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I feel awful from the moment I wake up until the minute I finish work. The whole day goes by in an unfocused blur of preprogrammed actions and reactions.

I woke up with a hangover and a mind more overwhelmed than perhaps its ever been and, unfortunately, the rest of the day hasn't done much to help soothe those symptoms.

It's not with the usual contentment and comfort that I sit across from Adrian at our regular post-work meeting spot. I know he's going to ask me about last night, but I don't have anything to say. Hell, I'm not a hundred percent sure what happened myself, and that's only partially due to the weed and alcohol.

If this were only a week ago it wouldn't be a problem. He liked hearing about all the stupid shit I got up to or any other trashy gossip I had, but things have changed.

Why does he have to want me?

All this relationship bullshit would already be confusing enough for the simple wolf that I am without the damn fox adding his ass to the mix. What I need is a best friend. What I've got is a headache.

I'm not angry at Adrian for feeling this way about me, and I know it's unfair of me to think this way, but it's frustrating.

He's already sat waiting at our usual after-work meeting spot before I arrive. Both of our drinks are laid out and he's nursing a coffee while staring into space, his now customary muffin already partially eaten. When he notices me his ears rise and he smiles, it should lift my spirits but there's something about his expression that makes me feel a little ill at ease, as though it were an approximation of the fox's smile and not the genuine article. His eyes hold a certain weariness too, leaving me wondering how much sleep he caught last night. Then again, he's probably thinking pretty much the same thing looking at me.

"Afternoon Kalie," he says cheerily as I sit down. His warm tone reassures me a little and I'm reminded of what he said to me the other day: no matter what happens, we'll still be friends.

"Afternoon foxy," I reply slightly awkwardly, my throat not quite used to projecting words with these being some of the first I've spoken all day. "We didn't get to catch up at work at all today."

"It's been busy," he replies simply, looking out onto the hustle of the pavement. "Not much new with me anyway. You on the other paw..."

"Go on then, ask me." I say with a sigh, I knew this was coming, it was inevitable. I suppose I may as well resign myself to it.

"How did your little date with Marty go last night then?" He asks, his blasé delivery undermined by my knowledge of him. He cares about this a lot, and he hopes it was a complete failure. Unfortunately for the both of us it wasn't, and I have no idea how to tell him. Fuck, I don't even know what to tell him.

I have to say something.

"It went... quite different than I expected." I say.

"You've intrigued me." He says as though he were hearing out a movie pitch. "Go on."

I take a gulp of my coffee.

"We went to the bar, got a little drunk. Moved outside, got a little high..."

"And?" Asks the fox as I trail off. His ears are at attention and tilted toward me. No quips, no jokes, he just wants to know what happened.

"I went back to his for a few hours," I say. Adrian has no immediate reply. He finishes off his muffin instead. "I think we're gonna meet up again this weekend."

"Yeah?" He says as though I hadn't said anything that mattered to him in the slightest.

"Yeah," I respond.

He takes another sip of his drink.

"You're not really giving me much to work with here," he says, the words accompanied by forced laughter. I keep drinking my latte. I don't know what to tell him, or what I even could tell him that would make him feel any better. After a while he seems to get bored of the quiet and follows up: "How was he then?"

How was he? What kind of a question is that?

"Come on Adrian, enough." I say.

"Enough of what?"

"Stop acting like this doesn't matter to you. This isn't just juicy gossip after some fling. You've changed the relationship between us, so pretending nothing is different isn't going to help either of us. For fuck's sake, do you think it's going to make you feel any better knowing how good he was in bed?"

He shuts up, and I'm too damn worn out to feel sorry for him. I finish off my drink and in honesty I'm tempted to stand up and leave. But, no. He's still my best friend. I'm in a bad mood and he's not helping, but that doesn't mean I can just ditch him here like that.

It takes a couple minutes, but he eventually speaks again.

"Okay, I admit it. I care a lot about that, and about you." He says, paws briefly raised in surrender. "You can't blame me for being curious though, can you?"

