Through a Child's Eyes
#10 of The World Over
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And so, I've finally woken up and written chapter 10 of The World Over series. I know it's been a long time. Too long in fac. And I appologize sincerely for my absence over the past 5 1/2 months, so please don't hold it against me. I just lost interest in writing everything for a while. Especially during exams. Being an English and Writing major means a lot of writing in the first place. I guess I just burned myself out.
Anyway, since this is my first chapter since January I'd like to announce that the mailing list is still functional. The people who sighed up are still on the list. All you have to do to recieve updates as to when I've posted is send me an email requesting to be added. I'm usually pretty good about it, but tell me if I somehow missed you.
I'll try to get working on the next chapter, but I make no guarantees about speediness, since the idea of making the story as long as I planned seems so daunting a task.
Also, despite the title, there is not going to be any sex of an underage nature. In keeping with my kind of style, sex seems to come secondary, and my writing is kind of spur of the moment anyway, so if it doesn't fit the moment it doesn't get written. But enough about me, I'll shut up now and let you read Chapter Ten of "The World Over" : Through a Child's Eyes.
Thanks for reading all.
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Through a Child's Eyes
It had been five minutes. Their things packed, their supplies strapped in, and their balance gained, yet all they wanted to do was lie down again.
Sara had helped Varian to their cabin, a private cabin, much like the Captain's. It was spacious, yet cozy, inviting, yet distant, a place to sleep, but not a home. But there was a bed. And that's all they needed.
It wasn't like the first time. Varian didn't need to search her mind for the answers to his questions, because she answered them all without being asked.
"Thank you Varian," she panted, excited. She kissed him, frantically at first, but then slowed down, and meshed their tongues together tenderly. Her hands slowed and caressed him. She became exactly what he had always wanted to see in her. Full of kindness, compassion and gentleness.
A moment passed, and they broke their kiss, but before Sara could do anything else Varian leaned in close to her ear and whispered: "I love you, Sara."
She pulled away, staring at him in complete surprise. She had never had that said to her before, let alone have anyone mean it. She could feel herself blush, and avert her eyes momentarily, but then she turned to him again and kissed him, neither forcefully nor tenderly, but in a way completely different.
She moved forward slowly, their lips locked, and did not open. Her eyes remained open, but his closed, and their arms began to lower, slowly, down each other's backs. Their nails scraped against each other's skin, through their clothes, and left tiny indents to their tails. Varian grasped the base of Sara's tail and rolled it through his fingers, knowing that she loved the feeling of pressure. She however brought her arms between their bodies so that her palms cupped his chest. She pressed against him. Her eyes tightened shut, and tears began streamed out.
They broke their kiss and Varian asked, confused, "What's wrong?"
"Did you really mean that?" she asked.
"What? Of course. I love you Sara. Isn't this how you show it?" he asked quizzically.
She got up. They had never undressed, and she walked slowly to the door, opened it, left, and closed it behind her, leaving Varian alone and confused.
Once outside she took a deep gasping breath and pressed her back against the cabin wall, sobbing to herself. No one had said they loved her other than her parents. But did he mean it? Did she? Did she really love him or was she looking for another man? She cried, letting everything out. She wanted so desperately to love Varian that she couldn't bear sleeping with him if she wasn't completely sure.
The door creaked open, and with her keen reflexes she skipped out of sight before Varian even made it outside to find her. He stared at the sunset as the red disappeared and purple began to paint the sky. He watched, and not a tear came as he thought about Sara. She would have loved this sunset.
He could barely see it.
Sara found herself a small corner inside another section of the airship and hugged her legs close to her chest, crying silently. She was ashamed. Ashamed of trying to sleep with Varian even with her mixed emotions, ashamed of almost making a repeat of their first time together, which flashed through her mind for a moment and made her shudder, and she was ashamed of leaving the room without an explanation.
Who was she kidding? Varian was probably reading all of this with his telepathy anyway.
No. She couldn't think that. He said he loved her. He wouldn't read her mind like that. Would he?
She was so confused about this that she simply buried her face in her legs and sobbed, if for no other reason than to vent her pent up tears.
The door was held open a crack by a small foot, which just barely came in through the frame. It belonged to a small boy, who peeked in at the crying panthress. He opened the door slowly, and as silently as he could shut it back to the way it was when he was inside. He then walked up cautiously and kneeled down in front of her.
