well then... Considering you're covered in wounds and had to straighten out their messes on top of that, shouldn't you be given a proper apology and a reward?" the rabbit hinted, turning away and crossing her arms with a smirk as he tilt his head. "I-I'm not following at all... Give me a reward for... Huh?" he asked. "What's she talking ab...!!!" Chris added, facing Serenity and Alicia only to find both inches from his face. "JUST ONE TIME!!" Serenity snapped. "O-One time for what?!" he panicked. "Don't expect this again!!" Alicia added, causing him to look between the two with a repeated "eh?!" of confusion. "H-Hold up!! What am I getting yelled at for?!" he asked nervously as Rose glanced back with a giggle. "You're gonna feel just fine after this!" she assured with a wink. "F-Fine? After what? What's going on?!" Chris continued to panic as Serenity and Alicia continued scowling at him in his face before looking at one another. "I hate you..." Serenity growled. "A shared sentimentality..." the snake replied in the same agitated tone. Twitching their eye at one another, Chris looked at the two and faced Rose with a nervous smile. "P-Please explain why two pissed girls are death-glaring each other in front of my face?" he asked.

Continuing to smile, Rose responded with a teasing "you'll see!" before he turned back to Serenity and Alicia, both girls showing an embarrassed blush of sorts while continuing to scowl. "D-Did I do something I'm not aware of?" he asked nervously, only to freeze up when the girls leaned in even closer before they suddenly gave him a kiss at the same time on each of his cheeks, causing his eyes to widen...