"I guess not," I say without really knowing if I believe it.

"So, he's really into you?" He asks.

"I guess so."

"And you're into him?"

"Maybe."

"What about Ryan?"

"Maybe."

"What about me?"

It's too much. I can't take it.

"Can you just give me a fucking break Adrian?" I ask, a bit too loudly. Some ears turn.

"I," he starts, "I'm not..."

"The answer is yes or you shouldn't say anything." I say more quietly, but with all the same force as before. I can see myself snapping at him and I'm not sure if it's fair or if I'm being unreasonable, but I know there's no stopping it now.

"Kale, can we just talk about this?"

"Don't you get it Adrian? No. I don't want to fucking talk about this."

"Then what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"What do you mean?"

He shakes his head at me, open mouthed, as though I'd just said something shocking.

"Fucking hell Kale, what's gotten into you? Maybe you should lay off the weed." He says, twisting his head to avoid my gaze.

"It's not the weed Adrian, it's you."

His head snaps back to attention.

"Are you fucking serious?" he asks. I don't say anything. "Fuck this. I'll see you tomorrow Kale." He stands up, throws a ten on the table and walks off. "Keep the fucking change."

I rest my head in my paws for a few minutes. After that I light a cigarette and sort out the bill.

*

I head to Evelyn's a little earlier than planned, hoping she won't mind. Really I should call ahead, but I'm not in the right mental state for that right now. Although maybe that's just an excuse because I really don't want her to say no. A supportive friend with an open ear is what I need right now.

Approaching the ferret's front door, I'm once again impressed by her home. We're basically the same age, but she's done very well for herself professionally and managed to secure this thing. Of course, she's paying the house off gradually like anybody else, but even getting to this point so quickly and efficiently all on her own is impressive to me. At the very least, I've never had my shit together well enough to manage it. It's not a huge house or anything, but it's nice, and it's hers. I ring the bell.

When she answers she pulls the door open a crack, stares out at me, then flings it all the way open with a huge grin on her face. Her happiness is intense and infectious in a way that grabs me despite my previously poor mood.

"If it isn't my wolf in shining armor!" She exclaims bewilderingly, ushering me into her home. "I didn't expect you for another hour, I was about to start baking some treats."

"Great to see you Eve," I say staring at her, enchanted by the dark fur that surrounds her eyes like a mask only to give way to pale, whitish fur across the rest of her face. She shoves the door closed behind us and we embrace in a firm hug, her ever-tight grip making me question my masculinity all over again. Once we're apart I take in her appearance properly. She's wearing a plain lilac blouse and casual jeans, both garments seemingly chosen at random and thrown on. But that's Eve and that's part of why I love her, as a friend, this doesn't need to be a love pentagon. "Sorry I came so early, I think I've gone soft since you left for Thailand and now I've been missing your fuzzy self."

"Sweet talk will get you everywhere with me," she says with a dismissive wave of a paw. "Since you're here early, why not come and help me bake? I was going to make some brownies."

"Ooh that sounds perfect," I say, the stress of my week melting away in her presence. "Sweet food will get you everywhere with me."

"Don't I know it?" She asks rhetorically, laughing. "Although these aren't going to be like those weed filled ones you had in college." I shoot her a don't-start look, but it only makes her laugh more.

It's fun and unexpectedly therapeutic preparing the ingredients with Evelyn. All the idle chatter and casual camaraderie as we work reminds me quite how much I have missed her. Adrian may be my best friend, but Evelyn is like a sister to me. She's always been there to support me and cheer me up ever since we met in high school. As silly as it sounds, simply seeing her today is helping to quiet my worries.

Once we've got the brownies cooking she grabs us both a beer and we sit around her dining table. I encourage her tell me all about her trip to Thailand. Thankfully she does so in detail with pictures and videos, several of which I had already seen on social media, but I don't let that stop her. The whole conversation helps me achieve a relaxed and zen-like state, if only for a short while. Inevitably she's ready to turn the conversation to me.