"What's wrong lady?" he asked.
It was too dark to make out anything distinctive about him, but when Sara lifted her head she knew the figure before her was a small child. She sniffled and wiped away a tear. She hadn't heard the question, only realized that the boy was there at all.
"Are you okay?" the boy asked.
"Yes. Don't worry," she responded quietly.
"You don't look okay," he said.
"I suppose not." Perhaps it was because she had been around Varian so long, but she noticed it now. She was speaking properly. Her slang had almost been erased from her vocabulary. She wasn't sure if she should be happy or sad about this, considering her previous thoughts about Varian.
"Papa always says that you should spend time in the sun when you're not feeling good."
She had to at least make an attempt at chuckling.
"You're father is a smart person."
"But I like a big hug when I'm sad. That way you squeeze all the sad parts out. Happy things just stick like glue inside you. But sad things are slippery, so they come out easier." Sara liked this kid already. She wiped another tear from her eye and looked at him. In the faint light from the doorway she could make out only the distinct features of his shoulders and face. Her best guess would be that he was a lion cub, and the two round mounds on his head her his ears. "Do you need a hug?" he asked.
She really did chuckle this time. "Maybe."
Without any other questions the boy pounced on her and wrapped his arms around her neck. He hugged as tight as his small arms could and then backed off so that he was kneeling in front of her again.
"Are you better now?"
She just looked at him, feeling the warmth of where his arms had been vanish from her neck and leaving it cold again. "I think so," she replied.
"Okay. Now lets try my papa's way." He got up and grabbed her hand, pulling her towards the door. He was putting such an effort into his struggle that she eventually complied, getting up off the floor and walking along with him tugging at her hand all the way. He opened the door and she was able to see the very last glimpse of the sun on the horizon fade away. The sky was now a deep purple, and the stars would already be seen on the opposite side of the sky.
The boy looked a little depressed. "Maybe we should have gone outside first. That way you could have been in the sun just a little bit."
Before he could say anything else she bent over and gave the boy a big hug. "Thank you. I feel much better anyway."
When she released him from her grasp he was smiling. "You're not sad anymore?"
"No." She smiled at him warmly, thinking to herself how cute this boy was.
He looked very young, and he was definitely a lion. His mane was only just starting to grow, with tiny brown hairs lining the back of his neck over his golden fur. His two rounded ears on top of his head seemed almost too large in comparison with his body, but she suspected she was biased because she had never actually seen a lion without its mane before. He came up only to just above her waist, and his arms and legs were short and thin. He was wearing a shirt much too large for him and matching pants that seemed in the same way too small.
She now grew curious about this boy and asked, "What's your name, little boy?"
"I'm Tinmel, and I'm not little. I'm a grown-up lion." He said this with dignity, and Sara just smiled.
"Of course you are. And how old are you Tinmel?"
"Six. My friends are all older than me though, so they like to tease me about my age."
"Well, I remember when I was six. I gave anyone who teased me a knuckle sandwich."
Tinmel giggled at the term. "I tried once, but papa got angry and said he wouldn't teach me how to fly this airship if I was a bad boy again."
"Your father is the captain?" she asked, surprised.
"Yep. He's in the cabin right now. Come on, I'll show him to you."
He grabbed her hand again and pulled her to the rear of the ship, where there was a flight of stairs leading up to a ledge. On the ledge was the door to the cabin. Up above was the helm, but that was taken by one of the crew. Tinmel lead Sara up the stairs and opened the door unafraid of interrupting anything.
The door opened noiselessly and inside sat a male lion at a desk stacked with papers. He looked busy, but turned his attention away when he saw Tinmel appear in the doorway.
"Papa!" the boy yelled, running up to him and jumping right into his father's lap.
"Tinmel. I'm busy right now. Is something the matter."
"Nuh-uh. I just wanted to show you my new friend. She's nice."
"Really?" The captain looked over at Sara, who suddenly became very self-conscious and bowed awkwardly.
"I uh... an honour, sir. I'm Sara."
"Right, yes. I know you. Where's your friend? You two seemed to want nothing more than to sleep a while ago."
"Well, uh... I just... needed some fresh air, that's all."
The captain looked down at Tinmel and asked, "Tinmel, could you wait outside a moment?"
"Okay. Will you teach me how to fly this ship when I get back?"
"Have you studied the manual I gave you?"
"I tried papa, but I can't read the big words."
"Well, go get it and we'll read it together, how does that sound?"
"Okay!" and the boy was out the door faster than a bolt of lightning.
"Fresh air you say?" said the captain.
Sara felt like she had said something wrong, and only replied sheepishly, "Yeah."
"Young lady, I was married for 15 years. Do you know how often I wanted some 'fresh air'? What's troubling you?"
"I'm not on trial here," she said indignantly.
"No, you're not. But if my Tinmel called you his friend it means he found you crying. Is that right?"
"How would you know that?" she asked softly, blushing because he was completely correct.
"He always befriends people when they're unhappy. And your eyes are red. It was easy to tell." She was silent. "You don't have to tell me anything, but trust me, there are some times when everything in a relationship seems to crumble into dust and other times when everything seems to be made of stone. It just works like that. The best medicine:" and he got up and placed a hand on her shoulder before he said this, "Is to talk to him again. If you're even remotely like every other woman, you've left the boy in the dark about whatever it is you're feeling. He's probably too confused to do anything right now."
She could feel tears well up in her eyes again, and wanted to be anywhere but here right now. She turned and ran out of the room, nearly bumping Tinmel off the stairs before she stopped.
"Tinmel. Do you want to play a game together? I know a fun one you might like."
"Really? Okay. Papa, I'm going to go play. Is that okay?"
The captain waved a 'yes' and Tinmel joined Sara at the base of the steps.
"Do you know hide and seek?" she asked.
"Do I? Of course! Do you want to play? It works better with more people though."
"I know, but we're the only two that aren't busy right now. So what do you say?"
"All right!" yelled Tinmel excitedly. "I want to hide first!"
Sara nodded and Tinmel took off like a shot. She began counting and when she finished she made sure to yell it loud enough to distract the helmsman up above, who turned around wildly to see what the commotion was. Sara waved that it was all right, and the helmsman waved back in a confused sort of way before Sara turned her attention back to finding Tinmel. She crept around the deck slowly, peeking into cracks and around corners, behind doors and up ladders. She saw no sign of him. There was however a door that led to the lower deck, the storage area, that was slightly ajar, and creaking slightly with the wind rushing past.
"He must be down there," she said to herself.
She approached the door and pushed it open little by little until there was a large enough crack for her to slip through. She tiptoed into the darkness, which was split in the middle of the room below by a single waving lantern. A steep staircase led to the bottom, and when she had reached the floor she called out quietly, to Tinmel.
"Tinmel... I know you're in here. Come out come out wherever you are..." She moved around a large box and heard childlike chuckles from against the wall. She slunk silently towards the area where the chuckles came from and then sidled the large box in front of her. She peeked ever so slightly over the corner and saw Tinmel peeking the other way to watch for her. He was looking around and listening with his big ears for any sound in the room. His tail was swaying side to side in excitement and his breathing was a little quick.
Sara crept a tiny bit closer, and just before Tinmel was about to pull back into his hiding spot Sara leapt out and pounced on him, yelling "Boo!" and wrapping her arms around his neck in a hug.
The boy screamed and jumped away, escaping her arms and turned around, his fur on end in fright and his tail sticking straight up in the air. Sara laughed and rolled over on her back from where she was so that she was looking at him upside down and her hair was draped in long strands across the floor. It seemed to glitter in the dim candlelight and a single strand fell across her cheek. Her big eyes stared at Tinmel in his surprise with a warmth and laughter.
"No fair, surprising me like that. I almost died!" he said, throwing his arms into the air enthusiastically.
Sara laughed, "But you should have seen the look on your face! Your eyes must have been as big as plates! And you jumped so high!" She laughed again.
Tinmel ran at her, pouncing on her belly and began tickling her ferociously. Sara broke out in tears she was laughing and kicking so hard. She didn't know how he did it, but he had found her one most ticklish place. Right under her ribs, against her sides. She grabbed him and pulled him away, allowing herself just a moment of relief before she let him fall on top of her and she began tickling him back. Tinmel laughed hard and screamed when Sara caught him under his arms. He pressed his arms to his sides tightly, trying to squeeze her fingers out from under and stop the tickling, but to no avail.