"Anyway, that's enough about my holiday, I've probably talked your ear off. How have things been with you since I left? I bet you've had a wild time. Plus you had the date-thing last night, how did that go?" She leans forward as she speaks, eager as ever to get the lowdown. It strikes me that both of my closest friends love to know about my private life, I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse. "Like you said, I need to live vicariously through the drama in your life, so please feed it to me. I need my sustenance." She licks across her muzzle and laughs. I sigh and shake my head, smiling. Maybe I'm just a magnet for gossip fiends.

"Well," I say. "It's a longer story than you might think," I pause and look Eve in the eyes. In a rare move she stays quiet and simply holds my gaze, silently urging me to go on. "It all started this past Saturday. Me and Adrian went to a club, you know, nothing out of the ordinary."

"Acting like you're both still college boys, yup," she chides. She's only joking but I roll my eyes pointedly.

My heart is thumping, I'm nervous about talking to her, telling her everything that's happened. It's stupid, we're close and I know she'll try and help me, but so much has happened so quickly and I'm not sure if I've been at my best throughout it. I'm not squeamish about talking sex with her, hell she loves it, but I haven't been so perfect recently and I guess I'm scared that she'll judge me. Fuck it though, there's no way around it.

I tell her everything.

The brownies are ready by the time I'm letting her know about last night's date and Marty and I sharing a second kiss while drunk and high. Throughout the whole thing she's been pretty quiet, making lighthearted remarks from time to time but staying surprisingly passive on the whole. I suppose she can sense the tension this whole situation is causing for me. It's only when the timer for the brownies starts going off that she even really speaks up.

"Hold that thought wolf boy, let me go take out the brownies before you finish your story." She says, standing up and zipping out of the room. I do as she says, sitting and stewing in my own thoughts, hoping that she'll have the answers I've been desperately grasping for.

When she returns she sits back down without another word, using a motion of her paw as a signal for me to continue. I do as she commands.

"I don't remember the rest of the night quite as well as I'd like," I continue, brushing a paw over the top of my head and avoiding eye contact. "We had a little more weed and then went back to his and fucked. He was pretty good, I think. A little after that I got a cab and went home. Before I woke up the next day he had text me saying we should meet again soon. I've let him know I'm up for it, and that's about it."

Part of me feels like there's more to say, but I can't put words to the feeling. Retelling my tale isn't doing anything to diminish the exhaustion that has been building up inside of me all day, but it does at least help ease my tension, even if only to a small degree.

"So you were at his? Doesn't he live with Ryan?"

"Ryan was visiting some friends out of town for the night, I don't know. Marty told me about it but I don't remember the details. He was saying they only have showings of their play on Thursday through Sunday, so yesterday was a good time for Ryan." I explain. Evelyn nods and thinks for a moment.

"I would have said it sounds like you had a good time last night, but your tone of voice is telling me otherwise."

"It's not last night," I say vaguely. She nods as though she can see into my mind better than I can.

"I think I get it. You're in an awkward situation with three guys asking after you, you like them all in one way or another and you don't know what to do about it. Is that about the gist of it?"

"You said it better than I could." I say, the exasperation dripping off my words like the splash-back from raindrops hitting water. She smiles a warm smile.

"I go away for two weeks and you have the most drama packed few days of your life. Do you have something against me?" She asks, laughing. "Fuck Kale, you aren't the worst looking wolf out there, but landing three guys in one week? Oh boy."

"Take it from me, having three guys chase after you at once isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"So there's this quirky husky, a suave otter and, well, and Adrian." She lists, counting the contenders off on her paw as though she were putting together a shopping list. "You know what? He never told me he was into you like that." Talk of the fox brings back bad memories of our meeting this afternoon and I cringe. "What's wrong? Not into your bestie? Fuck Kale, that whole situation is a landmine, no wonder you wanted to vent it all out. Don't worry yourself to death about it though, Adrian is a big boy and he can handle things. Plus, I can help you out with letting him down gently if you like."