"Okay! Okay, you win! No more tickling!" he yelled, laughing.
Sara stopped tickling him then, and let him collapse, sitting against the wall. She joined him, and proper herself up. She stretched out; her arms rose above her head and she yawned.
"Miss Sara?" said Tinmel.
"You can call me Sara Tinmel. What is it?"
"What's a lover?" he asked.
Stunned for a moment from the question, Sara took a moment to collect herself before answering. "A lover? Where did that question come from?"
"Papa said that you and your friend were lovers when you came on board. What does that mean?"
"Well, uh... lovers is what you are when both you and someone else lov..." could she really say it so frankly? She thought a moment about what the Captain had said to her, and what she did to Varian, and why she was here now. Why was she here? Was she running away?
"Sara?" asked Tinmel.
A tear began to stream from her eye, and she dropped her head. "A lover is what two people are when they're in love." She paused a moment. "Your father thought Varian and I...?"
"Yeah, he said that he could tell instantly by the way you looked at each other. Is something wrong with being a lover? You're crying."
"No, nothing's wrong, but... but..." she couldn't finish.
"I know why your friend loves you then. 'Cause you're pretty."
Sara began to cry now, tugging her knees to her chest and crying full heartedly into her off tan pants.
"Don't cry Sara," said Tinmel, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug. "Or I'll have to hug all the slippery bad feelings out again."
She sniffled and felt enormously comforted by Tinmel's innocence. It was something she had needed to see for a long time. Ever since travelling with Miria, then coming across the sand urchin she had only been in the company of those who were gluttonously enjoying sex. She thought for a moment and compared Tinmel and Varian. They were obviously different and yet she felt some sort of similarity between them. Tinmel was totally innocent about things likes sex; had no conception of it, and Varian too was still so new at it, as though the thought of actually being with a woman like that were foreign to him. In a way she supposed that were true. His only experience had been a forceful, non-consensual encounter. Here on the ship, as soon as they were alone even, he was clumsy, she could tell he didn't actually know anything about what he was doing. She couldn't bring herself to hold it against him. Then she thought deeper about it. About how he had acted in Vivel, the city in the mountains, how hard he had worked to please her and thought that to him, even though she had only conceived the proof of love as sex, he must think of something very different. Maybe, just maybe, he knew far more than she could ever understand. Maybe he thought of love as the emotion instead of the act. That comforted her in a way that lifted an enormous weight off her shoulders. She felt relieved that he didn't only think about her naked. She was glad that he wasn't like other men in that he seemed to simply enjoy the fact that she was with him more than the physical aspect.
"Sara?" came Tinmel's voice.
Her trail of thought was broken instantly and she looked up from her legs at him. He was now standing in front of her, his arms down by his sides. She had stopped crying, and a weak smile had formed on her face without realizing it.
"Y-yes?" she asked hoarsely.
"I think you're all better. You're not crying anymore."
Sara smiled. It was an earnest smile.
"No, Tinmel. I'm not. Thank you." She paused a while and then gathered the strength to stand up. When she stood she rubbed her hand over Tinmel's head, ruffling the hair and said to him: "I'm a bit tired. Why don't you go back to your father and have him read that book to you?"
Tinmel's eyes lit up. He had totally forgotten about the piloting lesson. "Yeah! Okay. We'll play again tomorrow right?"
"Of course. Tomorrow."
"Okay!" he said as he turned and bolted up the ladder to the open deck above. She followed slowly, watching him go, and rehearsing what she would say to Varian in her head.
When she got out into the open the sun was gone and the stars could be seen through breaks in the scattered clouds. The moon shone brightly and illuminated the deck in an eerie incandescent glow. A lantern pouring orange light hung from an overhang above the door to the cabin and swung back and forth in the wind.
Sara found Varian quickly. He was at the front of the ship, looking out at the black sky and the moon. Sara approached quietly. Even though she knew he could sense her presence.
He said nothing, but stared sombrely into the sky.
"Can you see them? The stars I mean?" she asked quietly, just barely audible over the creaking of the airship.
"No. The moon only looks like a big white blur to me. And I can't see the stars, they're too faint."
It was strange hearing that, because the stars, as she could see them, were some of the brightest she had ever seen before. And there were millions.