"No, it's not that," I say instinctively, waving a paw to dismiss the idea. "It's just that I haven't told you about earlier today."

"With Adrian?" She asks. When I don't respond she narrows her eyes. "What happened?"

"We went for coffee after work as usual and he kept asking me about my date-thing with Marty." I pause, deciding how to phrase the next part.

"Ah."

"I wasn't in the right head-space for it I guess, fuck, I don't know. It's just tough Eve, how am I supposed to talk to him and gossip with him about my sex life like I used to now that I know he's serious about me? Yesterday when I mentioned about meeting up with Marty I could tell it hurt him, I don't like seeing him like that so why does he have to fucking ask?" I realize I'm winding myself up all over again, but it's too late to stop my ranting. "He's asking about it like it's just another bit of gossip but things have changed now. Talking about it is just going to make him sad. I feel like he won't really be happy unless I tell him that I want him. What am I supposed to do?"

Eve nods and lets me breathe before responding calmly, surprisingly so in the face of my aggravated demeanor, which I appreciate immensely in spite of my riled up, illogical mind. "I think the only thing you can do is tell him the honest truth, if you don't think things can actually work out between you two then let him know. You were just telling me about how he said that he'll be there for you no matter the outcome of his proposition and I believe him. So the real question is: do you want to be with him?"

"That's the fucking problem," I admit. "I have no idea. I don't know what I want to do about him or about Marty or about Ryan. It's a fucking mess. Every time I talk to any of them I feel like I'm digging myself further and further into this pit." We're both quiet for a while, but she's not speechless, she's thoughtful. "I'm sorry for dropping you into my troubles straight after your holiday."

"Shut up wolf boy, this is what I'm here for." The words are almost harsh, but her tone is as gentle as I've ever heard it. "Listen, the way I see it there's only one option for you. Meet Ryan again, meet Marty again, talk to Adrian and make sure they all know where they stand with you right now. After that you can think about it with a healthy mixture of logic and emotion and decide what you want to do. It's not like you can't stay friends with the other two and it's not like you're bound to your choice forevermore. You're young, you can make mistakes, you can fuck things up and you can still come back from it. It sounds like you're gonna have to hurt some feelings no matter what you do, but that's just life. Calm your butt down, go slow and do your best not to fuck any of them over too hard. Unless it's a sex thing. Anyway, that's all anybody can really expect of you. And about Adrian, I'll get in touch with him and see what I can do without making anything sound like it's coming from you. I'll get his side of the story and try and get him to chill out a little. Does that sound good to you?"

"Sounds good." I say with a sigh of relief. "You're the best Eve."

"Oh, I know I am. I bet you lie in bed at night wishing I had a dick so that you could be with your one true love and remain sexually satisfied." She says with a smirk.

"If you had a dick, honey, I never would have left you," I say reflexively, joining in on the joke.

"I still don't know whether I should be offended or proud that your time with me made you finally come out of the closet." She jokes. It's something we don't talk about much anymore, but Eve was the first person I ever made love to. We had been close friends for years, but when I started to doubt my sexuality I gravitated even closer toward her. I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want to be different.

We got together, both of us mistaking closeness for love. She was the only I girl I could even have imagined sleeping with, so she was the one I did. I mean, I managed to do it, but it was really awkward. I was pretty bad at the whole thing and we ended up going doggy style, not so strange for a wolf, but the mental image I conjured up of me pounding a guy's ass instead of her slit was what the only thing that got me off in the end. After that I couldn't really deny that I was gay.

When I told her thirty minutes later, after the huffing and puffing and the cleaning up, she just nodded and said: "That surprises me less than it probably should."

I felt awful, like I had used her, and at first things were awkward between us. She left shortly after without another word. For the next few days we barely spoke. I started to look inwards and was scared of what I found. I was scared maybe I had just burnt out my closest companion in the world. I was worried I had made her feel worthless or unwanted or unattractive. None of which was true. Thankfully we started talking again after a little while. And when we did we talked about it quite a lot.

She reminded and assured me it was all consensual, we both knew what we were getting ourselves into. Even back then she was always helping me. She's always been there to calm me down and set me on the right path, even when I've been the one to fuck up.

Once we got past apologies we talked about what it meant for each of us. We talked about our sexual discoveries and our friendship. We talked and talked until everything that felt so wrong started to feel right again. We were friends and we were always going to be friends, no awkward girlfriend-boyfriend moment was going to take that away from us. She told me to be myself and embrace who I am. Hell, if it wasn't for her I don't know who I would be now.

After a little while we could even joke about it. All my life I've been misreading myself and she's been there to readjust me. I don't deserve her and just like Adrian I wouldn't trade her for anything. That's why I barely even consider her a friend anymore, she's more than that, she's family. Apart from the bit where we fucked of course.

Something about reliving those memories causes me to say something a little more serious to her this time.

"I know we like to joke about that stuff Eve," I say quietly. "But I can't thank you enough. You helped me realize who I am and you supported me all the way. Without you I might still be in the closet."

She shuts up, reaches across the table and clasps my paws.

"When I say this I'm not saying it in an Adrian or Marty way," she begins. "But I love you, ya big woofer."

"I love you too hon." I admit, enjoying the warmth of her paws around mine.

We share a knowing smile and then she abruptly gets to her feet, thankfully doing so before the tears that were edging toward the corners of my eyes managed to reach their destination.

"I think the brownies should be cool enough to eat now." She says. "I'll go fetch them."

"Sounds great."

*

I'm feeling a lot better by the time I'm home. For the first time in a little while I allow myself to relax. I play some video games, catch up on a bit of TV and just generally chill out. It's not productive, but it doesn't need to be.

The tranquility only lasts so long though.

My phone starts going off, it's a call from Adrian. Of course it is. I'm still angry with him about earlier and seeing his name illuminated on my phone's screen does nothing to set me at ease. I only hope that he's calling to apologize or that he's already had a chat with Evelyn and that she's talked some sense into him. I could just let it ring out, but it's not in my nature to do so, he would know I'm ignoring him. What I need from Adrian is some space, but that's not happening. I answer.

"Hi there." I speak neutrally.

"Hi Kalie," his voice sounds distant. Not as though he's far away from the microphone, but more as if he's absent from his own words. "Did you end up seeing Eve then?"

"Yeah, it was good to see her. How come you're calling?"

"I'm, well..." he stutters and mumbles and finds it hard to continue. It all only adds up to irritate me. My paw tightens its grip on my mobile.

"It's not the same shit from earlier is it?" I ask bluntly.

"No!" He retorts in indignation. "Fucking hell Kale, what is your problem? If anything I thought you might apologize for blowing up at me like that."

"You want _m_e to apologize?" I ask, voice raised all of a sudden. "Pull your head out. You're driving me crazy with all this relationship crap. Just back off and let me think, I can't handle all the bitching and comparing and-"

"If you're trying to make me hate you by talking to me like shit so that you're thick dom-wolf brain will have less ass to choose from, then it's fucking working." Adrian spits, a sudden venom oozing from his words. "I guess having more than two options is too fucking confusing for you."

I grit my teeth and squeeze my paws shut. Why does he have to be like this? From awkward questions to insults, I don't have time for any of it. I lash out.

"I guess that camp-ass posturing you do on a day to day basis to make sure every living thing in a mile-wide radius knows you're fucking_fabulous_ is starting rot your mind away. If you weren't such a whiny faggot twenty four seven maybe I wouldn't have to be shouting at you."

There's a silence. In it, I hear the words I've said for the first time and my ears dip. My tail wraps tightly around my legs. Did I go too far? He knows I'm just saying it because I'm pissed off, right?

Those questions are obliterated in my head, smashed against a wall of glowing anger. I don't need Adrian's shit; he's supposed to be my best friend for fuck's sake. Why is he doing this to me?