"That's too bad." She came closer and leaned on her arms on the railing, staring out over the field of sky and clouds and stars. "I've been with you so long I sometimes forget that you can't see very well, because you seem to see everything with your... your mind, I guess."
"Yes. I can see everything like that, but it's not how you see. I know it's there, and I can use it because I feel what kind of shape it has relative to everything else, like a chair, or a utensil. But I can't see them." He paused a moment. "You've never asked about my impairments before. Why now?"
"Seeing you staring into the sky reminded me, that's all." There was silence for a long while until she finally said, "Can you see me? Or do you have to feel around like you do with a utensil."
He sighed sadly and sunk his head.
"That's answer enough. How do you love me then? If you don't know what I look like."
"I trust you. I can't think of you being unattractive. Maybe I don't need sight to just know. Like instinct."
"But what if I'm not beautiful like you think? What if I don't look a thing like the picture of me in your head?"
He paused, "I can't answer that."
"I guess not."
"But I would still love you."
"You don't even know what that means," she said, looking away from him, down into the clouds below.
"Neither do you. But it doesn't make me any less wrong in saying it."
Caught there.
"You just know everything don't you? Everything right to say to get back at me. Everything about me, my thoughts, everyone else's... everything! Why can't you be... be..."
"Normal?" he said, his voice rose. "If I could trade these powers for my sight I would. I hate not seeing anything. I don't know what Miria's cooking tasted like. I don't like taking 10 minutes walking up a single flight of stairs. I wish I could look at you properly just once. I wish the moon wasn't just some blob in the sky." He turned to her, and had to lean on his cane with one arm locked to hold himself up. "I wish I could smell your hair. I wish the feeling in my arm and leg were here so that when I touch you, I'd know what your fur and skin feel like. I want to know things that my mind can't know. The only things I have to go are my mind and my heart. And I wish I could turn off that too, because no matter what it feels you don't like it, and when I think you don't want me in your head. I don't want to be like this. But this is what I am, and I can't help it. So whether you question it or not, I'll love you till the day I die, and I can't guarantee that I won't even after that." His eye shed a tear and he sniffled. The grip on his cane tightened and he was about to walk away when Sara grabbed his shirt in both hands, clenching tightly around the fabric and holding him in place.
She looked down. She wanted all at once to shake him hug him and keep him still. Finally she said meekly: "Don't leave yet... please."
He turned and laid his cane on the railing, leaning on that instead. "I'm not going anywhere."
There was a long silence on the deck. The only sound for a while was the wind in their ears as it whipped through their hair. Sara's had become quite long, since she hadn't cut it since she left her hometown, and Varian's hadn't grown at all. Ever since his repair in the hospital he had lost what hair he had left. Since he was a wolf now anyway he had the fur to replace it, so it didn't look so awkward, if baldness was awkward.
"I'm sorry," she aid finally, "No one has ever said they loved me. I've been taken, but never kept, I suppose."
"One way of saying it," he answered, in a calm tone, soothing for Sara right now.
"I didn't... couldn't believe you, when you said it. I thought it would be just like all those other times."
"You say that like you've been around."
"It was only one person. I've only been with one other person before. We started out like every girl's dream. For a year I was with him, and never once did he say that he loved me. I wasn't even sure he liked me sometimes. That's why... I... you're right, I don't know what love is. I just assumed it was sex. I've always thought of it as that."
"What changed your mind?" he asked.
"You did," she answered. Another pause ensued, where neither spoke, nor dared to move. "Thank you," she whispered, "For saying it like you did."
"There wasn't another way to say it."
She smiled and turned to him. He did the same to her, holding himself up with the cane again.
"Is it possible for people in love to love each other without having sex?" That was probably one of the harder things she had said in a long time. Not to mention one of the more awkward sounding.
"I don't see why not," he replied.
"Can we do that then?" she asked.
He made a heavy step forward and leaned forward, placing a kiss on her forehead.
"I think that would be good." He smiled.
She looked up at him, blushing from the kiss, which seemed more tender and understanding than anything she had ever received from anyone before. She felt herself gradually getting closer to him and her arms coming round his back and joining together, pulling him in a tight embrace. His arms went around her back as well, and they stood there, the light of the moon illuminating the deck around them, making its surface more and more ethereal. Sara liked this.