"Do you want to repeat that?" Adrian asks, sounding entirely bewildered, as though he can't believe his sensitive vulpine ears.

Disconnected from my thoughts I respond.

"If you weren't such a whiny faggot I wouldn't have to be saying this shit to you."

More silence. I don't use the time to think. I stand perfectly still, mind blank.

"Kale, I called you because I needed your help. I shouldn't have fucking bothered." He hangs up.

I keep the phone pressed against my ear for far too long after.

*

The next day rolls around inexorably. It's Thursday, at least that means the weekend is closing in. I spot Adrian looking dejected at reception as I'm coming in to work. He glances at me, but I ignore him and walk right on through.

During break I text Ryan asking if he's still up for meeting on the weekend and suggest we could go out for dinner before his performance. Then I send Marty a much longer text telling him how great he was the other night and that we should arrange something. I let him know bluntly that I'm interested in him, but I'm interested in Ryan too and that I don't want to lead him on if he's not okay with that. I say maybe we should meet for lunch or something. Eve's advice is still reverberating around my head: I want to get to know them better . I'll make the situation clear to Ryan this weekend too, not that he's even stated a definite interest in a long-term relationship with me as of yet. Plus, considering he lives with Marty he probably knows everything already.

Ugh. The politics and the bullshit. Last time I had a boyfriend it was far simpler than this. Then again I haven't had a steady boyfriend for a little while now.

The otter and the husky respond throughout the day, both positively. Ryan is up for dinner Saturday and suggests a restaurant, asking if I'm paying with a winky face.

Yeah, yeah, you can use all the winky faces you want husky, but I know that I'll be the one picking up the bill at the end of the night.

Marty says he's definitely up for something and he understands my situation. He says he'll let me know when and where is good for him by the end of tomorrow. He says he's missing that tongue of mine.

After work I call Eve, feeling the need for a friendly ear.

"Taking my advice to heart, eh? Good." She says, in high spirits after I've told her about my further contact with Marty and Ryan. "Hey, I called Adrian last night but I couldn't get through. I was gonna text him, but since you see him after work anyway could you get him to give me a call? I want to see that fuzzbutt again soon."

"About that..." I begin. She sighs pre-emptively. "He called me last night a little while after I got home and we ended up arguing again."

"How bad?"

"Pretty bad." I say. She sighs again. At this point I've started walking home. "Hey, at least that's one less piece of ass to worry about." I continue, but the overly dry delivery of my attempted humor betrays my bitter outlook on the matter. It brings me no shred of happiness to feel this way about Adrian.

"Kale..." Eve starts, searching for the words. "Alright, I'll text him now. But you two better make up, I wouldn't be able to bear seeing you two fall out for good. You're both so close, and I know you care about each other deeply."

"Hell," I say, exhaling. "Of course I care about him, but he's been driving me crazy lately."

"I get it. You need him to realize you don't see him the same way he sees you. That's a tough one." Eve remarks softly. "Remember wolf boy, I'm here for both of you. We'll make this work."

"You're the best Eve."

"I know Kale." She says, instantly sounding chirpy again as she's so expert at doing. "You're skipping your meeting with him today then I assume?"

"That's right."

"Does he know?"

"I doubt he's expecting me."

"That bad? You really like giving me tough jobs don't you?"

"That's what I'm good at," I confirm.

"You're not wrong. Anyway, I'll get in touch with fox now and see if I can't meet him tonight. Make sure you cool off and talk to him again tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," I say. "Tomorrow."

We leave it there and I'm home only a few minutes later. I make myself an instant coffee and waste the evening watching mindless videos online.

The whole time I'm not really sure what to feel. I'm happy that I've got a plan and excited, plus maybe a little nervous, to meet up with Ryan and Marty again on the weekend, but at the same time I'm angry with Adrian and uncomfortable that things have changed between us. Why does he have to love me? It makes everything so much more complicated.

I almost end up calling him again with no plan whatsoever of what to say. Almost.

Instead I fall asleep uneasy.